A Sailor Moon ParoD(iC)y: Part 3

Dictated to Sailor Charon, Bard of the Senshi by all of the Sailors tired of
the huge plot holes in an otherwise enthralling story.

(In our last episode we left Michael Knight trapped inside a water tower rapidly
filling with H20 while KITT was stranded in the middle of the Mohave desert...)

~*~

"'de-taq'.... I mean,'death scream'" says a familiar looking green haired
woman.

A ball of purple energy coalesces and knocks the encroaching Foo Foo's
away from the Inner...Scouts? Senshi?

"Hey! Not that I'm complaining about saving our lives, but you can't be
here! This is the ENGLISH version of Sailor Moon!" Sailor Jupiter pipes up.

"Not anymore," responds the short haired Sailor Uranus. "There have been
so many plot holes here that we easily slipped in! Anyway, it's not as if
people don't mix and match the versions all the time!"

"Besides,"added the turquoise haired Sailor Neptune "the Japanese
version was ALWAYS part of this story! In the very first paragraph
Charon mentions 'Heart Crystals' 'Star Seed' and 'Dream Mirrors' which all
belong in the Japanese version! DIC never reached any of those things!"

[[Narrators Note: "OOOOPS!!!!" Sailor Pluto chases Sailor Charon around the
grounds...
"Hey, wait a minute! How can you be HERE with me when you are
also IN the story itself?"
"I am the Guardian of Time and Space...I can be ANYWHERE at ANYTIME!" the
long green-haired senshi replies. *WHACK!*]]

Kunzite cocks open an eye from the place where he is lying on the ground.

"Oh great...the Outer Scouts." he mutters.

"We are NOT 'Scouts'" Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto shout in unison. " We are
the Outer SENSHI!"

"Except.." Uranus smirks. "Now that Pluto has appeared in those '17 New
Episodes' maybe _she_ is a Scout..."

The Guardian of Time's face darkens as she menacingly approaches the
platinum blonde Sailor, her Time Staff held at the ready.

"Eh heh..." Uranus begins backing away warily as a bored Neptune begins
painting her fingernails. (After having removed her gloves ofcourse. (^_~)

"And that was NOT our official introduction....So....." Uranus strikes a pose.
"I am the Senshi of the Sky! And one day I shall decide if I want to be a
male or a female! I am the uhhh...the waffling Sailor Uranus!"

Sailor Neptune places her finger to her lips in her trademark move.

"I am the Senshi of the Seas... and Uranus is MINE! I am a genius, an
artist, and a musician...I am the perfect Sailor Neptune!"

Sailor Pluto elegantly poses with her Time Staff. [[ cringe]]

"I am the Senshi of Time. I am destined to always guard the Gate of Time
except in cases of great emergency, even though I know everything about
the Past, Present, and Future and could technically leave the Time Gate
whenever I want, returning only when I know it is in danger. However, I
follow the duty which has been set for me by an unknown entity at an
unknown time and place. I am the confusing Sailor Pluto!"

Sweat drops break out on everyones' head after Pluto's speech.

"You know, I always wondered about that." Venus says softly.

"And we are the Outer Senshi!" Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto chorus.

"Yes, I heard you the FIRST time." Kunzite pulls himself to his feet.

An evil smirk spreads across Kunzite's face.

"Hey, aren't those some child protection officials over there?" he asks
innocently as he waves a hand at a nearby copse of trees.

"WHAT?!?!?"

Tuxedo Mask bolts upright in horror as Sailor Neptune grabs Sailor Uranus for support.

"NOOOO!!! You can't have Hotaru back! She belongs with us, NOT with that
psycho father of hers Professor Tomoe..." Neptune cries out.

Several members of the Sailor Team are in quite a panic --for various
unrelated reasons-- until they finally notice that the park is empty except
for themselves, Kunzite, a few hundred Foo Foo Baddies, Molly, a few
drained bodies, and the regular flow of passersby who notice nothing out
of the ordinary.

Tuxedo Mask collapses back into Sailor Moon's lap in relief.

"HEY!" Uranus shouts. "You can't trick us like that! For we are..."

"The Outer Senshi... Yes, you HAVE mentioned it once or twice." Kunzite
interrupts.

He turns towards the others who are huddled around Sailor Moon and
Tuxedo Mask. "I suppose that you are 'Senshi' now too?"

Kunzite's question opens up a heated debate to the exact team name of
the female warriors.

"We're SENSHI!"announces Uranus.

"No, but WE are SCOUTS!" argues Mars

"That's ridiculous, how can you be SCOUTS and we be SENSHI?" asks
Neptune.

Kunzite taps his fingers and whistles a show tune.

Sailor Moon pulls her attention away from the hurt Tuxedo Mask long
enough to comment "Neptune is right. We can't break up the team.
Whatever name we go by, EVERYONE has to use."

"Well, we WERE originally 'Senshi'" ventures Sailor Venus.

"But we're using our ENGLISH names now! And quite frankly I prefer 'Lita'
to 'Makoto'!" replies Jupiter.

"We can go as 'Senshi/Scout." Neptune suggests.

[["NOOOOOOO!" the narrator shrieks. Too many letters!]]

"Why don't we just say we are 'Soldiers' and call it even? After all
'Senshi' does translate to 'Soldier'" Mercury says hopefully.

"NO!" everyone else shouts.

"At least we all agree on that." Mercury says wryly.

Finally after fifteen minutes or so, they decide that 'Sailors' was a safe
name to call everybody.

"So....SAILORS! I will destroy you ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Kunzite laughs evilly. He suddenly cuts off and turns towards Sailor Venus.

"Was that good?"

"Very good, Kunzie... I'm sure we will have to kill you now in order to
protect the world from your menace." Venus encourages.

"Wait a minute... what about our names? Are we going by the NA version
or the original?" Mars asks.

Kunzite sighs and goes back to whistling that show tune.

"We should go by the original names of course!" Uranus proclaims.

"I dunno... I've gotten used to being called 'Serena' " Sailor Moon objects.

"Well, there is NO WAY that I am going to be called 'Corrine'!" Uranus
exclaims.

Pluto flinches.

"How in the rings of Saturn did they come up with THOSE names for us
anyway?" she murmurs.

"Well, I don't want to go by 'Makoto' !" Jupiter says staunchly.

"And I don't like the name 'Mamoru' at all..." Tuxedo Mask adds.

Sailor Moon looks at him, her eyes beginning to brim. (and not with hope
this time either!)

"But I DO like being called 'Mamo-chan' " Tuxie adds quickly.

Sailor Moon smiles happily.

"Why don't we just keep the names we started with?" Venus asks.

"Mix the North American and Japanese names? That drives people crazy!"
Neptune exclaims.

Venus shrugs and flicks her long blonde hair behind an ear.

"It doesn't really matter to me... Mina and Minako are close enough. But, as
you said Michiru-san, people are ALWAYS mixing up the names or renaming
characters. What is one more?" Venus concludes.

"Yeah, putz to the reader... I LIKE being Lita!" Jupiter says.

After deciding upon their names, the fight continues on, with both Kunzite
and Tuxedo Mask having sufficient time to recover during the debate.

Well, the fight continued on for SOME people...

"HEY!" Jupiter yells. "The lovebirds are still smooching under the tree!"

"You two make me SICK!" Mars yells at the two embracing figures.

"Oh come ON!" says Venus as she tries to pull Sailor Moon and Tuxedo
Mask apart."There's time for THAT later !" Finally in disgust Venus hits
Tuxedo Mask in the back with the flat of her sword... Oops! Wrong Sailor
Venus! [[The Sailor Moon manga does rock though!]]

Tuxedo Mask finally pulls back with a sigh and throws some magical
roses into the fray.

"Go get'em Muffin!" Sailor Moon shouts encouragement.

"Hmmm....this fight has been going on for too long. Usually battles only
last for half an hour or so. Being the star heroine who always has to be
the one to destroy the bad guy, maybe I should try to use the Empyrean...
Imperium...Silver Crystal!" Sailor Moon thinks aloud. Either that
or she was using her ventriloquist trick again.

Sailor Moon removes her locket and flips open the lid. The softly
gleaming crystal-with-many-names is revealed. Sailor Moon smiles,
beginning to format a suitable activation phrase for what she has decided
to safely call 'the Silver Crystal', when it begins to pulse with power of
it's own accord.

"Wha---?" Sailor Moon stares at the crystal at it begins to rapidly
change shapes, from a sphere to a rose to a heart to a starburst to a star...
It even mutates into a garish pink color..."

"What is going on?"

Suddenly a hand shuts the lid to the the Transformation Broach,
effectively sealing off the crystal.

"Let's just leave the Silver Crystal where it is, shall we?" says Tuxedo
Mask who is currently sporting a dozen or so sweat drops on his head.

"I guess..." Sailor Moon replaces the broach locket which somehow
magically magnetically clings to her chest. "Now what? I HAVE to save
everybody! It's part of my contract!"

"Well... you do still have the Cutie Moon... Scepter." says Tuxedo Mask.

'That should be safe enough. She hasn't died using that...yet' he thinks
silently to himself.

"Right!" Sailor Moon shouts brainlessly.

The Moon Scepter had conveniently disappeared when Sailor Moon was no
longer using it --ie after she beat Kunzite senseless with it-- so, once
again, Sailor Moon whips out the weapon from no where.

"MOON PRINCESS..."

"Wrong attack!" Tuxedo Mask shouts helpfully.

"Oh yeah.... MOON SCEPTER ELIMI-TAVATION!"

Several sweat drops pop out on the creatures nearby, including Kunzite
who is not looking particularly frightened at the moment.

"Huh?"

"MOON SCEPTER...ummmm..."

Luna buries her face in her paws as Artemis tries to comfort her.

"Oh please, don't have her forget the words to her attack too..." the black
cat feels a headache coming on.

"Uh...guys, do you remember the words to my attack?"

Oh yes, the headache is there.

Kunzite sighs and begins whistling a new show tune as the Foo Foos and
Sailors stop fighting in order to lend their help to Sailor Moon.

"That show tune... it reminds me..."begins Sailor Jupiter.

Sailor Mercury approaches menacingly, her compact computer held over
her head.

"Eh... never mind."says Jupiter.

"It's 'Moon Princess Halation'" says Uranus.

"No... she can't use her Japanese attack!" argues Mars.

"Why not? WE'RE using our Japanese attacks!" replies Uranus.

"That's because you never HAD an English attack!" responds Mars.

"Oh yeah..."

"It's 'Moon Scepter Elimination'" suggests Sailor Venus.

"I thought it was 'Illumination'!" negates a Foo Foo Baddie.

"No, it's ELIMINATION." argues Venus.

"I swear I heard ILLUMINATION" says the Foo Foo.

"You don't even have EARS!" Venus points out.

"You're right..."the Foo Foo finally agrees.

"Wait a minute..." Sailor Jupiter joins the group." I could swear that I
heard a 'Moon Scepter Activation' attack."

"WHAT? That's her OLD attack 'Moon Healing Activation'! She doesn't do
that anymore!"

"I have to agree with Jupiter, I too have heard 'Moon Scepter Activation'."
Mercury enters the conversation."Of course, I'm not exactly sure about my
own attack either. Is it 'Mercury Ice Storm Blast' or 'Shine Aqua Illusion'?'

"No... it's ELIMINATION!" Venus says stoutly ignoring Mercury.

"Are you INSANE, Venus?" Jupiter retorts.

"Heeeey! Whyyyyyy does everyoooooone call me insaaaaaaaaane?" Venus
begins to wail. "Aaaaaall the faaanfiiics depiiiiict me as insaaaaane. It's
not faaaaaaair!"

"Oh no! A Usagi... I mean a Serena impersonation! We are all doomed!"
Neptune murmurs in the background.

"I'm with Venus." Mars quickly cuts in and adds her two cents.

"ELIMINATION!"

"ACTIVATION!"

"ELIMINATION!"

"ACTIVATION!"

"ELIMINATION!"

"ACTIVATION!"

"ELIMINATION!"

"ILLUMINATION!"

"ACTIVATION!"

The two groups of Inner Senshi glare at each other, thunderclouds and
laser beams emanating from their eyes. The Outers look on with
interest... after all, they had NEVER heard of this particular attack of
Sailor Moon's."

"I think," Luna intervenes "that Sailor Moon can somehow use BOTH of
those words in her attack. But NOT," Luna glares at the sheepish Sailor
Moon "at the SAME time."

Kunzite taps his foot. "Anytime now..."

"Okay, here we go...." Sailor Moon lifts the Moon Scepter " MOON SCEPTER....."

Suddenly with a POP the Moon Scepter disappears. From the look of
amazement on Sailor Moon's face as she gazed at her now empty
hands, this was NOT in the script.

"What HAPPENED!" she wails.

Luna opens her mouth but Artemis interjects.

"I was afraid something like this would happen. Sailor Moon, you are
destined to gain and LOSE weapons at a phenomenal rate. It can't be
helped at all. Remember, we never DID find out what happened to the Moon
Wand." he says.

"You mean it's GONE?" Sailor Moon says in disbelief.

"I'm afraid so."

Sailor Moon stamps her foot.

"Next thing you'll tell me is that I will later completely lose my tiara..."
she whines on the verge of tears.

"Actually..." Artemis says hesitantly.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Sailor Moon begins to impersonate a waterfall
with her tears.

While Tuxedo Masks goes to 'comfort' Sailor Moon, the Foo Foo Baddies
and Sailors turn away in disgust and resume fighting.

"Eoeorthuaaaadaaa Shaking!"

Pieces of Foo Foo Baddies splatter all over the park.

"What the HECK was that?" asks Tuxedo Mask as he breaks away from
Sailor Moon for a moment.

Tuxedo (De)Mask is about to remove his mask in order to see better when
he realizes that he had already lost his mask during his fall from the
tree. At least he had also lost that ridiculous top hat... he was always half
afraid that a little rabbit would pop out of it or something.

"That was Uranus," the nearby Sailor Neptune smiles "She has trouble
pronouncing 'World' in her attack 'World Shaking'."

"Does she ever..."Tuxedo Mask comments dryly."Why does the Senshi of the
Sky have 'World Shaking' as her attack anyway? Shouldn't it be 'Sky
Shaking' or something?"

"You're right...." Neptune agrees with Tuxie. "Uranus, darling, try 'Sky
Shaking' instead!" the teal clad Sailor calls out.

"SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Shaking!"

Neptune nods her approval."That works ever so much better!"

Despite the arrival of the powerful Outer Sailors with their Foo Foo
splattering attacks, the Foo Foo Baddies continue to attack in ever
growing numbers. That was when AmY noticed it.

"Sailors! When our individual powers destroy the structural integrity
of the gelatinous creatures, the remaining residue multiplies and
reforms into the original entity!" Mercury shouts in warning.

"Huh?" the battle halts as everyone turns to stare at the blue-haired Sailor.

"Does she always speak that way?" Kunzite asks Venus in a stage whisper.

"More often then not." Venus sighs. "She's a regular Windwhistler {2}.
C'mon Mercury in ENGLISH! Or whatever the natural language is for us..."

"Uhhh, guys.Whenever you shatter a Foo Foo into itsy bitsy pieces all of
the pieces form new Foo Foos! We're just making more and more of them!"
Mercury tries again.

"Oh wonderful..." Sailor Pluto pauses in the act of smashing a Foo Foo.
"Now what?"

"You dweebs... do I ALWAYS have to bail you out?" a new voice calls out. A
very whining, peevish, irritating voice.

The day ominously darkens.

Cats, Sailors, and Foo Foos all turn towards the newest newcomer. She
was a short pipsqueak dressed from head to toe in a stomach turning
pink sailor suit.

"Oh nooo..." Sailor Moon whispers in horror.

Miming the poses of the elder Sailors the newcomer begins her
introduction.... IN THE HORRIBLE RENIE/RINI/REENY/REENIE VOICE!!!

"I am Sailor Chibi Moon the Annoying..." At that moment the pink haired,
red eyed intruder catches sight of Tuxedo Mask standing next to
Sailor Moon.

"Mamo-chan!" the red eyed spore squeals and heaves herself at the
surprised caped-man. She makes contact with silken tuxedo material and
clings on ferociously.

"AHHHHHHH!" Tuxedo Mask fruitlessly claws and tugs at the thing hanging
from his chest. "AHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

But Chibi Usa, true to her nickname --'Spore' if you didn't know-- refuses
to be budged. Tuxedo Mask begins screaming and running around in circles.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

"Hey! Get your grubby mitts off my boyfriend!" Sailor Moon runs after the
shrieking tuxedo clad hero and the gleefully chortling pink-thing.

"Oh boy...." Sailor Uranus gets a huge sweat drop on her head. "But wait... if
Chibi Moon is here then Saturn can't be far behind..."

"I am the Senshi of Silence..."

"Hey, Saturn! Nice to see you! Now all of the Outers are here!" Uranus calls
out.

Pluto approaches the smaller figure holding the glaive, raising her hands
in a gesture of supplication.

"Easy, Saturn...things aren't TOO bad. No need to OVER-REACT..."

The purple clad senshi waits patiently for the others to stop speaking
before she completes her introduction.

"I am the Senshi of Silence...if you want to know all about second
childhoods I am the one to see... I am the changing Sailor Saturn! And I am
NOT a _goth_! Got that straight?"

"ANOTHER one???" Kunzite glares at the Sailors. "Are you expecting
anyone else?"

Venus looks around the burnt clearing in the park. "Inners, Outers, pink
fungus child, Tuxie...nope, I think we are all here. Unless the Sailor
Starlight's show up... or some of those Sailors from the manga..."

"Fine then... all of you are going to DIE!" Kunzite shouts.

Saturn arches an eye at him.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

Sailor Moon catches up with Tuxedo Mask and his passenger and flings
herself at them both. Shortly, Tuxie is dragging around two pig-tailed
girls in his hysterical circles.

Kunzite scowls when he notices that everyone is watching the tuxedo
clad man dealing with his women-trouble and no one was paying
attention to HIM.

"Foo Foo Baddies... attack EVERYONE!" Kunzite shouts waving his arms
everywhere.

The Sailors stop cheering on the struggling trio and placing bets on who
will win and turn back to the problem at hand.

"What can we do? We can't attack the Foo Foos...that would just create
more of them!" Mercury says beginning to sound a bit worried.

"Hmm..." the Sailors ponder this dilemma and then, in the age old method
of problem-solving, they shove the responsibility over to the handiest
person.

"Pluto!" Jupiter turns towards the millennia old warrior. "DO something!"

"I can't..." Pluto shakes her head, trying to think of a way to squirm out of
the situation "That power is...uhhh forbidden...Yes! It would kill me..." The
green haired warrior dons her patented "coolly mysterious" look.

"This is the ANIME! Not the manga! You won't die!" Jupiter reminds the
green haired Sailor.

"Oh...very well. " Sailor Pluto holds up the Time Staff."I really hate doing
this." she mutters to herself. Everyone turns to stare as great power
slowly builds.

"TIME STOP!" Pluto uses her forbidden power in order to halt the battle.

Foo Foo Baddies, Sailors, and cats turns towards each other
experimentally moving their limbs.

"It does not appear to have worked..." Mercury comments quietly.

"That's not POSSIBLE!" Pluto stares in disbelief at her garnet topped
staff..

"Actually..." Venus tilts her head listening..." The sounds from the city
have stopped. I think you froze time for everyone EXCEPT us!"

"©ø§ª–£" Pluto says and slams her Time Staff into the ground.

"I can only use my forbidden attack once every 30,000 miles or every 6
months, whichever comes last. Don't worry... it will wear off eventually."
Pluto indicates the city and stalks off in a snit.

"Well, that helped...NOT." mutters Jupiter under her breath.

The Foo Foo Baddies continue their charge towards the Sailors.....

"SILENCE WALL!"

....and bounce haplessly off the invisible forcefield maintained by Saturn.

"Hey!" Kunzite shouts angrily."Foo Foo's ATTACK!"

The Foo Foo Baddies continue to hurl themselves against the barrier
protecting the Sailors. The strain of holding the forcefield against the
onslaught of dark power shows on Saturn's face but she stands firm.

Meanwhile, Pluto watches Tuxedo Mask struggle with the two pig-tailed
females... and shrugs. Why not? After CENTURIES she was finally away
from the Time Gate-- why not have a little bit of fun while she was out?
Within a moment Tuxedo Mask's hysterical circles are dragged to a snails
pace by the three women --or child in Chibi Usa's case--hanging onto him.

Sailor Mars notices this and smirks evilly to herself. Darien had belonged
to HER first...not counting that tryst with the Moon Princess during the
Silver Millennium of course...and it HAD been awhile since she had any
good lines to say or any really good action sequences. Mars tackles
Tuxedo Mask and adds on to the pile of sailors hanging unto him.

"Tug of War!"

"Uh girls...." Tuxedo Mask staggers to a halt. "This might be fun at another
time, but I don't think the middle of a battle is the place for this..."

Paying no attention to what their captive was saying, Moon, Chibi Moon,
Mars, and Pluto exchange evil looks and cling harder.

"The problems of being too beautiful..." Jupiter says sagely as she sits
safely behind Saturn's barrier, watching the drama unfold before her and
eating popcorn.

"AHHH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"

Venus shakes her head at the poor struggling Tuxedo Mask and sidles up
to Saturn's side.

"There is something I've been meaning to ask, and since Pluto appears to
be busy now..." begins Venus with a smile.

"What is it?" Saturn asks quietly keeping her concentration on
maintaining the Silence Wall.

"Why do you SHOUT the 'SILENCE Wall' and yet Pluto WHISPERS the 'Death
SCREAM'?" Venus asks innocently.

The mystery of this paradox confounds Saturn so much that she
unconsciously drops the forcefield. With glee the Foo Foo Baddies begin
attacking the Sailors with renewed strength. Despite the numbers --or
perhaps it was because half of the Sailors were piled atop Tuxedo
Mask... who knows...--the Foo Foos were easily defeating the Sailor
Scouts... Senshi... Soldiers...

It was then that Jupiter receives her brain storm.

"Moogle' she says to Tuxedo Mask.

"WHAT!!!!!" Tuxedo Mask roars as he straightens up, sending female bodies
flying everywhere. "THAT NAME! HIM! HE DARED TO TRY AND TAKE MY
PLACE WITH SERENA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tuxedo Mask begins rampaging around the park and, as Jupiter had
hoped, he spots Kunzite directing the charge of the Foo Foo Baddies. With a
bestial roar Tuxedo Mask charges, about to wreak vengeance-- and
misplaced anger-- on the hapless Nega-verse prince? general? some kind
of high ranking person....

Tuxedo Mask reaches within a dozen feet of Kunzite and it seems the day
is saved, when he is tackled from behind by one child, two girls, and one
grown woman. So close and yet so far...

"Doh!" Jupiter cries out in frustration. "There are way too MANY female
hormones on the loose here!" she announces and is confused why everyone
is laughing at her.

With the Sailors' best chance of taking down Kunzite in a fit of anger
buried underneath about 400 lbs of Sailor Senshi, slowly the Foos Foos
overwhelm the remaining Senshi.

Kunzite is deciding who to kill first when a desperate Saturn staggers to
her feet. With no hope of the Sailors defeating the Foo Foo Baddies -- and
knowing that no one would be able to live with the shame of being
defeated by a Foo Foo-- she begins HER forbidden attack.

"DEATH RIBBON...."

When suddenly... [["There is that 'when suddenly' again!]]

~*~

Well, this seems as good a place as any to stop. *WEG*