Day 1 of treatment:
"Do I really have to go?" James pleaded, as he searched around Lily's closet for a pair of jeans and a blouse.
"Yes. If I have to hang around Sirius, then you have to go with Pen and Lucy." Lily was busily trying to fix James' hair in the mirror. She had tucked his shirt in, put a belt around his waist, and was now attempting to comb his hair straight. James poked his head out of the closet and giggled.
"Oh, give it up, Lil. You look like a blooming idiot."
"What?"
"Untuck your shirt and take the belt off. And don't touch the hair."
"Men," she muttered, putting the comb down.
"Bugger!" James exclaimed, attempting to slide the jeans over his hips. They were a bit too tight, though, and he ended up hopping on one foot and holding his breath.
"Lil," he gasped out, "aren't these a bit small?" Lily glared at him as she pulled on one of James sweaters.
"You just don't know what you're doing, that's all." James had finally managed to button the fly, and looked at himself in the mirror.
"Sexy," he said, admiring the view. "If I weren't a woman, I'd--"
"James!"
"Kidding, dear. Where are they?"
Lily looked out the window. "I don't know if they're apparating or what. Oh well. We'll take Floo powder if worse comes to worse."
"Oh, okay. Ripping." He reached for her purse, and walked towards to the door leading outside to the staircase.
"Oh, and James," Lily called to him.
"Yes, Lil?"
"Don't forget to bring some tampons. I'm expecting any time now." James stopped in his tracks.
"Tam-- what?'
"Tampons, James Potter. The ones in the white box with the daisies under the sink."
James felt queasy all of a sudden. "Oh... expecting what?"
"The only thing you use them for, James!" James shook his head and resignedly walked down the stairs to the hallway bathroom. A cacophony of noises issued from the fireplace, and out tumbled Penelope and Lucy, laughing and brushing dust off their robes.
"Are you ready?" Penny asked him.
"I... uh... have to get something from the bathroom."
"Ahhhh," Lucy said, knowingly. James ran to the bathroom, grabbed a couple of the paper-wrapped feminine products, and stuffed them into Lily's purse.
"C'mon," Lucy said, grabbing James' wrist and dragging him back through the fireplace. Penny looked at Lily.
"Bit excitable today, isn't she?" she asked, nodding back towards the disappearing Lucy. James gave one last plea, and disappeared into the fireplace. Lily decided to play along.
"I think she almost said hello to me."
Penny frowned a little. "Well, that's Lucy Graham for you. Bye now!" She stepped through the fireplace herself and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Looking around the room, Lily shook her head.
"Women," she said, and she apparated away.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Ohhhh!" Penny said, when she had arrived back at the house. "What do we have?" Lucy grinned, and produced a couple of movies out of a plastic bag from the nearest rental store.
"Let's see..." she began. "Casablanca, My Fair Lady, and Breakfast at Tiffany's!"
"Ripping!" Penny exclaimed, as she took a seat on the couch. "Lemme conjure up some snacks!" James sat at the foot of the couch and groaned.
How can women have so much fun watching these movies? He thought. Penny, tall and strawberry blonde, was conjuring some popcorn and sweets, while the petite Lucy was pushing back her shoulder-length brown-black hair and fiddling with the VCR.
"Ugh," Lucy was saying. "I have cramps." Penny looked at her sympathetically. James groaned inwardly.
"You know, I never really had a problem with those," Penny said, taking a handful of popcorn. "I always got headaches."
"Those are the worst," Lucy agreed, sitting back onto the couch.
"As a matter of fact..." Penny said, getting up and throwing a handful glittering white powder onto the fire. A whirling noise ensued, and Remus stood in the hearth.
"Yes, Penny?" he asked, mildly.
"Do we have any aspirin in the house?" Remus thought for a few seconds.
"No, actually. Do you want me to pick some up?"
Penny smiled at him. "If you could."
"Sure, luv." He kissed her on the cheek and stepped back into the fireplace, disappearing. Lucy put her hand to her heart.
"That's so sweet, isn't it Lil?" she gushed.
James was shaken out of his reverie. "Huh? Oh, yes. Very sweet."
"You're not very talkative tonight." This was beginning to get scary now.
"Oh, well, I don't feel all that great."
"Poor Girl," Penny said. "If we had any aspirin, I'd give you some."
"Stock up on echinacea," Lucy said. "Stuff works like a charm. Literally." Penny laughed.
"Well, do you need cough syrup or anything? Are you sick?" Penny asked. Lucy was studying Lily's face. Or what she thought to be Lily's face, at least.
"I think you look a bit depressed, actually. St. John's Wort helps. What did James do this time?" A warning signal flashed in James' head.
"James? He--uh, well..." Screw this, James thought. I'm having some fun. "He's never home, and when he is, it's like we're strangers. All he wants to do is hang out with his buddies, and I've taken second wheel." Lucy's mouth hung open in shock, but Penny had a skeptical look on her face.
"That's horrid!" Lucy exclaimed. "We need to have Girl's Days Out more often. Now enough about men. Let's watch some real charmers." She switched on the movie, and, with a wave of her wand, the lights dimmed. Penny leaned over to James.
"Are you SURE you don't want some cough syrup?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Lily found herself sitting in the dim light of the Three Broomsticks with Sirius and Remus looking around the room, surveying the crowd. Sirius appeared to be searching for something important (or, as the case was, someone).
"How about her?" Sirius asked, discreetly pointing at a shapely brunette. Remus shook his head.
"I like mine blonde."
Sirius grinned. "Suit yourself, Moony. How about you, James?"
"Huh?" Lily looked up from the (limited) menu, and followed to the place where Sirius was pointing. "What about her?"
"Prongs, darling," Sirius began in a falsetto imitation of Lily, "your heart belongs to one and only!" Lily inwardly sighed.
How can men just sit here and do this stuff? She asked herself, as Sirius stood up and accosted the object of his attention.
"So, Prongs," Remus began, after flagging down Rosmerta and ordering another mulled mead (Lily noticed that Rosmerta obligingly bent down and highlighted her low-cut attire while taking his order), "how is the counseling going?" Lily almost spit out her butterbeer.
"Oh, yes! That! Fine, just fine." Remus, being a bit tipsy, didn't quite notice Lily's startled answer.
"Oh, good. I hope it all works out." He clutched his stomach. "Krikey, I think I've had too much mead." At that moment, Sirius returned, with a bright red slap mark on his face and an even brighter smile.
"What did you tell her, Sirius?" Lily asked. He winked.
"Nothing much. Only that her dress was nice." The brunette was glaring at Sirius from behind his back, and pointing him out to her friends. Sirius chuckled. "But that it would be nicer on my bedroom floor. I think she liked me."
"Uh, Padfoot," Remus said, noticing the growing noise and crowd, "I don't think this is a good time to brag."
"Hmmm?" Sirius asked, oblivious. Lily turned to Remus.
"I'm outta here. Meet you back at your house?"
"Righto," Remus said, and they apparated away, leaving Sirius to his own devices.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Here's lookin' at you, kid."
Penny and Lucy were in tears, and James was doing his best to make sense of the plot. Just then, a bright flash of light brightened the room, and in tumbled Remus and Lily.
"Geez," Penny said through her tears, "you're all back early. Where's Sirius?' Lily looked at Remus, who looked concerned for Penny's tears.
"Eh... Sirius has gotten himself into a bit of a spat," Remus said, covering up for him. He gave Penny a hug, and joined her down on the floor.
Lucy's eyes widened. "Oh, I hope he's okay!"
"Well, aside from being slapped around a little, he should be fine," Lily said. Lucy gave her a dirty look. Lily, in order to avoid a conflict and looked at the screen.
"Oh, Casablanca!" Penelope was looking suspiciously at Remus now.
"Do you have my aspirin?" Remus flushed, embarrassed.
"Er... what aspirin?"
"Er, James, hon, I think we should be heading back." James discreetly motioned to Lucy, whose eyes were narrowed at Lily, and Remus, who was anxiously awaiting Sirius' tumble from the fireplace.
"Yeah, that MAY be a good idea, DEAR." Lily took James' hand and they both apparated out of Sirius' house, before the storm broke. They landed on the living room couch, laughing with excitement. Lily immediately ran into their room from the couch and collapsed on their bed. James followed her, bewildered, and upon opening the door joined Lily.
"Men!" Lily exclaimed, staring up at the ceiling. James looked at her bemusedly, in her current state of masculinity.
"What did we do now?"
Lily chuckled. "Remus got himself tipsy and forgot Penny's aspirin, and Sirius nearly caused a riot by hitting on some poor brunette."
"It sounds like a normal day to me," James said. Lily shifted over to her side, and raised her eyebrows.
"How do you do it?" James laid down next to her, and put his arms around her waist. Lily drew him closer. It was such an obvious turnaround of the normal events that Lily burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" James asked, confused.
"This," Lily said. "You're supposed to be holding me, not the other way around."
"You ARE me," James responded, yawning. "I guess it comes from knowing them since I was 11. You can pick up all of Sirius' odd little traits and Remus' depressions after that long. You had it easy today." Lily drew him closer.
"Oh? Do tell."
"Well, first Pen and Lucy wanted to make me over."
Lily laughed. "I do have nice features. Why didn't you let them do it?"
James shuddered. "Because the thought of wearing all that... stuff on my face is a bit intimidating. The eyelash curly things look like torture devices." Lily laughed again.
"Is that it? Go on. There's more."
"And then they watched Casablanca."
"There's nothing wrong with that. I love Casablanca!"
"I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. That, and Lucy bawling didn't help the plot any."
Lily made a face. "She nearly spit acid at me today when Remus and I apparated in."
"I wouldn't be surprised if she could," James muttered. Lily nuzzled her head into James hair.
"You smell good."
"I should hope so. With all of the perfumed soap and the weird shampoos you use," James said. Lily kissed the back of his neck.
"They're not weird. Gee, You're Hair Smells Terrific (AN: yes, this really was a shampoo sold back in the day. I don't know if it really smelled terrific, because I was born in '83, and if my mom used it on me, I don't remember) is a perfectly normal shampoo."
James yawned again. "If you say so, Lil. I'll be glad when this week is over." He rolled over, and closed his eyes. Lily put her hand on his waist, and kissed him again, making him open his eyes. He blinked.
"Wide awake still?" Lily grinned at him, and winked. James nodded knowingly. "I know that look. I give it all the time." He turned his face upward, and kissed Lily softly on the lips. Lily frowned.
"Damn it," she said, squinting. James opened his eyes, and pulled away from her.
"What?" he asked, affronted.
"The lights are still on!"
James sighed. "So turn them off, Lil."
"Where's my wand?"
James sighed. "Lily, just sit up and turn the damn things off!"
Lily sat up, then promptly laid back down again, sighing. "That just completely killed the mood, you know that?"
"Yeah." James shook his head. "This is weird."
"Eh. Oh well. 'Night, James." Lily was out like a light (no pun intended). James stared up at the ceiling fan with its light still shining.
"Lily?" Her snores were a good indication of her current state. James sighed again, and got up to turn the lights off.