Miserable

But It Will Make You Miserable First

See Chapter One for Disclaimers, Warnings, Summary, ETC.

Chapter Forty

Dr. Crouse and Phillip had met with the social worker and had begun talking before Lee and Amanda arrived the next day. The aide showed them in.

"Mrs. Stetson, Mr. Stetson, come in. I'm Dr. Crouse. I've been working with your son since he's been with us here." She shook their hands in turn and motioned for them to sit down. Dr. Crouse was a woman near Dotty's age. She was rather on the plump side, her face full of laugh lines, especially around the eyes. Amanda immediately felt at easy with her. She felt the slight tension leave Lee's body after they shook hands and knew he like her as well.

"Doctor, Phillip seemed awful jumpy last night," Amanda went straight to the point. "Is that a side effect of the medication?"

"Yes, it is. There are several meds we can try Phillip on and see which works best for him. I've already changed his so you should see an improvement today."

Turning to Phillip, she went on. "Phillip, would you like to fill your folks in on what's going on with you?" she asked.

Phillip spoke in a low voice, trying to stay unemotional, as he explained his feelings over the last weeks. Lee covered Amanda's hand with his, lending her the support she needed to get through yet another stressful session.

"So, after being so happy with the concert, I guess my life just seemed to fall apart. Mom got attacked and I felt guilty." Amanda started to interrupt but stopped at Phillip's raised hand. "I know, that wasn't my fault but I still felt guilty. And then, when I got in the fight and Elayna dumped me," he took a deep breath and went on. "Then Dad went off the deep end at me and I just couldn't take it anymore. Nothing seemed to be making me feel better. I even thought about getting into the wine cellar and drinking but I didn't even think that would help. So, I just wanted to get away. It was all I could think of to do."

There was silence in the room after he finished. More than one person had tears in their eyes. Phillip looked up at Lee and his mother, the tears overflowing. "I'm so sorry I scared you. I scared me, too. Thank you for helping me, for getting me help."

Almost as one, Lee and Amanda moved forward to embrace him. There was a moment of confusion as the arms got sorted out. Amanda held Phillip, Phillip had one arm around his mother and the other around Lee. Lee stood over them both, enfolding them in his protective embrace. Several minutes later, the group broke apart as Phillip exclaimed, "Ew, Mom, you're crying all over my shirt."

With a laugh, Amanda took the tissues Dr. Crouse offered and cleaned up her face. They settled back in their chairs and looked at the doctor.

"So," Lee started the conversation. "Where do we go from here, Dr. Crouse?" he asked flashing his famous grin. Amanda nudged him with her elbow as Phillip stifled a chuckle. Lee became more serious and went on. "Have you talked to Dr. Phaff?"

Dr. Crouse assured them that she had consulted with Phaff and they planned to discharge Phillip in a few days, assuming he continued his present progress. It was time for Phillip to go to lunch and the aide escorted him out of the office to rejoin the rest of the patients.

Chapter Forty-One

Dr. Crouse stayed to speak privately with Lee and Amanda. Lee took Amanda's hand, it amazed him that she could cope. With everything that had happened to her in the past few weeks she still had the strength to help Phillip deal with his problems. Jamie and Dotty were trying to help as much as they could, as was he, but when you get right down to it no one suffers as much as a mother when her child is hurting. Lee knew she was a strong woman but this had to be incredibly painful for her.

"Mrs. Stetson, Phillip has spoken of your attack and the effect it had on him. I really have to know from you and you as well, Mr. Stetson," she said turning to face Lee and then back to Amanda. "Do either of you hold him in any way responsible? Maybe without putting it in words, could you be conveying to him that you blame him in any way?"

Lee and Amanda were shocked by the question. They looked at each other, communicating without words as they so often did. Lee shook his head slightly at his wife and turned to answer the doctor.

"No, neither of us blames Phillip. He's no more to blame than Amanda is or that desk or the tree. The only person that bears any blame for that is the creep that thought he could hurt my wife. And he paid the price." Lee faltered for a moment and Amanda reached out to touch his arm. He went on, his voice low and unsteady. "Did Phillip tell you what I did..that I…"

Dr. Crouse taking pity on the man in front of her held out her hand. "Yes, he told me. That must be very hard for you to have to deal with, Mr. Stetson. Dr. Phaff told me that he has spent considerable time with you, alone and with your wife, trying to help you cope. He said you are doing well, under the circumstances. But I really need you to be sure on this. Do you blame Phillip for not being there?"

Lee ran his hand through his hair. "For the last time, NO. I do not blame Phillip. No one does."

"Mr. Stetson, someone does. Phillip could let go of this if he didn't believe that person when they said it's his fault. He's gotten the message from somewhere and you are the most logical person," countered the doctor. "In our conversations, Phillip kept saying 'he' blames me. Is there any other 'he' it could be?"

Amanda's hand flew to her mouth as she gasped. Her eyes shot to Lee, seeing recognition dawning on his face. Lee's hands became fists and he rocked in his seat. Lee was torn between jumping up now or setting the doctor straight. Seeing the look on Amanda's face, he struggled to control himself. He settled back in the chair and his fists unclenched.

Dr. Crouse had watched the exchange in silence. It was obvious to her that Lee and Amanda had an idea who the mysterious 'he' was. It was equally obvious that Lee wanted to hurt him. She remained silent, waiting for an answer.

Chapter Forty-Two

"Joe," Lee finally choked out. "His father, Joe. That has to be it. What nonsense has he been filling Phillip's head with?" His voice rose with each word. "How could he? How could he blame Phillip? If he had to blame anyone, it should be me, it should be me." Lee's voice dropped off as he muttered these words. "God knows, I tried to blame myself." Tears formed in his eyes as he struggled for control. "It's so hard for me to accept… I wasn't there for her…when she needed me the most, I let her down. But, doc," Lee looked up his face clearing. "I have fought those demons and I know that there is no fault to be laid here. I still have to fight them, sometimes, but my head knows. Maybe one day my heart will believe as well."

Amanda had been silent while he spoke. Now as he fell silent, she spoke up. "Dr. Crouse, did the social worker tell you about Joe's reaction when we met together?" At her nod, Amanda went on. "That has to be where Phillip is getting this. Joe was totally unreasonable. I've never seen him like that before. Could he be using that anger to hide his own fear that somehow it was his fault? Could he be transferring that to Phillip?"

"Very good, Mrs. Stetson. Yes, it is likely that he is using his own anger to cover his own feelings of guilt. And that he is spreading it around to everyone involved in an attempt to ease his own pain. I want to talk to him about it but he hasn't returned my call. You can see why I had to be clear however. I need to know where to go with Phillip. He still has some anger directed at his father for abandoning the family in the first place. Now, his father is playing on that, trying to shift the blame. Phillip is afraid to acknowledge his anger at Joe, afraid that he will be abandoned again."

Turning to Lee, she went on. "And he is afraid to express any of that anger Joe is feeding him to you, Mr. Stetson. He thinks that if he does, you will abandon him as well. So he had nowhere to turn." She fell silent and shook her head.

"But, you can help him, can't you?" Amanda asked in a small voice. "Can you bring my son back to me?"

"Oh, yes, we can and will help him. But I'm afraid that he'll never again be the person he was. He'll be stronger but he won't be the same. I'm sorry."

Lee and Amanda departed, promising to stay in touch. Dr. Crouse would look with Dr. Phaff into getting Phillip a counselor that could really relate to him. It was apparent to all that Dr. Phaff was not connecting with Phillip enough to help.

Chapter Forty-Three

Lee was fuming as they drove back towards Arlington. He was ready to drive straight to Joe and Carrie's and have it out with Joe right now. Amanda prevailed on him to wait until they had time to work out a plan..

Arriving home, Amanda found a note from Dotty. She had taken Jamie to the Hischhorn Museum for the day. He loved the Modern Photography exhibit that was on display until December.

Lee pulled Amanda into his arms. He held her close for a moment, savoring the feel of her. Amanda rested her head against his shoulder, taking the comfort that Lee provided simply by his existence. They stood in silence, lost in their own thoughts.

Lee couldn't help himself. He meant to offer Amanda comfort and support. He couldn't help it if his body had ideas of its own. He shifted, trying to find a position where his growing interest wasn't so obvious. He tried to think of other things, like complex obscure Russia codewords. But that reminded him of Amanda, studying the Russia tapes early in their relationship. He had been falling for her even then. She was so cute when she threw herself into a project.

Amanda felt Lee wiggling around. She had a good idea what his problem was right now. Surprisingly, she could feel herself responding to his interest. She began to rub her hands along his back and sides, pressing closer to him.

Lee felt Amanda stroking his back. He thought she was trying to comfort him. Comfort was not the message he was getting from her. He shifted, catching her hands in his and looking down at her as she leaned back in surprise. One look in her eyes told him he was confused about the comfort part. She had that special twinkle that preceded a wonderful evening together. Lee swallowed hard.

Amanda smiled to see the effect she still had on her husband. The smile grew broader as he swallowed, having trouble catching his breath.

"Something wrong, love?" She asked sweetly, trying to look innocent. It was a look Lee could see through in a heartbeat. He growled at her.

"Amanda, if you don't stop right this instant…" he started to say but Amanda put her finger on his lips.

"If I don't stop, what will you do? Lee, what will you do?" she demanded, pressing herself against him. He growled again, deep in his throat.

"This," he said as his head descended and his lips captured hers. "And this," as the lips moved down her neck, caressing the junction of her shoulder and neck.

"And this." His hands reached out to cup her against him, feeling their bodies touching so closely that nothing could come between them. Reaching around, Lee swept her into his arms, his mouth coming back up to claim hers.

Amanda gave in to the sensations Lee was creating in her. When he picked her up, she wrapped her arms around his neck and opened to his demanding kiss. He carried her upstairs to their room, never taking his lips from hers. He knew exactly how many steps it took to reach his destination and never faltered in his course while keeping his focus on Amanda the entire journey. He laid her on the bed, looking down at her tenderly.

'She is so trusting, how did I ever deserve her?' he thought to himself.

Amanda reached up, pulling Lee down beside her. "Hold me," she whispered.

Lee wrapped himself around her, her head once again buried in his shoulder as he struggled to control himself. He would do whatever she needed him to do. Lee concentrated on thoughts of a cold shower, a cold waterfall that he was standing under with Amanda. Amanda wearing a tiny bikini, the warm water running over her shoulders, pasting her miniscule top to her … Lee stopped that train of thought abruptly. It was not helping calm him down.

"Lee," Amanda spoke softly. "It's all right. I'm not going to break."

He swung himself away from her and stood, looking down at her lying on the bed.

"Amanda, I don't want to put any more pressure on you. God knows you've been through enough. I know how worried you are about.." His voice faltered for a moment but he went on. "About everything. I just want to help you. Whatever it takes. Let me help you."

Amanda smiled at her husband. He was so cute when he was being noble and serious.

"Lee, you are helping me. Help me by getting things back to normal between us. I love you, I want to make love to you. Now get over here and help me out. I can't do this alone, you know!"

Lee was quick to comply with his wife's order. He took his time, making sure that she knew he was utterly enthralled with every part of her. When he got to the scar just below her heart, he hesitated. Gently he caressed it, tracing the outline with his fingertips. It had faded to a soft pink over the years. Amanda said it was no longer tender to the touch. It was a grim reminder of how dangerous life could be.

"Lee, are you okay?" Amanda closed her hand over his, covering the scar. "You know it doesn't hurt anymore."

Lee choked back the wave of emotion that swelled up in him. He couldn't quite contain the tears and they slowly trailed down his face as he shifted his gaze to Amanda.

"Oh, Lee, don't, sweetheart, don't. It's all right." She muttered soothing words to him.

"Amanda, it's not that. Well, it is, but it's not, does that make any sense? It's this," he caressed the scar again. "I almost lost you before our life began because of this random act of violence but you survived. And now," his voice broke completely but he forced the next words out, needing to get this said. "This other act of violence, it doesn't leave a big physical scar, it didn't keep you in the hospital, fighting for your life but it's worse, so much worse. There is no outside scar to see fade over time. All the scars are inside, where I can't heal them for you. Where no one else can really see how you've suffered and how you're healing. It breaks my heart to know that."

"It scares me to know how quickly a life can be changed forever. I take danger for granted in our line of work. It's part of the job. But to lose someone, no, to lose YOU by such a senseless act…it's more than I can take."

It was Amanda's turn to fold Lee in her embrace as he struggled to come to terms with the pain. It wasn't often that her strong husband needed to lose himself in her comforting arms. She treasured being able to help him like he had helped her so many times in the last years.

"Lee, oh, Lee, it will be okay. You know the scar is there but every time we acknowledge it, it gets smaller. It heals bit by bit. It will never be gone, just as this," Amanda traced the outline of her scar. "This will never go away, but it will fade. We will get through this, together. We can face anything as long as we are together."

Held in each other's arms, Lee and Amanda drifted off to sleep, worn out by the emotional storms of the past days.

TBC