The next morning at breakfast (the Lupin/Black/Taylor house)...
"Look, a response," James said when Archimedes fluttered through Sirius' kitchen window.
"Well, that's nice to hear. Can I have my couch back now?" Sirius asked from the hall bathroom, toothbrush in hand. Remus looked up from the stove.
"Good luck, Prongs," he said, between stirring something in one of the simmering pots and conjuring some milk.
James took the piece of parchment off of the owl, to whom he handed a carrot. Sitting down at the table, he unfolded the slip of parchment and resettled his glasses.
James,
I'm so sorry that argument even happened last night. I was a huge bundle of nerves and (Great Wizards, this is getting repetitive) you really should have left a note last night. Off of that, it is time we see someone about this. I've already made arrangements to see Dr. Jigger, at noon, which gives you plenty of time to get ready and come back here.
Here's to the end of stupid newlywed arguments!
Lily Potter, your loving wife
"So she gave you plenty of time to get ready and get back over there, eh?" Sirius said suddenly, a glint in his dark eyes as he read the note over James' shoulder. James jumped.
"Pervert," James muttered, folding the parchment and slipping it into his back pocket. "Well, I'm off."
"Later," Sirius said.
"Give my regards to Penny."
"I will, when she gets back," Remus replied, busy at the stove.
James' eyebrows rose. "Where is she?"
Remus turned around and grinned. "Putting up with Alastor Moody."
"Geez, has it been that long?"
"I'm afraid so, Old Bean," Sirius interjected. "Now, get moving before you start another argument with Lil."
"Fine, I can see where I'm not wanted."
"Go home, James," Sirius said, pointing to the door. Remus shook his head, chuckling.
"No," James responded, catching on to the game.
"Go, James. Now."
"Uh-uh."
"Now, James Harold Potter!"
James feigned an angry look. "I don't have to take this. I'm going home!" he announced, marching out of the door and apparating from their front yard. Remus turned to Sirius.
"Is that always necessary?"
"It's tradition, Moony! Now go home!" Sirius said, pointing upstairs. Remus sighed.
* * * * * * * * * *
"There you are!" Lily exclaimed, in a state of half-undress, fastening her earrings. James stood still while she whizzed by him.
"Huh?"
"The appointment with Dr. Jigger! It's in 2 hours!"
"So? We have time!" He caught her around the waist and kissed her.
"James," she said, when they had come up for air, "Don't get me wrong here. I love you, I love your kisses, and everything else you do, but we just don't have the time right now!" She pulled away from him, laughing, and threw him a pair of robes that were lying on the bed.
"Here, get washed and put these on. I'll meet you downstairs."
"But--"
"James," she said, closing her eyes. "Just do it."
"Anything for you, dear," he said with a smile.
An hour later, when Lily looked divine and was satisfied enough with James' appearance, they apparated into Hogsmeade, gaining many odd stares from Hogwarts students and the locals.
"Lily, people are staring at us."
"So? You've never let that stop you before."
"Point taken. Where is she?"
Lily scanned the main street. "You know what? I have absolutely no idea," she said, blushing.
"Well, maybe we had better ask." He approached an aged fellow, some 70 years old or so, sitting under a cafe umbrella.
"Uh, excuse me sir," he said. The old man looked up.
"Eh?"
"We're looking for the office of Dr. Renee Jigger. I don't suppose you know where we can find her?" The man broke into a toothless grin.
"Right upstairs, son," he said in a thick cockney accent. "Done me an' me wife lots o' good a few years back. What'sa matter? Trouble with th' ole' maypole?" James blushed scarlet.
"Uh..." Lily, seeing his obvious discomfort walked over to them.
'Thank you very much, sir. We really appreciate it." She took James' arm, and headed up the stairs behind the old man.
"No problem! She'll fix yer problem right in a jiffy!" he called after them. Lily burst out laughing at the top of the staircase.
"Trouble with the 'ole' maypole'? Well, now that I think about it..."
"Lil!" She flashed him a grin.
"I'm busting your chops, James. Your 'maypole' is just fine." James opened his mouth to protest, when another voice sounded, different from either of theirs.
"Enter," the misty voice said. James and Lily looked at the wide oaken doors in front of them.
"I suppose I should go in first," James said, reaching for the door handle.
"No!" Lily exclaimed, taking his hand. "We'll go in together." They faced the door like 2 people heading for certain demise, until James suddenly grabbed and turned the handle, opening the doors.
The overpowering smell of frankincense wafted out of the door and down the narrow hallway and staircase. Lily coughed. James, still holding her hand, led her into the room. The lamps were victorian styled, and had red and orange scarves draped over them. An unused disco ball hung from the ceiling, and clashed with the stylish beige leather furniture and Persian rug. The a fire in the fireplace was going, simmering something that gave off an acrid smell, only blocked partially by the enormous recliner in front of it where someone was sitting.
"My God," James whispered to Lily, "it's like Breakfast at Tiffany's meets Saturday Night Fever."
"It's like living with Sybill Trelawney all over again," she replied, still glancing at the furnishings. A wasp of a woman stood up from her station at the fireplace and walked over to meet them.
"Hello," she began, in a misty voice tinged with a slight Brooklyn accent. "I'm Dr. Renee Jigger." Dr. Jigger's short and obviously dyed burgundy hair was stiff with hairspray, giving it the appearance (and texture) of a helmet, only one with a bright chartreuse shawl hanging down from the back, whose silver sparkles caught the light and added to the disco-y décor. Her robes were electric blue, matching her shoes and the rhinestones on her horn-rimmed glasses. James even caught sight of a couple gold teeth. Lily, attempting to suppress her laughter but failing miserably, went into a violent coughing fit.
"I say," Dr. Jigger said quietly. "Is she... right? If you know what I mean?" Lily stopped coughing and glared at her.
"I assure you, my mental functions are okay," she said icily. Jigger raised her heavily penciled-in eyebrows.
"If you say so, dearie." The misty accent fell apart and the Brooklyn part of it took over. "So," she continued, "what can I do for you? Trouble with the old maypole?" James blushed again.
"No," Lily said. "We've been having... problems with one another since we got married a few months ago."
"I can see why," Dr. Jigger said, under her breath. "Have a seat."
Lily flushed red as she took a seat on the leather couch. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing," Jigger replied hastily, her misty voice coming back. "Now, tell me about these problems."
"Well, we keep arguing about the dumbest things," James said as he joined Lily on the couch, his voice having returned to him.
"Mmm-hmmm..." Dr. Jigger said, conjuring a notepad and a quill and scratching a few notes.
"And we don't know why. I mean. We dated all through school, and it was perfect, but now it's just like..."
"Trouble in paradise," Lily said, finishing his sentence. Dr. Jigger was still scribbling on the notepad.
"Go on," she said, not raising her eyes. James opened his mouth to speak, but Lily shushed him.
"I don't think she's paying attention," she whispered quietly. "Let's see."
"So," James continued, in a serious voice, "I think our marital problems stem from the fact that I have a tap-dancing ferret in my pants." Lily snorted.
"Yes, that seems to be it. Please continue." Jigger was still writing something on her pad, so Lily apparated behind her to get a good look at it.
Things to do: the set of notes was titled.
v Hair appointment at the Fashionable Witch. Make note to change color from Sultry Scarlet to Dazzling Dandelion
v Dervish and Banges, after quick appointment with the Potters.
Underneath was a half-finished picture of a new car.
Hmmph, Lily thought, listening to James spout things about devastating astrological charts and the way she folded his underwear. Let's have a little fun.
"That," she added, and the fact that I'm secretly in love with James' father, and I'm currently carrying his child." Dr. Jigger's head snapped up.
"You're what?!" she asked in shock.
"Oh, nothing, nothing," Lily said sweetly, in an imitation of her. Dr. Jigger continued to look at her, horrified.
"So what do you think?" James said, coming behind Lily and resting his hands on her shoulders.
"Uh..." Jigger began, turning around, "well, there's a lot of... tension... in this marriage, it seems. I think that you two need to step into each other's shoes."
Lily's mouth dropped open. "James, isn't that what I said? The other night?"
James wrinkled his brow. "You know what? I think it is." He turned to the flustered Dr. Jigger. "And how do you suppose we do this?"
"I--uh... well, there are many ways to go about this... wait, I have an idea!" She scampered off into another room on her glittery high heels, and returned a moment later with a huge jug of some sort of thick glutinous liquid that hardly sloshed against the sides.
"What is that stuff?" James asked, holding his nose against the smell.
"Dr. Jigger's patented Switching Formula! Turns you into someone else for an extended period of time, and contains essential vitamins and minerals!" Lily gave her a strange look.
"That's Polyjuice Potion, invented back in 1090 AD." Dr. Jigger glared at her.
"It's new and improved," she said defensively. "Look, do you want help or not?" Lily opened her mouth to speak, but James beat her to it.
"Yes, we do."
"Well, then, do what I say. Take this potion for a week, and see what it's like."
"And you're sure this will work?" James said, eyeing the polyjuice potion with skepticism. Dr. Jigger shrugged.
"Can't do any harm, can it?" She looked at her watch. "Oh, look at the time! I have a lot of appointments to cater to!" Lily cleared her throat.
"Yes, well, we'll leave you to those. What do we owe you?" Dr. Jigger conjured a calculator and punched in a few keys.
"20 Galleons, including my potion."
James choked. "What?!"
Jigger smiled, showing her gold teeth. "Well, good help doesn't come cheap."
* * * * * * * * * *
The kitchen table was exquisitely set that night, and Lily had laid out their best china and silverware. James came down the stairs in his new dress robes and gave Lily a peck on the cheek.
"So, here goes." He picked the jug that had been given to them by Dr. Jigger and tipped its contents into his wineglass. The murky brown substance bubbled and frothed as he proceeded to fill Lily's glass, too.
"Now for the last part," he said, plucking a hair from his head, and motioning for Lily to do the same. He handed her his hair, and vice versa, finally leading to James holding her long copper strand above his glass.
"To peace," Lily said, dropping James' hair into the glass, causing the potion to turn a nasty acid green. She downed it in one gulp. James looked apprehensively at his, which had turned a funny shade of orange. Raising the glass, he downed it, also, and immediately doubled up in pain. When he next looked up, James came face to face with... himself?
"My oh me, what a handsome devil I am," he said, then stopped. It wasn't his voice that he heard; it was Lily's. And then he realized that his robes, which had been a bit too small around the waist when he had gotten them had all of a sudden gotten much bigger, and that his feet were dwarfed by the shoes he had on. Lily (in James' form) was trying to tug off her shoes due to her sudden increase in mass.
"If you say so," she said, exasperated, managing to pull off a dainty high heel and throw it away from her. She stood up, and peeked over her husband's head.
"Hey, I can get used to this," she said, and James smiled.
"I think we can now prove that Dr. Jigger is a definite fraud. This is pointless. And what the hell did she put in that stuff?"
"Well..." Lily began, picking up the jug and looking on the back. "Maybe not a total fraud. Let's see. Dr. Renee Jigger's World Famous Switching Formula, as heard on the radio... Boomslang Skin... the usual. Wait a minute."
"What?" James' wrinkled his brow, and ran a smooth, feminine hand over it.
"Who on earth puts a bezoar in Polyjuice Potion?" Lily asked, goggling at the jug. "Professor Ether said that it causes some pretty strange effects..."
"Oh, dear," James said. "I have a feeling this is going to last awhile."
"The directions say to take one gobletfull a week. Oh dear."
An evil smile was growing on James' face. "Think of all the fun we can have with everybody."
Lily clapped a hand over her mouth. "Damn!"
"What is it?"
"Penelope invited me and Sirius' girlfriend over for a 'girl's night out' tomorrow night."
James unwrinkled his brow and removed his hand. "That reminds me… Remus, Sirius, and I were going to go out, too." Lily frowned, and James realized just how weird it felt to be in another person's body.
"Well, I don't want to back out of it... maybe you could go in my place," Lily said, hopefully.
"Wouldn't that be a bit awkward?" James asked.
Lily looked at him, raising her eyebrows. "I shouldn't think so. You look like me. You sound like me."
"But I don't act like you. I don't want to sit around and watch chick-flicks all night while talking about... about PMS or something."
"And I don't want to hang around a bunch of drunk guys all night, checking out girls."
James cracked a smile. "Awww, why not? The Three Broomsticks is fun!""
"Oh well," Lily said, continuing, "it's an 'exercise'. We'll be 'walking in each other's shoes'."
"I had no idea Jigger meant it literally."
"James!" Lily exclaimed, smiling. "Besides, you'll score brownie points with the girls. Lucy (AN: this is Sirius' girlfriend) won't think you're such a pig."
James' eyes opened wide. "I'm not a pig!"
Lily grinned. "If you say so, Wilbur. Oh, James…" James was pouting at the other side of the table. Lily stretched and yawned.
"Anyway," she began once more, "it's late, and I'm tired. Night, Porky." James glared at her as she walked by.
"You're sleeping on the couch," he said.