[ Note to Readers- I do not own any of these characters and won't even attempt to claim that I do. They are the sole property of the amazing Jonathan Larson. If you haven't seen Rent-you should. This is my first attempt at one of things. It still needs quiet a bit of editing so sorry for all the mistakes. Comments/criticism/ and all other things are welcomed. ]

Here I am yet again with my art-or obsession as some would say. Today I found a couple boxes of tapes that had dates scribbled on them, in the chicken scratch I call my handwriting. I am supposed to be meeting Roger and Collins at the Life Cafe but the tapes seem to call for me to watch them. The first couple I go through are just clips of all of us together right before Maureen moved out. But its a tape at the bottom of the box that grabs my attention 'April-May: clips of friends' is written in bold letters on the label. I feel drawn to this tape and can't resist the urge to watch one more before meeting my friends.
I turn the projection screen on and find myself drawn into April taking pictures of Roger at a club years ago. The images are cut badly between takes but the image of Roger so happy brings tears to my eyes. I have to remind myself that much of that happiness was drug induced, but I haven't seen him that way since and don't know if I ever will again. The tape progresses and suddenly the date flashes on the bottom of the screen and I realize that this was the day that April died. As I watch the screen all the sounds of the city are hushed as I find myself drawn into that day a couple of years ago...
It was rain during an outdoor filming that brought me home early. I figured no one would be home; Roger would be practicing, Collins at class, April at the studio, Maureen roaming the streets looking for her next lost cause, and Benny could be-well Benny could be anywhere with the way he's been acting lately. The apartment was unusually quiet without everyone home, but the silence was a welcome change. I placed water on to boil and made myself a glass of tea, intending to read through some new scripts hoping to find my next film project. But it was the silence that prompted me to set up my camera. The screen flashes with me adjusting the shot to make sure my entire body is visible before settling back on the couch with my tea.
As I am sitting there contemplating what I should say, the door suddenly opens and April comes rushing into the room. She throws her raincoat upon the floor and storms into the bedroom muttering to herself the entire time. I follow her with my eyes and know I should say something but I knew better to intrude when she was like this-before her next fix. I hear the drawers slam and try to remain quiet, but lucky me the couch choses the wrong moment to creak really loudly.
"Uh-Hi Mark." she seems thrown off by the fact that I'm there but instead of commenting she asks, "Have you seen Roger around?" I can't help but notice that her eyes are bloodshot, face flushed, and hands are shaking at her side.
"Uh...No, sorry. I think he said something about practicing later tonight because of the CBGB's gig on Saturday. I could go get him if its important, cause its not like I'm doing anything."
She paces around the room, as if she was trying to find something to make whatever she was feeling go away. She finally makes herself a glass of tea and sits next to me on the couch. Instead of talking to her or comforting her like I should, I sit there like an idiot and do nothing. But I guess that was always me- the man who is and does nothing. Minutes pass until she finally looks at me, her eyes filled with tears, "Mark, I don't know what I'm gonna do..." We sit there awkwardly for several moments before she finally leans over and begins to sob on my shoulder.
I twitch as she touches me and my body doesn't quite know how to react. I was never into human contact, both physical or emotional, it just hurt too much. As April cries into my shoulder, I sit there like a wall remaining unchanged. I find myself at a loss of what to do or say. Thoughts race through my mind but I can't find the words to express what I'm thinking.
The seconds draw out and although its only several minutes later, it feels like hours, when she finally pulls herself away. She rubs her eyes and sighs slowly. I don't know if anything I could have done could have improved the situation but just being there with her seemed to have made her feel better. We sat there in silence both off in our own worlds for quite a little bit. The phone pierces the quiet and I hear our message 'You've reached Collins, Mark, Roger, Maureen, and Benny-we're not here but if you really feel like it you can leave a message. Can't promise we'll return the call though! Bye' followed by 'Mark- I know you're there, pick up the phone. Please? I really need your help. Meet me at the coffee shop on 11th Street at 3. Love you-Maureen'
As I stand to go, April grabs my hand and whispers, "Thanks Mark. See you later, ok?"
"Yea, sure, we'll talk later," but I'm still not sure of what there was to be said. This was between her and Roger, not me.
Back to the present- I watch as I walk out of the shot and hear the door slam in the background. April sits on the couch for several minutes, tapping her feet on the floor before taking out the distinct plastic bag out of her pocket. She leaves the shot for several minutes but returns with a needle, spoon, and lighter. As I watch, she injects herself with the drug and her face becomes calm once again. I am seeing all of this on the screen, and though I tell myself that I couldn't stop her from taking the drugs I feel responsible. Could I have been able to stop her? What would have happened if I hadn't left?
I go to stop the tape when April speaks, " Roger, Mark-anyone else who sees this thing. You've obviously know what I'm about to do, or as I'll say what I've done. I went to the doctor last week for something to make my headaches go away and he insisted that I have blood work done. When he called back a couple days ago I figured, it was just standard procedure but then he sat me down and told me that I have HIV/AIDS."
She pauses before continuing," I don't know positively how I contracted the virus but I have some ideas- a couple of years ago I slept with my dealer off and on in exchange for the drugs. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done besides drugs, but I can't take back what is done. I don't think I can take any more of this. I-uh-uh am just so tired. With money problems, the problems at work, the drugs, the constant pressure, and now this, I just can't go on anymore." her voice quivers with each word and she begins to cry.
"Roger-I love you so much, despite everything. I'm so sorry for leaving you alone with this-I'm just too weak to continue. Mark sweety- you tried so hard and I can never thank you enough for caring so much. You were always there for all of us and we forget what an amazing thing we have. Please take care of Roger, he's going to need you now more than he'll ever admit and more than you'll ever know..."
Her sobbing once again hinders what she's trying to say, and she tries to get her emotions under control to continue. As she's sitting there, I finally notice that she was clutching a piece of loose leaf paper with Rogers name scribbled on the top and an old knife that Roger used to carry in his pocket. After a couple of minutes, she is finally able to continue, " I have to do this. Maybe one day you'll see why-when you- when you start to live again. You were the one Roger- the one that completed me, but my problems were just too much. Don't blame yourself- Please don't hate me..."
I try to look away from the screen but find myself transfixed as I watch April take the knife and quickly slice both of her wrists. She grimaces at the first cut but still finds the courage to continue. She closes her eyes and lets out a long sigh, and then slowly gets up taking her picture walking towards the bathroom. As she moves a trail of blood begins to follow her, as the blood begins to flow more rapidly. I close my eyes-totally stunned to have found that April's Suicide had been filmed. Thoughts race through my mind but I am still brought back to reality when I hear her exclaim, "OH God," before a loud thump resonates throughout the entire room.
I sit on the couch fingering the faint stain that still remains from the day long ago. Could I have stopped April from killing herself? What if Maureen hadn't called? Why did I have to witness this? Caught up in my own thoughts I don't even notice that the tape reel had ended and that a black screen had begun to flicker. This was such a strange feeling and I find myself in turmoil about what I should do next- should I show Roger or let this remain something that I'll only ever see? I guess I'll be left to ponder this question all evening. It's not like Roger and Collins will even notice I'm not with them tonight-they never do anyways...