Northern Sky

Would you love me for my money,
Would you love me for my head,
Would you love me through the winter,
Would you love me 'til I'm dead?
Oh, if you would and you could...
Brighten my northern sky.
-Nick Drake


I bring my hand up to the door, the white peeling paneled door, and pause.

I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't feel this way.

Before I can let my thoughts go further, I knock on the door quickly, knowing that if I wait, I will chicken out. The instant I finish, I consider running away. Diving behind the side of the garage, so I won't have to see her open the door and lean on it, tilting her head as she smiles and says hello.

You have to tell her, you can't keep this to yourself anymore.

But all words are lost when the door swings open, revealing a world I want to be accepted in. She is dressed in denim shorts and a wrinkled, oil-smudged shirt, her hair is up in a pony tail at the back of her head.

"Will." She smiles self-consciously as she tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear and pats down the creases in her grey shirt.

God, she's beautiful.

We used to have sleep overs together. She used to make me play house with her. We would trick or treat every Halloween as Superman and Wonderwoman or Hansel and Gretel, or some other costume my mother would plan months ahead of time and sew for us.

Get it through your thick skull, Will. She is never going to want you.

I remember when her hair was incredibly long, longer than it is now. It used to reach her lower back. Sometimes she would wear it in two French braids or pushed back with her favorite headband. A blue cotton headband which would circle her entire head and pull the hair at the base of her skull up in an odd manner. But she didn't care back then. I didn't either for that matter.

But now, I notice and catalog all of her behaviors and idiosyncrasies into the Bella file in my brain. The way her whole face seems to light up and her eyes dance as she laughs. The way her hair shines and shimmers in the morning summer sun. They way she uses 'God!' as an exclamation point for her sentences. The way she sometimes glances longingly at Scout when she thinks he isn't looking.

Scout. Sean. Scout and Sean, this topic can't go far in my brain without running into that wall and creating an intense feeling of guilt in my stomach. This isn't fair to them. One - well, both are in love with her and one is dating her. How would they feel if they found out? Would they feel betrayed, or hurt, or angry? Probably all - all and many more.

They're not why I'm here. My mind is the photo album of Will and Bella, constantly updating and recording every new instant together. Could she know? Instead, I think of Bella, when we were younger. I smile as I remember that shirt she always used to wear. The purple one with three cats. On the front, you saw a head on view of the cats, on the back was the behind view, two slender legs and a tail. Almost as if the body of the cats existed between the two sides of the shirt, through her chest. I sat behind her in math and would poke her in the ribs. Her hair would fly when she turned quickly around and smiled, handing me some of the M&M's she was trying to eat discreetly in class.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time. When everything was clear, everything was black and white, right or wrong. When confusion and jumbled feelings weren't an everyday thing. Back to a time when I didn't love Bella. Was there such a time?

I can't do this.

It's just going to hurt everyone in the situation. Bella, Scout, Sean, me. We are all going to come out hating each other and that would be worse than living with these feelings - almost.

"You gonna stand there, or are you gonna say something?" She bites her lower lip, trying not to laugh.

I'm not sure she will want to hear what I'm thinking. How would she feel about what I have to say? The words surface to the tip of my tongue. I desperately want to tell her - I look forward every day to seeing your smile, to talking about our past adventures. I like helping you with homework, I like teasing you and being teased by you. I want you to care about me the same way I care about you. Do you know that? Do you know that I love your multicolored eyes, I love the way the blush creeps up your neck and into your face when you get embarrassed? How when you hug me, I feel like everything is going to be all right, and the consequences don't matter. Nothing matters except us, and I want you to see that. Why can't you see it already?

Get it together, Krudski, and tell her already. I need to tell her everything, I want it all to come rushing out so I can lift this incredible weight off my chest. I am ready to tell her and she is ready to know.

I want you to love me, I want you to choose me. Is that really so difficult? I know if you search deep enough you can find it. I love you - it's always been there, it's never been there. It's hard to explain. Feelings can't be rationalized into making sense, no matter how much I want them to. But it won't need explaining if you feel it too. We can just live through the muddled mess of our lives together and fix it when the time comes - if it ever comes.

I found my love for you and I wasn't even looking. It fell on me from the sky when I dared to gaze at the stars and dream. It's in you too. I hear it every time you say my name. I see it every time you smile at me. And I want to feel it every time you kiss me.

I understand I'm not supposed to feel this way. It's against all the rules of friendship and family, but I'll violate them all for you. Because when you're around I can't think, I can't breathe and I find myself not missing those vital aspects of life. Because there isn't life without Bella Banks, so there would be no use in breathing.

And I don't want to hear the words, 'It's complicated.' Nothing is complicated unless you make it. People may be hurt, friendships may be broken - that's part of living. Getting over things and doing new things. And you may ask what is more important to me, friends or a possibility at something which has no guarantee. You shouldn't have to ask. You know me better than that.

Or you may say no. And I'll be fine. Don't worry your pretty little head; you can't hurt me more than I'm hurting right now, watching you with someone else. You'll be fine, and we'll continue like nothing has happened...we do that well, don't we?

Our life together is a road paved with good intentions - but they aren't enough. We've battled hardships before, and that's what makes us so special - we always survive. You're my survivor, the one who helps the others cope. The one that helps me in more ways than she comprehends. Do you know I hear every word you say, even when you think no one is listening?

And now, I want her to hear mine. The words are forming, the sentences spin through my brain, knocking around in a whirlpool of chaos, and love, and feelings. Opening my mouth, I prepare to let them all out, but...

"Bella...who's there?" She spins around and opens the door wider to reveal Sean sitting on the couch. He notices me in the doorway and waves slightly, returning his attention to the TV. She just rolls her eyes, chuckling, and turns back to me.

I roughly swallow all the declarations and speeches I had planned in my mind, almost choking on the emotion and the irony of it.

"Did I leave my Algebra book here?"


[The End]

Thanks: To Sue and Debi.