Faith In A Bottle
Author's Note: I was in church for a Tenebrae service and all through the sermon I was sitting there with tears streaming down my cheeks. (I'm an old fashioned Presbyterian). The readings and just the entire program inspired me to write this. Yes, it's religious. No, I don't care.
And yes, this does take place two years before RENT, so Angel is not as happy go lucky as he is in the musical. This is pre-Collins.
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"I'm gonna die God. Do you know that? Do you care?"
Angel knelt in front of the wooden cross, encarved in passionate detail with the symbols of the Christian faith. His youthful face was tilted upwards, and tears slipped from quivering amber eyes silently. Sasha had taken him for blood tests that morning. He was HIV+.
"That son of a bitch Cane raped me, and now I'm gonna die because I got that goddamn disease." Angel's voice trembled, and he swallowed once. Tears that had accumulated in his eyes obscured his vision slightly, and everything in front of him began to waver. "I've got AIDS, I'm gonna be dead soon, not like you're listening anyway."
The transvestite buried his face in his hands, shoulders shivering. All those lies in Sunday school: "God understands." "Jesus is always there." "Ask and ye shall receive." They were just stupid hoaxes that they taught the kids, nothing more. Sure, God was there when you had money, when you had a family, when you had a good life. But as soon as everything collapsed around you, he's gone in one hell of a hurry.
"Where were you when I got thrown out of my own family, huh? Or when Cane abused me? Or when Cane /raped/ me?! Where were you then, damnit? If you're so great and mighty, why the fuck weren't you there to help me?!"
Angel yelled bitterly at the cross, suddenly filled with an angry rage that knawed heavily on his soul, making everything inside of his recently shattered heart bleed with an anguished pain.
"I hate you, you know that? I hate you, because you're not a fuckin' father, you're a fuckin' tormentor! What's wrong with me? What's so terrible about me that makes me so unloved? My parents, my sister, Cane, what next, Sasha? What do you want to take from me next? Why don't you just kill me now? It's not like it'll make much difference!"
In all of his seventeen years of existance, he had never, ever dared to let any of the anger that he felt towards God show. Endless sessions of church services had always taught him that to yell at God was to go to Hell.
It didn't matter anymore.
"FUCK YOU, DAMNIT!" Angel screamed at the top of his lungs, lunging to his feet. "Fuck you, fuck Jesus, fuck the un-Holy Spirit! I don't need it, understand? I don't want this, I never wanted this?"
An idea suddenly occured to Angel as his hand suddenly plunged into his pocket, pulling out the newly acquired bottle of AZT. With the strength of a internally war torn man, he flung it at the cross, the satisfying crack as it's plastic met wood. By this time, his entire body was shaking, and every bone in his body felt hollow. It was then that Angel's knees gave way, and he crumpled to the floor. Dizzyness flooded his mind as he sobbed.
"I don't wanna die. I don't wanna have AIDS. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna have AIDS."
The chant pulsed through Angel's ears as he wrapped his arms around himself, slowly rocking back and forth.
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"I don't know what you came here today with. Whether it's a problem that you can't seem to get a grip on. Or a disease that you've been fighting with for a while and doesn't seem to be getting any better. Maybe you're just wondering how God could ever love someone as sinful and terrible as you.
"But what I do know is that Jesus carried his own cross wearing a crown of thorns; that Jesus had nails driven through his hands and feet and his side pierced; that Jesus hung there, suffered, and died for you. And that as he was being crucified, and overcome with pain, Jesus Christ had you on his mind. Not some faceless mob of humanity, but you. He knew your name. He knew what you liked, what bugged you, every little trial, every little pain, every single tear you've ever shed, and every single tear you'll ever shed in the years to come. He knew all this as he was dying on that cross.
"And it was for all those things that Jesus Christ died for you."
----------------------------------
Angel sobbed as a past sermon came to mind.
"Maybe you're just wondering how God could ever love someone as sinful and terrible as you. "
Caramel cheeks were shining from the waterfall of tears, and his amber eyes were surrounded by puffy red. A smooth lower lip was trembling profusely, as his hands dropped from his face to the ground. Questions flooded his brain, and overwhelming guilt flooded his heart.
"Where were you God? If they are telling the truth about all that love, then where were you? Why didn't you come for me when Cane was tearing at my clothes? Why didn't you protect me when he smashed my back against the cold cement? Where were you when I was left in that dark alley shaking, sobbing, and barely able to move? Why didn't you take me away from him?"
Silence.
"Why did you let me get AIDS?"
Silence.
"Why won't you answer me?"
Angel shook his head, wiping one wrist over his eyes, scrubbing away the curtain of tears. Moses had heard God. Noah had also. Why was Angel any different?
"What's so wrong with me? Why's the devil always on my back? What did I do wrong?"
The entire church was quiet. It was close to eleven o'clock at night. Almost every light had been shut off, only a few left on at the doors. The sanctuary was an open one, so doors were kept unlocked. The treasury money was stored in another locked room.
A pale sliver of moonlight slitted through the sanctuary windows, shining onto the cross, and bathing Angel in the cool glitter.
"What's left? My health's gone. My life's gone. My happiness is gone. My sanity's going. Oh God, somebody help me. Sasha's gonna abandon me, he can't take care of me forever. He deserves so much more than I have. What'll I have left then? No one loves me. No one ever will. I'm a fuckin' drag queen with nothing left but a pickle tub and HIV. It's not fair."
/It's not fair./
"God, why won't you help?"
*"Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabachtami!" Angel whispered.
Tears slipped down his face again, and he once more lifted his head to the cross.
"Why did you do this to me?"
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*="Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabachtami!" Is Hebrew for "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?" These were the words spoken by Jesus when dying on the cross.
Author's Note: I was in church for a Tenebrae service and all through the sermon I was sitting there with tears streaming down my cheeks. (I'm an old fashioned Presbyterian). The readings and just the entire program inspired me to write this. Yes, it's religious. No, I don't care.
And yes, this does take place two years before RENT, so Angel is not as happy go lucky as he is in the musical. This is pre-Collins.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm gonna die God. Do you know that? Do you care?"
Angel knelt in front of the wooden cross, encarved in passionate detail with the symbols of the Christian faith. His youthful face was tilted upwards, and tears slipped from quivering amber eyes silently. Sasha had taken him for blood tests that morning. He was HIV+.
"That son of a bitch Cane raped me, and now I'm gonna die because I got that goddamn disease." Angel's voice trembled, and he swallowed once. Tears that had accumulated in his eyes obscured his vision slightly, and everything in front of him began to waver. "I've got AIDS, I'm gonna be dead soon, not like you're listening anyway."
The transvestite buried his face in his hands, shoulders shivering. All those lies in Sunday school: "God understands." "Jesus is always there." "Ask and ye shall receive." They were just stupid hoaxes that they taught the kids, nothing more. Sure, God was there when you had money, when you had a family, when you had a good life. But as soon as everything collapsed around you, he's gone in one hell of a hurry.
"Where were you when I got thrown out of my own family, huh? Or when Cane abused me? Or when Cane /raped/ me?! Where were you then, damnit? If you're so great and mighty, why the fuck weren't you there to help me?!"
Angel yelled bitterly at the cross, suddenly filled with an angry rage that knawed heavily on his soul, making everything inside of his recently shattered heart bleed with an anguished pain.
"I hate you, you know that? I hate you, because you're not a fuckin' father, you're a fuckin' tormentor! What's wrong with me? What's so terrible about me that makes me so unloved? My parents, my sister, Cane, what next, Sasha? What do you want to take from me next? Why don't you just kill me now? It's not like it'll make much difference!"
In all of his seventeen years of existance, he had never, ever dared to let any of the anger that he felt towards God show. Endless sessions of church services had always taught him that to yell at God was to go to Hell.
It didn't matter anymore.
"FUCK YOU, DAMNIT!" Angel screamed at the top of his lungs, lunging to his feet. "Fuck you, fuck Jesus, fuck the un-Holy Spirit! I don't need it, understand? I don't want this, I never wanted this?"
An idea suddenly occured to Angel as his hand suddenly plunged into his pocket, pulling out the newly acquired bottle of AZT. With the strength of a internally war torn man, he flung it at the cross, the satisfying crack as it's plastic met wood. By this time, his entire body was shaking, and every bone in his body felt hollow. It was then that Angel's knees gave way, and he crumpled to the floor. Dizzyness flooded his mind as he sobbed.
"I don't wanna die. I don't wanna have AIDS. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna have AIDS."
The chant pulsed through Angel's ears as he wrapped his arms around himself, slowly rocking back and forth.
----------------------------------
"I don't know what you came here today with. Whether it's a problem that you can't seem to get a grip on. Or a disease that you've been fighting with for a while and doesn't seem to be getting any better. Maybe you're just wondering how God could ever love someone as sinful and terrible as you.
"But what I do know is that Jesus carried his own cross wearing a crown of thorns; that Jesus had nails driven through his hands and feet and his side pierced; that Jesus hung there, suffered, and died for you. And that as he was being crucified, and overcome with pain, Jesus Christ had you on his mind. Not some faceless mob of humanity, but you. He knew your name. He knew what you liked, what bugged you, every little trial, every little pain, every single tear you've ever shed, and every single tear you'll ever shed in the years to come. He knew all this as he was dying on that cross.
"And it was for all those things that Jesus Christ died for you."
----------------------------------
Angel sobbed as a past sermon came to mind.
"Maybe you're just wondering how God could ever love someone as sinful and terrible as you. "
Caramel cheeks were shining from the waterfall of tears, and his amber eyes were surrounded by puffy red. A smooth lower lip was trembling profusely, as his hands dropped from his face to the ground. Questions flooded his brain, and overwhelming guilt flooded his heart.
"Where were you God? If they are telling the truth about all that love, then where were you? Why didn't you come for me when Cane was tearing at my clothes? Why didn't you protect me when he smashed my back against the cold cement? Where were you when I was left in that dark alley shaking, sobbing, and barely able to move? Why didn't you take me away from him?"
Silence.
"Why did you let me get AIDS?"
Silence.
"Why won't you answer me?"
Angel shook his head, wiping one wrist over his eyes, scrubbing away the curtain of tears. Moses had heard God. Noah had also. Why was Angel any different?
"What's so wrong with me? Why's the devil always on my back? What did I do wrong?"
The entire church was quiet. It was close to eleven o'clock at night. Almost every light had been shut off, only a few left on at the doors. The sanctuary was an open one, so doors were kept unlocked. The treasury money was stored in another locked room.
A pale sliver of moonlight slitted through the sanctuary windows, shining onto the cross, and bathing Angel in the cool glitter.
"What's left? My health's gone. My life's gone. My happiness is gone. My sanity's going. Oh God, somebody help me. Sasha's gonna abandon me, he can't take care of me forever. He deserves so much more than I have. What'll I have left then? No one loves me. No one ever will. I'm a fuckin' drag queen with nothing left but a pickle tub and HIV. It's not fair."
/It's not fair./
"God, why won't you help?"
*"Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabachtami!" Angel whispered.
Tears slipped down his face again, and he once more lifted his head to the cross.
"Why did you do this to me?"
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*="Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabachtami!" Is Hebrew for "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?" These were the words spoken by Jesus when dying on the cross.