Inspired by Yoshizumi Wataru's Marmalade Boy
Chapter 5: The Tennis Captain Makes His Move
Rumi studied herself in the mirror. An experimental pirouette confirmed her suspicions. The team tennis skirt was short. Terribly short. She made a mental note not to bend over to pick up tennis balls. And serves, nothing too energetic until she purchased some of those gym shorts she saw the other girls in the locker room wearing.
Her mother would be scandalized, or at least Rumi hoped she might be. Growing up, Rumi had always longed after the fashionable clothes of her school friends, but her parents had insisted that she dress "modestly" until she graduated. Actually it was quite weird the way they changed their tone recently. The night before the ceremony she was still their little girl, and the day after she became the unmarried daughter, which in their minds was not an altogether appropriate state.
The hints were becoming less and less subtle. Mother had started sending clippings from classmate's weddings, underlining details so Rumi could start planning.
She had made light of it to Jin, but deep down it worried her. No matter how much she loved Jin, Rumi wanted to get married because it was right for her, not because it was what her parents wanted. Back home, she'd felt like her life wasn't on her own. It was part of the reason she had chosen a college far from home, so she could become someone on her own. One thing was certain, she was becoming someone who looked damn good in a tennis outfit. Now if only she could play better.
It was just her luck that for her first match she'd be scheduled to play against the captain of the tennis team, and not even in doubles. But it wasn't something she could contest, her being a freshman and all.
Walking onto the court, it wasn't hard to pick out her opponent. The best word to describe Hirokazu Nibashi was dashing. Almost six feet tall with incredible eyes, he reminded Rumi of a movie star she'd had a crush on in middle school. Whenever he smiled, he sparkled.
As if on cue, Hirokazu turned and graced her with one of those smiles. Rumi froze, fighting the urge to return to the locker room. Don't be a silly fool, she chastised herself, it's not like you didn't know who he was.
It was unjustified, but deep down, Rumi blamed the tennis captain for the horrible events of two weeks ago. Logically she knew Chiyako had accepted the date with him of her own free will, that Matsuura-kun had just accidentally seen them leave together, and that everything that followed had nothing to do with Hirokazu at all. Still, whispered a voice, that date was the catalyst. Without it, the chain reaction of temper clashes would never have come out.
No, Rumi knew that to be false. Their personalities and false expectations had all the characteristics of an exothermic reaction with its starting products destined to break down. Although it might have been more gradual, less violent.
As it was, things had pretty much worked themselves out. Chiyako and Matsuura seemed to be getting along well. And Rumi felt she and her roommate were becoming real friends. There hadn't been any more double dates; Jin kept making excuses, but otherwise things were going great.
She shouldn't worry about Hirokazu; it wasn't like Chiyako had any intention of dating him again. Chiyako had made that perfectly clear, although she hadn't wanted to discuss the particulars of the date.
So Rumi should just treat this as a normal match against a normal opponent. One that she was going to lose, big time. Oh, why couldn't play as well as her looked?
With trepidation, Rumi walked out to meet her opponent.
"Yamashita-san." he acknowledged her warmly, "Good to see you. I've been looking forward to this match."
Rumi returned his bow and found herself blushing. "You might not think that after the game, Hirokazu-san. I'm not terribly good at tennis."
"Oh, I'm sure you're being modest." He looked her squarely in the eyes as he assured her, and she had to fight the impulse to agree with him. It reminded her of her father's earnest stare. It would be so easy, so familiar, to just agree with him. So contrary to what she wanted. Steeling herself, she replied:
"Actually, no. I'm really quite a poor tennis player. I know the rules, but I can't even serve overhand. I'm sorry, I fear that I shall be no challenge for you except in the matter of patience."
There, she had said it. The ball was in his court, so to speak.
She watched as Hirokazu's face became puzzled, but then it took on the its former decisiveness.
"Well, you know, we don't have to do a real match. Let's just practice on your technique."
"Oh, I couldn't. To ask you to do such a thing, No, it's too much bother."
The upperclassman smiled gently, "It's not a bother at all. I've done a lot of instructing, I enjoy it quite a bit. The reason I'm president of the circle is I like getting others into the sport."
He seemed so sincere that Rumi found herself relaxing. No pressure to perform, and no feeling frustrated when she did poorly. She might even learn something.
Hirokazu turned out to be an excellent instructor, pointing things out to Rumi that she hadn't even known she'd been doing wrong. They spent almost a half-hour on her serve alone. Then they moved on to her backhand, which Rumi had always been uncomfortable with. Ten minutes to the end of scheduled time, they actually volleyed the ball back and forth. The president was being quite reserved in his style, but regardless, Rumi knew she had improved.
"I owe it all to you," she told him honestly when he complimented her afterwards. "I really don't know how to thank you."
"The pleasure was mine, Yamashita-san." he assured her, "But if you want to repay me, I know a delightful restaurant nearby. Would you care to join me?"
Rumi froze. A date?! She could feel her cheeks flushing as she tried to compose her thoughts. First he asks Chiyako out, and now her. Was his goal to date the entire freshman class?
Tossing her head, she let her voice take on a most arrogant tone, "We just met, I don't think that's appropriate. I don't know the first thing about you." Except that Chiyako flushed your roses down the toilet, not a good sign.
He seemed taken aback. "I thought this might be a good way for us to become better acquainted."
The gall! "I'm afraid you were mistaken then. While I appreciate all the help you've given me, I already have a boyfriend. I believe in dating only one person at a time."
Rumi added extra emphasis to the last statement. Maybe he'll get the hint. But when she turned to give him a meaningful glance, she found Hirokazu grinning like a Cheshire cat.
"What?" she asked. Had her words accidentally implied some lewd innuendo? She'd be so embarrassed if they had.
"Oh nothing. Nothing at all." his eyebrows raised slightly and his eyes dropped momentarily. Rumi found herself wishing for a much longer skirt. He continued, "It's just that you have more energy than I had expected, Yamashita-san. It's a good thing really. I like girls with spirit."
"Did you hear anything I said?"
"Oh, absolutely. You're going to be a challenge. I adore challenges."
He bowed , never dropping his eyes, spun about quickly, and left the court. Rumi watched him go, and under her breath whispered, "Sicko."
She continued to feel disgusted with him while she took a shower. She cooled down a bit as she changed into street gear. Now she found herself being merely flabbergasted by his audacity and cluelessness. The more she thought about it, the more ludicrous the situation became.
It was rather amusing. Hirokazu had been dumped by Chiyako and now he was trying to date her roommate, who was in a serious relationship. The poor guy probably had no idea what a fool he'd seemed. Well, she wasn't about to feel too sorry for him. If she found it humorous, she couldn't wait to tell Jin.
"You just won't believe what happened to me!" Rumi announced as she sat down across from Jin. The restaurant was crowded and Rumi was happy to see that Jin had already found a table.
He looked up from his menu and smiled, "You won your match?"
"Of course not, you know how badly I play."
"Well, you said I wouldn't believe you." he teased her.
She attempted to give him a withering look.
"You know who my opponent was, don't you? Captain Hirokazu-sempi, the one who went out with Chiyako?"
Rumi noticed Jin suppress a flinch at Chiyako's name. Something had happened the night Jin had gone to collect her things. Rumi suspected that Jin had lost his temper and said things he was now ashamed of. Chiyako had been mum on the subject as well, and Rumi, hoping it would blow over, hadn't forced the issue.
Rumi continued her monologue:
"We didn't actually play a game, it was more of a lesson. Hirokazu was behaving perfectly appropriately, until the end. And then he asked me out! Can you believe it, what a playboy!"
"What did you say?" asked Jin in a serious voice.
Rumi looked inquisitively at him. During the pause a waitress started to approach the table. On a wicked impulse, Rumi leaned forward and in a loud whisper said:
"I said I'd love to and kissed him passionately."
The waitress beelined away from the table and Rumi sat back, smiling.
"You're right," she giggled motioning at the retreating waitress, "I've caught CIS, Chiyako Impulsiveness Syndrome. What really happened was I told him I already had a wonderful boyfriend and turned Hirokazu-sempai down. I was rather angry at the time, but in a way he paid me a compliment. And you too, you're dating a highly sought after woman. Bet you didn't know that."
Rumi scanned the restaurant looking for the waitress she'd scared off. Maybe it hadn't been the best whim to indulge in. Jin was giving her a curious look, making Rumi uncomfortable.
"What is it?" she asked, "You aren't jealous are you?"
"Of course not," he avoided her eyes by returning to his menu.
Jin was impossible to read at times like this. Something was obviously bothering him, but what? It could be that he disliked Rumi's making fun of Hirokazu, or maybe he was angry at the forwardness of the tennis coach. It could even be, Rumi thought with hidden glee, that he's worried about losing her as a girlfriend.
With such a host of possibilities, Rumi began a soothing ramble, all the while trying to signal down the waitress. She was finding herself quite hungry by this point.
"It's nothing to get upset about, Jin. He didn't know I was dating anyone, well, actually when I pointed that out he said he didn't care. Really it reflects badly on him, but then he doesn't know anything about our relationship, I suppose he thinks it's just an old high school thing. Anyway," she paused to try to wave down their waitress, failed and tried to regain the train of though.
Jin was drumming his fingers, a sure sign something was on his mind. Still he didn't seem to want to say anything, so Rumi continued:
"It isn't anything to worry about, my telling you about it more than proves it. Now say Hirokazu-san had asked me out and I had never told you. That would indicate that I felt guilty in my subconscious, and that some part of me was attracted to him. And that would be a bad sign. The fact that we can laugh about it over lunch means we have a strong, honest relationship that will last. Right?"
Reluctantly, Jin raised his eyes. He wasn't smiling. He swallowed, obviously about to say something important. And as if on cue, the waitress appeared to take their order.
There was a moment's pause, and Rumi wondered if Jin was going to send her away. But in the end he ordered, as did Rumi. It was beef bowls for both of them, cheap and fast, the best student food.
When the waitress left, Jin seemed even more flustered, and stared out the window.
Rumi signed. Once again, their date had deteriorated and a sense of discomfort had crept in. What had happened to the ease that had always existed between them? It irritated her that what was supposed to be an amusing incident had escalated to this.
"Look Jin," she tried again, "I'm not as good looking as Chiyako, but I'm not bad looking. A lot of guys are looking for girlfriends or even wives, and there's more men at this university then women. Chances are I'm going to get passes made at me, just like I'm sure some women have their eyes on you. You're just going to have to trust me like I trust you, okay?"
"Two beef bowls," announced the waitress.
"Oh thank goodness," cried out Rumi, "You wouldn't believe how hungry I am!"
Jin forgotten, Rumi plunged into her meal.
"Rumi," said Jin, "you're right."
"Of course I am," she agreed between mouthfuls, "What about?"
"You are quite attractive, and there's a lot of guys who would be thrilled to date a girl like you."
Jin took a deep breath and Rumi self-consciously slurped her noodles while she waited.
"Some of them are probably much better than me."
"Jin, what are you saying?"
"Rumi, I'm not sure I'm the best person for you. I think you can do better."
Rumi simply shook her head, unsure what she was hearing.
"Rumi," said Jin, his voice very quiet, deadly serious, "I need you to listen to me. There's something I need to say."
******
Chiyako was in bouncy mood on her way home. Over the weekend, the rain which had been constant throughout most of May, and worn itself out and allowed the sun to show through the clouds. In Chiyako's mind, spring had arrived at last. Along the various sidewalks green sprouts burst out and the flowers blossomed. The cherry trees gave hint of bloom within the week, and the smell of moist earth was everywhere. Most importantly, the chilling bite in the air, present even in the week of good weather when they'd held the picnic, was gone. The long winter's grip was so firm and unwieldy that only by it's passing was it noticeable. And now, with the warm sun still present in the late afternoon, Chiyako wondered how she could have lived in ignorance of its influences.
It was as if everything was flourishing. Her advertising class project had earned high marks and her professor had hinted that she might have a chance at an internship next year. It would be an excellent feather in her cap, impressive to trot out at future interviews.
Socially she was having a blast. Roommate problems were a thing of the past; a real friendship was forming between her and Rumi, closer than any Chiyako had had in high school. They still had their differences, owing mainly to they way they were brought up, but now Chiyako felt comfortable enough to discuss the dissimilarities. There was no longer the constraint of silence binding her, censoring her ability to communicate with the people around her.
She was even honest and carefree with her boyfriend. Youji-kun, as she had started calling him recently, was shaping up to be quite a find. His family was well off and he had quite good taste in restaurants.
The previous weekend his younger sister had come up to spend the day, and she and Chiyako has got along marvelously. Not that Chiyako was worried about his family's opinion of her. It was far too early into the relationship for such thoughts. But then again. . .
Youji was, first and foremost, a gentleman. No groping hands, no trying to manipulate her, no reprimanding her in public or private. And fun to be with, mustn't forget that. When she was with him she hardly ever thought about Koishikawa anymore.
Hardly. Chiyako paused mid pace and looked up the street she was passing. Jin lived in the third building on the right, only a few blocks from her and Rumi. It wouldn't be inconceivable to see him now.
The thought caught her off guard, and she dropped her gaze. Why was she still embarrassed about that evening, that kiss? Jin hadn't told Rumi, and he made no sign to lord it over her. It might as well have not happened for its lack of impact. And yet, she still felt a burning frustration when her mind strayed over the memory.
It was an odd experience for Chiyako. She always tried to live in the present, and to pine over things she couldn't change was not her style. The kiss was just an impulse of the moment, and a stupid one at that.
Fact was, Youji was a far superior beau to Koishikawa. She wouldn't have felt at ease, or the relaxedness with Jin. He was far too exacting, too principled. If she dated someone like that, Chiyako would have always worried that she didn't measure up to his standards. And there would have been the whole roommate mess.
Not worth the effort, she told herself. And then she repeated it out loud to prove that she agreed with the assessment. Tossing her hair to reinforce the point, she headed for home.
There was going to be a marvelous sunset, she suspected. Already the contrail streaks criss-crossing the sky were turning pink. Leisurely, Chiyako strolled, watching as the sun's light highlighted the clouds' underbellies.
Her room was mostly dark when she got home, and Chiyako left the light off, staring at the last parting colors thought the room's row of windows. The actual sunset was hidden behind a nearby apartment building, but around the edges seeped a golden glow, dispersing into the light gray sky. The outline faded to orange and darkened. And then, like a encore performance, it lit up hot ember red in the now darkened sky.
Chiyako smiled with delight, and moved the desk chair to sit down. Behind her, something moved.
The motion sent a ripple up Chiyako's spine and she half jumped, half spun around. A lump unfolded itself from Rumi's futon, still huddled under the blankets.
"Rumi," sighed Chiyako, feeling silly with her relief, "I didn't even realize you were here. Weren't you going to study with Koishikawa-san tonight?"
Absently she flipped on the desk light. Her roommate's hair was disheveled and her cheeks blotchy, like she had just woken up from a long sleep. Her posture and face were anything but rested. Rumi's shoulders were hunched, and she was trembling. More disturbing was the empty, distant look in Rumi's eyes. Chiyako had seen that expression on her mother, and she shuddered at the memory.
"Hon," said Chiyako, concern showing in her voice, "What's wrong?"
"Jin. . . " Her roommate's voice trailed off. Gulping, as if for air, Rumi started again. "Jin. . . .Jin and I. . ."
Her voice went quavery, and the shakes became more profound. Silently, tears began to well up in Rumi's eyes. Not for the first time Chiyako hazarded, noting the streaks striping her cheeks.
Chiyako knelt down besides her, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder. Something bad had happened, and Chiyako prayed it wasn't what she was thinking.
"Rumi-" she began.
"We broke up!" interrupted Rumi, and she broke down sobbing.
Chiyako put her arms around Rumi, comforting her in the manner common to women everywhere. Inside, her stomach was churning. Why break up now? What could have caused a breakup in a six year relationship that had withstood all of high school, and even, she felt a guilty pang, initial college experiences.
"What happened?" asked Chiyako in her most non-intrusive tone as Rumi's sobs died down. "I mean, you don't have to tell me or anything."
Chiyako sat back, looking carefully at Rumi. Her roommate slumped down, like she was drained of energy. Shaking her head sadly, she spoke slowly, in a near whisper.
"I don't know, I don't know. We were just at lunch. Nothing happened, no fight, no warning."
"But he couldn't have just said, let's break up, there had to be a reason." Chiyako persisted. There had to be reason. There has to be another reason, a part of her silently wished.
"He said that there were a lot of more eligible guys around, ones with money and stronger futures. He said I shouldn't just stay with him, I shouldn't limit myself to a provincial boy like him."
Chiyako waited for Rumi to say more. She needed data, info, anything. Seconds inched by while Chiyako held her tongue. The silence proved unbearable and she prodded Rumi with a "Well, what happened then?"
"He left, he put money on the table and . . .left."
"Didn't you go after him?" Didn't you chase him down and demand an answer?
"I, I," surprised realization dawned on her face, "I think I was in shock. I just sat there, trying to figure out what he had said. Chiyako, Jin and I have been friends forever, what did I do wrong?" Rumi's voice rose an octave and she started trembling again.
"I don't know," Chiyako lied. Inside she was fuming. What a bastard, what a male bastard! He'd probably met some floozy and had dumped Rumi without a word of explanation. Just so he could go after some pretty face, he'd given his old girlfriend the heave hoe, and given the most bogus of reasons.
"It was my fault," stated Rumi.
"What?" the self accusation shocked Chiyako out of her private rant.
"It must have been." Rumi insisted, "He must have thought I was interested in Hirokazu-sempai. I wasn't, honest. I don't know why he asked me out. But I'm not interested in the tennis captain, I made it plain to him, and to Jin, that I turned down the date."
"Hirokazu-sempai?" That's right, Rumi had a tennis match with him today. Chiyako had been meaning to warn her roommate of the man's conquest plans, but it had slipped her mind. Sure, Jin had taken advantage of Rumi's feeling of guilt, and took off. Oh, it got her mad!
Taking a hold of the other girl's shoulders, Chiyako gave her a steady look and in her most convincing voice spoke,
"It wasn't your fault, Rumi."
"But-" Rumi protested.
"It wasn't your fault." she repeated, "It was Jin's fault, or. . .someone else's, but it wasn't yours. It wasn't your fault Rumi."
Chiyako leaned forward, hugging her friend. She hadn't been comfortable looking into Rumi's eyes for a moment there, and she knew why. They sat in silence for some time, Rumi quietly sobbing, Chiyako trying to redirect her thoughts from a very dark suspicion.
It was impossible to ignore. It was you, it insisted. She had put doubt in his mind. She took the pure Jin and sullied him so that he fell for the next girl that sauntered by.
Anger boiled inside her. How dare he do that to Rumi? And more quietly, she thought: how could he do that to me?
Soon she felt Rumi's trembling subsiding, and slowly, the girl relaxed. Chiyako gently released her grip, and let her roommate lie back in bed. They spoke brief, lighthearted reassurances, but mental exhaustion had overtaken Rumi, and she drifted off to sleep almost immediately. Chiyako watched for a short time. When she was assured of the girl's slumber, she discreetly rose, turned off the light, and locked the door behind her.
Downstairs, she fastened her shoes and coat. For an instant, as her hand made contact with the main apartment doors, she paused. But her resolution didn't falter; she opened the door and walked out into the fresh night. There was someone she needed to see.
"Quite the interior decorating." commented Chiyako while internally she cursed herself.
On her way over she'd practiced any number of opening lines. You conceited bastard! had been her favorite, although she had also thought of numerous objects to throw. But as she neared his apartment, her conviction waned, and now standing in Jin's doorway, looking into his eyes, she found her spirit had taken flight.
She cast her eyes once more about the room. The words she had spoken, though cowardly, were nevertheless true. Covering every available space were posters and artwork ranging from simple pencil sketches on line ruled notebook paper to an enormous framed piece that seemed to be some sort of movie poster. Their unifying theme was their subject: Robots. Some were stationary while others seemed to be engaged in fist fights. A few dwarfed the humans either standing on them or posing in the foreground.
Jin followed her gaze. He wore an uncomfortable look on his face, which might be due to embarrassment over the wall hangings, or her presence.
"They belong to my roommate," he explained, "He drew most of them actually."
"They're. . .interesting, quite detailed," she admitted while she studied one nearby her. It appeared to be painted on some sort of clear plastic. "Kind of single minded, though."
"Oh," Jin rubbed the back of his head, "actually, he does people as well, or rather women. . .in swimsuits and . . . less. One of our early roommate compromises concerned what was acceptable display material."
"Less?" asked Chiyako, curiously.
"One, as I recall, had nothing but high heals and rabbit ears. Oh, and a magician's wand."
They looked at each other, lips pursed so as to maintain serious faces. Chiyako hadn't seen Jin in over two weeks. He had been avoiding her, and she had let him. They sat on opposite sides of the room for their classes and Jin had canceled on their appointed tennis match. Rumi had tried once or twice to organize group dinners, but Chiyako had declined, claiming too much homework.
She had justified her cowardliness because she didn't want to cause any more conflict, with her roommate or anybody else. Standing here with him now, Chiyako realized how much she had missed his presence. Jin's humor had a polite edge, or maybe his sarcasm had gentleness to it, she wasn't sure which. It was kind, but truthful as well. A real smile began to form on her face but was stopped as she guiltily remembered the purpose of her visit.
She turned away from him again. It was impossible to get her words in order when she was looking at him. Jin remained silent and she could feel his eyes upon her. He could be so irritatingly patient. Part of Chiyako wanted him to say something just so she could react on instinct. But standing so close to him, she was afraid of what her instinct might be.
The room was small to begin with and its clutter made it feel downright cramped. Along one wall was a makeshift bookcase made of cement blocks and flat boards. It wasn't quite big enough, since numerous books were stacked precariously on the top shelf and along the side. Most were small paperbacks with bright, bold writing, some in English words she'd never seen before.
Jin's desk, the one without the plastic paint models, she guessed, was also a mess. But his at least seemed to be covered with the usual, empty food containers and textbooks. Perched on one corner was a framed photo. It looked familiar.
Chiyako crossed the room to pick it up. She needn't have, Rumi had a duplicate copy, right down to the frame, sitting on her bookshelf in their shared room.
It was a picture of two grade school children dressed in traditional kimonos standing in front of a humble country shrine. Perhaps the image was meant to evoke a solemn timeless scene, but unfortunately it had been taken too late in the day. The kimonos were wrinkled and smudged with mud along the hems, and the little girl's had a dark stain running down her front. Their hair was disheveled and the boy sported a sizable band aid across his nose. This was Jin and Rumi, ages 7 and 7 1/2, taken on a long-ago New Years Day.
"How did you get hurt?" Chiyako asked him, but didn't turn to face him.
"You know," replied Jin offhandedly, "stupid things kids do."
"Rumi said it was to make her stop crying when she spilled hot chocolate on her outfit. She said you ran into a tree."
"Yeah," Jin's voice was softer now, "stupid things kids do."
"You were obviously close, even back then."
Jin was silent.
"You hurt her today, with what you said."
No reponse. Chiyako felt a righteous anger burn once again inside her. His current feelings for Rumi aside, their long term friendship deserved more than this.
"It was cruel and despicable. If I were you I'd want to crawl under the nearest rock and never come out."
Behind her she heard a thump. She spun about to see Jin with his fist rammed against one of the concrete support beams, teeth clenched, eyes screwed shut.
"Jin," she cried as she rushed over to him. He jumped back before she could reach him and held out his non-injured hand out, an invisible barrier between them. His other knuckle, she could see, was slightly red. The punch had had some force behind it.
"You don't think that's what I want to do?" he shouted at her. Chiyako took a step back, his voice an even more effective boundary. "The last thing I'd ever want to do is to hurt Rumi. She's the kindest, sweetest, most decent person I've ever known. She deserves the best. That's all I want for her."
His voice sounded sincere, but images of Rumi this evening lay fresh in Chiyako's memory. Narrowing her eyes she hissed back at him, "That's bullshit. That's some lame justification you invented in your head so you can trounce after whatever little coed has taken your fancy."
She expected him to retaliate with denials, the sort of break-up quarrel she was used to. Instead his posture deflated and he spoke in low tones.
"And if that were the case, then Rumi shouldn't have anything to do with me. She deserves the best. And that means a guy who absolutely adores her, who has eyes only for her. Someone who can share his every thought with her, and what he's thinking will only make her happy." he signed and shook his head. "Chiyako, I always thought I was that sort of guy. But I'm not. If only I was, I'd spend the rest of my life with Rumi."
His hand brushed under his eyes. Chiyako stared. Never had she'd seen a grown man cry.
"I couldn't do it anymore, pretend to be this great boyfriend, while all the time. . .The longer I kept up the facade, the more it would hurt later. If I could go back in time and break it off earlier I would. But I can't." Jin gritted his teeth, as if in pain. "I know she's hurt. I'd do anything to stop it. But I can't!"
He turned back to the wall curling his fingers to form a fist.
"Jin," she called out, if only to stay his hand. "Jin, this is touching, but unrealistic. There's no way you can go though life just focused on one person. You can't help looking at other girls, it's only natural. No woman would demand that sort of commitment, not all the time." There, it was all a misunderstanding, it could be straightened out. Chiyako clung to that hope with all her heart. Please let it all turn out all right.
"This isn't something trivial, Chiyako. This isn't-" he paused and looked thoughtful. Then, as if some decision had been made, he continued, "It's not just random girls, it's one in particular. I can't get this woman out of my thoughts. I find myself thinking about her, worrying about her, caring about her, all the time. I've held imaginary conversations with her, explaining why it wouldn't work, why I can't be with her. In my conversations, she always agrees. But it doesn't stop my feelings. I've tried and tried, but nothing works!"
Chiyako could hear her heart pounding. "So this is the reason." there was a sting to her words she couldn't suppress, "You're in love with someone else, not Rumi."
Jin didn't return her look, but simply nodded.
"Then why not tell Rumi the truth, Jin? Why not give her something to be angry with, something for which to hate you. Instead of, instead of this not deserving crap so that she keeps trying to figure out what she did. At least this way she can hate the wench, whoever she is."
Jin just gave her a half-smile. It looked rather sad.
"Who is she? At least tell me so I can despise her."
He kept looking at her.
"Someone I know?" Maybe a classmate or someone on the tennis team. Chiyako mentally ran thought the faces, trying to remember if there was anyone of exceptional beauty.
Jin said something. It didn't make sense, so Chiyako looked up, "What?" she asked.
"It's you." Jin repeated his voice very soft.
It's. You. The words echoed in her brain, connecting, sinking in. He's in love with me. Her mind went blank. The image of her and Jin together flitted briefly though. Jin: tall and good looking, sweet and gentle, smart and understanding. She looked at his face, his kind eyes and apologetic smile, and felt a brief wave of happiness. And glanced down at the photo frame, still in her hand. It was then that she panicked.
"Jin, that can't happen!" Chiyako struggled to explain the wrongness, though if it was for Jin or her own benefit, she wasn't sure. "Rumi and I are roommates, I couldn't- And we're friends too, good friends. Then she'd just be hurt more, and have no one- And Youji, he's involved in all this too. It's not fair to him, he doesn't deserve to- to-"
This would have horrible consequences in every direction. Socially it was unacceptable. Morally it was even less so. Her mind spun as she imagined the looks people would give her, the things they would say behind her back. No girl would want her near their boyfriends, and the boys, they'd see her as a cheap floozy. It would be hard for Jin too. People would think him manipulative and a cheat. He wasn't as tough as she, they'd eat him alive.
How could she have thought, even for a single moment, that it might work? It was obvious; there was only one choice.
"Jin," she spoke slowly, rationally, "We can't. We just can't."
Jin simply smiled his half smile, "No," he agreed, "We can't. Tell Rumi, tell her whatever you think is best. I can't do anything, but you, you're her friend, you can help her."
"Of course," murmured Chiyako, her thoughts still chaotic, "Of course."
The stared at each other, sad smiles mirrored on their faces. The silence stretched out, becoming uncomfortable.
Finally, Chiyako said, "I should get going."
Jin gave a nod.
After another long moment, Chiyako left.
copyright Kim Smuga-Otto 1999