But It Will Make You Miserable First
See Chapter One for disclaimers, Warnings, etc.
Detailed warning at the end of Chapter One.
Chapter Fifteen
"I'm sure he'll come back," Lee offered, half-heartedly. "He just needs some time to think about things."
"Maybe we should start calling his friends. I'm sure they are home by now," Dotty offered.
"Good idea, Grandma. I'll get Phillip's phone book. I know where he hides it." Jamie smirked at having outsmarted his big brother, even if Phillip never knew about it. "You know, Mom, Phillip has been acting weird lately, I mean weirder than he usually is. I'm kinda worried about him." He gazed at Amanda, expecting her to reassure him that she'd make everything all right. She had always fixed everything that had gone wrong in the past; surely she could fix this as well.
Amanda crossed the room and took her youngest son in an embrace. She wanted to fix this for him; she wanted to turn back the clock and have their lives go on, unchanged by that awful night. But such magic was beyond her and, again, she felt like a failure for shattering Jamie and Phillip's trust in their perfect mother. These were her babies and Amanda wanted to protect them from any pain life threw at them. Oh, in her head, Amanda knew that this was unrealistic, but her heart disagreed and she mourned for the loss of their childhood innocence.
Jamie seemed to understand what she couldn't put into words. He gave her a big hug in return and a peck on the forehead. 'When did he get so tall,' Amanda wondered. Jamie turned and headed up the stairs, mumbling about getting the book, hiding his tears from the adults.
Lee and Dotty, witnessing the scene before them, were equally moved. Lee by the confusion on Amanda's face as she realized that Jamie knew she could no longer fix his world. Dotty by the remembrance of the first time she had seen that look on Amanda's face. That was the day Dotty had told her that her Father would never be coming home. Dotty's heart ached again at the pain being inflicted on her family and turned away from Amanda so she would not see the tears.
Lee saw the shudder that passed through Dotty's body and took her in his arms, silently offering comfort. They stood together, Dotty giving thanks once again that Lee had come into their lives.
"I'll call Joe and see if he's had any luck," Amanda said, breaking the silence. "Then we can start calling around."
"Good idea, Amanda. Maybe Lee and I should drive around the neighborhood and look for him, " Dotty said, looking at Lee, willing him to agree. She wanted to talk to him alone.
Lee felt Dotty's gaze, silently pleading with him. "Uh, sure, that's a good idea, too. Call me on the car phone in the Jeep if you hear anything, okay?" He crossed the room and took Amanda in his arms, giving her a reassuring caress. "We'll find him, never doubt that."
Chapter Sixteen
Lee led Dotty to the Jeep and helped her in. At her questioning glance, he explained. "We have a better line of sight, higher up. Plus there will be room to bring him home. The 'Vette would be too crowded. Don't worry, Dotty, we'll find him."
There was silence as they backed out and began crawling through the neighborhood, peering through the deepening gloom, searching for a glimpse of Phillip.
"So," Lee broke the silence, taking a right hand turn towards the ball field. "I get the feeling you wanted to talk to me. What is it?"
"Oh, Lee. I just don't know where to start. Amanda hurts so much and I can't help her. And then to see her suffering the same pain I feel when it comes to her boys.. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could make it all go away, for everyone. Oh, don't think I haven't seen your pain, too. You may fool that boss of yours and you may fool my daughter but I've seen a lot of suffering in my days. I know what it looks like. You've got to talk about it, Lee. Or it will eat you alive. " Dotty paused for breath, looking out her window. "Lee, is that..? No, that's a girl. Silly me. Anyway, what I mean is that you and Amanda have to work on not letting this tear you apart. You two are too good for each other. Why, I've never seen her this happy, not since her father died. And I want her to be happy again."
Lee shook his head, still bemused at how the West women could get so many words out of a single breath. He was going to have to find out how they did that, one day.
"Dotty, I am talking about it. To the same doctor Amanda is, at work. Don't worry," he added. "I plan to talk to Amanda as well, when things calm down. She, may I remind you, is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not about to lose her without a fight."
Dotty took Lee's hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "I'm here for you, too. Since your own mother can't be, Lee. I just want you to know that I'll help you anyway I can. And, if there's something that needs to stay between just us two," Dotty took a deep breath, feeling as if she might be going too far, "then, I promise you, that I will keep your confidences, even from Amanda, if you need me too."
Lee was touched by her words. He and Dotty has become friends over the years but the last weeks had drawn them in a tight bond of shared concern for the one they loved. Lee knew that her offer was from the heart and the love and trust it represented for him lightened his heart.
"Thank you," he said simply. "Dotty.." But whatever he was going to say was lost as the phone rang.
Chapter Seventeen
Amanda merely shook her head as Lee left, unwilling to set herself up for any more disappointment. She took the phone and dialed Joe's number as Lee and Dotty headed out the back door. Jamie came back down the stairs with Phillip's phone book in hand just in time to hear the end of the conversation between his mother and father.
"Well, Joe, we are looking for him. Why don't you come back and help us look? Oh, I see, your career is more important than your son. Well, so what else is new? You've never been here in the past, why should you care where he is now!!" Amanda slammed the handset onto the receiver, turning to see Jamie standing, stricken, behind her.
Amanda ran her hands through her hair, a habit she had picked up from Lee when he was frustrated. Forcing a calm smile on her face, she spoke "Did you find what we need, sweetheart?" At Jamie's nod Amanda went on. "Okay, who do you think we should start with? Who would he be most likely to go to when he's upset?"
Jamie still had not spoken to her; he merely opened the book and pointed to a name. Amanda felt terrible. There was enough hurt going around, Jamie didn't need to hear her berating his father. Besides, Joe had been there earlier for Phillip when she wasn't able to be.
"Jamie, I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to yell at your father. He looked for your brother before he went home and couldn't find him. I was unfair. I'm just so very.." Amanda's voice trailed off.
"Upset, yeah, I know Mom, I know. It'll be okay. We'll find weaselhead; he's just hiding out, feeling sorry for himself. He'll be home before you know it."
It was a measure of Amanda's pain that she didn't even reprimand Jamie for calling his brother names. Together, they called the guys in Phillip's book but no one had seen him. When the phone rang, Amanda jumped, her heart racing as she answered it.
"Is this Amanda Stetson?" a voice spoke in her ear. When she answered affirmatively, the voice went on. "I'm Dean Stout, Elayna's father. "
Amanda professed her ignorance of what he was talking about. He went on. "Your son, Phillip, has been calling my daughter quite a lot lately. He thinks he's her boyfriend."
Jamie nodded his head, whispering in Amanda's ear that the two hung out together at school.
"Yes, Mr. Stout, is there something I can do for you? I'm afraid you've caught me at a bad time."
"Yeah, you can come get your disgraceful son. He broke into my house this afternoon. Why wasn't he at school, anyway? He looks terrible, said he'd been in a fight. He's been hiding in the basement all afternoon. I want him gone. And I want him to leave my daughter alone. We don't want anything to do with a good-for-nothing like your boy, ya hear me?"
Amanda took down his address, assuring him the Lee would be there soon. She offered profound apologies for Phillip's behavior but Mr. Stout wasn't interested. After assuring him that they would take care of any damage, Amanda hung up, limply leaning against the counter. Jamie took the phone from her hand and called Lee, giving him the information. Then he called his dad to bring him up to date. To say that Joe was unhappy about Phillip's unlawful entry was an understatement. Jamie got an earful until, nerves stretched to the breaking point, he shouted back.
"Yeah, well, there are lots of things you don't know about us, Dad. I guess this is just another one." Jamie slammed the phone down and turned to Amanda, still leaning in the same place. He took her by the arm and led her to the den, devoutly praying that Lee and his grandmother would soon be home and he could go away from the rampant pain in this house.
Chapter Eighteen
Lee and Dotty returned with Phillip about twenty minutes later. Amanda had not moved or spoken since getting off the phone. Phillip wasn't talking either. He maintained a stubborn silence on the drive home. Not even his grandmother could get him to acknowledge their presence. When they enter the house, Phillip charged straight up to his room, slamming and locking the door.
Jamie whispered to Lee what was going on with his mother and then he went to his room as well, unable to bear the tension downstairs any longer.
Dotty shook her head and whispered to Lee. "Remember what I told you. I'll be home if you need me." She headed out the door in silence, leaving Lee and Amanda alone in the den.
"Amanda, are you alright?" Lee sat beside her and took her hand. "Amanda?"
Amanda turned to him, giving Lee a bright smile and his heart sank. 'Oh, no, not again.' He thought, remembering the days just after the attack when Amanda had blocked everything from her mind and insisted that she was fine. 'I cannot live through that again, please,' Lee prayed. 'Please don't let this happen again.'
Amanda could see the thoughts running across Lee's face. She knew he was trying so hard not to let his fear take over. Taking pity, she leaned into him and his arm automatically closed around her.
"It's okay, Lee. I'm still here." Amanda felt a sigh escape Lee at her response. "I just had to take a step back. It's been too much today. I know it's all still there but I can't think about it right now. I just can't. Is Phillip okay? Mr. Stout was so mad, you should have heard the things he said about my baby."
"I did hear them, he gave me quite an earful, too. I thought your mother was going to hit him she got so upset. But, he's going to take tonight to think about things before he takes any legal action. After all, Phillip didn't do any damage. He picked the lock, wonder who taught him that little skill?" Lee said ruefully, remembering how Phillip and Jamie had begged him to teach them some "Spy Stuff". He should have listened to Amanda and refused to demonstrate for them. It was apparent that they had inherited their mother's instincts.
"Are you hungry, sweetheart?" Amanda asked. "I'll fix us some dinner." She started to rise but Lee held her down.
"Oh, no. You are not going in the kitchen in this state, you might poison us." Lee teased her. "Let's call out for pizza."
"Pizza, is that your answer to everything?" Amanda laughed in reply.
"Well, not to everything," Lee began, nuzzling her neck. "But, since we need solid food, then, yeah, PIZZA! It's got all the major food groups."
"In one convenient package," they finished in unison, laughing.
After dinner was over, Lee drove Amanda to the Agency to pick up the Explorer. She would need it the next day to take the boys to school and meet with the administrator. Amanda had protested that she could drive the Jeep but Lee insisted. There was no way he was going to let her drive the Jeep with all the bad memories associated with it. Not when she had enough to deal with concerning Phillip.
Chapter Nineteen
Things were on a more even keel the next morning. Jamie had eaten pizza with Lee and Amanda the night before. They had both reassured him that they loved he and Phillip and each other, that Lee was not going away just because things were hard right now and that his mother didn't really hate his father.
Phillip, on the other hand, had refused to eat and had stayed locked in his room until morning. He came to breakfast with dark circles under his eyes and his clothes mussed and wrinkled, looking as if he had slept in them. Amanda and Lee could only look at him and each other. In unspoken agreement, neither commented on his appearance. Jamie, taking a clue from their reaction, wisely kept quiet as well.
Amanda took the morning off from the Agency. She drove Phillip and Jamie to school after seeing Lee out to his car. His last words to her were to call him and that he loved her. He gave her a gentle kiss on the nose as the boys exited the house. Phillip looked away from the scene but Jamie smiled. Things were looking up with his world.
Amanda parked the Explorer in the visitor lot. Jamie ran off to class while Phillip trailed along behind Amanda, dragging his feet like a two year old. Finally, Amanda had enough and walked back to him. Standing beside him she smiled sweetly.
"If you don't start acting your age, Phillip King, I WILL take you by the hand and escort you everywhere you go today," she hissed at him. "Now, it's your choice. What's it going to be?"
Phillip glared at her but began behaving at her threat. He walked just behind her as they entered the school office and took a seat. They sat waiting, until the morning rituals were concluded. The assistant ushered them into the administrator's office, offering Amanda coffee. Amanda declined. She and Phillip waited a while longer. Joe arrived for the meeting, late as usual when it came to meetings at school. Finally the door opened and Mr. Williams entered followed by Officer Parsons.
"Mrs. Stetson, how nice to see you again. Mr. King," he began, shaking first Amanda's hand, then Joe's. "I wish it were under better circumstances. Phillip, I never thought I'd see you in my office for misbehaving. Why don't you tell me about it?"
Phillip shook his head, unwilling to talk. Mr. Williams sighed and turned to Officer Parsons. "Well, then, let's start with you. What happened?"
Parsons delighted in giving his version of the events, slandering Phillip, Lee, Joe and Amanda in the process. He was positive that Phillip was a troublemaker and recommended he be remanded to Juvenile Court for charges of assault.
Mr. Williams dismissed him, much to Parson's discomfort. He wanted to stay and see Phillip being punished, maybe even be the one to administer a few licks. This administrator was one of the new breed that Parsons despised. All kindness and feel good. 'No wonder the schools are going to hell. No one to teach these little brats any discipline.' Parsons shook his head as he walked out, starting his patrol of the campus, looking to find more trouble.
"Mr. Williams, you know.." Amanda started to defend her son but was cut off by a raised hand.
"I know, Mrs. Stetson, I know. But what can I do? My hands are tied until next year or until he gives me a reason to fire him. Being a pompous pig isn't enough of a reason to let the man go. I only wish it was." Williams sighed. "Now, Phillip, why don't you tell me your side of the story?"
Phillip told the bare bones. He admitted cutting class because he wanted time alone to think, that he was upset about his mother and stepfather's relationship, and that his girlfriend seemed to be losing interest in him. Phillip denied being in tears when the other boys had come along but admitted taking his anger out on the ringleader. "But he started it," Phillip insisted. "He hit me in the head, mocking me. I just stood up for myself."
"Phillip, I know things have been tough for you this year. But you know the rules. An automatic five-day suspension with administrative review before you can return. I wish I could help you out here, but, again, my hands are tied. Mrs. Stetson, I'm sorry to have to do this. Phillip, you need to resolve things in your head before you come back. You're a bright young man but your grades are slipping and I don't want to see you wasting your life by getting into trouble. I had a call from Dean Stout this morning as well. I assume you know what that's about?"
Amanda and Phillip nodded and Williams went on. "He's not going to press charges but he wants you to stay away from his daughter at home and at school. Do you understand what I am saying to you? "
Phillip nodded, hanging his head.
"Okay, I'll get your teachers to gather your assignments and then you can leave. I expect that next week you'll be back with a new attitude and all that work done, correctly, mind you."
Mr. Williams left the room to check on getting the assignments together. Amanda sat in silence. Phillip looked up at her out of the corner of his eye. Joe stood in the corner of the room, gazing out of the window.
"Mom?" he said softly. "I really am sorry. I never meant to cause a problem. I just lost control. I love you, Mom."
Amanda's heart melted at his words. She opened her arms and Phillip crossed the short space between them. He was on his knees, wrapped in her embrace when the door opened and Williams re-entered.
He cleared his throat, catching their attention. Holding out the folder of work, he wished them both luck and admonished Phillip to get his act together before it was too late.
Joe followed Amanda and Phillip out. He was clearly unhappy about being there as he kept looking at his watch.
"Amanda, I've got to go. I have a case to prepare. Shall I come by the house tonight and we can talk about his punishment?" Without waiting for an answer, he rushed on. "Look, I've got to go. Phillip, we will talk about this later. I really don't know what's gotten into you but I am very unhappy with you, is that clear?" Joe glared at his son in anger.
Phillip refused to look up and meet his eyes.
"Phillip, are you listening to me?" At Phillip's nod, Joe went on. "Then look at me when I talk to you. I just don't know what's wrong with you. Amanda, you need to make him take more responsibility. You're too soft on him that's the problem. You let him get away with anything. And Lee is no better, too busy being a friend to be a father, I guess."
Amanda knew that Joe was upset about Phillip's actions but there was no need for this kind of criticism. Before she could say anything, however, Joe strode off to his car.
"I'll see you all tonight and we'll talk about it then," he flung over his shoulder as he got in the car and roared off.
Chapter 20
Amanda took Phillip home. They were silent on the trip and Phillip headed straight up the stairs to his room as soon as he could open the door. Amanda followed him slowly.
"Phillip, what your father said," she started to speak but Phillip closed the door in her face. "Phillip, he was wrong, you do know that?" There was no answer.
"Phillip, this isn't over. You and I are going to have a serious talk about this. You are going to have the face the consequences here at home as well as at school." Amanda spoke loudly making her voice carry through the closed door.
"I know, Mom, I know." Phillip's voice came faintly back to her. "But can we do it later? I'd better start work on this stuff or I'll be so behind when I get back I'll never catch up."
Satisfied that he was aware of her feelings, Amanda went down to call Lee and catch him up on the events of the morning. Feeling the stress of the last days taking its toll on her, Amanda laid down on the couch intending to close her eyes only for a moment.
When she woke over three hours had passed. The house was silent. Creeping up the stairs, Amanda put her ear on the door to Phillip's room. She heard him singing along with the stereo, although she couldn't make out the words. Returning to the kitchen, Amanda made them some lunch and called Phillip down.
He had returned to his normal self, at least something approaching what he had been before the attack. He didn't eat much. And really, he didn't talk much. It was more a feeling of peace that had descended on him that made the difference.
Amanda called Dr. Phaff and canceled her appointment, explaining the circumstances. He still wanted to see her and Lee as soon as possible but agreed to wait until things were settled down on the home front.
Chapter Twenty-One
When Lee got home, the three of them sat in the living room. Together they determined the consequences of Phillip's actions. Phillip was very agreeable, insisting that he was totally to blame and understood how he'd done wrong. He took total responsibility and even produced a written apology to the Stout family for his actions the previous day.
When Joe arrived, things changed. Joe was full of anger and he directed it at everyone in reach. At Amanda for not being there for the boys 24 hours a day. Lee for teaching him how to pick locks and for making violence appear glamorous. At Phillip for being stupid, for not just walking away from the fight in the first place. Then he started on the business about school.
"Grades, son, good grades. Your job is school and you are falling down on it. I want to see you pick it up, young man. No other activities until you get those grades up, do you hear me?" His voice rose with every word.
Joe turned to Amanda, starting again. "You are way too easy on him, Amanda, you let him get away with anything. You make him get better grades or.."
Lee had enough of Joe's tirade. "Or you'll what, Joe? Leave again? Run off and desert your family like you did last time? Well, I've got news for you. Amanda has raised these boys singlehandly and she's done a fine job. There's never been any trouble until recently." Lee's voice rose with every word as well until he was shouting at Joe.. "I think your attitude has a lot to do with the problems, you know that, Joe? And I think that we need solutions, not more problems here. So if all you can do is criticize, rant and rave, then take a hike. We don't need that kind of input."
Both men were on their feet by this time, voices full of the anger each tried to hide on a daily basis. They were like two dogs fighting over a bone but that bone was named Amanda.
Hearing the anger in their voices, Amanda began to hunch over. She was cowering in the corner of the couch, trying to disappear so the anger couldn't find her. Phillip was watching her carefully. He could see she was getting that glazed look in her eyes, again.
"You can't tell me what to do, Stetson, he's MY son." Joe spat at Lee, fists clenched.
Lee felt his body tensing; he struggled not to lash out at Joe and took a deep breath, moderating his voice as well. "This is my house. Amanda's and mine. I can and will tell you what to do when you are being an ass. Now, decide what you want because, I swear to you, either you back off or I'll teach you some respect." Lee's hands clenched into fist and he stood, loosely watching Joe, ready to take action if needed.
"Stop it, just stop it!" Phillip shouted into the silence. "Look what you're doing to Mom. "
Joe and Lee both looked at Amanda. Her face was pale and she was trembling, gasping for breath. Shuddering at the tone of their words, Amanda had flashed back to the attack. He had been angry with her, he had hit her. 'Anger is dangerous' she thought dimly. 'He shouldn't be angry. He's going to hurt me'
At once, Lee crossed to her side, taking her shoulders in his hands and rubbing them. "Amanda, Amanda, it's okay. Honey, are you alright?" He gave her a small shake and she stopped gasping, her glazed eyes focusing on him. "Amanda?"
"I'm okay, just a flashback. I'm okay, really." She gave him a weak smile. "It was just the yelling, you know, the angry tones? It took me back. I'm okay now." The tone of their words more than the words themselves had scared her. Amanda struggled to remember that she was safe, that these angry words weren't directed at her. No one was going to hurt her. 'That's interesting,' she thought numbly. 'I wonder if that's why Jamie reacts the way he does when someone yells? I'll have to ask him about that.' She smiled vaguely at Lee, still lost in her own thoughts, as well as tuning out the discussion.
Lee shook his head at her, clearly unconvinced. He rose and walked swiftly over to Joe. "Do you see what you've done?" Lee hissed quietly. "Now get out before I throw you out. And don't come back or call until you are able to see reason."
Joe turned on his heel and started for the front door, only to pause as Lee's voice followed him. Amanda returned to the present with a snap, hearing Lee's voice directed to Joe's retreating back.
"And I expect a sincere apology to the mother of your children. She is the one who raised them while you were off in Africa. A damn fine job she's done, too."
Joe slowed but did not stop as those words came to his ears. In his heart, Joe knew that Lee was right. Still, Joe couldn't help but believe that if Amanda had stayed home with her children, like a good mother was supposed to, then Phillip wouldn't be having any problems. Hell, if she hadn't been so stubborn and refused to move with him all those years ago, this would never be happening. Joe slammed the front door on the way out, venting his anger in the only safe way left to him.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Phillip went and knelt by his mother. "It's not true, Mom. What he said. You are a great mother, the best. You've always been there for us when we need you. You deserve a better son than me." He laid his head on her knee, tears seeping past his tightly closed eyes.
"Oh, Phillip," Amanda stroked his hair softly. "I think you are just the best son a mother could wish for. You are kind and caring. Talented and brave. You're a great son. Any mother would be proud to call you her own. I sure am."
"Me, too," Lee added, coming up to Phillip's side and patting him on the shoulder, feeling a bit awkward. "I'm proud to call you son."
"Thanks, Lee, Mom. I wish I could be better for you. I..I.. " Phillip choked and then went on in a rush of words. "I love you both so much. Please don't ever forget that." He jumped to his feet and raced upstairs, slamming the door behind him.
Amanda was touched by his words. She wanted so much to be reassured by his attitude. She and Lee moved to the den to talk over the night 's events.
"Amanda, are you sure you are all right? You seemed pretty far away there for a while." Lee was still worried about her reaction to the argument.
"Lee, I'll have those moments for a while, you remember Dr. Phaff discussed that with us. It's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It will pass, with time. I just have to focus on the present."
"I can't believe the gall of Joe, attacking you like that. Making out that this is your fault." Lee groused as he sat beside her on the couch.
"Joe is hurting, too, Lee. He has such high hopes for his sons."
"Well, he should have been here for them if he expected them to live up to his dreams." Lee paused, thinking of what he'd just said. "On the other hand, if he'd still been here, I'd have never met you. What a waste of a life that would have been. I'm glad he was out of your life so I could come into it."
"You're an old softie, you know that?" Amanda said, playfully, as she smiled at him. "Oh, Lee, I'm so glad that Phillip has woke up. I've been so worried about him."
"I don't know, Amanda. This seems awful quick to me. I mean, come on. Yesterday he beat the cr.." Lee caught the stern look on his wife's face and backstepped. "He beat the stuffing out of another kid and today? All of the sudden he understands and is sorry and 'oh, gosh, Mom, Lee, please forgive me for I have sinned?' I don't like it, Amanda. I think he's hiding something."
"Oh, Lee. Of course he's hiding something. He's a teenage boy. Didn't you hide things at his age?" Amanda chided him for his suspicious mind. "You've been in the spy business too long, fella. You think everyone's secrets are deep and dark."
"Amanda, I'm telling you.." Lee tried to put his finger on what was bothering him but it kept slipping away.
Amanda put her finger to his lips and shushed him. Rising to her feet, she led him up the stairs and to their room. Closing and locking the door, Amanda crossed to Lee, still standing where she had deposited him near the window. Crossing in front of him, Amanda snuggled into his arms, her back cozied up to his front. They stood looking at the full moon shining down through the window.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lee was torn. On one hand, he knew that something was still amiss with Phillip. But on the other, this was the first time since the attack that Amanda had gotten this close to him without being racked with emotional torment first. He stood quietly, his strong arms encircling her in the haven of protection he wanted to provide her for the rest of her life.
"Lee," Amanda said softly, turning in his arms. She looked up at him with love and desire in her eyes. Lee felt himself begin to melt. It had been so long since he had taken comfort with his wife, as a husband. He desperately wanted to be with her. She reached up and kissed him. Nibbling his lower lip at first, then when he didn't respond, standing on tiptoe and covering his mouth firmly with hers. Her tongue demanded entry, teasing and nipping at his lips. Her hands began roaming his body, caressing him in all the places she knew drove him to distraction.
With a great effort, Lee captured her hands in his and pushed her away from him. Breathing fast, Lee struggled to speak. "Amanda, what are you doing?" was all he could gasp out as her hands escaped his and began touching him once more.
"Well, maybe you need to hone up on those surveillance skills, Scarecrow. I thought you could figure out what I am doing," she purred at him.
"Amanda, uh, this isn't a good idea, you know?" he gulped as her hand squeezed his backside. "We still don't know…well, I mean.. I wouldn't want to take a chance…Amanda, stop that!" he wheezed as her hand began a journey to the front. Firmly, Lee took her by the shoulders and sat her on the bed, crossing the room to put some distance between them. When she started to rise, Lee fixed her with a stern gaze and spoke. "Amanda, stay put. I can't think when you do that to me."
"It isn't your brain I'm interested in at the moment, my husband. It's other parts of your anatomy." Amanda was sending him looks that could melt an iceberg.
"But what about..you know." Lee searched for the words to convey his concerns.
"Lee, making love doesn't have to involve taking that particular risk. We can find enjoyment in other ways, surely?" It was Amanda's turn to look down. Taking a deep breath, she went on. "Lee, I've been so lonely, so afraid. I need to be close to you. I know," she held up her hand as he started to break in. "I know, I've been touchy lately. But I want to make love to you. I want, I need you to help me feel safe again. Please," her voice broke as she looked up at him. "I need to know that you still want me."
Lee's heart broke at her anguished words. He crossed the room in two strides and took her in his arms, fighting the urge to press her into the bed and show her how much he wanted and needed her.
He kissed her deeply, trying to convey his feelings without words. Amanda melted into him. Lee tried to set aside his raging hormones. He needed to let Amanda take the lead in this.
In fact, he and Phaff had discussed this issue in one of their early sessions.
Chapter Twenty-Four
"What am I going to do? How can I make love to Amanda without her remembering that creep? " He had asked, despair evident in his voice as his hands ran nervously through his hair.
"Lee, do you love Amanda?"
"What kind of stupid question is that? Yes, I love her. She is my life. She brought me to life."
"Then, when the time is right.." Phaff raised his hand to stop the question forming on Lee's lips. "You will know when the time comes, believe me. Let Amanda take the lead. She needs to make sure you still want her. That you don't see her as 'damaged goods'."
"I'd never.." Lee started to say but Phaff stopped him again.
"Lee, you'd be surprised at how some people react in this situation. Many blame their partner for the attack, as if they asked for it, or gave in to easily." Phaff saw the murderous look in Lee's eyes. "Not that I'm saying you would ever think such a thing but some people do so. Others think that the victim is disgusting, revolting after having been through such an experience. Every time they try to get close, all they can think of is ..Well, you know."
"I know," Lee muttered. He looked up at the doctor. "But I don't feel like that. She is still the same person I fell in love with over the years. And I'll only grow to love her more each day that passes."
"But, Lee, you are a rare man. I've heard stories of victims who, having been afraid to tell their partner, finally come clean, expecting love and support. Hoping for that knight in shining armor who will right the wrong done to them, or at least get angry on their behalf, only to find that their fear, their pain and agony is dismissed as in the past, unimportant to the present." Phaff shook his head sadly.
"The victim gains the courage to relate her pain and shame and the person she most depends on for support, tells her that it is unimportant. To just get over it. And then," his voice rose as he warmed to the topic, "then he blames her for not feeling close to him any longer. He has just betrayed all the trust invested in the relationship. And he has the gall to tell her it is her fault."
Phaff shook his head at the stupidity of the human race, in particular the breed called 'man'.
Lee was silent considering Phaff's words. He could see where the woman would feel as if she had just been attacked again when met with that kind of reaction. Indeed, it was rape again, this time of the soul. Lee didn't know how any relationship could ever recover from that kind of betrayal.
"But, doc, back to my question, how will I know and what should I do?"
Phaff smiled at the 'Scarecrow', famed ladies' man. He really had a heart inside him and it beat in tune with Amanda King Stetson.
"You let her be your guide, Lee, and trust in your love," was all he would say.
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To Be Continued