Angels Have Feelings Too

Angels Have Feelings Too

Usual disclaimers apply, thoughts are in italics

I woke up before he did.

I suppose I should be grateful for this, I won't have to explain why I'm leaving, where I'm going. Not until later, at least.

I'll have a lot to explain later. Will he understand it all?

He's so fragile. Even more so than the other humans. I wonder, is it because of his innocent soul, or perhaps the painful past?

Heh. How ironic. I, with all my power and knowledge, don't even understand the one I love.

Love. How is it that I can have these feelings? What is it about him that attracts me so? Why is it that what I really want, deep inside, is to flee this world, this mission, just to be with him. Forever, if we can.

But that is impossible.

I slide off the bed and quickly, silently get dressed. I turn to look back at him, before I walk out the door, and smile. He looks even more innocent when he's asleep.

I walk to stand beside him, smiling slightly. He chose to sleep on the floor... So very innocent.

Kneeling I kiss him lightly, smoothing his hair as he stirs in his sleep. "Shh. It's ok. Go back to sleep."

He does, listening to my command without question. I leave the room anyway.

I'm being selfish, I know, setting things up this way. But... I can't stand the thought of being the one left behind. I would live forever, missing him. Perhaps, though, this way he may come back to me one day.

If we're allowed to be together. Will he ever be truly innocent again after today? Will I find him one day waiting for me, smiling and blushing like always?

Will he still care?

This wasn't supposed to happen. I was sent here for a purpose, to fulfill a mission. I am planning to fail that mission, all because of that boy. I don't want to succeed. He's already won, without even knowing he was fighting.

Could it be, though, that I didn't really fail? That I was destined to meet him, and him to kill me. For us to meet later, in eternity? Hope, as the Lilims say, springs eternal.

I have arrived. It is time. I can steal only a few more moments before I must follow my path, or risk losing everything.

I close my eyes and smile, imagining meeting him again. He would blush and stammer, of course. Like he always does. But I'd know what he was really feeling.

Will I regret it, even if I never see him again? Regret causing him this selfish pain?... Love is selfish. One doesn't want to live without the object of that love. But I would not regret it, even if I never see him again. Even if he comes to love another. Because, for a time at least, he blushed and stammered and smiled only for me. He waited for me.

But would he kill me?

I try to send a thought to him, sleeping far across town. Angels have feelings too, Shinji-kun.

Even before Magi began the alarm, before Nerv could call him in, a boy woke up, cold with dread. He sat up, blindly groping for something. For someone. "Kaoru-kun?"

He wasn't there.

Shinji stared at the bed, disbelieving. "Kaoru-kun... Where did you go?"

The phone began to ring.

Throughout Nerv the alarms sounded.

The final Angel had arrived.