Inspired by Yoshizumi Wataru's Marmalade Boy
Chapter 4: Aftermath of a Kiss
They were kissing.
Chiyako could hear her heart pounding, could feel the crackle of electricity surge along her spine and out through her extremities. Not a new feeling; she had kissed guys before. But prior experience didn't make the sensation any less thrilling.
Jin's lips were soft and dry, and, even at this late hour, she caught a whiff of aftershave. Chiyako felt a tingle along her spine. She inhaled his scent, savoring it. All of her senses were focused on this moment. The outside world faded leaving only the two of them, locked in the caress.
And then, after mere seconds that felt like minutes, realization, like a coiled snake, penetrated through to her consciousness. They were kissing.
They were kissing!
Chiyako sprung back, pressing herself into the chair. Her eyes snapped open to see Jin's bewildered face. Never had she felt such embarrassment, such mortification. Unable to continue facing him, she averted her eyes. Now she was looking straight at Rumi's bed. Even worse.
"Jin-" she started, then stopped, unable to use such implied familiarity. What could she say? "Koishika-" again her voice faltered. Chiyako gritted her teeth, willing herself not to cry. There's nothing you can say, fool!
She tried for a moment to disregard his presence, to focus only on herself. It was futile: they were sitting far too close in a room that was far too small. Not trusting her voice, Chiyako stood up, inched away while staring intently at the floor all the time. It almost certainly looked idiotic, but no place in the room felt safe. Her roommates possessions, and even her own, all served to remind her just whom this man belonged to.
"Chi-" Jin began.
It wasn't safe to listen to him either. She couldn't handle that just now.
Interrupting, she cried out. "I'm sorry, I. . ." once more her mind froze up on her. She racked her brain for something to say, anything at all. Oh my, look at the time, gotta run was all that came to mind. Her eyes strayed back to Jin. He was about to say something.
"Jin." she repeated, if only to stop him. His mouth snapped shut. Chiyako wished vainly for some magic phrase, which if spoken would cancel out what had just happened and twist the whole mess to a happy ending. If only this was a TV program, then she could have a commercial break to figure out what her next line should be.
Jin was still looking at her, waiting. Almost without thinking, Chiyako turned and fled.
She raced down the stairs two at a time, using the railing to pivot about the corner. In one fluid motion, she caught up her shoes and, still in her slippers, flew through the door. Out on the street, she spun into the first available alleyway. Was he following her? She couldn't risk looking back. Faster and faster she ran, switching roads and alleys at random, hoping her twisted path would deter him from following.
About ten minutes into her escape, Chiyako was completely winded. She could run no further and held on to a fence as she gasped for air. Ignoring the pounding of her own heart and the blood rushing in her ears, Chiyako strained to hear the sounds of someone running after her, of Jin calling her name. Idiot, she told herself, as if he'd want follow anyone like me.
But he's so kind, another part of her protested, he listens, he's nonjudgmental.
As if any of that matters now. What must he think of her?
Her ego continued whipping off self accusations, leaving Chiyako an opportunity to look about her. She was missing a slipper - it must have dropped off during the escape. Her face felt wet. She touched her cheek. Tears? Chiyako became aware that people were staring at her, discretely and in a way that they could pretend not to if she caught their eyes.
She tossed her head, angry. She slid her hurting feet into the sandals she'd been carrying, and deposited the lone slipper in a trash can with as much nonchalance as she could muster. On she strode, a steely look on her face. Recognizing the intersection ahead of her, she turned right, heading for the university park. She needed a quiet place, somewhere she could just stop and think.
She soon found a bench situated by a fountain in front of a playground. The area was thankfully empty at this time of night. Finding comfort in her solitude, Chiyako finally allowed her shoulders to sag.
What a fool. What an idiot. What a jerk she'd been! Chiyako forced herself to stop. She could go on like this for the entire night, and it wouldn't change anything. What was important was the present and the future, not the past.
Well, first off, she was definitely going to have to find a new roommate. No way Rumi would forgive kissing her boyfriend. Her mind strayed slightly as a thought struck her. Had she done that to spite Rumi, to hurt her for her "holier than thou art" attitude? Or had she done it to prove to herself that none of the things Rumi had said mattered? That Chiyako didn't need anyone's approval or good will? Hadn't she, by her actions, more than fulfilled Rumi's character accusations?
NO! A voice cried within her. If I truly was that rotten, that worthless, would Jin have listened to me, held me like that?
She found herself replaying the events of the evening in her mind. Jin's attention, his candid responses, his unprejudiced manner when she told him about her mother, the way he held her when she cried. Letting her memories pause there, Chiyako felt herself go warm. She had felt so secure, protected by his arms.
But lurking beneath those feelings had been powerful desire. Chiyako could no longer deny it, she had been physically attracted to Jin from the first time she caught him watching her in class. Seeing the love between him and her roommate, she had renounced those temptations, or had at least told herself she had.
But alone in her room with Jin, she had to acknowledge the truth. She wanted to kiss him, wanted to hold him. And knowing it was wrong, that she would regret it, only made her want it more.
It put her in mind of her sixth grade class trip to the Tokyo tower. Standing at the top, the city stretching out below her, Chiyako had been gripped by wicked, wild fancies. Before they were allowed to enter the elevator, her class had received lengthy speeches from both their tour guide and their own teacher about the dangerous power a coin would have if dropped from the top. It could crack cement, they were told, and if it could crack cement, imagine the appalling effects if it fell have on a person.
Her teacher looked the each student carefully in the eyes, willing them to accept the great responsibility of keeping their loose change in their pockets. For Chiyako, feeling the breeze from so high up, the risk of censure made contemplating the act more all the more tantalizing. She remembered fingering a 10 Yen coin. All she'd have to do was to give it a toss, and then. Then everything would change.
It wasn't that she wanted to hurt anyone, or even split the pavement. It was just, standing there, she could clearly see two paths diverging from one another, one where she pushed the coin through the protective wire so it could fall to the earth, where she was caught, punished, marked for the rest of her life as a immoral and disobedient girl, and one where she simply got on the elevator and her destiny's path remained unaltered. Here was a chance to change everything, to step out of the confines of her carefully managed world.
Over the course of her life, she sometimes felt similar impulses, usually in the presence of danger. All those times she had resisted, and the chance would simply pass on and cease to exist.
But tonight, just like that trip to the Tokyo Tower, was different. Back then, the sixth grade Chiyako returned the coin to her bag and walked dutifully to the elevator. But then, at the last possible minute, just as the door began to open, she reached for her new camera, bought especially for the trip, and in the most of natural gestures, flung it over the barrier gate.
It spun in a lazy arch and would have made a glorious descent all the way to the ground had not the strap caught on a protruding bolt. There the camera hung, clear evidence of her guilt, until a guard rushed over with a pole-mounted hook to retrieve it.
The whole spectacle had been observed by her teacher, and naturally punishment followed. She was sent home early in disgrace and was forbidden to watch television for a month. They had even made her give a public apology. The young Chiyako dutifully accepted her penalties and suffered all the humiliation that came with them. What she couldn't do, to the infuriation the adults, was to explain why she did what she did.
For all that she wanted to claim credit for the act, it had been unconscious. When temptation was greatest, she had resisted. Her action afterwards had been automatic. It was as if someone else's spirit took command of her body, gratifying desires she knew she couldn't.
Tonight felt the same. She had wanted to kiss Jin so badly when he held her, for any number of reasons: carnal desire, to see his reaction, to prove she could do it, to show everyone that she wasn't just predictable old Chiyako. All these temptations she successfully resisted. And then, when he was comforting her, some part of her had gone and done it anyway.
Just as with the camera, her action had been witnessed, and this time, somebody had been hurt. She had got her wish: no going back to just being old Chiyako. Things were going to have to change.
Things would change. Strangely, Chiyako felt herself smiling with the relief this thought gave her. She couldn't change the past, but she could work on the future. Good. But as she sat there, nothing came to mind. She stared down at her feet and at the shadows cast by herself and the bench, and at the another shadow besides her own.
Chiyako looked up and around, suddenly alert. Someone stood just a few feet behind her. It was Matsuura Youji.
He was instantly apologetic.
"Namuki-san, I'm sorry to startle you. I usually walk by this way, it's not far from my apartment, and I recognized you. I would have said something, but you seemed so wrapped up in you thoughts, I didn't want to impose." He appeared so flustered that Chiyako's fear began to recede.
"So you were just standing there, watching me." She said, her voice level.
Matsuura now looked even more sheepish, "I'm sorry, but I- Well, I don't think this park is too dangerous, but you never know. I thought, just in case anyone might try to bother you, it might be best if there was a man around. Not that you couldn't have taken care of yourself, but, well. . ."
He ran out of steam, but his explanation did make sense. Matsuura-san was one of those decent guys who would do exactly that. And then Chiyako remembered, Matsuura was the first person she had hurt today, that event setting the stage for all that followed. She suddenly found herself getting embarrassed. He must still be very angry with her. Earlier this evening, she had claimed no responsibility for Matsuura's feelings, but Chiyako didn't have the energy to defend her own actions anymore.
"Matsuura-san," she began, "I'm sorry, about. . " There were so many things she was sorry for. Unable to stop herself, she felt tears starting to well up. What's the deal with this? the tiny impartial part of her brain sneered, I never cry.
"Namuki-san? Are you okay?" Matsuura said his voice filled with honest concern.
Chiyako could only trust herself to nod.
"Namuki-san, if it's about this afternoon, don't feel so bad. It was partly my fault. Really, I'm just fine." He gave her a half smile. Why was he being so nice to her?
"It's not- It's just- It's. . ." The whole situation was so silly. The original object of her wrath didn't even seem angry with her.
Chiyako found herself giggling, then laughing . It mixed with her tears and caused her to start hiccuping. Matsuura's confusion turned to alarm as she hysterically began gulping for air. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her, gently.
"Namuki, Namuki. What's the matter?"
Chiyako could only shake her head while she tried to regain calm. Matsuura released her and sat down next to her on the bench, concern showing on his face. Slowly, the hiccuping subsided. She gathered her thoughts, and began:
"I'm sorry, Matsuura-san. I don't know what happened. You were so concerned about me and it seemed odd. I mean, you should be spitting fire." She looked at his face, free of any complaints, and curiously added, "The day after our date you come to give me flowers only to see me out dating another guy. Aren't you at least miffed?"
"I. . " he shrugged, giving her another one of his sheepish smiles. "At the time I was furious. But then I got to thinking. We just met. You could have made that other date earlier. And if you had, well, it's not something you would have brought up on our date is it?
"But, regardless, I think I was being a bit over-expectant. I mean, you're a beautiful woman. Any guy would want to date you. I was just too enthusiastic after one date. I really feel foolish about it now. " He paused, smiling endearingly. "I'd love to go out with you again, but it's your decision. No harm done, right?"
"Not exactly." Chiyako half laughed.
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, I got into a fight with Rumi over it, she moved out, Jin came over and I got him mad at me too. Quite the day, don'tcha think?"
Matsuura's eyes turned big as saucers. "We have to do something about this."
Chiyako just shook her head. "Nothing to be done."
"What do you mean, You aren't still mad at them, are you?"
"Of course not," was her reply, and she was pleased to find that she meant it. "But I'm sure they aren't too pleased with me."
"Well, then it's simply a matter of apologizing," Matsuura said in a perfectly self assured voice, "Sure they might be upset now, but I bet they'll forgive you. Koishikawa-san seems reasonable enough, and I know Yamashita-san won't hold a grudge. Especially if I let them know that I'm no longer hurt."
"You're being overly optimistic. It was a bad fight I had with Rumi," Chiyako decided not to even mention what had happened with Jin, "She said some things about me which are actually quite correct. I don't think apologizing will change me in her eyes."
This didn't seem to deter Matsuura-san, "What things?"
Chiyako sighed.
"Well, I was being a two timer. I did lead you on. I've never committed to dating a single guy. I play the field. I'm not serious with a man's feelings. I-"
"Hey," he cut her off, "You shouldn't get serious about someone unless you truly feel something for them. Right?"
"But I've never given any guy a chance. How would I know?" This was not her usual side of the argument, but it had been a strange day. At this very moment, Chiyako found herself unsure of even long held beliefs.
"Well," Matsuura paused, as if giving this last confession deep consideration. Then he barked a quick laugh, "Simple solution. Choose some guy and give him a chance. See if you feel differently after dating him seriously for say, a month or so. Logical experiment, evaluate the results and see if you're right or if Rumi is."
She had to laugh, he was so upbeat.
Nodding enthusiastically, he continued "So now you only have to pick the test subject. How about Hirokazu-san?"
"Most definitely not. One date with him was more than enough." Chiyako gave Matsuura a sideways glance, and on impulse proposed, "How about you?"
"Me?" He flinched back. "I- Look, Namuki-san, you don't have to. You don't have to take pity on me. I'm fully recovered."
"I'm not taking pity on you." She now looked him straight in the eyes, "I like spending time with you, honest. Besides, you're the one who proposed the experiment."
Matsuura dropped his eyes and seemed to consider this. When he looked up, he regained some of his customary self-confidence.
"All right. One month, and we'll see how this works out. But I have one condition."
"Name it," she commanded.
"See if you can make up with Yamashita-san and Koishikawa-san."
"I don't think-" Chiyako began.
He waved her objection off dismiss, "Just try, that's all I ask. Start with Yamashita-san. If you can convince her, then Koishikawa-san will be no problem."
Chiyako nodded agreement, stifling a clamor of internal protests. It was unlikely that the arrangement would work, but Matsuura looked so positive, and she had been miserable for enough of the day.
He offered to walk her home, and along the way he talked of everything but Rumi and Jin. Matsuura-san was polite, witty, and nicer than most guys she could remember, certainly better than that Hirokazu creep. And Unlike Rumi and Koishikawa, he didn't seem to hold her to some lofty standards. It felt nice to be accepted and not to be measured by provincial, old fashioned requirements.
With Matsuura she could be herself. No, that wasn't correct. With Matsuura she could be the sophisticated, cosmopolitan woman she wanted to project herself as. Maybe she did want a steady boyfriend. It often felt lonely here at University. Maybe that's why she'd made the pass at Jin, because as much as she scoffed at Rumi for being tied down to one person, there was a safety in that.
With Matsuura she could become the person she wanted to be.
******
It had been raining when Jin woke up Monday morning. It wasn't a hard rain, almost not worth bringing an umbrella to class. He was glad that he had, the sky had remained dismal and the rain continued to fall, never harder than a light drizzle, but always constantly there.
In a perverse way, Jin was glad for it. Its slow, dreary and yet continuous pace dulled his senses allowing him to go through the day pretty much on autopilot. Jin's feelings were a tangled mess, and he was glad for anything that allowed him to ignore them.
He sat in the entryway of his apartment, removing his shoes. Soon he'd have to see Rumi, and it caused his stomach to turn with discomfort. They had met briefly on Sunday, but she had a lab report due this week which kept her at the library most of the day. He took a deep breath, he couldn't put this off any longer.
Well, maybe a bit longer, he pleaded with himself, standing in front of his neighbor's door. No, he had to do this. He hadn't said anything about his first experience with Chiyako and it and slowly snowballed into this whole mess. This latest incident was far more serious, he had to tell Rumi. She had a right to know. More than anything, he hated the thought of manipulating her.
With that, he knocked on the door once, and then again, more forcefully.
"In a second." a female voice sang out from inside.
A moment passed, and then the door was opened to reveal a small young woman. She was wearing a freshly paint splattered smock and had her hair pulled back it an unmannered ponytail.
Seeing Jin, she gave him an open smile, "Hey, Matsuura-san. Looking for Yamashita-kun?" she asked in a low throaty voice
When he nodded, she smiled more, eyes twinkling mischievously. "You, my dear friend, are bound for great disappointment. She is not currently in residence, having returned to her former place of abode to gather some possessions. Shall I alert her of your erstwhile search?"
"That would be most kindly appreciated ." replied Jin, matching her formality. Fukutani Yayoi was one of the strangest people he had met at college. She explained her weirdness was a byproduct of being a sixth year theater/art major, with no intention of graduating until her parents forced her to.
"Ooo Kay." she used English, pronouncing each syllable separately and gave him a wink as he left.
Fukutami's style was similar to Namuki's in that they both reveled in behaving in modern, nontraditional ways. But Fukutami's antics were just humorous, whereas Namuki's made him uneasy and uncomfortable. Why did Namuki's forwardness and brashness have such an effect on him? Possibly it was because he'd seen such a different side of her that night. He had seen her outward self-confidence crumble like a facade, revealing a vulnerable and easily hurt woman. It had surprised him, seeing that hidden Chiyako, so fragile and unsure. Maybe his actions had confused her, maybe he'd somehow been at fault.
No, he shook his head. He had not initiated the kiss. But he hadn't done anything to stop it either. And then she had run out, giving no explanation. Damnit, she owed him that much, at least.
Which one was real - Namuki, brazen and self-righteous, or Chiyako, unprotected and alone? Had she really needed a friend that night, or was he being made a fool of?
His uncertainty was why he'd been reluctant to talk to Rumi about the incident the whole weekend. Well, he wouldn't put it off any longer. Tonight he'd tell her the whole story.
He entered his room and stared out the window. There was a puddle along the rim. He wiped it off, and was about to leave to inform the landlord with a voice emerged from the lump of bed covers which he had assumed to be an unmade bed.
"Koishikawa-san," it rumbled, "There's a letter for you, on the table. Wake me at 4:00 will you."
Jin glanced at his watch, "It's already 4:15."
"Whatttt!!!" From underneath the covers, a figure emerged fully clothed, and moved like lightning for the door, "Oh no, the movie starts at 7:30."
"But wait," said Jin in a puzzle voice, "you can walk to the theater in no time. What's the rush."
"Premiere man, premiere." and that was all Jin heard as his roommate rushed out the door.
Sighing, Jin sat down and looked at the letter, it looked like a female's hand, but it wasn't Rumi's. Curiosity mixed with dread filled him as he slit it open and unfolded it. He scanned it once and then read it more carefully a second time:
Dear Koishikawa-san,
I am writing to apologize for my actions on Saturday night. There was no excuse and so I won't try to give one. Furthermore, I do not ask for your forgiveness as I do not deserve it.
All I ask is that you allow me to try to change myself. I've talked to Matsuura-san and we have decided to start dating seriously. I'm not sure how well this will work out, but I have been honest with my feelings with him and will continue to be so.
I have also resolved to ask Rumi to forgive me and to come back and be my roommate. I am doing this because I honestly like her and like being around her, and not in any hopes of pursuing you.
You must believe me in this. I believe in the strength and steadfastness of your love for each other and will not try to end that. If you choose to avoid me, I will understand completely.
Finally, let me thank you for your support on Saturday night. Knowing your kindness makes me both more ashamed of my actions and more determined to be a better person.
Namuki Chiyako
While reading the note for the third time, the phone rang. Picking it up absentmindedly, Jin said,
"Hello, This is Koishikawa."
"Jin, it's Rumi," said an excited voice on the other end, "Sorry I stood you up last night, but I found out I had totally skipped a section on the report. As of this morning it is completely done and turned it."
"That's great." he said, his eyes still on the letter.
"How was your evening?" she asked coyly. "You told me you might spend it getting to know your roommate better."
"Well," replied Jin as tactfully as possibly, "There was definitely a cultural exchange going on. I told him about growing up in the country and what we really thought of tourists. And he explained the difference between a Gundam something and a Gundam something or other. I forget, but it seemed quite important at the time."
"I'm sure."
"Hey, where are calling from anyway? Are you at Fukutami-san's?"
"Actually, no, I'm at my apartment. You're not going to believe it, but I've decided to move back in with Chiyako."
"Really?" was all he could think to say.
Rumi's voice did not go defensive, but it did quiet down a bit. "I know this seems out of the blue. But I really have thought it through. We both have, actually. Chiyako and I had a long talk today, a real talk. She told me quite a few things about herself, and I think I understand her better now. I'm not saying that we won't have any more problems, but I think we can make this thing work."
For his part Jin, was silent. His mind was still pondering the letter, and now there was Rumi's news to contend with. He didn't trust himself to speak. Rumi sighed and said;
"This is something I have to do for myself as well, Jin, and it's something I want to do. Even if I get hurt, learning to live with a stranger is a valuable skill. I can't give up after a single fight. You see that, don't you?" there was a pleading edge to her voice that told Jin she wasn't as sure as her words made her out to be. One word from him would stop her, would cause her to break any contact with Chiyako.
But Jin knew that if he did that, it wouldn't be for Rumi's sake, but his own. He didn't have the right to force Rumi into moving all her things and finding a new roommate because of his mistake.
"I do, Rumi. I think you're right to give it another chance."
"Really, you honestly mean that?" He could hear the relief in Rumi's voice.
"Yes, yes I do." Despite all logic, Jin found he was being completely truthful. They talked for a bit more, and then signed off.
After returning the phone to the receiver, Jin returned his attention to the letter. He read it again. Heaven help him, but he actually believed Chiyako, which didn't make any sense. She had given him every reason to distrust her. If she was truly as manipulative and he had previously suspected, then this would be precisely the letter that she would write.
Maybe his desire to trust her was too strong. But the other night, he was so sure that she had opened up to him and he wanted to believe that beneath the cool and sophisticated shell, was a Chiyako like the one he had seen.
Believe if you like, he told himself, but don't go near her. With that he had to agree completely. He owed it to Rumi. Above all, he would not hurt Rumi.
The rest of the evening was spent finishing work he had planned to do that weekend. It went okay, but somewhere in the back of his mind, something was nagging him. He had almost gotten to sleep when it finally occurred to him - He hadn't told Rumi about Saturday night.
Idiot! But how could he tell her now? He should have told her on the phone. But he had told her to go ahead and move back in. What would she think of him then? And whatever Namuki had told her, it couldn't have been the whole truth. So which parts had Chiyako left out?
Jin was fully awake now and knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep for some time. Well, now more than ever, he'd have to be sure to stay away from Namuki. Of that much, he was certain.
copyright Kim Smuga-Otto 1999