(The Jeopardy music, video-game-ized, starts up.)
ALEX: Hello, I'm Alex Trebek, and this is Celebrity jeopardy, AKA Idiotfest '01. Since all of the guests from the last game have mercifully died, we have three new contestants.
(A smiling Tifa, a scowling Barret, and a bouncing Yuffie are shown.)
ALEX: From the looks of it, I'd say this is going to be a very long night. (He takes a small flask of whiskey out of his pocket, unscrews the cap, takes a long swig, then closes it and puts it back in his pocket.) And the categories are: Things You Can Spank, Scary Fanfic Authors, Sailor Moon, Is That Palmer?, Chocolate, The Letter "G", Flowers, and The President of the ShinRa. Tifa, for the sake of continuity, you may start.
TIFA: Gee, Alex, that's sweet of you to let me have first go!
ALEX: Whatever.
TIFA: I'll take Things You Can Spank for 100 gil.
ALEX: And the answer is…"This is what you do with spankable items."
TIFA: **BZZZ** What is, kick their ass!?
ALEX: No.
BARRET: **BZZZ* Yo' foo', up in da hizzouse wit mah ho-meez, yo yo yo you know what I'sayin', bro?
ALEX: You're a stereotype. Someone is bound to be offended.
YUFFIE: **BZZZ** **BZZZ** **BZZZ** OOOOH! OOOOH! (She raises her hand and jumps up and down) Call on me, call on me, callonmecallonmecallonme!
ALEX: Uh…yes…?
YUFFIE: **BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ** What is, spank them!
ALEX: You are correct, and I am now deaf. Yuffie, you are in the dubious lead with 100 gil, please pick the next category.
YUFFIE: **BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ** SAILOR MOON SAILOR MOON SAILOR MOOOOOOOOOOOON!
ALEX: For how much? And your buzzer seems to be working fine. Feel free to stop testing it.
YUFFIE: For…for…um…umumumumumummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ALL YOUR MATERIA!
ALEX: Let's say 300 gil. The answer is: "This show is called Sailor Moon."
BARRET: **BZZZ** What is , Space Captain Harlock?
ALEX: No, you idiot.
TIFA: **BZZZ** What is, Magic Knight Rayearth?
ALEX: Close enough, but no.
YUFFIE: **BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ—
ALEX: DO NOT HOLD YOUR BUZZER DOWN.
YUFFIE: **--ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ** WHAT IS GUNDAM WING?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!
ALEX: No, you fucking imbecile. It's SAILOR…MOON….
BARRET: **BZZZ** Yo, that was a trick question!
ALEX: Yuffie, for some reason you are still in the lead. Pick a category.
YUFFIE: I'll take Sailor Moon again, and if you DARE argue with me I'll kick you in the nuts!
ALEX: For 400 gil… Sailor Moon uses this phrase to turn into her Senshi form during the first season.
TIFA: **BZZZ** What is, 'All your base are belong to us"?!
ALEX: Stupid.
BARRET: **BZZZ** What is, "Moon Prism Power"?!
(All of a sudden, Barret is hit y a flying cow and knocked offstage.)
ALEX: No dubbing allowed. Any other answers?
(Tifa and Yuffie look visibly shaken and remain silent.)
ALEX: Good. Let's move on to Final jeopardy, which is a category I adore when I'm in a masochistic mood. The answer is…"This is a yummy food." Just write down a food you like.
(The operatic Final Jeopardy music starts up. Tifa and Yuffie both write like demons.)
ALEX: Time's up. I have a sick curiosity as to what you all wrote. Tifa, you put… "What is Chocobo-burgers?". Good job! And your wager was… "All your base"…?
TIFA: Are belong to us!
ALEX: It's not longer funny, and I hate you.
(Tifa makes a sad face.)
ALEX: Yuffie?
(Yuffie's answer seems to be nothing but a lot of squiggly lines.)
YUFFIE: It's spaghetti!
ALEX: I'll take it. And your wager? "All the Materia in the whole wide universe". You managed to spell six out of seven words wrong.
YUFFIE: I'm specially abled, you horse fucker.
ALEX: I don't doubt it for a minute. Well, that concludes another painful episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. Since we have no winner, you both lose, just because I don't like either of you one little bit.
(Yuffie and Tifa both make sad faces now.)
ALEX: I'm Alex Trebek, and my ulcer is the size of New Jersey. Good night.