Pairings: Buffy/Riley; Buffy/Angel
Distribution: If you want it, take it. Just let me know about it.
Disclaimer: So, I checked at the company, to see if maybe... but no, Buffy and the gang still belong to Joss and Co.
Feedback: Generally a good.
Author's Notes: Set after 'Out of My Mind', Buffy's train of thought.
Riley knows that I don't love him. Or, I guess, he knows that I'm not in love with him. Of course he knows, a guy'll notice that you never tell him you love him, only that you need him. And I do need him, I need his sweetness, his gentleness, his tender whispers of love. God, I wish I could love him, but how can I?
How can I love soft, clean sunshine when I first learned what love was in the depth of night? I loved Angel so much that it tore me apart and a part of me still loves him. A part of me will always love him. You never forget your first. First Love, First Lover, First Broken Heart. I found out what love was in his rare smiles, in his feverent words of devotion and forever.
My Angel, the vampire, my love, the man I killed to save the world. Afterall, I had to, right? After what Xander did, I really didn't have a choice at all. He lied to me, and even though now I can understand why he... When I first realized what he had done, what he must have done, I was so angry and so hurt, but I know that he didn't do it to hurt me or because he was jealous of Angel. Well, mostly not. He did it because he's Xander and I'm Buffy and he couldn't trust me to keep my head where Angel was concerned. And he was right. If I had known that there was even the slightest possibility that Angel would come back... So, I never brought it up, not even when Angel returned and Xander lost it over a simple kiss. Not even when he...
Xander likes Riley, they get along, they may even become true friends. Why? Why Riley? Why be friends with Riley, when he could never let up on Angel? Because Riley's human or because Xander doesn't love me anymore?
I have fun with Riley. When we were throwing that football around at the beach, I could almost forget the Slayer part of me. When he chased me into the ocean, I could almost be an average, normal girl.
Why did I always want to be normal so badly, anyway? To get rid of this responsibility toward humanity? To be the ditz and the shallow girl I was before I became that Slayer? I didn't like that girl, I never liked that girl. She wasn't real, not in the same way I am now. Why did I want to be her again? Because her biggest worry was a zit on a date night or whether or not she had the perfect indigo earrings to match her dress?
Being a Slayer wasn't the only thing that changed me, of course. Falling for Angel changed me more than I can believe. It's hard to believe that I thought of him as annoying the first time we met. No, it's not. He was. God, when did my feelings start for him anyway? When I felt that pull of sympathy when he pretty much told me he had no friends?
I can still remember the soft silk of his crimson sheets, so very cliché but also so beautiful. He made me tremble and burn in his arms. But he was so cold, like ice wouldn't melt on him. His touch could almost make me forget how cold he was, could almost make me believe that was as human as me. Almost.
Riley was so afraid that I had gone back to Angel, he thought that I would... he should have had more faith in me. He should have trusted me. He should have known.
Distribution: If you want it, take it. Just let me know about it.
Disclaimer: So, I checked at the company, to see if maybe... but no, Buffy and the gang still belong to Joss and Co.
Feedback: Generally a good.
Author's Notes: Set after 'Out of My Mind', Buffy's train of thought.
Riley knows that I don't love him. Or, I guess, he knows that I'm not in love with him. Of course he knows, a guy'll notice that you never tell him you love him, only that you need him. And I do need him, I need his sweetness, his gentleness, his tender whispers of love. God, I wish I could love him, but how can I?
How can I love soft, clean sunshine when I first learned what love was in the depth of night? I loved Angel so much that it tore me apart and a part of me still loves him. A part of me will always love him. You never forget your first. First Love, First Lover, First Broken Heart. I found out what love was in his rare smiles, in his feverent words of devotion and forever.
My Angel, the vampire, my love, the man I killed to save the world. Afterall, I had to, right? After what Xander did, I really didn't have a choice at all. He lied to me, and even though now I can understand why he... When I first realized what he had done, what he must have done, I was so angry and so hurt, but I know that he didn't do it to hurt me or because he was jealous of Angel. Well, mostly not. He did it because he's Xander and I'm Buffy and he couldn't trust me to keep my head where Angel was concerned. And he was right. If I had known that there was even the slightest possibility that Angel would come back... So, I never brought it up, not even when Angel returned and Xander lost it over a simple kiss. Not even when he...
Xander likes Riley, they get along, they may even become true friends. Why? Why Riley? Why be friends with Riley, when he could never let up on Angel? Because Riley's human or because Xander doesn't love me anymore?
I have fun with Riley. When we were throwing that football around at the beach, I could almost forget the Slayer part of me. When he chased me into the ocean, I could almost be an average, normal girl.
Why did I always want to be normal so badly, anyway? To get rid of this responsibility toward humanity? To be the ditz and the shallow girl I was before I became that Slayer? I didn't like that girl, I never liked that girl. She wasn't real, not in the same way I am now. Why did I want to be her again? Because her biggest worry was a zit on a date night or whether or not she had the perfect indigo earrings to match her dress?
Being a Slayer wasn't the only thing that changed me, of course. Falling for Angel changed me more than I can believe. It's hard to believe that I thought of him as annoying the first time we met. No, it's not. He was. God, when did my feelings start for him anyway? When I felt that pull of sympathy when he pretty much told me he had no friends?
I can still remember the soft silk of his crimson sheets, so very cliché but also so beautiful. He made me tremble and burn in his arms. But he was so cold, like ice wouldn't melt on him. His touch could almost make me forget how cold he was, could almost make me believe that was as human as me. Almost.
Riley was so afraid that I had gone back to Angel, he thought that I would... he should have had more faith in me. He should have trusted me. He should have known.