Part 13
Xander walked down the stairs, hoping that Wesley and Cordelia hadn't left. Although he was feeling much better, now that Dawn was okay, he also knew he had a lot to think about. When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he could here the two of them talking in the kitchen.
"Hey," he said announcing his presence. "Is everything okay?"
"I think so," Cordelia replied.
"What did Angel have to say?" Xander asked, hoping that Cordelia would be able to shed some light on his actions.
"It was hard to get straight answers from him, but basically he misses Buffy terribly, and before you say it, I know we all do," Cordelia replied.
Xander didn't say anything about that after Cordelia's warning. "So why is he treating us like crap?"
"He has no attachment to us anymore, Xander. I think he remembers some of the feelings he used to have, but he thinks he was cursed by becoming human when Buffy died and all he cares about is bringing Buffy back."
Xander listened to what Cordelia was saying and was not unsympathetic. He often wondered what he would have been like if it wasn't for Dawn being there for him when he first arrived. "Do you believe him?"
Cordelia shrugged. "I'm not sure he knows what he is talking about. His mind is only on one thing. The story could've been bent in his head first."
Xander only nodded, understanding that he was no closer to knowing if Angel was telling the truth.
"How's Dawn?" Cordelia asked.
"She's okay. Worried mainly." Xander glanced up, as if he could see through the ceiling to their room. "I should get back to her. You guys can crash here, you know. Feel free to take one of the spare rooms."
When Wesley and Cordelia, acknowledged the offer, Xander wished them good night walked upstairs.
*****************
Xander's eyes opened with a start, but the mind numbing shock of his nightmares had past. He was almost used to it, and that little fact didn't sit well within him either. The only plus from the new easiness he felt, was his less severe reaction, meaning that Dawn didn't wake up every time he did. When he was fully alert he glanced to his side and saw to his relief that she had not stirred.
Xander couldn't help smiling as he starred at her. She looked so happy, so peaceful when sleeping. He hated to interrupt that serenity, but he needed to clear his thoughts before trying to fall asleep again. His walk to the kitchen may not be a huge distance, but it was just the tonic needed for his head.
He gently rose from his bed, carefully so as not to wake Dawn. As he walked out and down the stairs his thoughts went back to the conversation he had with Dawn earlier. He meant what he said to her. He had no plans to leave. But something nagged at him, and he knew it was his conscience. Whatever Angel's methods, if he was right and Xander could change things for the better, maybe it would be worth risking what he had.
He reached the kitchen and opened up the fridge, taking a carton of juice out. After pouring himself a glass, he sat down on the bench and thought about what else he could do.
As much as his time here had cemented his feelings for Dawn, there was a part of him that hurt, not knowing what had happened to Anya. You didn't stay with someone for two years and not care deeply about them. He had grown out of his love in the last few months for Anya, but it was a hole in his life he would like to see filled. Although he had no contact address for Willow, he was less worried about something terrible had happened to her. He was sure she was settled down somewhere. But he longed to see his life long friend again.
Xander knew that the longing boiled down to wanting to see the Scooby Gang together again. He also knew the only way that would happen, would be if Buffy survived. And then it came back to the basic dilemma. He was the only one who could do that.
As soon as he contemplated going back in time however, his turned to the beautiful woman, asleep in her bed, ignorant to the battles going on inside Xander's mind. Whatever reasons Xander could come up with to go back in time, they all seemed to cancel out as soon as he pictured her smiling face.
Feeling not any better, but wanting to attempt to get some sleep, Xander washed the glass out in the sink before heading to the stairs. As he did he caught a glimpse of a moving shadow out on the back landing. Squinting his eyes he couldn't hide his annoyance at who he saw. He went over to the door and opened it.
"What do you want, Angel?" he asked, before glancing at his watch. "And why at 3.30am?"
"I'm sorry, but I needed to talk to you again," Angel stated.
Xander almost laughed at the change in attitude from the confrontation earlier. But whatever caused it was not his concern. "And it couldn't wait till morning?"
"No, it couldn't," Angel replied, hoping that his sincerity would mask his lame reasoning for why he was outside Xander's house.
Xander wondered if Cordelia had really gotten through to him earlier. He sighed, letting some of his anger out. From what Cordelia had told him, he did feel an amount of sympathy for his former, sometimes, ally. "It's way to early. Come back in the morning and we'll talk." Xander went to close the door, but Angel stuck his hand in the way. "Angel!" Xander said with his annoyance returning.
"Look Xander. I obviously didn't do a great job, in talking to you earlier. I would've thought you would be wanting to know more about the orb, preparing to go back." Angel decided to play the guilt card again, thinking it was his best chance. "I thought you loved Buffy?"
Xander was ready for it this time. The effect having been diluted by its earlier sting. "I did Angel. You weren't around for much of the last two years, but Buffy and I developed a wonderful relationship. We were about as close as what friends get. I would've died for her." Xander's reply was softly spoken but very sure of each word he said. Talking about Buffy always brought high levels of emotion if he wasn't being very careful.
"Then why won't you go back?"
Xander sighed again. "Listen, I don't trust you. I'm going to ask Wesley to look into what you said, but Buffy isn't my future, Angel. Her sister, the woman I love is." As soon as Xander said it, he cringed at how selfishly dismissive it sounded. He continued before Angel had a chance to respond. "You're asking me to risk what I have, on the chance you can send me back, on the chance that I can actually change something. I don't think that is what I should do."
He looked the former vampire in the eye, speaking as gently as he could. "And I don't think it is what Buffy would want either."
Angel lashed out, pushing Xander back against the door. "Don't you dare speak to me about what Buffy would want. If I could go back I wouldn't even have to think about it."
Xander felt like lashing back, till he remembered Cordelia's words. "I know you do, Angel. And to be truthful I feel for you. You have no connection to this time. I do, and that's why I'm staying. It's where I belong."
Angel could see that Xander wouldn't be persuaded. "I can't believe you wouldn't help, Xander." He took one last look at him, before turning and walking away.
Xander hadn't meant to chase off Angel like that. He still wanted to find out if, Angel was telling the truth. But he got so annoyed at Angel's attitude, he couldn't help himself.
With each step that he took up the stairs, Xander ran over some of the things Angel had said to him. He found that a lot of it had hit home. When he was going out with Cordelia or Anya, he had on numerous occasions jumped into the fray to help Buffy. But now the question came down to the same answer. No matter what reasons he could think of, leaving Dawn was too painful to think about.
That feeling was only re-enforced when he got back upstairs and laid down beside her. Almost immediately her arm snaked over and wrapped around his chest.
*************
Dawn slowly opened her eyes, adjusting to the sunshine that illuminated the room, as her body slowly woke out of rest to movement. She could feel the warmth of Xander's body next to her and as she usually did, her body went into automatic mode, smiling at the wonderful feeling of having Xander next to her, and her arm reaching over to pull Xander into a hug. When she did so, she found to her surprise, that he was already awake, and that he seemed to have been staring at her.
"Good morning," she said sweetly.
"Morning," Xander replied, pulling her towards him and holding her tight.
Dawn, while enjoying the feel of Xander on her, couldn't help but notice that behind the word Xander spoke to her, seemed to be a great deal of hidden emotion. She wondered if he had suffered another nightmare last night, or if Angel's words were still troubling him.
*************
When Xander walked into the kitchen he was surprised to see that Wesley and Cordelia were not only up, but had cooked breakfast for everyone.
"Morning," he announced, as cheerful as he could, considering it was morning.
"Morning, Xander," Wesley replied warmly, while Cordelia acknowledged his presence with a smile.
"You didn't have to do any of this you know," Xander said, indicating the food that had been prepared. "Though from the smell of things, I'm glad you did."
"We know, we wanted to," Cordelia answered. "Where's Dawn?"
"In the shower."
Xander had spent most of the night wondering about what to do about Angel and his story. He was loath to take anything Angel said at face value, but after initially dismissing the idea, he found that he couldn't just forget about even the remotest chance to save Buffy and the Scooby Gang.
"Wes, I need to ask a favour?" Xander said seriously.
"Certainly, Xander, anything," Wesley replied.
"Do you still have all the books Giles and Angel had to research what happened to me?"
"Yes, them plus more in LA."
"Good," Xander replied, nodding in acknowledgement that his thoughts seemed spot on. "I need you to look up what Angel was saying last night. Tell me if it was the truth or not."
Wesley glanced across at Cordelia a little worried. "Are you considering what Angel suggested?"
Xander shook his head. "No. It's just, I can't forget about it either. I need to know."
Cordelia looked towards the stairwell, thinking of Dawn who was still upstairs. "Have you spoken to Dawn about this?"
Xander shook his head. "I had another visit from Angel last night."
"Oh dear, are you okay?" Wesley asked concerned and a little surprised that they hadn't been woken from what must have been another animated confrontation.
"Actually he was a lot calmer. I think Cordelia's words got through to him."
"Then why? What changed Xander?" Cordelia asked.
"Nothing really changed, I just want to know the truth. I owe them all that, Cordy."
Wesley could understand both his girlfriends and friends point of view. He had always believed knowledge was the best place to start from when making a decision. "Ill head back straight away."
"Wesley!" Cordelia started to argue, before Xander interrupted.
"Please Cordelia. I need to know."
There was something in Xander's eyes that convinced Cordelia of his sincerity. She got up and patted Xander on the arm to let him know she understood, before fixing him with a steely stare.
"Don't break her heart," she stated plainly.
Xander nodded to her, before watching them walk to the bedroom they had stayed in to pack. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Dawn. Part of him hated that he was checking out Angel's story, but it was something he just had to do. His heart hurt at any prospect that he may cause Dawn pain, but he hoped she would understand his need.
As usual, thinking of Dawn made him want to see her again. He got up and turned around to go upstairs, when he came face to face with an obviously upset Dawn. By the look on her face, Xander could tell she had overheard some of what they had been talking about.
"You're going to go back, aren't you?" Dawn asked before Xander had a chance to greet her.
End Part 13