A CHIBI STORY
*~*(Based on the forwarded email known as A Monkey Story.)*~*
AC: Hello and welcome. Thank you for coming to read this wonderful **cough** story. My muse, Anastasia. **pause** Stace? **another pause** Anastasia, get out here!
Anastasia: **has hot-pink hair and faery wings. She enters and bows melodramatically** Always make an entrance.
AC: -_-;; Anyway, we're tinkering around. Our usual genre is Drama, but we have a writer's block problem, so we figured we'd try our hands at Humor.
Anastasia: Please be kind. And don't forget to review, or I'll send Bubblevicious and ZERO-Quatre after you.
AC: O_o… ah, well, on that note, Stace, run the disclaimer.
DISCLAIMER: Anonymous Celebrity does not own Heero or Duo. She doesn't own the little joke/e-mail forward thing; she only modified it. And she doesn't own me. She just thinks she does.
AC: Haha. Not funny, Stace.
Anastasia: ^_^
(Author's note: Daniel and Jamie are two "voices" in my head. They are also two of my friends.)
Daniel: Hey, is this like the monkey story?
AC: Yes, it is.
Jamie: Yay!! **smiles and dances around with Daniel**
Anastasia: Before I'm told, the warnings.
WARNINGS: Dead chibis. Swearing. Heero abuse.
Heero: What?! Omae o korosu.
Anastasia: Mataré tú.
Heero: ???
Anastasia: Same thing, different language. Now, on with the story!!
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- Hi, my name is Duo.
- I like chibis.
**Duo and Heero are walking together down a street**
Duo: Chibis are sooooo cute! I want a chibi.
Heero: You do realize that chibis are dangerous, insane, and expensive?
Duo: SO?! They're cute… hey, look, a store!
- The store was selling them for five cents apiece.
- I thought that this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.
- I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
- I like chibis.
Heero: Two hundred chibis?! Duo, how are you going to deal with them all?
Duo: They're cute. Look at this one. **holds up a chibi** I named him Sigmund.
Heero: Sigmund?
Duo: After the guy who sold them to me. I do have a lot of chibis to name, you know. **holds up another** This one's named Heero, after you.
Heero: **looking the chibi over** I'm hardly flattered.
Duo: Meanie. They were worth all ten dollars.
Heero: -_-;;
- I took my 200 chibis home.
- I have a big car.
- I let on e of them drive.
- His name was Sigmund.
- He was retarded.
Heero: **gripping to the seat in front of him—both he and Duo are in the back seat** Duo, what possessed you to let the chibi drive?
Duo: He wanted to. He was so cute, I couldn't say no… Though you gotta admit, he's far from smart.
**the car barely misses hitting a parked vehicle. again.**
Heero: I'm going to stop him, or else we're going to die.
**Heero begins to climb up to the front seat. Sigmund lets go of the wheel altogether, and the car veers into an abandoned building. Heero flies into the dashboard**
Duo: Thank God for all these chibis. They kept me from getting hurt. Are you okay up there, Heero?
Heero: Hn. **growls as he staggers out of the car. Duo and all 200 chibis follow**
- In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
- I laughed.
- They punched Heero in the genitals.
Heero: **DEATHGLARE
- I stopped laughing.
- When I got home, I herded them into my room.
- They didn't adapt well to their new environment.
- They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.
**the chibis are flying off the couch and into the wall**
Heero: **shouting to be heard and bandaged** This is what I warned you about, Duo.
Duo: **also shouting** Aw, come on, it's funny when you think about it.
Heero: After three hours?
**Heero the chibi flies into Heero the soldier, knocking him over**
Heero the chibi: EEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Heero the soldier: That's it. **gets up and draws gun**
Duo: DON'T SHOOT MY CHIBI!! **wrestles Heero to the floor**
- Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour when Heero tried to kill one.
- Two hours later I found out why all the chibis were so inexpensive: they all died.
- No apparent reason.
- They all just sort of dropped dead.
- Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
- God damn cheap chibis.
Duo: ;_; Why did my chibis have to die?!
Heero: Good riddance, if you ask me.
Duo: You're cruel. **holds up Heero the chibi** Look, he's dead.
Heero: I see that. And I'm glad. They nearly killed me.
Duo: Nah. You're immortal, Heero. You haven't noticed that yet?
Heero: **glare**
- I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead chibis lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
- It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
Duo: You think I could keep them for decoration?
Heero: No. **beat** How can chibis look like throw rugs?
Duo: Um, they have long hair.
- I tried to flush one down the toilet.
- It didn't work.
- It got stuck.
- Then I had one dead, wet chibi and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry chibis.
Heero: That was a stupid idea, Duo.
Duo: Well, you told me I had to get rid of them, and I tried.
Heero: A chibi is too large to fit down a toilet…
Duo: Well, how was I supposed to know? I'm not going to listen to you anymore. I'm keeping them, so there.
- I tried to pretend that they were dolls.
- That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose.
- It started to smell real bad.
Heero and Duo: **from the stench** X_x
- Heero had to pee but there was a dead chibi in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber.
- I was embarrassed.
**Heero and Duo have revived themselves**
Heero: I don't care how embarrassed you are, if you don't call that plumber, I'm going to kill you. **brandishes gun**
Duo: You can't kill me.
Heero: Can too.
Duo: Can not.
**time passes. Heero can't bring himself to pull the trigger**
Heero: Damn you.
Duo: Maybe we can take your mind off of this. What do we do about the smell?
Heero: The only ways I can think to slow down decomposition are cryogenic preservation, which is expensive, and freezing, which is—
Duo: A good idea. Thanks, Heero.
- I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
- Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.
- Heero had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
Heero: **while eating his third hot dog, a plate of French fries, and his fifth pint of ice-cream** How come I'm eating all this food? Certainly you would be able to stomach more of it than I can.
Duo: Because I have to change the chibis in the freezer. And it's my idea, so you have to listen to me.
Heero: No I don't. **stands**
Duo: Where are you going.
Heero: I'm giving the rest of it away. **takes food and leaves**
Duo: Oh. Good idea.
- I tried to burn them, but little did I know that Heero was flammable.
Duo: **after splashing an insane amount of gasoline around** That ought to do it. Now to get out of the way. **leaves**
Heero: **entering the room** I earned some money from all that food, and I intend to keep it as payment for all that you put— **sniffs** Why does it smell like gasoline in here?
**a lit match flies into the room, followed by a low-grade explosion**
Duo: **re-entering, seeing his comrade ablaze** HEERO, YOU'RE ON FIRE!!
Heero: **another DEATHGLARE
- I had to extinguish the fire.
- Then I had one dead, wet chibi in my toilet, two dead, frozen chibis in my freezer, one hundred ninety-seven dead charred chibis in a pile on my bed, and a crispy Heero, and the odor wasn't improving.
- Heero became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead chibis and he really had to use the bathroom.
- So he went and severely beat one of the chibis.
**Heero, now a human mummy, picks up the chibi that was once named Heero and beats it. Then he draws his gun and empties three rounds into it**
Heero: **turning to Duo** I am going into the woods to piss. **leaves**
- He felt better.
- I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the colony was not allowed to dispose of charred chibis.
- I told him I had a wet one.
- He couldn't take it either.
- I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
Heero: **re-entering** I thought about a couple of things while I was outside. I have no reason for staying here with you and your dead chibis, so I'm leaving. **before Duo can answer, he leaves**
Duo: Damn. Now what am I going to do?
- I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
**a week has passed. Duo arrives on Heero's doorstep**
Duo: Hey, Heero. You're looking better.
Heero: **eyeing Duo doubtfully** What is that?
Duo: Your Christmas gift.
Heero: In May? **Duo nods enthusiastically. Heero accepts the gift and opens it** It's a chibi.
Duo: Yep. I'm sharing the wealth… he he he… you're supposed to laugh now, Heero…
**Heero looks at the chibi, then looks at Duo, and then down at the chibi again. This goes on for a little while.**
**Heero punches Duo in the genitals**
- My name is Heero.
- I like chibis.
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Anastasia: I'm happy with it.
AC: Me too. Good work.
Duo: **holding his, erm, male area** I don't think so…
Heero: After all you put me through, Duo, I believe that was fair retribution.
Duo: But I didn't do it… **points to AC and Anastasia dramatically** THEY DID IT!
**AC and Anastasia freeze**
AC: Uh oh.
Anastasia: Now would be a good time to run…
**Heero and Duo chase AC and Anastasia away at weapon-point**
Daniel and Jamie: **still hyper and bouncing** Please review! ^_^