A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y

Dictated to Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi by all of the Sailors tired of
the huge plot holes in an otherwise enthralling story.

( Muahaha! None shall escape the fury of the semi-blunt quill of the bard
of the senshi! Not DiC, nor original, nor manga, nor fanfics--even my own!
Unfortunately, this 'fic was written way, way before Cloverway dubbed the S &
SS season-- alas, so much parody fodder lost. Of course, poking fun at the
later dubs might have been just a *tad* too easy. And yes, this means that this
fanfic is ancient, one of my first ones ever. I can write better now, really. *cough*
Just smile and nod.)

~*~

It was a normal day in Tokyo--WAS it Tokyo? It appeared to be so, yet
with names such as 'Crossroads Junior High' and 'The Cherry Hill Temple'
no one could be absolutely sure-- which was to say that in any other city
it would be considered a most extra-ordinary day. Of course, in this city
which might or might not be Tokyo --it depends upon who is telling the
story and exactly what point of the story has been reached, you see-- it
is not an uncommon occurrence to have your Heart Crystal, Star Seed,
Dream Mirror or whatever the current trend dictates is the name for your
soul/energy stolen or to be turned into a block of ice or hideous creature
as you walk down the street. Anyway, as I was saying, anyone who was
used to living in this particular city would have called it an ordinary day.

In the copious grounds of a temple --whether it was an ancient
Hikawa Shinto temple or a vague 'Cherry Hill' temple no one could quite
agree upon... it was accepted that the building WAS a temple of some sort
though--a group of five teenage girls, two cats, and strangely enough, a
handsome young man are gathered. There is nothing really strange about
the young man, except for his drop-dead good looks which often make him
the target of the current villainess of the season of course. What WAS
strange was the fact that while this young man was very good friends
with the young girls, in fact he was usually saving the life of one or the
other of them, he was rarely invited to any of these types of meetings.
Strange, ne?

[[ "OUCH!" Charon gets knocked over the head with a Time Staff.
"This is supposed to be about the ENGLISH version, Charon! Don't go
spouting Japanese in the middle!" the woman with long green hair
admonishes.
"Okay, okay... Geez, you're not even supposed to be in here, Pluto!"]]

I MEANT... Strange, right? Well, actually he never WAS informed about the
true identities of the other Sailor Scouts besides Sailor Moon... although
he must have figured it out sometime in-between his lapses of memory or
he wouldn't even be here now. Stranger and stranger...or as the saying goes
in this city 'Commoner and commoner'.

Since there hadn't been an attack on the city for DAYS several of the
people gathered at this temple are planning on moving away to other
countries. Obviously the threat to Tok--err..the city had passed and while
various evil entities had been attacking this specific part of Earth for
some years, everyone was quite sure that after the Sailor Scouts latest
triumph evil villains from around the universe would grow brains and
stop attacking Earth. Or at least they would stop attacking this particular
city on Earth.

Ahhh...the warm, fuzzy feeling of (misplaced) eternal optimism.

Well, not everyone was so optimistic...

"Why don't you simply give me my own communicator?" the dark haired
young man whines. He had obviously been spending too much time with
his pig-tailed girlfriend.

"If I had a communicator you could contact me along with the Scouts
when an evil monster attacks. That way I wouldn't have to wait until I
sense that Sailor Moon is in danger and I could actually arrive in time to
HELP in a fight!" Darien continues as his voice changes four times during
his speech. [[ And you thought that he was old enough for his voice to have
broken already! Poor Darien with his voice actor curse...]]

Darien, along with half of the people at this gathering, had no known last
name.(Well, at least in THIS version he didn't.) While this might help keep
their identities secret from the bad guys, it was really murder when
taking a standardized test.

"But Darien," speaks up the girl who appears to be wearing a long red and
white robe "that would absolutely RUIN your grand entrances! If you were
in the middle of the fight the entire time then how could you make a
dashing entrance just as we are about to be overcome? How could you
appear in the nick of time to throw those adamantium covered roses and
save us with an inspiring speech?"

The four other girls gathered in front of the temple add their agreement.

"Yeah, it's definitely worth getting beat up a little just to see you make
your entrance!" says Mina, who was one of those who didn't have a last
name. "And...uhhh, Darien? Would you mind coming down off the porch
railing? I'm getting a crick in my neck looking up at you."

Darien, who had been balanced on top of the temple's porch railing the
entire time, [[ Did I forget to mention that fact? Ah well, for Darien,
balancing far above the ground on various objects isn't unusual at all. ]]
sighs and elegantly leaps down to land next to Serena. Apparently he had
gotten a bit TOO used to giving speeches from aerial advantage points.

"It's still not fair. The Scouts get communicators and other cool gadgets...
not to mention super-natural powers... while I get to fight with
a bunch of roses and a cane. Plus, everyone KNOWS I am the unofficial
Scout of the Earth! Why can't we make it official and give me some REAL
powers?" Darien sits down on the porch steps and promptly Serena
climbs into his lap.

Amy Anderson, lucky to be the daughter of a doctor AND to have a last
name, briefly looks up from her Advanced Metaphysical Morphology Book.
She can only look up BRIEFLY since she is only thirty-five chapters ahead
of her class.

"You know that for some-strange-and-otherwise-unknown-reason there
are NO male Sailor Scouts. Anyway, I don't think you would look too good
in a mini-skirt and high heeled boots, Darien" Amy winks at the dark
haired young man."But if you REALLY want a power, you can have my
'Mercury Bubbles Blast' attack. It's completely useless to me..." the blue
haired girl offers.

In any other city having blue hair would have made Amy stand out, but
apparently blue, green, purple, polka-dotted orange, and pink zebra striped
hair colors were common in this city.

Unnaturally large --or perhaps should I say NATURALLY large-- sweat
drops break out on the heads of the people gathered around.

"Uhhh...Amy, I wouldn't exactly call 'Mercury Bubbles Blast' an ATTACK per
se...." begins Lita, the tallest female in the group.

Amy looks up from her textbook again and glares at Lita. The tall brunette,
fearing the awesome power of Amy's brain, quickly hurries on.

"Ummm...but it IS useful...ummm, yeah...when we want to retreat we can
use it to cover our tracks! Yeah... Although it DOES make us stumble into
each other in all that mist..."

"Anywayz," speaks up the petite blonde with perhaps the strangest
hairdo in the entire city. Not everyone could sport a hairstyle that
consisted of two round hairballs atop pig-tails and look GOOD while
doing it. "I LIKE your roses!"

The star of the adventure (Hey,it's called 'Sailor MOON' after all!
Although,I would prefer 'The Adventures of Sailor Charon' myself....)
[[The green haired Sailor approaches menacingly... "Okay, okay! Back to the
story...and YES there IS a plot somewhere. Somewhere around here...I hope
I didn't misplace it..."]] snuggles into her boyfriend's chest, reaches into
his trademark dark green jacket, and pulls out a red rose. She smiles
down at it until it begins to rapidly change colors...from red to black to
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to
white to red to black to white to red to black to white to red to black to
white to red to black to white to red to...

[[The narrator keels over hypnotized]]

"ACK!" Serena gapes at the rose. "Darien stop that! You're Tuxedo
Mask, remember? TUXEDO MASK! The red rose...the RED rose!"

Darien's eyes cloud over as various bits of random memory from the
past, present, and future float through his mind.

Suddenly he leaps to his feet, sending a squealing Serena sprawling.

"I am PRINCE DARIEN!" the dark haired young man announces as the vision
of an awesome black and blue suit of armor briefly flashes on him.

"Uhh...Darien?" Serena questions.

"Darien? What name is this? I know no Darien...."the man announces
grandly.

"What do you MEAN you don't know the name 'Darien'? You just CALLED
yourself Prince DARIEN." Serena protests.

"Hmm... oh yeah, how could I have forgotten that?"

Serena hits herself on the head in exasperation..and nearly gives herself
a concussion.

"Come back to us, Muffin... As cool as you look in suit of armor--and
you've ALWAYS looked cool in a suit of armor...even in the Moon
Kingdom...come to think of it you look EXACTLY like you did in the Moon
Kingdom--we still need Tuxedo Mask... RED rose! RED rose!"

"Uhhh...yeah, Tuxedo Mask...I remember..." the one formerly known as
Prince...Darien;) shakes his head and sheepishly looks at the others. His
eyes widen as he notices the others standing around him holding various
objects in their hands -Serena holding her Cutie Moon Rod....I mean Moon
Scepter!, Lita holding a frying pan she found somewhere, Raye holding a
broom, Mina holding a volleyball, and Amy holding up her Advanced
Metaphysical Morphology Textbook- all of them looking as if they are
about to bop him over the head.

"Don't take it personally Darien...I much prefer hitting Chad over the head
with a broom...but we had to be prepared in case the rose stopped on
'black'." says Raye as she continues sweeping the grounds of the temple.

Serena gives her best friend a strange look as she crawls back into
Darien's lap. After all, the girl was sweeping the LAWN of the temple...

"And you are....?" Darien teases his girlfriend.

"NO!" the pig-tailed girl looks horrified." You didn't forget me AGAIN? I
am Usagi! No wait...that's not right...Serenity! Oops...not anymore...or not
quite yet, whatever way you look at it... Bunny?...Victoria?
Darrien...nooo....Celeste....getting closer..."

"Serena!" Darien looks worriedly at the girl in his lap.

"Oh yeah... Serena! How could I forget? It's not as if I have that many
names or anything..."

"Anywayz, as I was saying..." Serena looks suspiciously at the rose. "I like
your roses!"

Darien smiles and cuddles Serena closer.

"And Muffin...?" Serena continues.

"Hmmm?"

"It's wonderful how you manage to carry around all those roses without
getting pricked!" Serena holds the the relievingly red rose up to the light
where the wicked looking thorns gleam...errr...wickedly.

Darien frowns.

"Who said I can carry around a rose bush under my jacket without getting
scratched?" he asks while pulling down the neck of his shirt in order to
display the slashes and scrapes on his skin.

"Ooh..." Serena's eyes grow large. "I didn't notice that last night...."

Darien quickly claps a hand over his girlfriend's mouth. Sweat drops
break out all over his head as the others stare at him and Serena.

"Heh.. heh.. I heal really fast..."

Mina shakes her head, her trademark red ribbon bobbing with the motion.

"I swear one day the authorities are going to cart those two off ...either
that or Serena's father will kill Darien..."

"Oh lay off, Mina! Just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean
that everyone else has to suffer!" interrupts Lita as she straightens HER
trademark pony-tail.

"WHAT? You're the one who thinks that the paperboy likes you just
because he rides past your house every day...!" Mina angrily retorts.

"Why does this sound so familiar?" Serena whispers to Mamo---err
Darien.

"Ummm..." Darien is too busy looking around the temple grounds for child
protection officials to answer.

"Ahem..." a black cat pads into the center of the group and breaks up the
impending fight. In another setting the gold crescent moon on the cat's
forehead would have called attention to itself, but in this city such
things as the occasional cat talking or laughing were considered normal.

"Scouts," Luna the black cat announces "Oh, and you too Darien, the reason
for THIS particular meeting is to discuss everyone's plans for moving
away...."

"MOVING AWAY???!" Serena shrieks hysterically and wraps her arms
around Darien, unknowingly beginning to strangle him. "You're not going
anywhere, Darien! We're going to live here forever and ever and start a
vast empire named after this city...."

Darien uselessly tries to pull away from Serena's embrace before he
passes out.

"I'm....not...going anywhere...Serena..." he chokes out.

Serena gives a relieved sigh and loosens her death grip on her boyfriend.
Darien gives an even more relieved sigh as he draws breath into his aching lungs.

"I...seem to have developed...this fear of flying..." he wheezes out.

"You won't leave me, really? You won't get hypnotized by mirrors and
leave me behind?You won't move to another country on a scholarship? You
won't die somewhere far off without my realizing it?" Serena stares doe-
eyed up at it.

"We've been together through two life times, haven't we? I'll stay by your
side until the rivers run dry, until the world is covered in ice, until the
moon falls out of the sky, until my hair turns purple or any other highly
unlikely event takes place!" Darien declares dramatically.

"That's great, Muffin," Serena says from the place where she has just
recently tumbled. "But can you come down off the porch railing again?"

"Oops...I should probably get out of that habit." Darien admits as he
returns to the ground and pulls the poor misplaced Serena back into his
lap.

A white cat with an identical crescent moon mark to Luna's manages to
stop laughing hysterically at the Sailors' antics in order to continue
where Luna left off.

"Even though a new enemy usually appears within weeks after the old
enemy is defeated, everyone has agreed that THIS time things will be
different. Apparently Amy has decided that now is the perfect time to
take up that scholarship offer for Pre-med school in Germany, Mina wants
to move back to England so that she can begin stalking..."suddenly a
volleyball collides into Artemis, knocking him to the ground where he
lies with swirly whirlpools in his eyes.

Luna sighs and picks up where the other cat left off. "And Lita wants to
join that ice skating tour in Japan...."

"Hey, wait..." interrupts Raye as she gives up her attempt to sweep the
lawn "I thought we WERE in Japan!"

"Yeah!" Minako....eh...Mina agrees.

"If we are in Japan, then why are we speaking ENGLISH?" Amy asks
logically.

All the people pause and ponder this apparent paradox while the narrator
plays with the 'p' key.

Suddenly there is a scream. [[ "Ha ha! I TOLD you there would be a plot in
here somewhere!"]]

Everyone leaps to their feet and looks around. Everyone that is, except
for Artemis who, having recovered from being beamed with the volleyball,
only looks mildly surprised that no one else was expecting something
like this.

"That New York accent...! That sounds like Molly!" Serena says worriedly.

"AGAIN?" everyone else choruses as they fall over.

"Well, C'mon...I suppose we have to save her..." Lita says
unenthusiastically.

"Do we HAVE to? Can't we just be rid of her once and for all and let the
bad guys have her?" Raye pipes up.

Everyone stares at Raye who stares back defiantly. This staring contest
goes on for several minutes while further screams and crashing sounds
are heard in the distance. Finally, Raye blushes and mutters.

"I haven't liked Molly ever since that 'Catsy' showed up..."

"Well, they DO both have rather annoying voices...but it's not as if there is
someone behind the scenes doing the voices for both of them..." begins
Mina as eerie music plays in the background.

"We've wasted enough time! Minna! Henshin Yo!" Luna shouts, her English
accent suddenly disappearing.

"Nani?" Usagi and the others gape at Luna.

"Agh! Wrong transformation! Transform into SAILOR SCOUTS!" Artemis
interrupts as a HUGE sweat drop appears on his head.

The group begins transforming in perfect sequence, since transforming
out of proper sequence supposedly would rip a hole in the Time-Space
Continuum. Why else do you think they would ALWAYS transform in the
EXACT same order?

"Mercury Star Power!"

"Mars Star Power!"

"Jupiter Planet Power!"

"Eh? You're not an Outer Senshi...no Scout...no Senshi...whatever. Lita, it's
'Jupiter Star Power'." says Artemis.

Lita stands in front of the temple, hands on her hips, as Mina impatiently
waits for her turn to transform.

"Why? Why is it 'Star Power?' Jupiter is a PLANET not a star!" she argues.

Artemis hangs his head.

"You know that..and _I_ know that, Lita, but 'Star' is the popular term for
this season. Next season it will be 'Heart' and then it will be 'Eternal'..."

"And anyway, why can't I be an all-powerful Outer....Warrior too? I
mean, Jupiter is pretty far out in the solar system! It's next to Saturn for
moogle's{1} sake!"

Sweat drops pop out on Luna's, Artemis', Sailor Mercury's, Sailor Mar's, and
Mina's head at the mention of the 'm' word. Luckily Serena and Darien are
too busy in a darkened corner of the temple's grounds to notice.

"Lita!" Mina hisses.

"Oh all right... Jupiter Star Power!"

"Venus Star Power!"

As soon as the group of adolescent boys who had gathered to gape at the
Sailors' near naked transformation disperses, everyone marches over to
the darkened corner to drag Serena and Darien apart.

"All right, all right...break it up!" Artemis says.

"Come on...transform Darien!" Luna bats a paw at the dark haired young
man.

Darien turns towards Luna with a goofy grin on his face. Luna claps a paw
to her face when she notices the exact same goofy grin on Serena's face.

"I'd love to Luna, I'm getting really tired of this same green jacket that I
am somehow compelled to wear every day, but I can't transform until
Serena becomes Sailor Moon." Darien says.

"Oh yeah...so transform Serena!"says Luna.

"Hai!...I mean, you bet!" Serena holds her transformation broach up to the
sky. Everyone waits in anticipation..and waits and waits and waits and
waits and waits and waits and waits and waits...well, you get the picture.

"Umm...guys, I seem to have forgotten my transformation verse..." Serena
mumbles as her face tries to rival the color of a tomato.

"SERENA! You DITZ!" Sailor Mars shouts.

"Raaaaaaaye....why are you so meeeeeeeeeeaaan to meeeeee?" Serena
wails.

Sailor Venus groans and claps a hand to her head.

"I had hoped to avoid this just ONCE..." she sighs as Mars and Serena begin
a battle of the tongues.

"Pthpppppbbbbbbb"

"Pthpppppbbbbbbb"

"Moon Prism Power."

"Huh?" Both Mars and Serena turn to stare at Sailor Jupiter.

"I think Sailor Moon's transformation words are 'Moon Prism Power'"
Jupiter repeats.

Serena screws up her face in thought.

"Noooo...I think those are my old transformation words."

"Oh bloody wonderful..." Luna's English accent returns as the Scout's begin
to debate over Sailor Moon's exact current transformation verse.

"Moon Star Power!"

"No WAY! You know Sailor Moon never has the same phrase as us!"

"Crisis Make Up!"

"I don't THINK so..."

"Moon...something...something..."

"Well, OF COURSE 'Moon' would be in the verse!"

Serena turns towards her true love, hope brimming in her eyes.

"YOU know my transformation words, right Muffin?

"Ummm..." Darien, who still can not become Tuxedo Mask until Serena
transforms, looks around wildly. "Eternal Moon Make-Up?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the Sailors are thrown to the
ground by the sonic waves generated by Serena's wail. "You don't know my
own transformation words!"

"Well, Serene, YOU don't know them either!" Darien shouts out as he
tries maintain his balance on the quaking ground.

"Oh yeah...." Serena sniffles and stops crying. The minor earthquakes
slowly recede.

"I seem to remember a 'Cosmic Moon Power'" Sailor Venus ventures
hesitantly.

"Cosmic Moon Pow....?" Serena begins.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" Darien throws himself at Serena and once
again claps his hand over her mouth.

"That phrase activates the Ginzishou...the Imperium...the Empyrean...the
Silver Crystal! We don't have time for you to die and come back to life!"
Darien blurts out as he holds Serena closer.

Secretly Darien fears that the karma he has built up with all the times
he has been hypnotized will finally activate and erase Serena's memories
of him during one of her 'die & return to life somehow' spells.

"How about 'Moon Cosmic Power' then?" asks Serena.

Suddenly Serena is engulfed in a blaze of light. She begins rapidly
spinning inside a for-some-reason-even-though-she-is-Sailor-MOON
heart shaped ring of power as she begins to transform. All goes well
until the point in her transformation when her boots are supposed to
appear. Apparently trying to defy gravity AND her natural predisposition
towards klutziness, the transforming Serena thrusts her leg vertically
into the air...and she comes crashing back down, detransforming in a flurry
of pink ribbons.

"OOF!"

Everyone gasps and gazes in worry at the spot where the de-transformed
Serena lays. Everyone, that is, except Darien who once again has that
goofy look on his face.

"The only thing better then watching a transformation is watching a
de-transformation." he says to himself as he goes to help Serena to her
feet.

"I don't think that was the right transformation." Serena sniffles as her
school uniform slowly fades back into view.

"I don't think you're quite ready for THAT transformation, Serena." Luna
says with the ever present sweat drop on her head.

After a few more minutes of debate during which several nearby
buildings collapse or mutate into dark, twisted towers that no one else
notices, the phrase 'Moon Crystal Power' is agreed upon.

"Moon Crystal Power!"

As the applause dies down after Sailor Moon's and Tuxedo Mask's nearly
simultaneous transformations, everyone races off, once again completely
forgetting about 'Sailor Teleport'.

~*~

And I must stop at this point since my computer has suddenly arbitrarily decided that
the entire file is too long to save as an .html. Ugh, apparently I named my computer
well. (Daemon, for the curious.) Stay turned for the next chapter in a year or so! ;)