She Bangs

She Bangs

Originally sung and performed by Ricky Martin.
Much improved by lilvalkrie

Quiet night in the graveyard. Buffy going slow, on patrol, with Willow tagging along. Then there's some hot Latin music and Xander struts onto the scene wearing tight RED leather pants and a loose black silk shirt. He has on a pair of shades and a cocky grin.

He starts to shake his bon bons to the music, and Willow get's a stunned look on her face. She opens her mouth and squeaks, "Xander?" Buffy recovers faster and grins evilly.

Xander:

Talk to me
Tell me your name
You blow me off like it's all the same
You lit a fuse and now I'm ticking away
Like a bomb
Yeah, Baby

Fireworks go off.

Spike bursts onto the scene dressed in BLACK leather pants, mesh shirt. He has a vampire posse with him. He licks his lips while the posse surround the hip-shaking Xander.

Xander and Spike:

Talk to me
Tell me your type

Xander is in the posse's grip and Spike pulls off Xander's shades

Together,
Xander:

Buffeeeeee!! You're gonna save me , right?

Spike:

I wanna know what's the flavour tonight

Spike grabs Xander by the neck and makes to bite him when Buffy's dainty foot connects with his mouth and he spins away from Xander; the vampire beside Spike gets "dusted".

Xander and Spike:

You're slaying vamps and now you're hittin' my heart
Like a drum
Yeah, Baby

Spike runs off and Buffy snatches a sharp piece of wood and waves it at the other vampires and says "Go on make my day!"

Xander:

Well if Lady Luck stays on my side
We're gonna keep this town alive
I'll help her round vamps up

He sticks a foot out and trips a vampire

& She'll knock them out
She walks like she talks,
And she talks like she walks
And she bangs, she bangs
Oh baby
When she moves, she moves

Buffy chops a vampire in the neck and fells another with a roundhouse kick. She reaches out for the next vampire then lets go when she realises that it's Xander.

Xander takes off his shirt and twirls it over his head, before sending it flying into the face of the last vampire, and Buffy stabs it with a funny look on her face.

I go crazy
'Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee
Like every Slayer in history
She bangs, she bangs
Monsters wasted in one fluid move
No one ever looked so fine
Just remember: that woman only got one thing on her mind

Then Xander spots Cordelia coming in with Giles in a black trench coat lugging a big black bag. She stalks up to him, twists one ear, then kisses him soundly, and sticks out a tongue in Buffy's direction, before she shakes her ass dancing in a circle around Xander.

Xander:

Talk to me
Tell me your game
We're just members of your Scooby gang
We take down monsters as a team
What a dream
Yeah, Baby

Enter Spike and posse.

Spike:

Don't talk to me
I'll tell you the news
You beat me once, now you're gonna lose!
We'll feed on your friends until they're dry
& Then you're next
Yeah, Baby

Cordelia moves to the side while the gang spring to Buffy's aid, and Giles pulls a crossbow out of his big bag and throws it to Buffy.

Cordelia:

Well if it looks like love should be a crime
You'd better lock me up for life
I'll do the time with a smile on my face
Thinking of Xander leather so red!

& if Lady Luck stays on our side
We're gonna keep this town alive
We'll help her round vamps up

She punches a vampire on the nose and shoves him at Buffy

& She'll knock them out
She walks like she talks,
And she talks like she walks
And she bangs, she bangs

Buffy shoots two vampires with her crossbow.

Xander:

Oh baby
When she moves, she moves

Buffy does a back flip so that her feet connect with another vampire and she lands on her feet then discovers that there are no more vampires, cos Spike got away

Xander:

I go crazy
'Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee
Like every Slayer in history
She bangs, she bangs

He rips away the red leather pants and lo behold! He's wearing a pair of cherry red Speedo's, and he shakes his behind for Cordelia as he waggles his eyebrows.

Willow collapses with a stricken look on her face, while Buffy giggles and helps Will' to her feet. They leave. The graveyard is silent once more, except for some rustling bushes.

*****

Then there's some soft music. Giles, with a furtive look on his face, whips a disco ball out of the bag and hangs it on the nearest crypt door then sets it spinning. The music gets louder, as Giles fishes a cassette player out of his trench coat and takes off the coat and struts to the centre in a white disco suit, singing:

Whether your're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're staying alive
You're staying alive

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Staying alive, staying alive,

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Staying alive, staying alive,
Staying ALiiii-iiiiii-iiiiii-iiiiiive!

Then the disco ball shatters and Giles goes "Oh bugger! Not again!"

Parodiers note:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters by Jos Whedon,
Music: Ricky Martin – She Bangs
Bee Gees – Staying Alive