FanFiction.Net

AN:More dark, angstiness. I don't know sometimes. I didn't mean for it to be so deep. Oh well. Most of my writing comes out like this anyways, so I suppose it's just up to standards. As for the grammar and such, this word proccessor doesn't have spell check. I can't do it alone. Anyone interested in beta-reading email me.Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up sooner than I had this one up. Hopefully.


The Life, Love, and Times of James Potter
Chapter Six: Bittersweet Redemption


I lay there all night thinking about that dream. God I wish it wasn't been me. Of all the people on Earth to torment, why the damn hell am I the one everyone chooses. Even I torment myself.... I sighed, rolled over, and saw my trunk. My trunk had a knife in it. A knife. No. You are a surviver. Remember? Survive. Whoever the damn hell you are, go away. I don't care where, just go away. I can't go. I was sent to guide you. Well, I don't need your help, whoever....whatever you are. Ah, confused are we? Fine. I give up. "Help" away. I just wanted to remind you of the pact you made with yourself, and with me. With you? Yes, with me. By being born......Godric? Yes. Godric Gryffindor. And I am going to follow you around until the day you join me. You've proven that you can't be trusted to be left alone. Great. Just great. Can't you give me one more chance? I mean, I'm thrilled to know someone cares, but I don't want the spirit of my distant relative there while I piss. Maybe. You're really starting to creep me out.....and that's realy hard to do, considering I do stuff like this frequently... Fine, you can have one more chance. Don't disapoint me. Sir, yes, sir! Stupid kid, nice but stupid.....

"Like that made me feel any better...."

I sighed once more and rolled out of bed. Almost catlike, as if I thought someone would come and take what little freedom I had if they knew, I walked to the window. Full moon. God, I'm sorry, Re-no I'm not. I never wanted to become an animagus....I never liked prowling around at the full moon.....I don't know if I even really like you....James Potter. Good actor. Bad friend.

Then I decided to draw. When all else fails, I draw. I love painting, and I love poetry, too. I'm not really the macho jock guy I have to act like in public. I don't even really like Quidditch all that much. There's no point to it. It doesn't create something beautiful, it doesn't stop the Dark Lord, it's not even entertaining. Just a bunch of idiots flying around hurting themselves. I thought back to me and Severus playing Swivenhodge. Neither of us really liked physical activity that much.Sometimes we'd race, too. Nothing so dangerous as Quidditch. If it weren't for the fact that I need to fit in I would quit the team. And get rid of those freaks I have to call friends. I know all about Sirius and Lily's little "games". I'm not stupid. I would have known If I hadn't read it from them. Lucky that with them I have some control and don't go blabbing in their minds.....

After a long train of murderous thoughts, I finally fell asleep. I thought maybe I could say I was feeling feverish get a ption for dreamless sleep for the next night. It was the first thing that crossed my mind when I woke up. Stop the dreams. The dreams are ruining me. He's getting to me. Can't let him get to me. Have to stop the dreams. Can't go on hating my friends. They aren't evil. They aren't trying to kill me. They aren't even playing with my heart. the only thing they play with is.....well, that's not really the point. The point is, I'm losing control, and I desperately need it back. Oh, I know I need it back! Good sign! Out with the bad and in with the good! Out with the bad and in with the good!

"James? Are you okay? A guard said he heard you scream last night, but a lot of poeple respect you too much to interupt, including him."

"Yeah, Snidget. I'm fine now. You're just going to have to get used to the screaming. My dreams are frequently haunted with horrible images of my own death. Typically, each is more gruesome than the last."

"Oh, you poor baby!"

I felt my face flush, and hoped it wasn't more than a tinge. "It's okay. After a while you get used to it. At least I have. Actually, by now I typically know that it's fake. It was probably just because I was in a different surrounding. You know what I mean?"

"I don't know, Jamie....If only there were something I could do!"

"Trust me. It's okay. I....wait. There is something you can do. Give me a potion for dreamless sleep every night."

"Will it work?"

"I used to take one at Hogwarts. Slept like a baby. A really big, stupid baby, but a baby none the less."

"You are not big and stupid! Um...er...you're not stupid....I don't know about the big part."

This time I knew I blushed. Then I leaned in and kissed her. She made no move of resistance. After a long and passionate kiss in which I almost thought our souls were melding, I realized who I was kissing. I pulled back, shocked and ashamed at what I had done.

"What's wrong, James?"

"I...I've got a girlfriend...."

"You obviously don't care that much...."

I then noticed that the door was locked and the curtains drawn closed.

"Jamie, no one would ever know...."

"I would....."

"But you want to. It shows. Your girlfriend can't care that much, or you wouldn't be looking like that." She leaned in close and kissed my cheek. Soft and warm.... Soon I gave in. Gave in to pleasures I had been trying to denounce. Gave in to something that would surely shame me. But we never got that far. Some one knocking on the door interrupted and I was saved from my own sins...