But It Will Make You Miserable First
See Chapter One for Warnings, disclaimer, etc.
The poem "Life is a Lemon" is a song by Meatloaf. The song from John's tape "Crash and Burn" and the other poem "Affirmation" are songs written and performed by Savage Garden. No copyright infringement is intended.
Thanks to my last minute beta readers, Calicia, Les, Amanda and Maria. Thanks to Beth J for all her input throughout the entire process. I couldn't have done it without you!!!
Chapter Fifty-Two
Phillip remained on outpatient status Thursday and Friday. Amanda took him over in the mornings and collected him around 3:30 every day. When she met him on Friday afternoon, he was excited as he left the classroom.
"Mom, guess what? Today the counselors had us write about all our bad feelings any way we wanted. Mine is in a poem. It was really interesting. I didn't know that I felt this way until it all just started flowing out. I still have to work on it and find a title but we are going to share them in the family meeting Friday. You will come, won't you?"
"Phillip, you know we'll be there. I am so glad you're feeling better. Lee and I will do everything we can to help you. Everyone will, I'm sure." Amanda was torn, optimistic on one hand, relieved as well. But on the other hand, she was concerned that this was too much too soon and Phillip would relapse at the first sign of a challenge.
"Not everyone, Mom. Dad came by the ward today. He wanted to see me but the counselors wouldn't let him. They said you had a court order denying him access to me. Is that true?" At his mother's nod, he went on. "I guess I can see why. Dad's really been scaring me. One minute he yells and the next he just gets all quiet and moody. And every time he comes to see me, I get more confused. He just makes me so mad and then I get so scared and I don't know why. I guess the judge made the right decision after we talked. But I'm sorry you had to go through that, Mom. It musta been hard for you."
Amanda swallowed the words that tried to come rushing out of her. They were words that no child should have to hear spoken by one parent about the other. She wanted to condemn Joe's actions and words. She wanted to attack him with all the hurt he had inflicted on her in the past weeks. However, she knew that doing so would cause more problems than it solved and so she stifled those hurtful words and strove to say something non-committal.
"Phillip, I know that your father loves you and wants the best for you. It just seems that he's having his own problems expressing it in a helpful way. So everyone agreed that it's best if he's not around you and Jamie for a while."
"Yeah, Mom, I agree. Anyway, we're going to write about what's right in our lives as well. This is a really cool exercise. I've never done any writing just to get my feelings out, you know? It's really helping. What's for dinner?"
Amanda let Phillip ramble on as she thought back on the scene in the Family Court the day before when the judge told Joe he wouldn't be allowed to see the boys until he had sought help.
Chapter Fifty-Three
Amanda had called T.P. Aquinas Tuesday from the office and arranged to meet him for lunch at his favorite café. He rose to greet her with an ever-ready smile on his face. T.P. had helped Amanda and Lee out many times in the past and Amanda knew that he could steer her in the right direction now. She needed a good lawyer, one that was able to understand the security issues and tough enough to help her protect the boys.
"Good Afternoon, Mrs. Stetson. And how are you this lovely fall day? Where is that rakish husband of yours this morning? I don't know what he's thinking, letting a beautiful woman like you have a lunch date with another man." T.P. gave her a gentle smile as he held her chair until she was settled.
Amanda had no choice but to smile in return. "Oh, T.P., you are such a rogue. And you know by now that you should call me Amanda. Lee wanted to come but Billy caught him at the last minute. He'll try to join us when he gets away…T.P., I need your help."
"Amanda, you know I am always at the ready to assist a lovely damsel such as yourself. How may I help you?" T.P. pushed his glasses up on his nose and gave her a serious look. "Is this about the office? I haven't heard of anything going on that I felt you needed to know."
"No, T.P., this is personal. I guess, that is, do you know, uh, have you..." Amanda suddenly could not force out the word to tell T.P. of her attack and the subsequent events. She found her hands extremely interesting and studied them intently, blocking all other thoughts from her mind.
She jumped when warm hands covered hers. Looking up, she saw T.P. giving her one of his sad smiles as he nodded. She exhaled a breath she wasn't aware of holding.
"Lee called me, dear girl. How may I express my sorrow for your pain? Such a terrible, terrible thing." He shook his head, eyes unfocused for a moment as he recalled his feelings when Lee had told him. "Now, how may I help you? Is this about the..." he let his words trail off. Like so many people, he was reluctant, almost unable to say the actual words.
"No, T.P.," Amanda squeezed his hands, conveying her thanks for his tact. "No, this is about my ex-husband. He's causing problems and I need legal help. Do you know someone who… "
"Can take on Slater, Gross and King with the security clearances and the expertise as well? Of course, my dear Amanda, you just tell me what the problem is and we will find the right person."
Amanda explained how Joe had been acting ever since the attack, how irrational he had behaved about Phillip, and how she was afraid he was going to delay his recovery with his attitude. She ended with his threat to take the boys away from her at the end of their last conversation.
"So," T.P. mused. "He is worried about their safety due to you and Lee being agents and wants to gain custody. Have there been any problems in that area?"
After Amanda explained the problem caused by Joe himself, she explained the steps she and Lee had taken to keep their family safe. "Well, Amanda, it sounds to me as if he doesn't have any grounds. Now, let me think about who can best help us with this quandary."
T.P. was deep in thought as Lee arrived and took the chair by his wife, his arm automatically going across the back of her chair. T.P. was accessing the laptop computer he carried with him everywhere and barely spared him a glance. It was one of the newest toys available and while it was quite bulky, T.P. liked the freedom it gave him to research away from the office.
The waiter appeared and took their order, seeming to know what T.P. wanted without consulting him. The food had arrived by the time T.P. surfaced from his research and he blinked owlishly as the waiter deftly moved aside the computer and set his food before him.
"Oh, thank you, Rusty, very good, yes. Now, where was I? Ah, yes." Seeing Lee and Amanda watching him expectantly, T.P. motioned with the fork he had just picked up. "Dig in before it gets cold." Suiting actions to his words, T.P. began his meal leaving the Stetsons no choice but to follow his example.
Silence reigned while lunch was consumed. Amanda wasn't very hungry, her stomach was tied up in knots and hurting. She toyed with her food, finally forcing herself to eat a few bites since she didn't need to collapse again. At last, T.P. wiped his mouth and face and set aside the napkin, giving a contented sigh. Lee had been fidgeting impatiently for the past five minutes.
"Patience, my dear boy, patience. Now, have you talked to Legal about this?" At Lee's nod, he went on. "And they said they couldn't help you since it wasn't an Agency matter." Lee nodded again, a scowl on his handsome face.
"That's just as well since the shysters on their payroll have no experience in this kind of thing. You'd think that this would have come up before, considering the divorce rate, especially..." T.P. suddenly stopped that track and shook himself. "Well, that's neither here nor there now, is it? At any rate, here's the name of someone who will help you." He handed them the name and address he had written down. "And you have an appointment in 45 minutes. Get going now, you two. And let me know if there's anything else an old man can do for you." With those words, T.P. stood and shooed them off.
Amanda crossed to place a kiss on T.P.'s cheek while Lee stood, looking at his watch. T.P. blushed and shooed her away, pleased in spite of himself.
Chapter Fifty-Four
The Stetsons arrived at the office of Dewberry and Dewberry with 5 minutes to spare. They took a seat in the reception area and caught their breath, talking in low tones.
"How did he do that?" Amanda asked yet again, a question she had repeated over and over on the drive over. "Lee, that man is a genius, pure genius. I'm beginning to believe that there's something more to him than we know. He's got so many connections."
"Calm down, Amanda. T.P., well, T.P. is one of a kind and we're lucky to have him on our side. He's a good friend."
Conversation was halted as the receptionist called their names and led them into an office.
A tall thin man with red hair was rounding the desk towards them, his hand extended in greeting. "Mr. Stetson, Mrs. Stetson, I'm Darin Dewberry. So nice to meet you, come in and sit down." Handshakes were exchanged all around and everyone settled into a chair.
"So, T.P. tells me you have a problem with your ex, Mrs. Stetson. Tell me about it." At their startled looks, he grinned. "Don't worry, I have clearance." He slid a letter across the table for them to read.
Satisfied that Dewberry was cleared for the story Amanda relayed the series of events, from the beginning when she first met Lee and ending with Joe's actions since Phillip had been in treatment. Dewberry took careful notes throughout the story.
Dewberry promised to have a talk with Joe to see if a compromise could be reached and to call them later that afternoon. Lee and Amanda returned to the office after a quick stop in the dispensary to get something for Amanda's upset stomach. It didn't seem to help much as they waited.
Every time the phone rang, Amanda jumped. She was on pins and needles waiting to hear from Dewberry. Lee tried to distract her but nothing worked for long.
"Amanda, you're like a long tail cat in a room full of rockers. Calm down," Lee took her hands in his, gazing deep into her eyes. "You are not going to make the phone ring by ESP."
"I can't help it, Lee. These are my babies and I need to keep them safe, no matter what it takes. I can't believe Joe is acting like this. He's just totally off his rocker. First it was the things with the grades and studying and then blaming Phillip for being so upset. Now he has the nerve to say we are endangering them when we both know that…" The phone rang, causing Amanda to leave the rest of the sentence unsaid while she pounced on the unsuspecting receiver. "Yes, yes, this is Amanda Stetson. What? He what? When? Yes, yes, of course, tomorrow morning …10 am in Family Court. Yes, we'll be there. Thank you."
She let the receiver fall numbly from her hand. Lee placed it in the cradle and waited, knowing that she would tell him soon. The few seconds he waited felt like an eternity.
"Lee, that was Dewberry. We have a meeting in Family Court tomorrow at 10 am. Joe had already filed a petition for change of custody."
Her words struck Lee Stetson like a blow to his solar plexus. He had come to love these boys and he was not ready to allow anyone to take them away from him, including their father. In silence the two very shaken agents cleaned up the files on their desks and drove home, neither one able to voice the fear of what tomorrow might bring.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Morning arrived much too early for Amanda. She wanted to go on sleeping and pretend that everything was normal again. She saw Jamie off to school with a sad smile and went upstairs. Dragging into the bedroom, she shuffled to the shower, spending twice as long as usual.
Lee had returned from his jog to find her still under the hot spray. He stripped off his running togs and slipped in to join her. He put his arms around her and pulled her close, giving her a squeeze. Then he soaped up the washcloth and began washing his wife from top to bottom, turning her around so he could reach every part of her.
Amanda was smiling by that time and Lee felt his heart leap at the sight. When she began to return the favor by washing him, his heart wasn't the only thing to leap. That earned him a full-fledged grin as she threw aside the washcloth and began running her hands on his soapy body.
He pulled her face to him and kissed her lips. She stood on tiptoe and pressed herself against him. She deepened the kiss, urging his mouth open to allow her access. Lee was more than willing to be led by her. He fumbled behind her back to shut off the now tepid water and stepped gingerly out of the shower, reaching in to lift her out and carry her to the bed.
He laid her down and returned for towels. He tenderly dried every inch that he had so lovingly washed minutes earlier. She lay almost passive under his ministrations. Lifting her once again, Lee moved her away from the damp spot where he had first laid her. Using the other towel, he quickly dried himself and stretched out beside her, folding her in his arms.
"Ah, Amanda, my love. We need to do this more often," he sighed in her hair, feeling her warm soft skin next to his. Her only response was to snuggle closer, her lips nuzzling his neck. They rested in silence for a time, content merely to be touching each other. Both knew that there was not enough time for anything else this morning.
All too soon, time came for them to get ready for the appearance in Family Court. Amanda felt stronger, ready to face whatever the day may bring, assured of Lee's love and support. They picked up Jamie from school, his presence was requested by the judge. Phillip had already been interviewed at the hospital.
Amanda was a mass of nerves and her stomach ached fiercely. She wondered in passing if she was developing an ulcer from all the stress. She had at least been eating better until the past few days when the nagging ache started.
"Court of Arlington County to hear the case of King VS Stetson. Petition for change of custody." The bailiff's voice rang out and the lawyers and their clients made their way inside the courtroom. Jamie had been led away to wait in a nearby office with a deputy until the Judge wanted to speak with him in private.
Joe had refused to speak to or even look at Amanda and Lee while they waited in the hallway. Joe was alone, no Carrie in sight. Amanda wondered if she was that busy or disagreed with Joe about this issue. He looked straight ahead while his lawyer, Jeff Slater, fiddled with the papers, clearly ill at ease.
The Bailiff read the petition aloud for the court, lawyers following along in their copies. The Judge allowed Slater to go first.
There was the usual message about how Lee and Amanda's work put the children at risk. How they were gone at all hours of the day and night, that the boys were targets for those seeking to hurt the Stetsons. He ended with the accusation that Amanda put her work ahead of Phillip and Jamie's mental as well as physical welfare as evidenced by the recent slip in Phillip's grades and his subsequent breakdown.
Dewberry calmly refuted all the points on their merits. The only time that Phillip and Jamie had ever been in physical danger was the direct result of Joe's work.
It was true that the family of an agent was in more danger but with two parents trained to watch for that danger and the courses the Agency offered to families, he argued, they were safer with Lee and Amanda than coming home to Joe and Carrie's empty house everyday. They had Dotty close by to help out and stay with the boys in the event work kept them overnight or took them out of town. Phillip's problems had nothing to do with any Agency related matter and Amanda had been the one to seek help for her son, against the express wishes of his father.
Judge White heard the arguments, asked a few questions and retired to consider all the evidence, including the list of Phillip and Jamie's activities in the past four years since Joe had been home and which parent was involved in those activities. The families adjourned to get some coffee while they waited.
Judge White returned in about half an hour. As the courtroom settled around him, he looked sternly at everyone involved. Rapping his gavel on the bench, the judge spoke.
"I have reviewed all the evidence presented before me today pertaining to this matter. It seems to me, Mr. King, that this motion has been frivolously filed. You have no evidence to support your case that either Lee Stetson or your ex-wife, Amanda West King Stetson is in any way an unfit parent. It is this court's belief that they have taken all reasonable precautions to safeguard these children and that the children are better watched over in their home than they would be in your home until you or your wife return after work. In addition, you have a year old baby that is currently in day-care while your sons have never been in commercial child care a day in their lives."
Clearing his throat, he went on. "I have talked with both of the young men and they prefer to stay in the home situation with their mother and stepfather. Furthermore, in light of your attitude concerning Phillip's recent troubled behavior, I am extremely disturbed to find that you are blaming him and anyone else around as well as reacting with inappropriate anger instead of seeking a solution and help for your child. It is the judgement of the court that you shall be barred by a restraining order from contact with either of your sons until you have received anger management counseling and an interview with a court appointed representative who recommends that the order be lifted. Custody of the minors Phillip and James King shall be granted to their mother, Amanda West King Stetson with Lee Stetson also having custodial guardianship. This court is adjourned."
Joe had been flabbergasted at the decision and vocally protested until the judge threatened to hold him in contempt of court. He ordered Joe restrained until Lee and Amanda had left the building, warning him that if he broke the restraining order, there would be serious consequences.
Chapter Fifty-Six
Lee and Amanda were overjoyed at the court ruling, standing with their arms wrapped around each other back at the lawyer's office. Jamie came running to join them and almost bowled Amanda over with his enthusiastic greeting. Dewberry took care of all the formalities, including notifying the hospital that Joe King was not allowed to have access to Phillip. Lee asked him to send the bill around to the house when it was finished but Darin insisted there was no charge.
"Anything for T.P.," he smiled. "Besides, I was glad to see justice prevail in this case. Don't worry about it, Lee. You just concentrate on healing your family."
Lee shook his hand firmly; sincerity and thanks conveyed in Lee's eyes that he could not find the words to express. Amanda hugged Darin and cried tears of happiness and relief. Together, the Stetsons floated through the rest of their day.
The evening passed quietly, Phillip was due home the following day. Everyone retired early, tired after the stresses of the past week and eager to begin anew.
Amanda closed and locked the bedroom door after checking that Jamie was asleep. She closed the distance between her and Lee, starting to rub his tense shoulders. Lee's eyes closed to slits with pleasure as her touch worked out the knots he wasn't aware were even there. Amanda guided him over to the bed, pushing him face down and moving away for a moment. Lee was content to wait for her touch, enjoying the rare moment of peaceful pleasure.
When Amanda joined him on the bed, she deftly removed his shirt and began applying massage oil to his shoulders. Her hands slid over his sleekly muscled back, tracing all the old scars as she went. Lee's eyes remained closed, lost in the sensation of her touch, interspersed as it was with light kisses. His eyes flew open, however, when something bare slid over his back that was most definitely not her hands. He tried to rise but she held him down, her bare body now pressed into his, sliding along on the sheen of oil she had applied earlier, nibbling on his neck, shoulders and anywhere else she could reach.
Just when he could stand it no longer, Amanda rose, tugging his shoulder to guide him in turning. Lee's eyes feasted on the sight before him. Amanda's oil covered body was shimmering as the reflected light from the bath softly bathed the room. The look on her face told Lee that she knew just what she wanted and how she was going to achieve her desire. Her hands unfastened his jeans, easing them over his hips with his willing help. Soon, he lay as bare before her as she was before him.
With a small smile on her face, Amanda poured more oil into her hands, warming it with her body heat before spreading it on Lee. Her hands followed the contours of his body, making sure no area was left untouched. When she was sure he was ready, Amanda lay on top of him and slid her body up and down against him.
Lee's breath was beginning to come in short gasps at her actions. He heard her purr low in her throat at his reactions. That sound soon gave way to her own gasps as Lee's hands began doing their own exploring. His hands knew all the spots that turned her to jelly and he had no mercy. Somehow, she ended up beneath him, her body bucking with desire as he touched her and worshipped her with his love.
The only sound in the room was their breathing and small passion-filled cries of desire. When Amanda arched her back, pulling Lee close, he plunged himself into her waiting, willing core with no hesitation. Finding himself in heaven, Lee Stetson maintained his self-control and concentrated on pouring all his love not just into the body but also into the soul of the woman he adored more than life.
Exhausted, they fell asleep entwined in each other's arms. Sometime in the night, Amanda poked Lee, urging him to move over, she was in a wet spot. Lee grumbled in his sleep but shifted anyway. They slumbered through the night, content and secure in their love.
Morning's light and a sticky feeling drove Amanda out of the bed and to the shower. She returned to the bedroom, toweling her hair and laughingly nudged her husband to wake up.
"Lee, get up, I need to change the sheets after last night. That oil made quite a mess. I felt sticky all night."
Lee lifted the sheet to get up but stopped in mid-act, staring at the bed. A large grin broke over his features and he bounded out of the bed and over to Amanda to catch her up in a hug and swing her around in a circle.
"Lee, what are you doing? Lee? Have you gone mad? Put me down before you knock something over." Amanda's pleas must have gotten through to him. He deposited her beside the bed, grinning like a fool. "Lee, what has gotten into you? I know you enjoyed last night but…" She fell silent as he swept back the sheet, revealing the source of his happiness and her discomfort from the night before.
When the realization sunk in of the significance of the rather large red spot on the sheet, Amanda joined Lee in a wild spinning celebration ending with them collapsing onto the bed right in the wet spot. Finally Amanda caught her breath enough to speak.
"Lee, I will never again complain about having to change the sheets at this time of month. Now I know why I've been so uncomfortable the last few days. Oh, my, what a relief! I never thought I'd be so happy to have to bleach sheets." Amanda was overcome with giggles of happiness and relief as the stress and uncertainty of the past few weeks was put to an end.
She was puzzled as to why she didn't notice the event this morning when she was cleaning up. But, sometimes she did spot a bit before getting down to the main event, so to speak. After her and Lee's activities the night before, it looked like more than just spotting but hey, she was just too happy to worry about it at the moment. 'I'll ask Dr. Fields next time I go and see what she says,' Amanda decided, dismissing the thought from her mind for the moment.
When Phillip came home from the hospital that afternoon, their joy was complete.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
It was Friday night and Phillip had officially been released from outpatient care. This was to be their last Family Meeting with the group. Several of the inpatients shared their essays about their feelings and then it was Phillip's turn. He had requested to be the last one of the evening since it was his last night.
"The title of my poem is 'Life is a Lemon'," he began.
"Life is a lemon and I want my money back
It's all or nothing and nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out.
It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about
It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back
There's desperation, there's desperation in the air
It leaves a stain on all your clothes
And no detergent gets it out.
What about Love?
It's defective; it's always breaking in half.
What about your Family?
It's defective; all the batteries are shot.
What about your Friends?
They're defective; all the parts are out of stock.
What about Hope?
It's defective; it's corroded and decayed.
What about Faith?
It's defective, it's tattered and it's frayed.
What about your God?
He's defective; they forgot the warranty.
What about your Childhood?
It's defective; it's dead and buried in the past.
What about your Future?
It's defective, you can shove it up your…
Life is a lemon and I want my money back
It's all or nothing and nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out.
It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about
It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back"
There was silence in the room after Phillip finished. Then slowly the patients began clapping and cheering, shouting approval at Phillip for expressing their pain in a way that others could finally see it.
Amanda's face was white and strained. Lee wrapped his arm around her shoulder, resisting the urge to carry her bodily out of the room. Phillip's words had hurt her tremendously. She had done everything in her power to be a good mother and this felt like a slap in the face.
Phillip finally quieted down the rowdy group. He held up a hand asking for silence and finally spoke again.
"I just want to say. This is how I felt when I came in here. I know now that it's not true for me. I hope it's not true for any of us. With the help of the doctors here," there were a few catcalls but the other patients quickly shushed those. "With the help of the doctors here and the support of my family, I am working on getting rid of those feelings, or at least putting them in perspective. Life really is good, if we can get past all the anger that is dumped on us to find ourselves."
"You all know that the second part of this exercise was to write about the good things. Well, mine's not finished yet but I'm getting there. With help, we can all get there." Suddenly embarrassed about being so open, Phillip mumbled, "Well, that's all I have to say."
He quickly crossed the room to Lee and Amanda, taking a seat on the floor beside them.
The session broke up soon afterwards and Phillip made the rounds, saying good-bye to his friends. Several of the other parents came to Lee and Amanda, congratulating them on the recovery Phillip had made and hoping that their own children would do as well.
Phillip crossed the room to his mother and Lee, ready to begin the journey back to normality. At least that's how he felt until he saw Amanda's face and the pain she was trying to hide from him. He backed off, allowing Lee to provide the comfort she needed right now, at least until he could find the words to explain.
Amanda was silent and strained on the journey home. She tried to focus on the thought that this was the beginning of his healing but her mind refused to let go of the word 'defective'. It cut her to the core; preying on the feelings of inadequacy she had been fighting so long.
Phillip was subdued, trying to figure out how to explain that he didn't mean anything she had done in his poem. He never meant to hurt her with his words. The silence in the Explorer was deafening.
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Arriving back at the house, Phillip went ahead and opened the back door, heading straight for the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. He knew that his mother liked something warm to drink when she was upset.
Amanda and Lee entered the house several minutes later. Amanda went straight past Phillip, up the stairs to the bedroom. Lee paused in the kitchen.
"Chief," he began. "How ya doing?"
"Okay, I guess. Is Mom really upset with me?" Phillip asked, seeing he had startled Lee with his question. "Hey, I'm not blind, just stupid. I didn't mean to upset her. But I needed to say those things. I was just so confused about…well, everything."
"I know, I know, but she's your mother. She's sacrificed a lot to insure you and Jamie had a normal childhood. It hurt her to hear all her hard work being dismissed as defective. I think that word hurt her almost as much as anything else that's happened," Lee paused for a moment, considering his words. "Phillip, you know how I grew up."
Phillip nodded; Lee had discussed that topic with Jamie and him shortly after moving in.
"Your mom was just the opposite. She had that idyllic childhood and she wanted to give the same to you and your brother. It's been a struggle, with one thing and then another, but she held to her goal. I wanted that for you as well. You know that's why we kept our marriage a secret at first. She felt badly enough that you were so confused you thought about…" Lee cleared his throat.
"Anyway, she was upset about your problems. She struggled to overcome the feeling that she had failed you. She needed to hold on to the belief that she had done a good job raising you. Tonight, Chief, you shot her down, a missile straight to the heart. She's hurt and confused. You really need to talk to her."
"I know, Lee, I know. That's why I'm making her hot chocolate." Lee gave him a puzzled look and Phillip explained. "It's what she always makes for us when we feel bad. I thought it might help."
"Good idea, son. Shall I ask her to come down and join us? Or do you want to talk alone?" Lee asked, pulling the marshmallows out of Amanda's hiding place while Phillip was getting out the mugs.
"I was going to take it up to her. Hey, where'd you find the marshmallows? No fair, Mom's the only one who knows where those are kept." Phillip exclaimed.
"Hey, your mother and I have no secrets, not even about marshmallows," Lee laughed.
Phillip balanced the tray after loading it with mugs, napkins and a thermal carafe of the hot chocolate. The marshmallows were in a bowl on the side. He mounted the stairs and knocked at the bedroom door, using his foot since his hands were full.
"Come on in," was the muffled reply.
"Uh, Mom, could you come open the door? My hands are full." Phillip asked.
Amanda opened the door, her face showing traces of tears. Phillip entered and deposited the tray on the dresser. Pouring a mug, he turned to his mother, offering it with a smile.
"This always makes me feel better," he spoke tentatively. "Don't worry, Lee got out the marshmallows." He stood awkwardly, unsure if she was willing to hear him out. When she took the mug, a small sigh escaped him.
Amanda sat in the chair, her feet curled under her, box of tissues within easy reach. Sipping the chocolate in silence, she waited.
"Mom, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I guess I've been saying that a lot lately, huh? But, " he took a deep breath and went on. "This assignment was to express how we were feeling, about the reasons for our actions. And I really didn't know until it all came pouring out how hurt I was about stuff, honest. But it felt so good to just let all that hurt and rage out."
Stopping to take a sip of his own drink, Phillip crossed to sit Indian style at his mother's feet. Looking up at her, he went on with his speech.
"The other half of the assignment was to talk about what's right, what we've learned about the good things in life. Mom, I promise," he laid a hand on her knee as he went on. "I promise, you'll like that one so much better. I'm just not finished with it yet. Will you at least suspend judgement until you hear it?"
"Phillip, it hurt to hear those things. But then, as I sat here thinking, I remember some of those feelings when I was a teenager, too. I remember being so mad at my parents, thinking they weren't fair. Hating my life and their rules. So, sweetheart, I can understand where those things came from. It just really hurt me to hear I did a rotten job when I thought I was doing the best thing."
Amanda set aside her half finished mug and reached for a tissue. Wiping her face, she tossed it in the trash and stood. Phillip rose as well, unsure what was going on. Amanda put her arms around him, squeezing tightly as she whispered in his ear.
"As long as you can get past those feelings and want to go on living, I'll be happy," she said, her voice choked with the tears she struggled not to shed. "Thank you for the chocolate. Let's take it back down and clean up, eh?"
Together, they gathered the dishes and descended to the kitchen, finding Lee lounging nonchalantly at the bottom of the stairs, his own mug in hand.
Amanda and Phillip exchanged grins, knowing that Lee had been just outside the door during their talk. The trail of chocolate drips spilt from the mug as he hurried down the stairs betrayed him. Amanda moved to the sink, Phillip trailing behind.
"Everything okay now?" Lee asked, the question directed to no one.
"Fine, Stetson," Amanda smiled. "As long as you didn't reveal my secret hiding place!"
Amanda and Phillip burst into laughter as Lee stuttered to defend himself. Giving up, Lee joined them, crossing the room to sweep Amanda and Phillip in his arms.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Amanda spent the next few weeks dividing her time between working in the office, sessions with Dr. Phaff and ferrying Phillip back and forth from his therapist appointments.
Phaff was concerned about her reaction to not being pregnant. He seemed to be afraid she would sink further into a depression. Amanda and Lee talked long and hard to him about that subject. Phaff finally let it go after extracting a promise from them that they would not try to start a family of their own until some time had passed. They readily agreed to this condition.
Work was not very pressing since she was still tied to a desk until her final clearance from medical. She worked on her shooting skills with Leatherneck. He was impressed at her change of heart when it came to shooting the 'bad guys'.
"Mrs. Stetson, you still have to shoot the little girl. You've gotten past the nun but the little girl gets you every time."
"I know, Leatherneck, I know. I just cannot shoot a child." Amanda sighed as she took aim at the projection of a wall and fired, ending the simulation. "Everyone else, even the nun but not a little girl."
"Well, Mrs. Stetson, let's hope no little girl terrorists come after you then. You're doing really well." Leatherneck had pretended to be more upset than he was. He had seen Amanda grow into the skills she needed to survive in this business and was proud to have had a part in her development.
Amanda spent considerable time as well training in unarmed combat with Dr. Pain. She knew that this was an attempt to feel in control again but she didn't care. If there was any one thing that she could learn and share with other women on how to escape an attack, it was worth all the bruises and stiffness she brought home. Besides, Lee was always willing to rub out her kinks, she thought with a big smile on her face.
Taking the time off to take Phillip to the therapist twice a week was fine, once Amanda got over the fear that missing so much time lately would cause her to lose her job. She spent the time the two were talking doing her own journaling.
Chapter Sixty
Amanda's Journal
Day ???
I don't even know anymore. Funny, a couple of weeks ago, if you told me I'd lose track of how much time had gone by since the attack, I'd have never believed you. Amazing how things become clear when something really important happens. Focusing on Phillip's problem helped me push the other to the back of my mind. We never did find out how he had planned to kill himself. The only thing he would say is that he wasn't planning on using one of our guns. I guess I'll never know and that may not be a bad thing. If I don't know, it can't haunt me.
Day ???
Somehow, it's easier to come to terms with the possibilities if I didn't concentrate on them all of the time. Phillip and Lee had some long talks out doing 'guy' stuff. Lee said he felt guilty about what he said to Phillip that day after the fight. Phillip told Lee that his words had hurt but, knowing they were spoken in the heat of the moment, those words had much less an impact than Joe's ongoing criticisms of him. I know they were both relieved to get that out of the way, even if neither will admit it.
- Day ???
I guess I could count it back but I really don't feel the need. Now that the fear of being pregnant has passed, my heart is so much lighter. Of course, it helps that Phillip is home and Joe is barred from seeing them until he works out his own problems. I never wanted to take that step but he tied my hands when he filed for custody. But what really makes my heart light is that Lee and I can touch and love again. I was so scared he might never be able to get over what happened. But he's been remarkable, he didn't put those walls back up and I am so grateful to have found such a caring man. Even if it took him a while to become that way, make that a LONG while. But he was worth the wait.
Chapter Sixty-One
After Phillip's first outpatient meeting with John, Amanda heard the same music coming from his room every time she went by it. When asked, Phillip told her it was a song written and recorded by John. It was something he gave his clients to hold onto during their dark times. Phillip left it in the Explorer one morning when Amanda dropped him off at school. She debated on whether or not it was ethical to listen to it but parental concern won out over her respect for privacy. She and Lee put the tape in the machine up in the Q Bureau and turned it on. The mellow music relaxed them and they listened closely to the words.
When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you,
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and
You feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.
When you feel all alone and a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street with the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day
Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again.
When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you,
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall.
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.
The music slowly faded as the words echoed into the distance.
Lee looked over at Amanda to find tears rolling down her face. He was surprised to find his own face wet when she reached out and gently wiped his tears.
"You okay?" The words came out of his mouth in a whisper as if afraid to break the spell of the music.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just so …touched. Whoever wrote that song knew about pain. It's like he reached into the depths of my soul and pulled it all out. Wow," Amanda whispered in return.
Lee gave her a lopsided grin, understanding perfectly what she meant. He felt the pull of the song speaking to his long-buried pain and the way he had lived his life before Amanda showed him that there was another way. He heard Amanda speaking and pulled himself back to the present.
" 'You're caught in a one way street with the monsters in your head' Oh, Lee, that's just how it felt when I started blanking out what had happened to me. I couldn't face it, I let the monster win," Amanda was almost sobbing now and Lee crossed the short distance between them to take her in his arms. "Is that how Phillip felt? No wonder he couldn't face it." She gave in for a few moments to the painful memories that had been evoked and mourned a little more for the loss of her son's innocence. She mourned the loss of her own innocence and Lee's as well, when he was such a small child.
A small sob still escaped her as she struggled to regain control of her runaway emotions. Amanda knew that only time would allow her to complete the process of burying the woman who had died that night. The process of birth was always painful. Amanda knew that from having two children but she never knew until now that a spiritual birth was as painful, if not more so.
Amanda knew that she and her family would come out of this process stronger people than they had been at the beginning. However, she would have given a lot to turn back time and be able to skip the catalyst for this growth experience.
Chapter Sixty-Two
At the end of a month, Phillip asked Amanda, Lee, Dotty and Jamie to join him for a family session. He seemed very nervous and ill at ease when they arrived. He looked repeatedly at John who gave him a look of encouragement but said nothing.
"Mom, Lee, Grandma, yeah, even you, Jamie, I just want to tell you all how much your love and support has helped me to deal with things." Phillip took a deep breath and turned to his mother. "Mom, remember when I wrote the poem about my life being a lemon?"
Amanda nodded; she would never forget the stabbing pain when she heard those despairing words coming from her son.
"Well, the other side of the exercise was to write about the good. I've been working on this for a long time. I wanted more than to tell you that you've done a good job, a great job as a mother. I needed to tell you what I've learned from you and from watching you meet things head on and conquer them everyday of my life. Mom, you are my hero. You never let things get to you, at least not for long. This is for you, Mom." Phillip fell silent for a moment then began reading from the paper in his hand.
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I am loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
There were tears in the eyes of everyone in the room when Phillip finished. Lee and Jamie tried to wipe theirs away before anyone noticed. Amanda and Dotty were unashamed of theirs and made no effort to wipe them away. Tears were running freely down Phillip's face by the time he was finished.
"I didn't realize what I had until I almost threw it all away. I am so sorry I hurt you all. Please forgive me." Phillip went to each person in the room, asking for their forgiveness and spending a moment speaking words that went unheard by the others. By the end of it of their conversation Lee had stopped trying to pretend he was unaffected as tears slowly traced twin lines down his face. Even Jamie stopped acting like he was unaffected when Phillip was talking to him, even if he did keep wiping the tears away, hoping that no one had noticed.
The family left that session feeling much more at peace than they had been since that awful night in September, which had caused the beginning of the breakdown. They had come through the past months and worked their way deep into the pain and were emerging on the other side, much like a caterpillar cocoons itself and, when the time is right, sheds that covering and emerges a beautiful butterfly.
Epilogue
Jamie's photo had won in the juried art show for the school region and was entered in another competition scheduled for late December covering the entire state. If he won there, he would go on to a regional competition at the Telfair Museum in Savannah in the spring. He still refused to let anyone in the family see it, even Lee who had helped build the frame.
Joe was getting help but was still under the court order to stay away from the boys. Amanda refused to talk to him when he called. Soon, Carrie was doing the calling instead and reassuring them that Joe was dealing with things and was very sorry for his actions.
Phillip had finished his suspension from school while under treatment and returned to school with a much different attitude and his grades were vastly improved. Things even seemed to be doing better with Elayna. Her father had relented and accepted Phillip's written apology. The two were allowed to visit together under her parent's supervision until they came to know him better.
Lee took Phillip out for driving practice in the Corvette. Soon, Phillip had regained enough confidence to take the driver's test again and passed it with flying colors. He was given the keys to the Jeep with strict conditions about where he could drive. Soon, no one would guess that there had been a problem, except for the now monthly meeting with the therapist.
The End
Actually, the next story deal with Jamie's coping.