Trouble in Paradise
Verbum
Author's Note: Once again, I own nothing except the plot, Dr. Jigger, and Remus and Sirius' respective women folk. And, again, if I refer to James, I mean James, except that he looks like Lily because of that whole polyjuice fiasco. A person who is talking to James REALLY is talking to James, but that person thinks they're talking to Lily. I hope that makes sense, but it prpobably doesn't. Oh well. Enjoy!
Hogsmeade, Day 2 of treatment
The old man was back outside, under the cafe umbrella, and he grinned a near toothless smile at Lily and James as they walked past.
"So," he said, halting their procession upstairs, "ever'thing goin' fine now? I tol' ya she'd fix yer problem in a jiffy!" He winked slyly at James, who blushed. Lily's eyes widened, and she began to make her way upstairs when the old man spoke again. "In fact, here's my wife! Honey, tell 'ese bairns about what Dr. Jigger did fer us."
An old woman that was even more toothless and wizened than her husband hobbled over to James and Lily and smiled. "After seein' Dr. Jigger, we're 5 night a weekers!" James coughed, and Lily redoubled her efforts to get up the stairs.
"Uh, thank you very much," she called, as she grabbed James' hand and they climbed the steps to her office. The great wooden double doors stood lik sentries, and, once again, the couple was transfixed.
"God damn it, what have I told you about dragging that thing along my carpets?! Get out! OUT!" Dr. Jigger's shrill New York accent reverberated through the empty hallway, and, a moment later, a disgruntled repairman slumped out, reached into his pocket, and lit a cigarette. He turned to James and Lily, who were still staring at the door in shock.
"She's a feisty one, she is. I think it's that new hair color o' hers. Bly me if I ever touch that magic carpet o' hers again." And he Apparated away. James shrugged and walked into the room, followed closely by Lily.
There was no sign of her.
"Lil..." James began, "I think there's a problem here."
"No problem at all," Lily responded, cheerfully. "If she's not here, I don't have to put up with her, and you save yourself a good 20 Galleons."
James thought for a moment or two. "Well, when you put it like that..."
"Hello, hello! It's so nice to see you both again!" Dr. Jigger's misty, accentless voice floated up from the fireplace, and she popped into the room in a cloud of dust and soot, which caught Lily in the face. James snickered girlishly.
"Uh, yeah," James began, "we're here for our follow-up appointment?"
Dr. Jigger clapped her soot-covered hands together. "Of course! Won't you sit down?" She motioned to the now black chairs and carpet, and Lily wrinkled her nose.
"I'll pass," she said, shortly. Jigger opened her mouth to say something, but snapped it shut, as if changing her mind. She half-smiled and turned to Lily.
"Laura and John Poterski, right? You were the couple with the... uh (she conjured a file and leafed through it)... impotence problem, yes?"
Lily chuckled, and James half choked. "Not quite," he said, after he regained his normal speaking functions. "LILY and JAMES POTTER. We were the newlyweds whom you gave your, uh, 'Patented Switching Potion' to."
"Ah, yes, yes. It all comes back clearly to me now." She put her hands together, and gave Lily what was supposed to be a mystifying look.
"I'm sure it does," Lily remarked to James. Dr. Jigger opened her mouth, flustered, then promptly shut it again, her lips forming into one thin, hot pink line. Lips that matched her newly cut and dyed hair, or what showed of it under the soot. Lily snorted and turned her head, away from th garish site of the filthy psychiatrist.
"Ahem," Dr. Jigger continued, "before we were interrupted... have you all begun your treatment?"
James looked at Lily, who had recovered herself but was still smiling smugly. Very slightly she shook her head "no" and winked.
"Er, no," James responded. "I guess we haven't quite found the time yet."
"Ahh, then this can also be a learning experience,' Jigger said. "Observe yourselves under stress, and see how you handle situations. I remember a case like yours, when I was a young counselor fresh off the field... very nice couple, practically right off the altar, and they just couldn't understand one another. In fact," she said, placing the file thoughtfully on the black couch and running a hand through her vivid hair, "I believe I gave them the same treatment."
"What happened to them?" Lily asked.
"They divorced the next year and the wife got a ton of alimony and ran off with the Seeker from the Calcutta Chimeras... but that's beside the point."
James looked faintly sick, and Lily attempted to stifle another laugh. Dr. Jigger herself chuckled, a sound made hollow by the dust and soot covered room. The dust and soot covered Jigger finally seemed to notice the state of herself and her office, and she gasped.
"Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry. I never could get Floo Powder right. Pardon me ...eh... have some coffee." She waved her wand, and a coffeepot and three cups appeared, as she Apparated away, leaving the room in shambles. James was still green faced, but reached out to the floating cups and poured himself some coffee.
"What the hell," he whispered furiously, "have we gotten ourselves into?"
"Oh, calm down, James," Lily said nonchalantly. "It's just your time of the month."
'That's not funny."
Lily shrugged. 'Don't worry about it. So she's screwed up. I'll bet she does it a lot."
"I don't care what she does, as long as it doesn't endanger this marriage!" Lily watched as her green eyes widened and her face began to blotch with red. She walked over to James and out a comforting hand on his shoulder, and he leaned on her. It was comforting, obviously a gesture he had picked up on from her. "Lil, I don't want a divorce."
"Shh, I don't either. We'll be laughing about this when we're 70 and celebrating our 50th anniversary with our kids."
"Hmmm..." The room was silent except for a softly playing radio in one of the other rooms, and the sound of someone yelling in Gobbledygook upstairs.
"Where is she?" James asked after a few minutes, when the shouting Goblin had calmed down and switched on a TV at full blast.
"I dunno. Let's get going." Lily walked over to the door, and held it open for James. "Ladies first."
-----------------------------
The grocery shopping was the easy part, it turned out, as James walked through the aisles of the local supermarket tightly clutching Lily's shopping list. Well, easy except for reading the list itself, which Lily had hurriedly scribbled on her way out the door to meet Sirius.
Bread was self explanatory, as was milk. And the dozen eggs. He just had to wonder at the beer, though. Lily never drunk beer, no matter how many times Sirius had tried to tempt her. And he wasn't too thrilled about the economy sized package of feminine products that attracted the attention of everyone in the aisle, who felt instantly compelled to stare it him as he walked by. James had a headache, he felt bloated, and he most certainly didn't want to be in the middle of a grocery store with a badly written list shopping list and enough tampons to last through a nuclear holocaust. Luckily, there were only a few more items to buy.
Pasta for Sirius and Lucy dinner party
James groaned. Hopefully, he'd be back to being James again and he'd be able to escape with Sirius out to the shed and hide from the womenfolk.
Whipped cream was in dairy, which he had already gone into to get the milk. Why couldn't she have listed these things according to food group? He thought irately.
Confetti was just odd. He had no idea why she wanted that. Maybe for the dinner party.
And, finally, was the old stand-by: batteries. Hopefully, they hadn't been sitting on the shelf for 5 years.
The wait in the line wasn't too bad, though his assortment of items was gaining him quite a few embarrased stares and chuckles. The teenaged boy behind the register's eyes bugged out when he saw the cart, and his furious blush made the blooming pimples on his cheeks stand out. He glanced at James through his taped-up eyeglasses.
"Tampons... bread, milk, whipped cream, beer, batteries..."
"Are those batteries new? I need to use them tonight," James asked, reaching into Lily's purse. The cashier giggled, and nervously twisted his nametag, which bore the name Shredder.
"Wild party?" he asked, bagging the groceries up. "That'll be $30.58. Paper or plastic?"
"Only by myself," James answered absentmindedly. "Double bagged plastic." The cashier turned even redder and giggled some more as he handed him his groceries and gave him a wide grin, accentuated by shiny metal braces.
"Have fun!" Shredder called out to him as the double automatic doors slid closed.
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Penelope was found nervously stirring a cup of coffee under one of cafe umbrellas in the 'Mall', which was actually less of a 'mall' than it was a random collection of shops and restaurants in the center of Ravenclaw Dell. James walked up to her and smiled, dropping his purse on the table and sitting down.
"Hey," he asked. "How are you?"
"Oh, fine," Penelope muttered to her coffee. "Wonderful, in fact. I daresay this is the worst day I've had in a while."
James frowned, and looked around for a waiter. "What's up?"
"Remus and I had an argument, that Lizzy Bristol woman is wreaking havoc at work, and I have a migraine to beat all migraines."
"Oh." The waiter, sensing that James needed him, ran off in the other direction to chat with a line of waiters and waitresses who were milling around the hostess' stand gossiping about the customers. He looked over at Penelope, who was a bit red in the face, and whose hands were shaking. "Jesus, was it that bad?"
"I suppose." Short and to the point. James vaguely remembered Lily saying something about Penelope when she was in a bad mood. Like "reluctance to speak" or something like that.
"About what?"
Penelope fixed her bright blue stare on him, and he could see that she had been crying earlier. "About his stupid werewolf thing. He's so fixated on it, that he can't concentrate on anything else. And he lets it rule his thoughts and life. I mean--" her voice was rising, and she noticed this, and quieted down somewhat. "I mean, last night was the night after the full moon, and that was all he kept fixating on. We were being-- oh, dear."
"Being what?" James prodded. Lily probably knows all about this, he thought.
"Well..." Penelope began. "It's not very polite to talk about."
"No, do go on."
"Well, we were being, you know, intimate."
James blushed. "Ah. Right. Go on."
"Well, the night of the full moon, he accidentally bit me. Of course, it can't do anything to me because of my blood (AN: see "Angel in the Snow"), but all he kept focusing on was the night before. Of course I'm okay. But he was so scared to do anything."
James laughed, gaining a strange look from Penelope. "Remus scared? In b-- er, that type situation?"
Penny was eyeing him dangerously. "It's possible. What's with you?"
"Remus has done that? I never thought. Huh." He grinned.
"It was the, er, first time." Penny grinned back nervously.
"Oh dear," James began. "I don't know whether to be happy or to scold you."
"Lily!"
James checked his watch. "Oh, geez. I think we had better get going. The waiters are getting antsy for their tip."
"Right." Penelope stood up, smoothed out her skirt, and collected her belongings together. James grinned at her, and lightly touched her arm.
"Tell me one thing, though."
"What?"
"Was it any good?" Penelope laughed.
------------------------------
"Remus, the wrench."
"Huh?" Sirius looked at him strangely as Lily walked around Sirius' garage aimlessly. Sirius had dismissed her after asking for the same tool six times and having Lily not knowing what she was doing. Instead, he had recruited Remus, who seemed strangely distracted and nervous.
"Remus, what's with you today? You're a wreck."
Remus snapped his head up, and looked at Sirius, startled. "I am not. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Hmmph." Sirius turned to Lily, who was busy staring at a stack of biker magazines with scantily clad witches on them, who kept winking at her. "James, could you get me a beer?"
"Yeah, and me too," Remus called out. Sirius gave Remus an odd look.
"Remus, you don't drink."
"Well, there's a first time for everything."
Lily looked into the refrigerator and wrinkled her nose. There were 6 packs of beer inside, with the occasional pack of Twinkies and stray cans of Coke. No wonder Penelope refused to set foot down here, what with the girlie magazines and the food. She gingerly picked up a 6 pack, and tossed a can to Remus, who opened it and immediately took a big swig of beer.
"Damn, Remus," Sirius remarked, laying down his tools and taking a can from Lily. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you got laid or something."
"Sirius!" Lily exclaimed.
Remus spit out his mouthful of beer. "Say-- say what?"
A slow smile was spreading on Sirius' face. "I think I don't know any better. There's something old Remus isn't telling us."
"I... uh..." Remus hung his head. Sirius let out a whoop of excitement.
"Jamsie, you owe me 20 Galleons!"
Lily was taken aback. "I do?"
Remus, however, seemed shocked, as he lifted his head and stared at Sirius, shocked. "You all were betting on my sex life?"
"Well, yeah." Sirius shrugged. Lily supressed a grin. James had never told her this. Remus took another long draft of beer, and settled back, smiling. Lily decided to have some fun.
"So how was it?" she asked.
"I-- don't really have much to compare to," Remus admitted, frankly.
"Well, did you enjoy yourself?"
"Who wouldn't?"
"Good point," Sirius said. "I remember my first time with Lucy. Like a minx, I tell you."
"Sirius!"
"She was! I swear... that hair, those eyes..."
"Yeah, I'm sure that was it," Remus said sarcastically.
"The rest is just an added bonus.." Sirius turned to James. "So how is Lily?"
Lily's eyes widened, and she blushed. "She's... fine."
"You know what I mean, Jamsie."
"No, I don't." Actually, she thought, I do, but Sirius doesn't have to know that. Sirius slapped his forehead.
"Is everyone weirded out today? Remus gets some and the world stops."
"Hey now!" Remus exclaimed.
Lily shook her head. Men.
------------------------------
The woman at he bridal shop ("Mademoiselle Wendy's Wholesale Wedding Wear") looked like a cross between Olivia Newton-John and Michael Jackson, and was wearing a set of wedding robes is an electric hot pink, studded with rhinestones. She was chewing gum noisily when Penelope and James walked in, and she smiled falsley, her gum smacking along in an unstopped rhythm.
"Can I help ya, dearies?"
"Yeah," Penny began, absentmindedly. "I need to order some robes for a wedding."
"Are you the bride or an attendant, honey?"
"The bride."
"Right-o. Lemme grab my wand and I'll be right back." The clerk walked into a stockroom that had been hidden by a series of illusion charms that made it appear to hold some very expensive looking antique dresses.
James turned to Penny. "Are you sure this is the right store to be looking in? Madame Malkin is a lot more reliable."
"I hear from Lucy that this has a wider selection."
"Oh." James looked around. In the far corner was a teenage witch trying on a spandex looking set of robes with a lacy cape and bright blue sleeves. A very obese woman was looking at casualwear, and, just coming from a dressing room, was Lucy Graham herself. She smiled, flipping back her shoulder-length, dark hair and walked over to them.
"Hey guys! I didn't expect to see you here!" James groaned inwardly, and Penelope smiled.
"I thought you were at work! What brings you to this end of town?"
"Oh, I work over near here, not more than 10 miles away." She held up a pink and purple flowered monstrosity with puffed sleeves and a long, crepe-y skirt. "I was just picking up a dress for your wedding, as a matter of fact. Do you like it?"
Penelope turned to James, whose eyes were bugging out at the bright;y colored piece of cloth. "Oh, yes. Very much so. Lily?"
"I'm sure... It will look lovely."
Lucy grinned, showing even white teeth. "Thanks! Well, I have to get going. Just call me when you want another night with the girls and we'll set something up! I have to be getting back to work." She walked over to the register, and pulled out her wallet.
James turned to Penny. "Lucy has a job?"
"Yeah, but she won't tell any of us what it is. You know, she could be so pretty if only she tried to look a little more... what's the word..."
"Conservative?'' James offered.
"Yeah, that's it. I mean, look at her. She's gorgeous."
If I wasn't currently a woman and married... James thought. Oh my God, I never thought I'd ever say that. He glanced momentarily at Lucille Graham, who was taking out her Gringott's Credit Card and handing it to another woman behind the counter, who was trying to read her name.
"Lucille Hiatole Jaymita Graham? What kind of name is Hiatole Jaymita?"
"Hee-at-o-lee Ja-meet-a," Lucy said, calmly. "it's Indian."
"Oh," the woman said, as she processed her credit card. Lucy stood very petite, smaller than both Lily and especially Penelope, but she stood out more than both of them, Her hair was a very shiny black-brown, and her skin was a dusky tan color. But the most startling part was her glittering golden-hazel eyes. Although she was built well, she had a knack for dressing... oddly. At the moment, she stood in front of the saleswoman wearing shiny black boots, a black miniskirt, a bright blue plaid cummerbund and matching bow tie, and a tuxedo shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Very... Original.
"Er, I don't think this is quite my style," Penny was saying to the Olivia Newton-John saleswoman, who had come out of the stockroom when James wasn't paying attention. "Maybe... I'll check in at a later date."
"Suit yourself, dearie," she said, slightly peevishly. Penny shot James a glance, and beckoned him over.
"Madame Malkin's in 15 minutes," she said, is a harsh whisper.
"You got it," James whispered back, and he apparated away.
------------------------------
"You know something?" Lily said, taking a sip of her 3rd beer.
"No, but I know someone," Remus answered back, laughing at his own joke. Lily burst out laughing at it, too, and they sat there for a few minutes while the humor wore off.
"What?" Sirius asked sleepily from his seat on his bike.
"Men--" Lily held up the can "--are pigs!"
"Hear, hear!" Remus and Sirius shouted, also raising up their cans and pronouncing a toast to James' infinite wisdom.
"Which makes me glad that I'm not one!" Lily shouted, laughing along with the other.
Sirius blinked. "You're not a man, James?"
"Nope! For all you all (hic) know, I could be a woman in a man's body! (hic)"
"That's just... scary," Remus remarked. "I'm moving (hic) away now."
"James, I thunk you've have a dittle loo much to think," Sirius said, and plucked the drink out of Lily's hand. The room was silent for a while, except for the sound of the occasional hiccup and the hum of the heater.
"Let's play Quidditch," Lily suggested.
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"32, 26, 34," Madame Malkin said to herself as she took the magical measuring tapes off of Penelope and began fitting them to James. "A bit on the thin side, I see. And lets see what you say." She peered through her spectacles at the measuring tape around James' bust and squinted. "Does that say 34 or 36, dearie?"
"34 I think," James said, slightly uncomfortable at being prodded by Madame Malkin. The old lady nodded, and snapped up the tape.
"Any colors you have in mind? White, ivory, cream? I daresay cream would do you best."
"Cream is fine," Penelope said, as Madame Malkin popped into the back room and as she looked around the interior of Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, fine robe retailers since 1555. "Go pick out a set of robes you like, Lil. We'll make 'em the bridesmaid's robes."
"Who are your bridesmaids?"
Penelope frowned. "Well, there's you and Lucy."
"Lucy?!" James nearly yelled. Madame Malkin poked her head out of the backroom.
"Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes," James called. "Lovely!"
"Lily, you haven't been acting like yourself lately."
"Well, it's that time again."
"Ah." Penelope nodded. "Oh, look, there are the robes now!"
"Actually, no," Madame Malkin explained, as she dumped the stacks of material onto a nearby stool, holding onto one, a bolt of luminous cream colored satin which she held up to Penny. James hurried towards the stack of ready made robes, and closed his eyes, blindly picking out the first thing his hands met. I'm a man, we don't go dress shopping, he thought. It was a robe of steely grey fabric that felt like tweed, which he put back. He decided for another shot. Plunging his hand into the rack, he pulled out something that felt silky and cool. He pulled it out, and in his hands was an apple green silk set of robes.
"Huh."
"What?" Penelope called out to him, as she tried to keep still for Madame Malkin, who was magically altering the luminous cream satin around her.
"I found something."
"Good for you. Let's out with it." James stepped out from behind the rack, and held out the green robes. Penny grinned, and frowned. "They're really pretty, but I'm afraid not."
"Why not?" Madame Malkin muttered through a mouthful of pins.
"Well, what do you think? Hold them up, Lil."
James held the robes against his body, an Madame Malkin squinted at him.
"Well, I don't see why not. Green. Green looks wonderful on redheads. What does your other bridesmaid look like?"
"She's Indian."
"She is?" James asked.
"Of course, lil," Penny responded. "How else would she have gotten the name Hiatole Jaymita?"
"The same way Snape's sister got the Name Arianrhod Marisa. I dunno."
Penny grinned at him. "Go find your dress."
"You're right," Madame Malkin said. "Apple green just wouldn't work. But try them on anyway." James shrugged.
No harm in trying.
They fit like a dream, and he came out and modeled them to the other women, who whistled catcalls.
"James will certainly get a kick out of those," Penelope laughed. "Take a look at yourself."
"Wait, you said that your other bridesmaid was Indian?" Madame Malkin asked.
"Yes..." James said.
"Let me try something. I once knew an Indian woman, and she looked lovely like this." Madame Malkin waved her wand around, and the robes turned from an apple green to a bright, shimmery gold.
"Perfect!" Penelope gasped. "Get them! Get them now!"
"Are you sure...?" James asked slowly.
"Yes!" Penelope stepped back, and surveyed herself and James in the mirrored wall. "It's lovely. Really."
"Wow, Pen." Madame Malkin wasn't quite finished, but what she had done alrdy was breathtaking. The satin had been arranged to drape across her shoulders, and to fall gracefully to the floor, with a series of buttons running down her back, and a few alterations that made the dress fitted around Penelope's curves. Maybe this shopping thing wasn't too boring, after all.
"Isn't it great? Remind me never to shop with Lucy."
------------------------------
"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, but I have to take you in."
"What?" Lily yelled, her mind numb with the 4 beers she had ended up drinking, the blaring of the muggle officer's voice, and the fall from her broomstick. Sirius walked up beside her, and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Officer, i swear that we were just having fun."
"Oh, yeah," the cop began. "Just drinking all night and coming out onto private property with broomsticks for God knows what. Is that what you call fun?"
"Well, yeah," Remus said, from behind them.
"Right. Why did I have to get the crackpot shift tonight?" The Officer said to himself as he shook his head at the three and motioned to the squad car. "In, the lot of you."
"But officer!" Lily protested.
"IN," he repeated forcefully, holding the door open. "I always get the drunk nuts."
"I'm not drunk," Remus said.
"Well I am, but I'm not nuts!" Sirius exclaimed indignantly. "I'd appreciate it if you would differentiate..."
"Yeah, Sal?" The officer was saying, taking out the police radio. "We've apprehended a group of drunks right outside of Godric's Hollow... what do you want me to do? Take them in? Well, I don't think... yeah, Sal. If you say so. 10-4."
"... and I'm an upstanding member of this community, I tell you," Sirius continued. "I'm always providing fun around the neighborhood."
"Sirius..." Remus warned.
Lily leaned her head against the bac of the squad car's seats and closed her eyes. It's been a hard day's night.