Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Rurouni Kenshin characters.
Tenshi's notes: This is my first one-shot RK fic so be gentle. *grins* Anyway, to warn you, it is slightly sad, and I got this idea just the other night after watching the end of the Kyoto Arc.
Warning: May contain slight spoilers for the Kyoto Arc but I don't believe it's anything too revealing.
Hope you enjoy! Ja!
And italics denote thoughts.
Terms:
Busu – VERY rude way to call someone an ugly woman
Jou-chan – Sanosuke's way of addressing Kaoru, and roughly translates to "little missy"
Kuso – shit, or damn
Demo – however, but
Masaka – impossible
Onegai – please
Minna - everyone
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Goodbyes
It had been every bit as heart-wrenching as she had believed it would be. It had been difficult for the guys to let her go, but this was something she needed to do. She could not continue this any longer, especially not since last night. Memories washed through her, mingling with the faint scent of sakuras as she raised her face to the sun, wishing desperately that things could've been different.
"You're taking the coward's way out, Jou-chan. You know you're supposed to be with him," Sanosuke had yelled angrily at her determined look.
She had the worry underlying the anger, and her expression softened slightly.
"Iie. I wish it were so. Kenshin has been so withdrawn since he got back from his battle in Kyoto."
"Kuso!! The man nearly died fighting, but it was thoughts of YOU that kept him going!"
Startled momentarily, she had gazed into dark brown eyes, and she had seen the truth in them.
"We're back to where we were again. I know he feels something for me, and I for him. When he got back, I was so relieved, so happy to have him alive next to me again. Demo since that day, it's as if a part of him died battling Shisio. I lost him somewhere along the way, and…"
"And what Jou-chan?"
She had taken her life in her hands for one moment last night, trying to tell Kenshin as subtly as she could how she felt about him. She remembered the burn on her cheeks at the look he had given her afterwards. It had been one of unbearable sadness. She remembered standing there frozen, the chill of the night not even reaching her soul. She had wanted to numb that pain that gnawed at her. And that night, she knew. She could not continue living at the dojo like this, not with Kenshin around her all the time, and not with memories of what they might've had floating in her head. She would not be able to concentrate on her teaching with the feelings she still had for him. Suddenly, she had come to a realisation. She would take a page out of Kenshin's book, and follow his example. That night, she had decided to become a rurouni herself.
"He confirmed everything I thought. He believes himself to be unworthy of me, and in the gentlest way possible, he let me know that we would never be."
"Masaka… he wouldn't do that. Everything he's done is for you! To protect you!"
She had shaken her head, not wanting to be swayed by Sanosuke's arguments.
"He wished for a different life. He told me that he wanted to be born with a clean slate, with none of his burdens and worries. In other words, he meant his past as the Battousai, and me."
"That's not…"
"Iie! I… onegai. Let me do this. I need this. You have no idea how much it kills me to be near him but not with him. Each time it happens, I die a little inside. I can't take it anymore… onegai."
She had raised her teary dark blue eyes at him, and Sanosuke had stared at her. Yahiko had stood behind him, a unreadable emotion on his young face.
"You're leaving," he had stated flatly.
"Hai."
"Have you told Kenshin yet?" Yahiko had demanded.
"Iie."
"Were you even planning on it?" Sanosuke had asked in a startling moment of understanding.
"He would only try to do something noble, like leave himself. He's too important to the people of Tokyo, and he matters too much to everyone here."
"So are you, Jou-chan."
She had laughed at the thought, and the tears in her eyes had threatened to spill over. She had blinked them back, refusing to let them fall.
"Not like he is," she had said softly. "I hope I can count on you two to take care of the dojo while I'm gone. I'm not sure how long I will be…" Her voice had trailed off, her eyes taking on a faraway look. "Demo I promise you this. When I return, I will be me again. Wait for me."
Sanosuke had cursed soundly, knowing full well there was nothing he could say to dissuade her once her mind was set, while Yahiko had glared at her.
"Kuso, busu."
She had moved forward and hugged the young boy tightly. "I've seen what you're capable of, and I know you'll be a wonderful swordsman one day, protecting everyone you love. Just like… Kenshin."
"He'll only come after you, Jou-chan."
She paused, stepping away from Yahiko. "I need this, Sanosuke. Or I'll never be able to live with myself. Tell him not to. Onegai. Minna, I will be back one day."
With those words, she had left the dojo with a heavy heart. She knew if she allowed herself to stay a moment longer, Kenshin would be back from the market. The sobs wracked her body as she began walking out of Tokyo. I wish I could've said goodbye, Kenshin.
Loud shouts drew her attention, snapping her out of her thoughts. Screams of a young child echoed in the forest, and with her bokken in hand, she didn't even hesitate to dash in to help.
********************
Hajime Saitou pulled out his cigarette, resting wearily against a tree. For all that he was a hard-nosed bastard, he wasn't immune to some of the crimes he'd had to investigate. Each time he had to tell a family that their loved one wasn't coming back, something in him shriveled even further. Death. It was all around him, though it was nothing compared to what he had seen this afternoon. Just thinking about those eyes, wide-open and filled with regret made him grit his teeth in frustration. Kuso. He didn't know what to do, or how to even begin what he had to say to them.
"Saitou-san…"
His body tensed immediately as his head flew up to meet a familiar dark blue gaze. The cigarette fell from his hand and he stared at her blankly. Masaka. What was she doing here? She gave him an impish smile, and moved closer to him.
"Bet you didn't think you'd see me here, ne?" She took a deep breath, looking as if she were inhaling the essence of life. No wonder Kenshin had fallen in love with her. "There's something about sakuras that I can't resist. The smell is so beautiful, like a haunting, lingering memory. One that remains even after you're gone."
He only stared at her in astonishment, at the words that had fallen from her mouth.
"I thought your place was with Kenshin," he finally said gruffly.
She only gave him a sad smile, her dark blue eyes bottomless pools of regret and love.
"Iie. I know that we weren't meant to be in this life, demo… I just wish I could've said goodbye to him." She blinked suddenly, and all traces of pain vanished. "I knew Sanosuke was wrong. I knew you'd make it alive. Your wounds, they're okay?"
They still bothered him at times, but they were merely more scars to add to his collection. He grunted in response and she only gave him a strange look, one he couldn't discern.
"I have to go now. When you go back to Tokyo, tell them I miss them so much."
Bowing slightly, she gave him a bright smile before moving away. He fell back against the tree, sending cherry blossoms cascading towards the ground. What he had seen… and what he needed to do… he was momentarily grateful that his heart had hardened a long time ago. Even as he said that, he stared wistfully at the spot where she was last seen, wishing that things could've been different.
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That night, howls of anguish sounded, reverberating across the eerie silence that had descended upon Tokyo. That night, one man would never be the same.
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With heavy steps, he traced the path she had taken, following her despite her words to stay away. He had done this to her. He had forced her to do something that she hadn't wanted to. Her gentle heart had taken one too many beatings from him. He had only wanted to protect her. As he lived and breathed, he swore that was all he ever wanted to do. His light. His hope. She was everything to him. And she never knew.
He kept pushing her away, not wanting to taint her with his past. She had clung on stubbornly until that night. There had been something different in her eyes, as if something within her had died at his words. He had caused that spark to dim in her, and now…
He paused in front of the tree, the scent of sakuras strong in the air, reminding him so much of her. He missed her so much. While fighting Shisio, it was thoughts of her that had revived his fighting spirit. He remembered his promise to her, and his own silent one. I will always protect you. She had saved him so long ago, and this was how he had repaid her kindness. Despite what she knew about his being the Hitokiri, she had never cared about that. She had only wanted the man, Himura Kenshin, though she knew that Battousai still existed within him. It was for that reason that he wanted to keep her away. What if one of his enemies came looking for him again? Or did something to her as revenge? Or even worse, what if it was her blood on HIS hands?
Memories of every moment spent with her washed through him. Her sweet smiles that made his heart skip a beat, her fiery nature that made him laugh when the anger wasn't directed at him, her compassionate nature that always made him want to be a better man. He remembered when he first left for Kyoto, he had come to say goodbye to her. He remembered the anguish in his soul, and how it tore at him to hear her cries behind him as he turned around to leave. He did not look back, for if he had, he would have wanted to stay with her for eternity.
"You didn't even say goodbye, Kaoru-dono."
"I wanted to…"
Her soft voice made him spin around, and she was there, standing beneath the tree. Her eyes were bright with tears, staring at him with unspoken longing. He knew his own gaze was the same as he took a step towards her.
"Why didn't you?" he asked.
She gave him a sad smile. "Because… then I wouldn't have been able to leave."
His heart was going to explode, the grief flooding it so badly he nearly bent over from the pain.
"I now know we weren't meant to be in this life," she continued softly. "Tomoe was your true love, ne? She must've been beautiful."
The words struggled to come out, but he found himself unable to speak. The tears only welled up in his eyes as he fought to deny what she said. Not as beautiful as you were…
"Kaoru-dono, you…"
"It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. I only wanted to say goodbye to you, Kenshin."
"Kaoru, listen to me!!" He wanted to tell her. He had to tell her the truth in his heart.
She raised her hand tentatively towards him before it fell back down. Watery blue eyes held his own, as the tears spilled, echoing the depths of grief he never believed possible.
"Perhaps in our next lives. Sayoonara, Kenshin."
Peace came over her face momentarily, right before she disappeared. The cherry blossoms tumbled forth, stirred by the slight wind. The fragrance lingered, and just like her, it would forever haunt his soul.
"Sayoonara, Kaoru. Aishiteru…"
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Tenshi's blurb: My idea is based on Chinese beliefs that if you die with your eyes wide open, you passed on with unresolved issues in your life. Until you take care of it, your ghost (or spirit) will never be able to move on to the next life.