But It Will Make You Miserable First
See Chapter One for WARNING, disclaimers, ratings, ETC.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Lee held Dotty until she had regained control of herself. He offered her the handkerchief that the Colonel had always insisted he carried. It seemed to be getting quite a workout lately.
"I'm sorry, Lee. It just got to me for a moment. I'll be fine. I just needed ..Well, that is…I never imagined this place would be so …so bleak. I mean, I guess I should have known. But to see the reality. And to know that my grandson, Amanda's baby," Dotty shook her head, for once unable to express her thoughts.
Lee took her hands in his. Dotty's hands were small, just like Amanda's were. He always felt so powerful when he held Amanda's hands. With Dotty, however, he merely felt helpless.
"Dotty, I don't think I've ever told you," Lee began. "How much I admire your strength. It's easy to see where Amanda gets it from. And I know that Phillip and Jamie share that trait. He will be okay. And we will all get through this together."
Lee squeezed her hands gently, raising them to his lips and bestowing a kiss on her knuckles. Incredibly, Dotty blushed at his actions and began to stammer.
"You are a dangerous man, Lee Stetson," she said with a twinkle in her eye. "No wonder my daughter is mad about you. Are you sure you don't have an older brother?" she asked hopefully.
Lee chuckled at her words and released her hands. "No, but I'll be glad to introduce you to the colonel next time he's in town. He taught me everything I know," Lee added with a wink. He had become much more at ease with the Colonel under Amanda's influence. Even if the man wanted to know when they were going to start a family. He was crazy about the boy's but Dotty had always managed to miss meeting him.
Dotty blushed even more as she swatted him on the arm. "Oh, you. We'd better get back. Amanda will be wondering where we've run off to."
They rejoined the family in the visiting room with the clean dishes. The remaining few minutes were devoted to motherly concern and grandmotherly admonition on how to behave interspersed with hugs and kisses. Phillip endured this stoically while Jamie and Lee struggled to stifle their chuckles at all the advice. Lee finally took pity on Phillip and ended the conversation by taking Amanda firmly by the arm and heading to the door.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Saturday passed much the same. Amanda visited Phillip alone in the morning and with the family in the evening. Sunday morning as she was arriving, Joe and Carrie were leaving. Amanda glared at him as he stalked by her, anger still radiating like a living thing from him. Carrie gave Amanda a sheepish smile as she hurried after Joe. Amanda submitted to the usual search of her belongings before entering the common room, searching for Phillip.
She found him off in a corner, huddled inside himself. Amanda seethed with indignation for him. She just knew that Joe had set back his recovery with his visit. Approaching him, Amanda noted the trace of tears still on his cheeks. Inside she burned, outwardly, she appeared calm.
"Hi, sweetheart. How are you this morning?" she asked in a low tone, reaching out to embrace him as she always did. Phillip pushed her away and muttered to himself. He turned his face away and wiped away the tears before turning back to his mother, pasting a smile on his face. He didn't fool Amanda for a second but she let him have his little illusion.
"I'm okay," he said in a morose tone. "Dr. Crouse said I'm doing great. Maybe I can come home in a day or two."
"That's great, sweetheart, just great." Amanda felt awkward. She knew that something had happened before she arrived that caused Phillip to be upset. Likely Joe had been on Phillip about something. Amanda knew that she needed to confront Joe about his attitude and keep him away from the boys until Joe could work out his own problems.
"Phillip, what did your dad have to say?" The wince Phillip gave at her words confirmed Amanda's fears. Joe HAD been badgering him again. "Phillip?"
"Let's go to my room, okay, Mom?" Phillip rose and reached out his hand to Amanda in a gesture he had seen Lee use a thousand times.
Amanda smiled to herself as she took the proffered hand and rose. Together they entered the sparse room that Phillip had been calling home for the last few days. Amanda took the chair by the desk while Phillip paced the room.
"Mom," he began uncertainly. Amanda stayed silent, sensing how hard this was for him to reach out to her. "Mom, Dad says that everything is your fault, that I shouldn't blame myself. Do you think that's true?" He looked at her with pleading eyes, begging her to help him make sense of things.
Amanda took a deep breath and considered her reply. On one hand, Joe's blaming her was nonsense. On the other hand, at least he wasn't blaming Phillip anymore. But on the third hand, Phillip deserved to know that there was no blame or shame to be attached to any of the events in the past month. Sometimes, things just happened, there didn't have to be a reason. Amanda shook her head at the image. She had too many hands running around.
"Phillip," she said carefully considering her words. "What happened to me was one of those random things that no one like to talk about. It just happened. I know that you are a little young to understand. Actually, I don't understand too well myself." Tears threatened to rise in her eyes, but she willed them down. "There is no fault to be attached. There is no blame to be placed. It..Just..Is. And that can be very hard to understand. It's been hard for me to come to terms with, sweetie, I can only imagine how much harder it is for you."
Phillip made no reply and Amanda went on. "Phillip, I know that your dad was blaming you for what happened." At his startled look, she smiled, slightly. "Hey, haven't I always told you that mothers know all things? Anyway, about your dad, I feel that he's unable to deal with the idea of what happened. He just cannot process it and so he's looking for ways to not have to accept that random acts happen. He's in denial, he's scared and he's lashing out and hurting the very ones he loves the most."
Phillip stopped his pacing and crossed the room to be closer to Amanda. He sat down on the bed.
"I know that the things he says to you are scary and that they make you angry because you know it isn't true. But it really feels scary to be so mad at Dad, huh? And so you hate yourself, because if he's right, then you are an awful person. And if he's wrong, then he is the awful person and you cannot accept that. So you're confused, baby. It's a very grown up thing to have to deal with and," she leaned closer to him as he moved to sit at her feet and whispered. "I'll tell you a secret, grown ups lots of times feel like little kids who want to run and hide from the truth about stuff like this."
Phillip looked up at her, amazed as always that his Mom would tell him such 'grown-up' things. He tried to bluster, wanting her to think that this time she was wrong.
"It's not that, Mom. Dad's got a right to be mad at me. He's right, I am screwing up my life. But, Mom, it's MY life! Why can't he just leave me alone?" Phillip's tone was belligerent and didn't fool Amanda.
"Phillip, what's so bad that you think you are screwing up? Please, baby," she choked on the endearment. "What can be this bad?" she asked, knowing that she shouldn't but unable to keep from trying to fix things.
"We'll talk about in the session tomorrow, okay? Did I tell you Dr. Crouse found a guy for me to see when I get out of here? His name is John Blevins and he sounds really cool. He's in his late twenties and can remember what it's like to be a kid."
"That's nice, sweetheart. I look forward to meeting him. I hope he's able to help you sort things through."
Phillip's emotions swung again, this time to tearful remorse. "I hope so too, Mom, I really do. Just..just let me be for now, okay, Mom? Leave me alone. I just want to be alone to think about everything." Phillip crossed to the bed and laid down, shutting her out.
Amanda rose to leave and kissed him gently on the top of his head. Fighting back the tears, she spoke. "All right, Phillip, all right. What do you want for dinner tonight?"
Phillip merely shook his head and muttered. "Nothing, Mom. In fact, I really just want to be left alone. Could you not come visit tonight? I need time to think. "
Amanda turned her back to gather her purse, hiding the sorrow on her face from him. "Sure, sweetie, I understand. We'll just see you tomorrow then, okay? Bye, then and I hope you get a lot of productive thinking done." Pasting a smile on her face she faced him once more.
Phillip was eyeing her suspiciously saying a quiet "Thank you, Mom," as she left the room.
Once outside the ward, Amanda fought for control once again, managing to push down the distress that was reaching out to her. 'Phillip is growing up,' she lectured herself. 'He has to work these things out for himself. I have to let him work it out. I never knew this would be so hard.'
Chapter Forty-Nine
Dinner came and went in the Stetson household in unaccustomed silence. Amanda had related to Lee the morning events and that Phillip wanted to be alone. Lee wanted to go confront Phillip for the pain he was causing his mother but knew without a doubt that was a VERY BAD idea.
He and Jamie had spent the most of the afternoon working on a frame for the photo that was being entered in the Art Show. Jamie was very excited that his teacher thought so highly of the work. Jamie had the matting at home but refused to allow anyone to see the actual photo.
Lee had discovered an unknown side of himself while helping his stepsons with projects. He learned more from them than they did from him but it helped them bond. His respect for Amanda went up another level every time he screwed something up and Phillip or Jamie had to bail him out.
Amanda had thrown herself into housework as she always did when she was upset. When the knock on the door came, she was crawling around in the cabinet under the stairs where the accumulation of the past few boyish enthusiasms rested. They were now joined by Lee's enthusiasms as well. The balls, rackets and climbing gear threatened to collapse on her as she exited the cabinet, swiped her dusty face with an equally dirty hand and answered the door.
Francine's eyebrows rose at the sight before her and her mouth twitched with a snide comment that being near Amanda always seemed to bring out in her. Francine swallowed it and smiled pleasantly.
"I'm sorry, I seem to be interrupting. Amanda, can we talk?" Without waiting for an answer, Francine swept in the house and headed for the kitchen.
Amanda followed her, wondering what was going on. She was even more shocked when Francine took a dish towel, dampened it in the sink and reached out to wipe the dirt off her face. Amanda took the towel from Francine's hand and finished wiping her face and hands, trying to cover her rattled nerves.
"Francine, oh thank you. Here, let me take that. I must look a sight. I wasn't expecting you. I mean, I wasn't expecting anyone. I mean, I was cleaning, you know, it's so hard to keep up with three men and their stuff. Well, I know you don't know but …" Amanda ran out of breath finally and Francine smiled reaching out and taking her hands.
"Amanda, I do know what you mean. I'm sorry for dropping in unannounced but I wanted to talk to you."
"Do you need to see Lee? He's out in the garage with Jamie. They're working on a project for art class. I'll just go get him," Amanda began to edge toward the door but stopped at Francine's words.
"No, Amanda, I came to see you. You, alone. Now, shall we have some coffee? Where do you keep it?" She began rummaging around, filling the coffee maker while Amanda got down the coffee and fixed the filter. They stood in silence while the coffee made and then took their cups into the den.
Francine had never really looked around Amanda and Lee's house and she was enchanted by what she saw. It wasn't to her taste but she could recognize the effort put into decorating when it surrounded her.
"Amanda, it looks just like you, the décor, I mean."
Amanda looked at her oddly, wondering what insult hid in that remark.
"No, I mean that as a compliment. I think your home reflects you and your family. Warm, close and loving. I know we've had our differences but we've also shared some close times, remember? And I'm here today," Francine continued, "because I am your friend and Lee's friend. I want to help."
"Well, thank you Francine, but there's not really anything you could do right now with Phillip." Amanda was really confused now.
Francine gave a rueful chuckle. "Not about Phillip. I know that's something I can't help with unless you just need an ear?" She cocked an eyebrow at Amanda, who shook her head no. Frankly, Francine was relieved, she was not able to understand teenagers.
"Amanda, I want to tell you a story. A story about Lee and myself."
Amanda gave a start, unsure if she wanted to hear this.
"No, not that," Francine had the grace to look abashed. "I'm sure Lee has explained our 'backgammon' friendship was long over before he met you. No, this story is about friends. You see, right after I joined the Agency, after my first assignment in fact, I made a really bad choice of male friends," Francine paused, taking a deep breath.
"I found myself alone and pregnant. Lee stood by me during that time. He stood by me when I lost the baby and let me cry in his arms. He's the only one who even knew about the baby. He supported me when I was so racked with pain that I didn't know how to go on. And I want to be able to do the same thing for him, for you."
"The father never knew?" Amanda asked in a whisper, aching for Francine. "Francine, I am so sorry. You must have been so hurt."
"There was no question of telling him," Francine declared. "No way in hell that I was going to tell him, not after what he did to me. But the point is, Lee was there for me. Let me be here for you," she said, brushing aside Amanda's expression of pain on her behalf.
"What do you mean, Francine? Everything is fine," Amanda fiddled with her cup, not looking at Francine. "We've just got to help Phillip right now."
Francine shook her head at Amanda. "Lee came by the apartment a few days ago, Amanda. He told me about you..being sick to your stomach."
A weak "oh" was Amanda's reply. Part of her was embarrassed at Francine, of all people, knowing about what might be going on. The other part was glad that Lee had someone he could turn too in his despair. Of course, she would have guessed Billy but, given what Francine had just told her, maybe it was understandable.
"Have you been to the doctor? Do you know anything yet? Do you just want to talk about it? Amanda, let me help you. Sometimes, it's good to talk to someone not so closely connected to the situation." Francine felt uncomfortable now but pressed on with her train of thought. "It might help you sort out your options if you talk about it."
Amanda was astonished. She didn't realize that Francine could be so insightful when it came to emotions. She had always seemed to be as disconnected from them as Lee had been when Amanda first met him.
Setting her coffee cup down, Amanda turned to face Francine. "Thank you for your concern, Francine. Actually I went to the doctor but it's too early to tell. Lee and I talked about it the other day. I don't know what to do. How could I carry a child conceived by rape? But, how could I do otherwise? It wouldn't be the baby's fault how it came to be."
Struggling for control, Amanda began to pace the floor, a bad habit she had picked up from Lee. "Francine, I couldn't keep it but how could I give my child away? It's too much, just too much. I'll go insane if I have to think about this anymore."
Francine rose and stopped Amanda's pacing. She put her arms around Amanda, pulling her into an embrace that startled both women. Tears were streaming down both their faces when they heard the backdoor open and Lee's voice calling out.
"Amanda, is that? Oh, hello Francine, I thought that was your car. What brings you here?" Lee watched the women separate, wiping their faces with their hands. Tactfully, he turned away, heading for the kitchen.
"Ah, fresh coffee," he said, his voice a tad louder than normal, Lee took out a cup and poured it. "Anyone need a refill?"
Amanda and Francine had regained their composure and erased the traces of tears from their faces, exchanging small smiles at Lee's obvious discomfort. When Lee reentered the room with the coffee pot, they were smiling.
"Ah, no, Lee, thanks anyway. I, ah, just dropped in to tell Amanda, that is to ask Amanda.."
"For my poppy seed cake recipe. Seems Francine wants to impress a date with her cooking skills. I told her I'd be happy to make one for her and send over the dirty dishes." Amanda jumped into the void.
"But, that's okay, maybe I should just tell him the truth." Francine laughed, grateful for Amanda's quick wit.
"Yeah, Francine, considering what happened the last time you took cooking lessons," Lee joked. Francine and Amanda both joined in his laughter as they recalled those fateful visits with Mrs. Welch. The Stetsons' eyes met as the memories of their first encounter drifted through their minds.
"Well, maybe you are right. Anyway, Amanda, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, okay? Bye Lee." Francine beat a hasty retreat out the front door.
"So, are you going to tell me?" Lee asked.
"No," Amanda replied. "It was private, between Francine and me. But, Lee," she crossed the room and stroked his face. "Thank you for being a friend," she said, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek.
Chapter Fifty
Monday morning came bright and early. Jamie rushed off to school while Lee and Amanda headed over to the hospital for their meeting. They were shown into Dr. Crouse's office and waited in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.
Several minutes later, Dr. Crouse arrived with a young man in tow. She introduced him as John Blevins, Phillip's out patient therapist. Settling in their chairs, Amanda spoke first.
"Mr. Blevins, uh, is that doctor or.."
"Just call me John. I'm a Pastoral Counselor. Just to set you mind at ease, let me assure you that I do counseling, not religious conversion. It's merely that we are affiliated with the Christian community. Many time we have our office located in one. I had time to talk to Phillip this morning before his classes started. He really wants to understand and make sense of what's going on in his life. I assume you are willing to work with us to get there?"
At their affirmative nod, John went on. "Now there are things I will not be able to tell you. Those remain covered under doctor/patient confidentiality. I promise, that I will let you know if there is a problem or if Phillip starts to be suicidal again. When and if he wants you to be in on the sessions, that is fine. Keeping that in mind, do you have any questions for me?"
After settling the basics of how often, when and where he and Phillip were to meet, Amanda had a question.
"John, in our last talk with Dr. Crouse, she said Phillip is feeling a lot of confusion related to his father's anger and abandonment. Has he mentioned that to you?"
"Yes, we did talk about that subject. Phillip said his father was putting a lot of pressure on him to excel in all areas of his life. Phillip hates the thought that he's letting his father down and to an extent, he feels guilty because he values Lee's opinion of him more than he does his fathers. Phillip is angry at Joe for leaving your family when he was so young, but he is afraid to express that anger at him now that Joe is back in his life."
Amanda and Lee nodded; they had figured that much out for themselves. John went on.
"Joe seems to still have some conflict over your divorce, Mrs. Stetson. He blames you for depriving him of his family. And he blames you, Mr. Stetson, for trying to take his place in his son's affections." Blevins held up his hand, forestalling the words about to rush out of Lee and Amanda's mouths. "I didn't say you had, just that he perceives it to be so and he is passing on that anger to Phillip."
"Joe has no right," Lee spoke forcefully. "None at all, to involve the boys in his emotional problems."
"No, Mr. Stetson, he has no right but unfortunately, he is doing so. Our job is to help Phillip realize that they are Joe's problems and that Phillip should not take ownership of them. Joe needs to own them, only then will he be able to let go.
"I'm going to recommend that Phillip be released in a couple of days. He needs to know that you and his mother will be there for him and that you want to help him."
"We do and we will," said Lee reaching for Amanda's hand. "Whatever it takes."
Chapter Fifty-One
Joe called that evening, demanding that Phillip come stay with him "Until you and Lee get everything settled between you."
Amanda had seethed and refused, politely, just barely. She asked Joe to stay away from Phillip and Jamie for a while. Joe ranted and raved that she had no right to keep him away from his sons. It wasn't until Amanda threatened to get a restraining order that he took her seriously.
"You haven't heard the end of this, Amanda. They are my sons and I have a right to see them. I'll see you in court if I have to."
"Fine, Joe, just fine. If that's what you want. But don't forget who has custody and just what your visiting rights are as spelled out in the divorce papers. I believe it's two weeks in the summer and one weekend a month." Amanda struggled to keep her temper. She had never known Joe to be so unreasonable, except when he wanted her to move and she refused. That had led to their divorce. As it was, ever since his return to the states, Amanda had encouraged Joe to spend as much time as he could with the boys. School nights, weekends, long visits in the summer. And this was the thanks she got now. The more he spoke, the angrier Amanda got.
"Custody can be changed, Amanda. I don't think you and Lee are fit parents. What with your jobs and running off and around all hours of the day and night. That's not even mentioning the danger you have put them in with this lifestyle. I want my boys.." Click.
Lee could hear the conversation across the room. He was the one who hung up the phone. He took Amanda in his arms and held her close. To his surprise, she didn't seem upset. Instead, she was angry. She pulled away from him, pacing the den in a habit she had picked up from him, muttering under her breath. As her voice became louder, Lee could make out the words.
"Thinks I'm an unfit mother, does he? And you an unfit stepfather? Well, he's got another think coming to him. I think I need to go see that lawyer in the morning."
"Amanda, he's upset. You know he doesn't mean it." Lee tried talking to her but Amanda moved away from him.
"No one threatens to take my children from me. No one. If that's the way he wants to be, well, two can play at that game, buster." Her eyes glinted steel at him and Lee backed away, raising his hands in front of him.
"Whoa, Agent Stetson. I'm on your side. However you want to play it, I'm with you all the way."
Two days later, Phillip was released to come home. Dotty had come over and cooked all his favorite foods. Jamie had cleaned the house and even changed the sheets in Phillip's room without being asked.
TBC
The story referred to with Francine and Lee is "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" and is posted at FanFiction.net by this author.