Author: Emilie
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy and Co and I don't own the plot for the Evil dead or Ash.
Distribution: http://www.emiliekitten.com and MIA if you want it.
Notes: This is for Rich. You asked for it. Its the biggest piece of crap but maybe you'll laugh. Its set in the Summer after graduation. . . we'll say before Xander went on his roadtrip. Also, in Evil dead 2 ASh never got sucked into the portal at the end and stayed at the cabin to protect people. I haven't seen the movies in over a year so it probably doesn't follow the plot.
Answer to Rich's challenge # 3 I think.
This is pure satire.
~*~
Willow, Xander, Oz, and Buffy pulled up to the old rickety cabin. They got out, Xander holding a large duffle bag and shading his eyes from the sun that was pouring through the trees. "This is great Will! I can't believe your families been holding back on this cabin all those years."
Willow smiled at her friend, pulling off her pink sun glasses. "Well, Mom and Dad never wanted to come up here. It was some great uncles. They were doing a research project or something up here."
"Right." Buffy said, rolling her eyes. "The Rosenbergs and their science." She threw her puffy sleeping bag over one shoulder, and hefted a cooler in the other hand. They all followed Willow up to the front porch where she checked her pockets for the keys, finally pulling them out of the last pocket she'd checked for the second time.
Oz was holding his two suitcases as well as a large bag of groceries that basically hid his face. He nearly stumbled over a old fashioned tape player as they walked into the dusty room after Willow opening the front door open. Xander snatched the bag from him, "careful man! Gotta protect the snack foods." After checking to make sure his Ho-ho's were alright he helped Oz up off of the ground.
"Sorry." Oz commented, dusting himself off. He squatted down next to the tape player. "Wonder what this is."
Willow came out from the back bedroom where she had been opening windows. She moved next to her boyfriend to inspect the tape player. "Dunno. Looks really old."
Oz hit the little green 'play' button. The voice of an older man came through, in some strange tongue. Willow stared at Oz as he started saying strange words. Oz glanced at her. "Wonder what he's saying?"
"Sounds old. . . Arabic maybe. . . "
Suddenly a man came screaming from a trap door in the floor, flailing a chain saw. Willow screamed bloody murder and fell backwards and Oz jumped protectively in front of her. Xander cuddled the box of Twinkies he'd been invading closer and let out a scream, spewing Twinkie cream every where. The man started jumping up and down and ran at Oz and Willow with the chain saw, Willow could just barely make out the guttural growl in Oz's throat as he crouched in front of her. She closed her eyes as the chain saw came down and. . .
Cut the tape player in half. Slicing off the strange dialect. Buffy came flying into the room with a frying pan and hit the chainsaw holding guy over the head. He dropped the chainsaw which automatically turned off, and fell backwards against her. They both tumbled to the floor, Buffy let out a little yelp of surprise.
"What the hell?" Came from under the mans body as the blonde struggled to get out from under him.
~*~
"He looks like the King of Thieves on Xena! Atolocus, right?" Willow exclaimed after they'd retrieved their lost slayer from underneath the man.
"Minus a hand." Xander said, pointing to the bloody stump.
Willow made a face. "Ew."
Oz was staring the the guy, sitting back on his haunches. "Something's off about him." He said, openly sniffing the air around the guy. "This place. Something. . . evil."
Buffy threw up her hands. "What a shocker, the Slayer and her scoobys have evil follow them!"
Xander gave her a sorrowful stare and offered her a coke which she took. He opened a packet of pop rocks. "Dare ya."
"No way. It'll make my stomach blow up." Xander snorted and downed the packet then snatched the opened coke from her, gulping half of it down before she could object. He let out a loud belch and patted his stomach. "Iron, y'know."
"Like your head, y'know." Buffy growled, taking back her soda and moving to the dusty couch to try and find a place to sit.
Suddenly the man on the floor came too, he sat straight up screaming. Willow fell backwards on her butt, Oz jumped forward to shove the guy back down. "Get out! Evil!! They'll kill you! Possess you!"
"Woah, calm down there." Oz said, keeping a hand on the mans chest.
He blinked at Oz and then glanced at the others. "Who are you?"
"I'm Willow Rosenberg, this is Oz, Buffy, and Xander." Willow said, indicating each as she said their names. "Who are you?"
"Ash." He ran his good hand through his greasy looking hair. His eyes
looked frantic.
"Huh. Deja vu." Buffy mumbled from the couch. Everyone turned to stare
at her. "What? I just seem to have a strange sense of knowing the name
Ash."
All four of the other shrugged. "What were you doing here? All Texas
chainsaw murderer?" Xander said, moving his arms in a mimic of killing
with a chainsaw. Willow glared at him.
"I. . . was protecting. . . they'll come. The tape. If you play the
tape. . . Gotta get out before sunset! It played!"
"Huh?" Xander said, moving his finger around his head in a little coo-koo
movement.
"Y'know. Maybe we should just go to the beach next time like I suggested?"
Buffy said, batting away a mosquito. Seemingly undisturbed by Ash's dark
warnings.
"Arint you afraid?" Ash said, jumping up and flapping his arms around.
"Of what?"
Willow asked standing up.
"The dead! They'll rise and possess you! They'll kill you! They made
me cut off my own hand!" The last bit was a scream of anguish as Ash threw
his stump up in the air.
Buffy shrugged. "Dead I can handle." She pulled out a stake and began
cleaning out underneath her finger nails.
Xander sidled up next to Ash. "Cut off your own hand huh?"
Ash stared at Xander dumbfounded. "Yeah."
"I saw that in a movie once. Funniest thing. . . bout this guy and
his hand was possessed. He ended up throwing his cat out the window and
killed his parents. . . and his two best friends. Funny shit." Everyone
was staring at Xander.
"Well it was! What was that movie? Immobile hands? Uncooperative hands.
. . "
"Idle hands." Oz offered.
Xander clapped him on the back. "Right."
"So we have till sunset to haul out, huh?" Willow asked, carrying her
suitcase into the main room and unzipping it. Revealing all sorts of scooby
gang goodies. Holy water, stakes, crosses, dusty old books, Twinkies and
orange soda.
"Yes. Then they'll come."
"Great, I was really starting to think this weekend was gonna be a
yawner." Buffy said, sitting down next to Willow and pulling out her favorite
stake. "Mister Pointy was starting to go impotent.
~*~
"Well that was restful!" Buffy said, yawning and moving out on
to the sunlit porch the next morning. "I guess we better start getting
back." Willow came out beside her and smiled. "I don't think I've ever
slept so good, y'know after we got rid of those demons in the basement."
"Yeah. What kinda demons were those? They were so easy! A little fire
and poof. Kinda makes me home sick, at least Sunnydale has worthy undead."
"Tell me about it." Oz said, coming out and trying again to carry much
of the luggage again. Willow took two of the suitcases from him and they
headed to the van.
"Sure you won't come with us Ash? I'm sure Giles would like to meetcha."
Xander was saying, holding the trash bag full of Twinkie and cupcake wrappers.
Ash was with him with his chainsaw.
"Naw. I think I'm kinda used to it up here. Don't want anyone to stumble
on the cabin."
Buffy nodded. "Right, well we'll probably be seein' ya next summer."
"Alright. See you then." Ash turned and then saw a white flutter in
the distance. "Hey Linda! Wait! LLIIINDA!!" He revved up his chainsaw and
took off running. The four scoobies watched him go.
"What a nice fella." Xander commented, crawling into the back of the
van.
"He was, wasn't he." Willow said, getting into the passenger seat.
With that they pulled away from the old cabin, and began singing 'this
land is your land'.
~*~End~*~