What If…
It had been a rare pleasure at the Halliwell's house that night. A cousin of theirs and two of her witch friends had come home to visit.
Phoebe in particular had been pleased to know other witches and also pleased to be able to talk openly about their lives with them. It was a rare pleasure that they could only share with the men in their lives. Of course that was nice, but it definitely wasn't the same as with other women.
The men themselves had decided to skip the little reunion. Too many women in the same room, they said. Instead they themselves had decided on a rare night out between boys.
The girls were certainly wondering about that but they had their own fun that night and chose to forget about any possible problems for the evening.
Late that night and after lots of laughter interspersed by some serious moments about the enemies they all faced, they finally had to call it a night and Phoebe regretfully accompanied them to the door:
-I hope we can do this again soon.
Her cousin Caroline:
-I hope so too, let's keep in touch.
Phoebe:
-Sure, I'll call you soon.
Caroline and the others said their good night and they departed. Phoebe was going back to the kitchen and picking up a bit before bed when she touched one of the girl's cup. A vision took her over and what she saw made her gasp:
"The car had just parked at one of the witches house and one of them was coming out of it when a warlock blinked right by the car.
The others jumped out to help but another blinked behind them and before they had time to react, the three of them had been stabbed."
Phoebe almost screamed and ran to find her sisters who had already begun to prepare for bed. They immediately understood the urgency of the situation and ran to their own car. Then they went there as fast as they could. Unfortunately they got there just to see the end of the unfortunate event and the warlocks blinked out before they could do anything. They ran to the witches but the three of them were already dead, lying in a pool of blood. A whitelighter that they had never seen before orbed in at that moment but when he saw what had happened he shook his head sadly. There was no more he could do.
Although the other two were really sad at what happened, Phoebe seemed shocked beyond tears. She kept a wooden expression during the ride home. Then she went to bed without having said one more word.
When Cole came to her that night she still said nothing, she just huddled in his arms and didn't answer when he asked her if she was ok. He thought he understood that she wasn't ready to talk about it and just lied down with her without talking. But Phoebe was now beyond sad, she felt anger and remorse. With all the powers they had, they still couldn't save those women whom she had considered her friends. And now in the dark she was wondering if maybe her intense desire to be a witch had not been misplaced. She could hear Cole's regular breathing now, telling her that he had fallen asleep still holding her. She knew she should have been happy. She did have many wonderful things to live for. Her baby on the way, a man whom she loved more than anything… But tonight she wondered if the price had not been too high. She couldn't help but blame herself for their death. As the hours passed and sleep wouldn't come a wish began to form in her mind. She wished that she never had read from that book…
Phoebe found herself sitting in a chair; she was in the attic now. The door had been unlocked contrary to what Grams had always told them and Phoebe had found treasures in there. She had been amazed at the things her grand mother had kept from them and after a while of sneaking in all the bric-a-brac that she found there, she had opened an old trunk and found a strange book with even stranger markings. She had not been able to resist flipping through the pages, reading incantations and spells which made her think that Grams had really been living a double life of some kind. After a while she was about to close the book but the first page caught her attention. There was a long and strange spell there about powers. She started to recite the first lines:
the secrets we hid in the night."
And then she stopped herself without knowing why.
She still looked at the page with a curious sensation to the pit of her stomach and then slammed the book closed. She then put it back in the trunk and turned her back to it.
After she left the room, the ghostly form of her grand mother appeared; she looked sad and she went to the trunk tking the book in front of her. The pages flipped until she had found the spell that she was looking for:
"To the Heart of great sorrow
Show all the Futures of tomorrow"
Phoebe was sitting in the living room now thinking of how things were not looking very good right now. She had come back from New York slightly defeated. Prue wouldn't talk to her because of the Roger's fiasco and Piper barely tolerated her. Of course she couldn't really blame her. After all, she had left abruptly following their grams demise and Piper had been left to fend alone with all the responsibilities. Still, Phoebe was more worried about her own future than anything right now. Then something weird happened:
She felt dizzy for a moment and images started to form in her mind, of moments she had never lived but that still felt like memories.
She is in a store with her sister Prue, which amazes her considering they do not talk to each other anymore. But she is trying to make her angry and that doesn't surprise her at all. But what happens next does. All the items in an alley just fly off the shelves.
She returns back to the present with an odd feeling but tells herself that she always had lots of imagination and maybe the hallucination was caused by her looking up that book earlier.
Prue interrupts her musings when she comes back, calling Piper:
-Hey you'll never guess who I met today, she tells Piper who has just come to meet her.
Piper seems depressed but still asks:
-Who?
Prue:
-I met Andy at the hospital.
Piper not very enthusiastic:
-Well what do you know.
Prue:
-What's up with you?
Piper:
-I didn't get the job. I was so hoping to start my career as a chef, but something went wrong and they gave the job to someone else.
Prue:
-I'm sorry.
Phoebe has an odd sensation here like if something didn't fit but she can't put her finger on it.
Her sisters walk away without even acknowledging her presence and she just shrugs.
Then another memory comes to her:
The 3 of them are in the attic and they look very scared, then a man looking like Piper's new boyfriend but with spikes coming out of him comes in. They chant some nonsense about the power of three and he explodes.
Now Phoebe back to the present is starting to wonder if she is going crazy.
Now she also wonders if she didn't move the spirit board's arrow herself. With all the other nonsense, she is sure that she might have done that too, as her sisters told her.
She turns on the TV hoping to calm herself.
But the news are depressing, they are still talking about those horrible murders.
For a few minutes it seems to have stopped. She hopes it's for good but then it starts again faster like a movie on fast forward:
She sees her sister Piper transform into some werewolf or at least that's what it looks like, 3 Prue in the same room, the ghostly apparition of her mother and grand mother.
For the best part of the next few hours the memories seems to go on and on. She is in sweat, but nothing she does can stop it.
At some point she met a man, she seemed very happy with him until he turned out to be one of the monsters that she sees non stop in the visions. But contrary to the others she doesn't kill him. And he comes back to her. She accepts him as he is, even though she knows what he is, she still seems to believe he loves her.
Then the memories accelerate again until the last one: a horrible vision where she sees 3 women lying on the ground, bleeding to death.
When the vision ends, Phoebe is breathing hard and tears are rolling down her cheeks. But at this point she finally convinces herself that it had to have been some nightmare. She just wonders why she didn't realize she was sleeping…
She also is made aware of how long this lasted when Piper comes back home from her date. She had not even noticed that she had gone out in the first place.
Piper:
-Hey Phoebe did you stay sitting there all evening?
Phoebe:
-I think I fell asleep…
Piper just acknowledges the fact and says good night.
Phoebe feels sad that her relationship with her sisters is getting worse all the time. They do not seem to have anything to talk about anymore.
She goes to the kitchen hoping some milk will help calm her. She really hopes those visions won't come back but it doesn't take long before they do.
She finds herself in a small apartment, she is in the bedroom and a man is sleeping beside her. She tries to wake him up with a kiss but he just waves her away. He looks a little like Clay, whom she always thought was her kind of men. On her face the disappointment is obvious.
Back to the present Phoebe wonders what this all means. Could it be her future and if so, which one is right.
Back in the apartment she is astonished to see herself with a waitress uniform.
The phone rings and she hurries up. The man in the bedroom protests loudly and she speaks in a low voice.
Phoebe:
-Hello?
Piper:
-Hey we didn't hear from you in a while. How are you?
The Phoebe from the vision seems almost annoyed:
-Same as usual, she says coldly.
Piper:
-I was just wondering you know. How is Jack?
Phoebe:
-Same…
Piper:
-I see that you are not in a talking mood.
Phoebe guiltily answers:
-Sorry sis, I know that you mean well, it's just there is so little happening in my life…
Piper:
-I can't say there is much in mine either. I wish I could have gotten that chef position, maybe now I wouldn't be so bored. The job at the bank is so unfulfilling.
Phoebe:
-Why don't you try again? You were always good at this. I'm sure it will work out for you the next time.
Piper is unconvinced:
-Maybe. Meanwhile Prue has had another gallery opening last night.
Phoebe:
-Really, but from the look of her it really isn't something she cares much about.
Piper:
-I read that in the paper. I tried to call her but her secretary took the message and you know what that means don't you?
Phoebe:
-To be honest, I haven't talked to her in ages…
Piper:
-Well anyhow, I might expect her to call back next week or so. I guess that's what happens when you are successful.
Phoebe just says:
-Yeah.
Piper:
-Well then if everything is fine with you…
Phoebe:
-Yes it is… And you're boyfriend she asks belatedly?
Piper:
-Jeremy is not my boyfriend anymore. He left me 2 weeks ago. He said something about being tired of waiting.
I really didn't understand what he meant but frankly things weren't so good with him anymore.
Phoebe:
-I'm sorry to hear that.
Piper:
-That's ok.
Well I'll call you again soon?
Phoebe:
-Sure… Bye!
In the present Phoebe cannot believe how dull that life seems to be and passionless. She always thought her life would be exciting and different. But then again she thinks maybe it's better than seeing monsters and people die all the time.
The memories or that's what she calls them return:
She is walking fast near a park; it's dark already. Suddenly she hears a scream. Her first reaction is to go help whoever is in trouble and she moves toward the noise. There she sees one of the monsters she saw in the other lifetime. He is stabbing a woman and she screams in terror and pain. Somehow Phoebe thinks she should do something. But she doesn't know why she thinks that. She is frozen in place until the monster seems to notice her. Then she starts running away. But the monster doesn't follow her and she reaches her apartment building, breathless. She runs to her place and calls 911. When she's done telling them what happened she is left with the feeling that she should have been able to do something but when she tells Jack, he just says she did the right thing.
So why does she feel that she failed that woman?
The Phoebe in the present has the same eerie feeling and she wonders how she could even think of fighting a beast like that no matter what she saw before.
Another vision comes:
-She has been caught for shoplifting. And now she is being arraigned. The prosecutor astonishingly enough is the same man she knows to be a demon or something but of course the Phoebe she sees doesn't know that.
She apparently is not at her first offense but the judge offers her some community service. She doesn't seem to care much about anything. But still when her case has been heard she stays there until the end of the session.
She has taken a fancy to the prosecutor and intends to talk to him afterward.
When it's all over she approaches him a little timidly.
-Hello she says.
He turns to her and seems to barely notice her but still says hello.
Phoebe:
-You look like you know your job very well.
Now he turns to her a little more interested:
-Why thank you Miss?
Phoebe:
-Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell.
Cole:
-Cole Turner. Were you doing something later?
Phoebe:
-No actually, I'm free.
Cole smiles slyly:
-Well would you like to have a drink with me?
Phoebe now smiles:
-I'd love that she says charmingly.
He smiles anew and picks up his briefcase, ready to go.
Throughout the evening he had been charming and funny. But occasionally she had the feeling he was observing her strangely. Still those were only a few fleeting moments and she had enjoyed herself tremendously.
In the end he had escorted her to her apartment building and just kissed her good night.
She called him:
-Will I see you again?
Cole:
-Why not I'd like that very much.
Are you free for dinner this Thursday?
Phoebe had smiled and said yes without hesitation.
Then she had watched him go before entering the building and the apartment where she was now living alone. Obviously Jack had left.
The next Thursday, she was waiting anxiously for Cole to come pick her up. She didn't know why she had been so taken with him so fast. But there it was. Of course she told herself she was never very smart with men. Her many failures in that department were definitely not a good sign. But still, she was hoping for something more with him.
He arrived a little late telling her he had been detained at his work. She just accepted his explanation without any doubts in her mind.
Again that night he had been perfect. She had enjoyed herself so much that when they came home she didn't hesitate to invite him in.
Their lovemaking had been wild that night like nothing she had ever known. But as great as it had felt she could sense something was off about him. He was very distant in the morning and left her without mentioning any more date.
Phoebe was very disappointed and after a week of silence on his part she had gone to the courthouse to try and see him.
She asked for him to a desk clerk after having waited for hours in the courtroom. The man told her that the ADA had not shown up all day. She was very troubled now. She had not even realized until then how much he had meant to her in the little time they had been together. But obviously the feeling had not been shared. When she started back home it was already dark outside. She had always been very bold and given lots of worries to her sisters. Even if she knew no woman should walk alone at night in the big city, she still did it on a regular basis. That night though, she was going to regret it.
She was just crossing the park to get home when she noticed a noise like a moaning coming from her left. The park was very dark and she hesitated for a moment to investigate. But the moaning persisted and she couldn't leave a person in need. So she cautiously approached the location where she thought someone was in trouble. She found a woman, obviously badly hurt. The woman looked at her pleadingly but at the same time she saw fear in her eyes, not fear for herself Phoebe sensed but fear for Phoebe. This puzzled her to no end and as she was trying to stop the blood from her wound she was looking around herself with a mounting uneasiness.
Suddenly the woman's eyes widened and Phoebe looked back in the direction she seemed to be staring at. She couldn't help scream when she saw the tall red beast coming resolutely at her. He had a strange and scary knife in his right hand.
When he was close enough to see her clearly, he seemed to hesitate stopping only a few feet from her. But then he just came at her. She thought it was the end of her but instead of killing her, he picked her up off the ground and threw her away in the thick bushes like she weighed nothing. He then turned to the poor woman on the ground and finished her mercilessly under Phoebe's horrified gaze.
When he was sure she was dead he turned back toward Phoebe with a somewhat hesitant stare as if he was unsure what to make of her. But that lasted only a moment and he was coming at her with the knife raised when he got hit from behind. A man she vaguely remembered from the other memories had planted a knife in his back and the monster was screaming in rage and pain. Then the unimaginable happened. For a short instant before he was consumed in a ball of flame the monster became a man and she recognized him as the man she had been looking for.
She was just unable to move or scream or even talk. For a long moment she just stared the spot where Cole, or rather the monster, had just been killed. Then the man who had saved her life went to the woman first and shook his head sadly then he came to her with the same sad expression.
When he was close to her he said something very odd:
-It shouldn't have happened, not like this. You shouldn't be here. Then he added to himself:
-All hope is gone.
Phoebe finally found her voice:
-Is she…
Paul:
-Yes she is.
He then just helped her up and led her out of the woods.
Phoebe:
-Did you know her, she asks trying to understand the man's attitude?
Paul:
-No but I thought I knew you. I guess I was mistaken.
Then he just told her to go home.
Phoebe hesitated for a moment looking back toward the woods, unsure.
Phoebe:
-What happened?
Paul:
-It's none of your concern anymore. I'll take care of everything. Then he resolutely turned his back to her.
In the present, the visions seemed to finally stop and Phoebe wondered about her own feelings on the matter. Somehow she felt something was missing. But she couldn't fathom what it was. She had been sitting at the counter for some time now. It was late at night and she decided that maybe if she finally slept this madness would go away.
She got up and slowly went upstairs but when she was at her bedroom's door, she stopped and looked up toward the attic.
She got the distinct sensation that whatever was missing had to have to do with whatever still lied in there. So it is that she finally went back in the room she thought she had left behind for good only a few hours ago.
Inside, she still hesitated. Unsure of what she should do. It had only been an impulse but with no clear purpose. She was almost ready to turn around when her grand mother appeared in a glowing light in front of her. Phoebe admitted to herself that if it had happened only a few hours ago she probably would have been scared. But right now after all she had seen it almost seemed natural that she could see Grams like this.
She just said:
-Grams?
Grams:
-Yes my dear, you're not dreaming, well not quiet.
Phoebe:
-What do you mean?
Grams:
-How do you feel now?
Phoebe sighed:
-Very confused. I don't know what to think.
Grams smiled gently:
-I know my sweet. It's been so difficult for you.
I, myself almost didn't let you fill your destiny. But I know now that it was necessary.
Phoebe's confusion deepens:
-What destiny? Grams you always were telling us about our destiny but you never explained…
Grams:
-What did you see tonight?
Phoebe:
-Too much to tell now that's for sure.
But what is real Grams?
Grams:
-You are needed Phoebe, you're important. If you refuse your destiny you can still walk away…
Phoebe:
-Really?
Grams:
-But if you do, then what will have been the meaning of your life?
Phoebe:
-You cannot mean that I should go through what I've seen. All this suffering, the constant battles.
Grams:
-But if you don't, will the innocents be safer?
Let me show you one more thing…
Phoebe feels the memories coming back again.
One by one, she sees the innocents that she has saved in the first memories but now they are all dead.
Grams seeing the pain wash over her:
-You see Phoebe, it's true that you cannot save everybody but if you didn't even try they would all die.
But you can still walk away. Forget about all this and start a new life without magic. I would understand.
Phoebe still hesitates. She looks back through the door tempted to turn around and just forget. But then she sees the faces of those people again in her mind and she goes resolutely to the trunk who lies there still opened.
She looks back toward her Grand Mother and this one smiles now.
She picks up the book and opens it to the first page then as before she starts reciting the spell but this time she finishes it.
In a daze she hears Caroline calling to her:
-Phoebe? Are you ok?
Phoebe cannot believe that her cousin is there and not dead as she has seen her before.
-What happened?
Caroline:
-I don't know, for a few minutes there you seemed almost in a trance.
Phoebe cannot believe this:
-A few minutes?
Caroline:
-Yes, we were telling you that it was time for us to go and suddenly you just phased out.
Phoebe suddenly smiles and the others seem relived.
-You know what? I have a feeling that you should stay here for a while. Me, Piper and Prue have a little errand to run and then you should be good to go.
Caroline:
-What do you mean?
Phoebe:
-It's just something I remembered. Will you let us use your car?
Caroline:
-Well if anybody else had told me what you just said, I would have wondered about it, but since it's you…
Phoebe:
-Great!
She goes to the attic to look up the warlock in the book.
Somehow when she gets there she's not surprise that the book is opened exactly at the right place.
That night two more warlock were vanquished, and the surprise on their face when they saw the Halliwell sister coming out of the car was really satisfying for Phoebe.
The witches finally left, grateful to Phoebe although not sure exactly how she knew.
Piper and Prue had gone along but also were wondering what told her to go there in the first place.
Phoebe answered cryptically:
-I got given a third chance.
When she finally went to bed, Cole soon came to join her. The girls had told him what happened and now Phoebe was smiling happily at him.
Cole:
-So you had a busy evening?
Phoebe:
-You could say that. And you know what? I've never felt better about what I am.
Cole smiles but is still unsure of what she is talking about.
Phoebe:
-I just know that we made the right choice when we became witches. I had my doubts for a while but no more.
Then she asked:
-And how was the night with the boys?
Cole:
-Well not so bad.
She kisses him passionately now, following her impulse.
Cole says after this:
-But if you're going to be like that every time I do, I might get use to it.
Much later after he fell asleep, Phoebe looked up and said sincerely:
-Thank you.
In the attic, Grams smiled.