A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y: Part 2

Dictated to Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi by all of the Sailors tired of
the huge plot holes in an otherwise enthralling story.

(*mumbles to self* Bloody possessed computers... now where were we? Ah yes,
Rand al' Thor was to discover the identity of Asmodean's killer...)

~*~

Unfortunately, the enemy was further then the screams and collapsing
buildings first indicated. After running for several minutes an out of
breathe Sailor Moon puffs out.

"Remember...next time...we...teleport..."

"You're so out of shape, meatballhead! Why don't you lay up on all those
donuts?" Sailor Mars shouts back as she easily breezes along.

"Raaaaaaaaaye,whyyyyyy are you so meeeeeeeeeeaaaaan to meeeeeee......????"

"No crying! Save your breath for running!" Tuxedo Mask advises from
Sailor Moon's side.

Suddenly Sailor Mars, Sailor Venus, and Sailor Jupiter skid to a halt in
shock. Moon and Mercury plow into them, sending several of the Scouts
sprawling.

"Hey, Tuxie...what are you doing here? How can you appear at the perfect
moment if you are here with us now?" the last Scout standing, Sailor
Jupiter asks.

"Mmm...I guess I'd better go." Tuxedo Mask concurs, and leaning down for
one last kiss from Sailor Moon, he vanishes with a swirl of an ebony
colored cloak.

"Awww...why'd you send him away?" Sailor Moon whines as everyone tries
to untangle their various limbs and rise from the ground.

"He'll be back Meatballbrain, and then you can ooh and ahh all during his
speech and drool over his cape...." says Sailor Mars as she brushes the dirt
off her fuku...I mean very short skirt.

"Raaaaaaaaye.....!!!!"

"NO MORE!" Sailor Mercury shouts and grabs both Moon and Mars by their
hair. She clunks their heads together a la Three Stooge's style then loops
her arms through theirs and begins running.

"Way to go Amy!" Venus congratulates as the Scouts once again are on
their way.

No one seems overly surprised to see the Sailor Scouts running through
the streets... I suppose that it has become a common enough sight over
the years. What is so special about sailor-suited magically powered alien
beings from the past anyway?

The Scouts arrive at the city's park --where ELSE could an attack
possibly be held?-- to find a rather cute looking guy in a suit that
resembles a cross between the male version of the sailor outfit and
Prince Endymion's...err Prince DARIEN's armor. He is hovering several feet
in the air, surrounded by craters, burnt and shriveled trees, the mandatory
number of energy drained bodies, and of course Molly sprawled nearby.

"He looks like my old boyfriend!" Jupiter sighs.

Both Luna and Artemis develop sweatdrops. We do like our sweat drops,
don't we?

"Hey, the villains are getting handsome again! We haven't had a cutie since
Dimando...oops I mean Daemon...Demand?...Diamond? What's his name
again? He had that thing for Sailor Moon..." says Venus.

"WHICH villain with a crush on Sailor Moon? You'd think that funky
hairstyle would turn them off, but noooo...." replies Sailor Mars.

"Raaaaaaaye!!!!"

"MEATBALLBRAIN! Don't shout out my REAL name in front of the bad
guy!"Raye shouts.

"Huh? We do that ALL the time! The baddies are always too stupid to try
and track down our alter egos that way..." Sailor Moon says defensively.
"It's not as if we are wearing masks or anything to hide our real identities..."

"If you are quite done," the villain of the season interrupts. He crosses
his arms and taps his foot impatiently as he regards the Sailor Scouts.

"Do you know how LONG I have been WAITING for you to show up? It takes
energy to level buildings and crisp trees, you know!"

"Sorry, we had some personal problems to resolve." Mercury apologizes.

"Don't apologize to the Nega-sleaze, Amy!" Sailor Jupiter frowns at her
companion.

"Err...sorry, Jupiter, but please refrain from using my name in the enemy's
hearing, bad tracking record or not." Ami replies.

"Anyway," Mars continues her rant. "EVERYONE knows that I am the
prettiest of the Original Sailors! All the Internet polls prove it! So why
aren't the bad guys falling over themselves to capture ME?"

"Well, Jedite liked you but you crisped him..."says Sailor Venus.

"That never happened in the anime! Why couldn't we follow the manga
where everyone thought I was astoundingly beautiful?" Mars pouts.

"Can we discuss this later, guys?" Amy asks.

"No! I want to know why everyone is so obsessed with Meatballhead over
here just because she USED to be the Moon Princess!" Mars demands hotly.

"It's not because I'm the Moon Princess and the Neo Queen--okay, maybe
for Darien and Dimando it is-- it's because I have a PURE and INNOCENT
soul, unlike someonewhoshallremainunnamedbutisapyromaniac...." defends
Sailor Moon.

"Come on guys!" Ami pleads.

"Oh yeah????"

"YEAH!!!!"

"We have to fight the enemy not each other!" Amy tries to desperately
mediate.

Suddenly everyone turns towards Sailor Mercury and shouts "STOP
SHIFTING BETWEEN YOUR NAMES!!!"

Mercury is taken aback for a moment and then she suddenly smiles.

"Well, at least we are all working together again!"

"Excuse me," the hovering figure of evil and darkness politely interrupts.
"But we are breaking Fighting Etiquette here. You are supposed to
introduce yourselves, I then introduce myself and threaten to destroy
you/the world/the universe, and then we attack each other, remember?"

"Oh yeah!" Sailor Moon instantly takes up her fighting stance and the
other Sailors line up behind her while Luna and Artemis, who are
completely useless during a battle and have no real reason for attending,
run for cover.

"I am Sailor Moon, the Champion of Love and Justice! And on behalf of the
Moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil! And that means YOU!"

"And we, the Sailor Scouts, will punish you! Scouts Honor!" the others
chorus.

The yet-to-be-introduced villain blinks.

"Quite incredible. Do you know that half of the time you were speaking
your mouths weren't moving?" he asks.

Sailor Moon and the other scouts begin to blush.

"It's all DIC's fault...I mean, we're ventriloquists! Yeah, that's it..." Sailor
Moon mutters not too intelligently.

"Well, I am Kunzite, the lost General for Queen Beryl! Despite different
storylines and huge plot holes all of the villains somehow end up being
in league with the Nega-Verse! DIIIIIIIEEEE!" the now-named Kunzite ends
his speech with a roar and proceeds to hurl dark-powered jelly beans at
the Scouts.

The Scouts leap back with suitable expressions of horror and anger on
their faces as the jelly beans explode around them. Venus shakes her
head ruefully.

"Have you noticed that the attacks, while getting more powerful, have
gotten a whole lot sillier?" she asks.

"Have I ever." Jupiter replies as she dodges the dreaded Snickers© Storm.
"At least he's better then that fruit monster, Droid Avacada! And
jellybeans remind me of my old boyfriend..."

The scouts groan, and not because Kunzite was throwing dark energy at
them either.

"Come on Scouts! Luna and Artemis trained us well! We can defeat this
villain of the season!" Sailor Moon encourages.

"Actually, come to think of it...how exactly DID Luna and Artemis train
us?" Jupiter asks.

The Scouts frown at each other as Kunzite rolls his eyes.

"I am sure that they must have taught us SOMETHING..." says Mercury
hesitantly.

"Sure we did!" Artemis calls out. "We uhhhh...gave you all those snazzy
transformation wands and communicators..."

"I'm not sure that counts as 'training'." Mars replies.

"We did sorta learn our attacks on our own...and I don't remember any
physical training sessions..." Sailor Moon admits.

"Serena, with YOUR memory..." Luna warns.

"Yoohoo©, we're in the middle of a battle here." Kunzite reminds the
Scouts. "Let's start again, shall we?"

The Scouts nod their agreement.

"We can discuss this later." Sailor Moon tells the others.

"On the count of three...one...two...three..." Kunzite says.

As Kunzite hurls another handful of deadly jellies at the Scouts; Mercury
reacts instantly.

"Mercury Bubbles Blast!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" several people yell at once as the surrounding
area is blanketed in a dense cloud of fog.

"Oh great..." mutters a voice in annoyance.

Scouts, cats, and evil villains stumble around helplessly in the murk.

Disembodied voices float out of the fog.

"OUCH! Someone just stepped on my foot!" Jupiter yells.

"Ooh...I think I just tripped over one of the drained bodies!" the
faraway sound of Venus' voice is heard.

"OW! OW! OW! WHO is pulling my hair???" Mars demands.

"MREOOOOOOOW!"

"Oh, sorry Luna!"

"I'm sorry guys!" Mercury apologizes from somewhere unseen. "I forgot
that only I can see in the Bubbles Blast with my VR visor... try to
stay still and I'll come for you..."

"MROOOOOOOW!"

"Ooh...sorry again, Luna!"

"HELP! I've fallen into one of the craters and I can't get UP!"

"I just walked into a tree! It sorta reminds me of my old boyfriend..."

"Oof..."

"Okay, who just knocked me over?" an angry Mars can be heard.

"That's my FOOT again!" Jupiter roars.

"Please, guys, stay still!"

"I'm going to need some help here..." Sailor Venus calls out.

"OUCH!"

"ARGHHHH!"

"Ooh...is that you Darien? Have you been working out?"

"Umm...no, I'm not Darien...I can pretend to be him though." Kunzite finally
speaks.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[[The narrator keels over laughing. WHOOMP! "Ahem..as I was saying....]]

Finally the mist lifts away from the ground, leaving everyone exposed in
their compromising positions. Sailor Venus is sprawled inside a large
burnt crater, Sailor Jupiter is entangled in a nearby tree, Luna hangs
upside down from a dangling bough, Mercury is sheepishly typing at her
mini-computer, and Sailor Moon runs screaming away from Kunzite. We
find the reason why Artemis has been silent for the entire ordeal...
apparently he had been tread into unconsciousness by the unwary
heel of Sailor Mars, who is currently trying to scrape him off of her shoe
sole.

After a half hour 'time out' agreed upon by both parties, Kunzite begins
again.

"I will kill you and parade around with your decapitated heads as a
necklace for the honor of Queen Beryl!" Kunzite yells.

"Ewwww..." says Sailor Venus eloquently.

"Hey, tone that down! This is supposed to be G-rated!" Mars protests.

"Ooops..."

"Hey!" finally something that Kunzite had said sinks into Sailor Moon's
mind." What do you MEAN 'for the honor of Queen Beryl?". I moondusted
her way back in the first season!"

"Nyu-uhhhh.... You only 'sent (her) back to the Nega-verse'!" Kunzite pauses
in the middle of wrestling with Jupiter to respond to Sailor Moon."
Remember what happened in 'Day of Destiny'? NO ONE died! Everyone
was just sent to the Nega-verse..."

For the first time everyone begins to realize how much Kunzite
resembles the thought-to-be-dead Malachite...

"That's way harsh..." Venus says.

Everyone turns to stare at her.

"Hey, I had to say that at least ONCE today!" she defends.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sailor Moon throws a temper tantrum
and begins to viciously kick at random tufts of grass." I killed her, I did!"

Sailor Mars, remembering that she IS Sailor Moon's best friend, puts an
arm around her shoulder in comfort.

"I'm sorry, Sailor Moon...it's DI..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now you've made me angry Nega-sleaze!" Sailor Moon
shrugs off Mar's arm.

"MOON TIARA MAGIC!!!!"

The blinding oval of light zooms in a deadly arc towards Kunzite... and
then stops dead halfway, falling harmlessly to the ground and returning to
it's normal tiara mode.

"WHAT?" Sailor Moon stares at her tiara lying in the crisped grass.

"You have to WANT to be Sailor Moon for your tiara to work!" Luna
encourages from her safe vantage point several yards away.

"What do you MEAN? That's stupid! I WANT to be Sailor Moon! I WANT to
moondust this creep..." Sailor Moon stalks over to her tiara and kicks it.

"I don't think that you can do anything Sailor Moon. Why don't you try your
Moon Scepter on him?" Mercury says.

Sailor Moon's eyes light up as the tiara magically reappears on her
forehead.

"I have an idea.... MOON TIARA VAPORIZE!!!"

The glowing tiara explodes towards Kunzite who just barely manages to
avoid it. Clutching at his sliced clothes, Kunzite glares at Sailor Moon.

"You can't do that! That's not one of your powers!" he protests.

"Oh yeah! Well,I DID use this attack in the episode 'So You Want to Be a
Superstar?" So HA!" Sailor Moon dances about gleefully.

Sailor Moon turns to directly address the audience for the first and last
time.

"Who says I am air headed? I may not like studying but I do have BRAINS!
So remember that kids, you don't have to be the smartest kid in your class
to make something of yourself in the world!"

[[Narrators Note: "It's a 'Sailor Moon Says' moment! AHHHHHHHH!" Charon
runs screaming. Scenes edited out because they were too interesting to
include flash in the background.]]

"No, you can be a total ditz and end up Queen of the World..." Mars mutters
under her breath.

"What?" Sailor Moon spins towards Raye.

"Wonderful," Sailor Mars raises her voice. "Our own personal 'Sailor Moon
Says' session. Now all we need is for you to do that idiotic 'Tee hee hee
hee' laugh and everything will be complete!"

Sailor Mars throws her gloved hands into the air.

"Well, if that's the way it's going to be.... MARS FIRESTORM FLASH!"

Kunzite dodges away from the plume of fire.

"NO FAIR!"

"Ha ha!" Mars points regally towards the scorched Kunzite."That comes
from 'Gramps in a Pickle'!"

"Guys," Mercury interjects worriedly," those are DiC plot holes! By using
them you risk the chance of completely unraveling the storyline! We don't
know WHAT might happen!"

Jupiter shrugs.

"Who cares? As long as it zaps the baddie! From 'Jupiter Comes
Thundering In'....JUPITER SUPREME THUNDER CRASH!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kunzite flings himself to the ground. While on the
ground he manages to grab hold of a leaf which he uses to deflect away
the lightning --for, of course, everyone knows that leaves are more
powerful than lightning.

Angrily Kunzite raises his head to glare at the Scouts.

"Oh yeah? Well, if you are going to play rough.... take THIS! ZOY!"

Cherry petals spiral inexorably towards the Scouts. As they contact the
Sailor's clothes or skins they explode flinging the Scouts several feet
through the air.

"You can't do that! You aren't Zoycite!" Sailor Venus protests as she rises
from where she has fallen. "She...he...it... will sue for copyright
infringement! "

"Oh yeah? I can constantly whine about my face while you try to kill me!
How do you know I'm not Zoycite reincarnated?" Kunzite taunts.

The Scouts exchange looks.

"Ooh...he said the forbidden 'R' word..."

Silence descends upon the park as the day suddenly darkens. The mighty
power of DIC rears its ugly head.

"I'm sorry!" Kunzite says penitently."I'll play by the rules from now on! No
more mentioning of the 'R' word! We all...just ahhh...died and our spirits
came back in new bodies... new bodies that somehow look exactly like our
old bodies..."

With the omniscient power of DIC appeased, the day slowly returns to
normal. Or what passes for normal in this city, which means pretty much
anything goes.

Everyone releases a pent up sigh.

"Whew... that was close. I was afraid we were going to be canceled... now
where was I?" says a visibly shaken Kunzite.

"I believe you were about to attack us." replies Sailor V helpfully.

"That's Sailor VENUS!" everyone shouts at once, fearing the appearance of
another plot hole.

[[ Narrator's note: Oops...sorry!]]

"Apology accepted...soooo...I have to do something acceptable..." Kunzite
scratches his chin. "Ah ha!"

Kunzite spins about, flinging jelly beans into the air.

"Foo Foo Baddies! Come forth!"

The jellybeans begin to pulse with dark energy, slowly morphing into a
less innocuous shape. The Scouts, however, are tittering and giggling.

"Ummm...excuse me, did you say FOO FOO Baddies?" Sailor Mars asks as
she muffles a laugh with her hand.

"Yeah, I said FOO FOO BADDIES. If the evil faeries from the Sailor Moon SS
movie can have Bon Bon Baddies then I can have Foo Foo Baddies!" retorts
Kunzite.

"Sure you can..." Sailor Jupiter tries to appease Kunzite. "If for some
reason you WANT them..." she continues quietly to the other scouts.

The scouts continue to laugh while the Foo Foo Baddies transform into
slender gelatinous monsters with sharpened claws as appendages.

"Uhhh... Scouts... I'd stop laughing now." a heavily bandaged Artemis warns.

The scouts look towards the now mutated Foo Foo Baddies.

"ú¨¶¹®¬¹Å¶!!!" Sailor Jupiter says.

"º¢£çû!" Sailor Venus agrees.

"But they DO kinda remind me of my old boyfriend..." Jupiter continues.

The Foo Foo Baddies are of that annoying variety of villain that the anime
is rather fond of. While separately the Foo Foo's posed only a minor
irritation, in a mass they were quite dangerous...and Kunzite was flinging
more and more Foo Foo's throughout the air.

"It's time to get to work, Scouts!" Sailor Venus announces.

Half an hour later as the Sailor Scouts continue with their life and death
struggle with the Foo Foo's --and believe me it WAS Life and Death! Who
could live on knowing they were defeated by a FOO FOO?-- Sailor Venus'
notices that Sailor Moon is missing. Fearing the worst, Venus runs
through the chaos, prepared to die for the safety of her Princess and
future Queen. She finds Sailor Moon morosely sitting on a grassy knoll.

"Sailor Moon! What's wrong???" Venus asks anxiously.

Sailor Moon sighs and glumly runs her gloved hands through the grass.

"I'm lonely... I miss my Mamo... errr Darien." she says.

Sailor Venus stares at her leader.

"Well...." Venus balls her fists and swallows slowly "You. know. Tuxedo.
Mask. will. only. come. when. you. are. in. danger."

"That's right!" With a bright grin Sailor Moon flings herself at Kunzite.

"Sailor Moon!" Venus shouts after her. Venus, like all others, is somehow
compelled to use the full title 'Sailor Moon' in reference to the leader of
the Sailor Scouts while, on the other hand, all the other Scouts are often
simply called by their planet's names.

Sailor Moon pulls out her Moon Scepter from.... well, she pulls it out from
no where... and begins duking it out with Kunzite. After a few minutes of
the one-on-one fight Kunzite is about to hit Sailor Moon over the head
with the over-sized candy cane he had been using as a sword when a laser
flash of red shatters the candy in the villain's hands. As mandated
everyone looks up in awe at the cloaked figure who is perched in a nearby
high tree branch. Hero music plays in the background as the wind
impressively whips through the figure's cape and hair.

"I am Tuxedo Kamen...."

"You are Tuxedo Caiman??? Are you related to a crocodile or something?"
Kunzite jeers.

"That's Tuxedo KAMEN! KAMEN! KAMEN! Not CAIMAN!" Darien finally sees
all the Scouts desperately shaking their heads. "Oops... no, I mean I am
Tuxedo MASK!"

Tuxedo Mask gracefully poses on the tree limb, easily maintaining his
balance.

"As I said, I am Tuxedo Mask! And I will not forgive you for keeping me
waiting so long to save my beloved! I will...... KRAAAAAAAA----
AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly there is a loud cracking sound as the limb on which Tuxedo Mask
was standing breaks and sends him plummeting to the ground in a flurry
of cape, hat, and coat-tails.

Everyone gasps in astonishment except for Kunzite who smiles wickedly
and pulls out an oversized saw.

"I do my homework! It took me DAYS to cut every branch in a three-mile
radius in half, but it was worth it...."

"YOU!!!!!" and enraged Sailor Moon bellows. She beats Kunzite upside the
head with her Moon Scepter until he is nearly unconscious before she
runs towards her fallen love's side.

"Oh, poor baby!" Sailor Moon croons as she pulls a de-masked Tuxedo
Mask's head into her lap.

"Ooh...didja see what asteroid hit me?" Tuxedo Mask mutters as stars
swirl in his eyes.

"This is NOT good..." Sailor Jupiter says as she and the other Scouts run
towards Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask.

Kunzite groggily weaves to his feet. He empties his pockets of jelly
beans before collapsing to the ground.

"Bon Bon...I mean Foo Foo Baddies...GET THEM!" he shouts from his prone
position.

The future looks dim for the Sailor Scouts when suddenly... [[" Don't you
LOVE those 'when suddenlys' (^_~)'']]

~*~

And what an evil place to stop the story, ne? You'll have to wait an entire 2 seconds until you click on the next portion. *stabs computer*