Inspired by Yoshizumi Wataru's Marmalade Boy
Chapter 6: Resolution of a Love Triangle
Matsuura Youji was late, but only by about five minutes. Considering who his date was, he still had a good quarter of an hour. They had agreed to meet here after Youji's class, in the park by the playground equipment, at this same bench. It was for practical reasons, they both knew where it was. But it was fitting, after all, the month-long experiment was nearing its end.
Sighing, Youji gazed upward, willing any nearby gods to send him inspiration. He had been contemplating this meeting, and what he would do, for the last few days. He still didn't have an answer.
It really shouldn't matter. It would be Chiyako's decision. And he would live by it. Still, his conversation with his sister echoed in his mind.
"Chiyako is so cool." Emiko had squealed over the phone. "Insisting that I call her by her first name, that's so modern. And she's sharp and she said she'd give me a makeover next time I came to visit. I like her way better than any of the other girls you've dated before."
"Emiko, that's not nice."
"But it's true," she countered, "That, what was her name, Namami, she was so pathetic. And then she dumped you, on Valentine's Day no less!"
"Manami," Youji corrected her, "And it was a mutual decision. You're being too hard on her, Emiko, she was just out of a very bad relationship. I actually just got a letter from her recently, she's doing quite well."
"Whatever, big brother," Emiko replied, but her tone was more congenial, "I'll admit, some of them were nice. But you always let them go back to their old boyfriends or whatever. Just promise me you won't let Chiyako get away."
"If that's the way it works out, little sister, no one will be more pleased."
"That's not the attitude you need, Youji," her voice taking on authoritarian undertones. "You need to be like this guy I saw on TV last night. He was in love with this girl. But she was a samurai's daughter and he was a ninja assassin. She kept turning him down, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. And then when her father's estate was attacked, he slipped in and kidnapped her. He was so stylish, and good looking. In the end she agreed to marry him."
"I don't think kidnapping is a viable way to win a wife these days, little sister. Besides, Chiyako's apartment is on the third floor and I'm not much of a climber."
"Oh Youji, you know what I mean. If you love a girl, then you need to pursue her, otherwise she won't know you're serious. Don't laugh. I'm a woman, so I should know."
"Little Emiko, in a few years time, when you've had your fill of being pursued, I will quote this conversation to you. The truth is that forcing your affections on someone who doesn't return them is a sure way to make them miserable. And if you truly care for someone, then the last thing you want to do is cause them distress."
Emiko fell silent, and Youji hoped it was because she was considering his words. He was aware that his dating attitude has cost him a relationship or two, but it would have been worse, far worse, to demand another's love when they could not have given it. Living in state was a horrible existence for all involved.
"But Chiyako really likes you, Youji. She told me that you were the best guy she'd ever dated. Honest."
The statement took him by surprise. "She really said that?"
"I wouldn't lie about such a thing. See, she loves you!"
"Did she say that?"
"About the love, well no. But if you're such a great guy, how could she not love you?" Emiko said, confused.
"Love is not an award you get for being the best, little sister. It's more complicated than that. I don't think Chiyako's the type of girl who gives away her heart easily. She's had a rough childhood."
"Lots of people have rough childhoods, Youji," Emiko spoke without sympathy. "If Chiyako doesn't love you yet, you've just got to keep trying until she returns your love. You do love her, don't you?"
He evaded her question, "We've been dating less than a month, Emiko. I think it's still a bit early."
"I recall you going on for some time about how everything was brighter and more enjoyable when she was around. That's what you said."
"Well, maybe," he admitted. "Maybe I am in love."
"And maybe Chiyako's in love with you. Just promise me, you won't let her go without putting up a good fight."
"I'm not climbing any apartment buildings, Emiko."
"You know what I mean."
He understood what his sister wanted of him, he'd sat though enough of that sort of movies. The girl would give some passionate speech, be all set to walk out of the guy's life. Then, at the last minute, he'd grab her hand, look deeply into her eyes, and in a soft voice (still loud enough to be heard over stirring background music) he'd say, "Don't leave, I love you." The heroine's eyes would go shining and big. There would be an emotional struggle acted out on her face. She'd cry out his name. They'd embrace. End credits and catchy love song would roll. A happily-ever-after ending which would always leave Emiko or Youji's date (or both) sobbing blissfully.
Youji had always been a bit disappointed. There was no real resolution, no working through the relationship's problems. The stories never considered what happened later, when the problems resurfaced and the surprise "I love you" trump card had already been played.
Youji turned his thoughts away from this train of thought. He'd let Chiyako evaluate her feelings, and then he'd live with the consequences.
The decision felt right, and did so for the next ten minutes until Chiyako came running up, apologies spilling out. In that moment, a desire welled up inside him for the long gazes, background music and happy endings. Emiko was right, he was in love.
He resolved to watch his actions very carefully. While wandering over to an ice cream stand, they talked about various things: classes, the weather, Yamashita's current mental state.
"She's putting up a good face, but I know she's hurting inside," said Chiyako wistfully. "I just wish there was something I could do to really help."
"What Yamashita-san needs right now is good friends," opined Youji, "and you aren't letting her down in that regard."
Chiyako looked away when he said this. They ate their ice cream in silence. Youji's brain was deliberating how to broach the subject of their own relationship.
"Chiyako," he said, unsure how he sounded, "It's been a month."
"Mmm?" She looked at him, mid-lick into ice cream.
"A month, time to evaluate the experiment, about our dating." he said to dispel her obvious confusion.
Realization dawned, "Ahhh. The trial dating."
Youji nodded, bracing himself.
"You know, Youji-kun, I had almost forgotten the arrangement."
Chiyako's face took on a thoughtful look.
"Basically, I get to choose right now whether to keep dating you or not. And if I choose no?"
"Then we end it as friends." Youji completed her thought, "hopefully." He tried reading her decision, but her face was inscrutable.
"I'd hate to lose you as a friend, Youji-kun. After Rumi, you're the closest person I know here."
Despite his fears, her compliment raised his spirits. In the back of his mind he had feared most of all that Chiyako really didn't enjoy their talks and friendship.
"So," Chiyako asked coyly, "What do you think I'll choose."
"I let the matter rest in your hands, or heart rather."
"Come on," she said, giving him a sly look, "you must have some idea."
Youji was taken aback. In all the ways he had played out this scene, Chiyako had always firmly stated her decision, leaving Youji to either contradict or abide by her wishes. To be the one to choose . . . Or no, he corrected himself, to try to guess her choice . . .Or perhaps it was a test, and his choice of words would determine everything. Perhaps she herself didn't know what she wanted and was counting on him for advice. Why were women so inscrutable?
"Well," he said slowly, mainly to buy time, "There are several points to consider, that is if we want to treat this as a logical experiment."
"A logical experiment," Chiyako mulled over the words, "Yes, let's."
"One," Youji raised a single finger, "Are we compatible? Do we compliment each other's personalities and manage not to get on each other's nerves?"
Youji looked into Chiyako's eyes, trying to read the expression held within. Her poker face held no clues. So he swallowed, expressing what he hoped was a correct observation, "I think the answer there is a definite yes. Yes?"
Chiyako giggled, "Yes." she confirmed, and her eyes danced.
"So with that established, the next point is whether I have anyone else I'd rather be dating? I can answer that question easily, no. Finally . . ." And as Youji began to voice the question, a thought began to flit about the corners of his consciousness. His voice trailed off while he tried to pin it down.
Chiyako continued, oblivious to Youji's awakening realization, "Is there anyone else I'd rather be dating? Easy answer there, no. So I guess we call the experiment a success and we . . ." Chiyako waved a hand in front of his face, "Youji-kun, you're going distant on me. What are you thinking?"
"Chiyako . . ." Youji spoke absently while his mind raced. He had passed, it was a success. He should be dancing, singing, grinning like an idiot at least. And she said it like she really meant it, not like it would go away, like she was resigned to it-
He caught himself. Why had he used that term? Looking at her now, she seemed cheerful, content, very much like his sister. And then the memory crystallized.
Emiko, age seven, weeding her vegetable garden. She was pointing out a small yellow squash to Youji, predicting how large it would soon become. He remembered the look on her face, it was the same as Chiyako's.
It had been the second summer since their mother's death, and Emiko hadn't woken up crying for over three months. She had asked for a patch of garden to grow flowers in, like a girl in a story she was reading. Their father's mother had granted part, but not the entire request. Emiko was entrusted with a small garden plot, but allowed only to plant food crops. Emiko had begged for at least one flower, but their grandmother would not budge. She answer all of Emiko's pleas by repeating the story of the war's aftermath when her family had had only their garden to supply food. In the end, Emiko had backed down and chosen squash and peas to plant, reasoning that they at least would flower briefly.
All spring she had slaved over the garden, and it grew marvelously under her hands. At meals she had proudly presented the vegetables. To this day, Grandma would allude to how her stance hand had been a correct course of action. What she forget, however, was that Emiko never gardened again. The next winter she kept quiet spring planting was mentioned. Youji never asked why, he knew when he looked at her working, day after day. The vegetable garden she tended was not her garden, was not her dream. It was a job which she felt obliged to perform. To give up completely would have brought all sorts of unhappiness, but to persevere with her practical vegetable plants made the pain manageable.
And looking at Chiyako now, Youji felt he could see the pain she was hiding. Somewhere along the way, Chiyako had been hurt, he was sure of it. And now she was willing to accept him as a compromise. It was as if claws of guilt were digging into his neck.
You don't know that, a voice hummed in his ear. She says she's happy with you, why won't you believe it?
"Youji?" asked Chiyako, her face showed concern. She leaned towards him.
"I. . ." How could he say this, contradict her. "Are you sure? Are you sure there's no one else?"
Chiyako snapped back as if she'd been slapped. "What do you mean?"
"Chiyako," he tried to make his voice sound gentle, non-accusatory, "It's alright for you to be honest with me."
"I wasn't lying," her voice had a edge to it, a harshness, "There isn't anyone I'd rather be dating. You're smart, funny, and good looking. I'm happy being around you. I-"
"Do you love him?" the question came out involuntarily and he cursed himself. This was most certainly an accusation.
"What importance does love have?" she threw back at him, but her face was pale and her eyes wide.
Youji smiled gently at Chiyako, everything falling into place. An old flame, or maybe a good friend turned into something more, he understood. He had played this role before. It hurt, but he was on familiar ground. When he next spoke, it was with a compassionate voice, all traces of hurt, of pain, of disappointment absent;
"Chiyako, if you don't love me, and we continue dating, it's fine. I still have a chance to win your love. But if there's someone else and you settle on me, then I'll never win your love. I'll never even have a chance. And you. if there's someone out there who you never give a chance, then you'll spend you entire life doubting if you're truly happy."
Chiyako gave him a sad smile, "Youji, this person. No matter how I feel, it won't make a difference. I can't be with him. But I can be with you, and I will be happy."
"Are you sure? Can people be happy with second-place prizes?"
They stared at each other. Chiyako seemed caught in internal conflict, and Youji could only guess to what was going on in her mind. Finally she said, "My mother, she loved a man before my, my father. If she had never met him, never pursued him, never fallen in love, she would have been much happier."
"Maybe." Youji agreed, "But you can't deny emotions. They'll only come out more strongly later, and the damage will be far greater." Chiyako tried to contradict him, but he silenced her and continued, "I grew up in a family where what was spoken and what was felt were two separate things. My parents' marriage was a mistake they were never willing to admit. They resented each other for the lives they'd never had a chance to live. And even as a small child I could see this. A life with a broken heart may be empty, Chiyako, but a life with regret will pervert a person's soul, and the souls of people around her."
"I . . .But Youji, if I go after him, you'll hate me." Chiyako's eyes were glistening.
"No," he assured her, "I'll support you, I promise. If it doesn't work out . . ." I'll be waiting, "but I hope it does."
Chiyako was shaking her head ever so slightly, and Youji could see her uncertainty. He could still take it back, take her back. All that was needed were those few simple words. Youji remained silent, willing Chiyako to decide this for herself.
Finally, she nodded, resolution plain on her face. Youji watched as she walked off, his spirit feeling simultaneously thrilled and torn. He was, he suspected, always destined to play the supporting male role. It was not the part he wanted, but, he contemplated while finishing off his ice cream cone, it was better than being cast as the villain.
******
Jin checked his watch again. Its minute hand had hardly advanced five minutes since he last checked, still almost fifteen minutes till his train's arrival. He hoisted his suitcase, set it down, lifted it again, and debated the merits of pacing the length of the platform. Grimacing, he forced himself to sit. He was a bundle of nervous tension, wanting to move, to act, to get it over with, but bound by the schedule of the outside world, he could only wait.
Odd, the strength of his desires to fulfill a goal he had realizes only a few hours back. He had been sitting, contemplating spending the weekend alone in his room. It held no appeal and on a lark he'd thought of going home and visiting his family.
He had started packing with plans to catch the afternoon train. There was so much dirty laundry that it had seemed more logical just to stuff in all in his largest suitcase than to sort through for the few items he'd need for the extended weekend. Mom wouldn't mind doing an extra load or two, it would make her feel needed. There was still room, so he added some books, his clock, and various other items.
It was then that the thought occurred. Everything I need is here. I could go home, and never return.
And once he had thought it, it seemed right. To leave here would only improve everyone's lives. Rumi would get over him more easily if he were far from the University. Chiyako and Youji wouldn't be bothered by his presence. And he himself would forget his desire for Chiyako if he wasn't seeing her every day. The only one inconvenienced was his roommate, and if Jin got a job, well, he could continue paying his half of the rent until the guy found someone else. It was scary how his removal would help everyone so much.
And so, after leaving a brief note of explanation on the apartment door, the only place guaranteed to be visible, he'd set off.
Getting to the station must have taken longer than he thought, because he missed the early train. No matter, getting in late wouldn't matter if he wasn't coming back. The very idea lifted his spirits.
Try as he might, the past week had gone poorly. He'd skipped most of his classes, at least all that involved Chiyako, and taken detours to avoid her apartment building, all the while silently wishing he might accidentally meet her.
He once ran into Rumi, and they had stared at each other several minutes before she turned and ran away. It was hard, looking at her and being unable to say a thing. It had never happened with Rumi, and he had to fight the impulse to confide in her.
Until the last week, he hadn't realized how alone he'd been here. So many of his contacts had been through Rumi or the tennis club, and now he feared both.
Tokyo wasn't for him. It was too big, too complicated. When he was at home, he knew the rules and the acceptable way to behave. It wasn't hard to be good there. Here everything was jumbled and upside down.
It was true in so many ways; the way students ignored studying, the radical non-traditional things they spoke of, the way he found himself acting when he was around them, the way he felt about Namuki Chiyako. This last part was the worst of it.
Last week, when she was standing in his room, he'd felt ready to scream from pain and frustration. It wasn't that he no longer liked Rumi. It wasn't even that his thoughts about her had changed. He still cared for her, he still loved her, but. . .
It was Chiyako that his thoughts kept turning to. Chiyako whose good standing he coveted. Chiyako, whose image he dreamed about.
Chiyako, he realized, who was standing across the platform, looking at him. She ran towards him, hand clutching a piece of paper. He wanted to escape, if only the train could come right now.
Instead, Chiyako reached him.
"What's this?" she demanded, waving the letter he'd posted on his door, "You're leaving? You didn't even say good bye."
"I . . ."
"Coward!" she spat.
Jin could only stare at her. He was just glad that she had come, if only so that he could see her one last time. Soon the train would arrive and he'd board it and never see her again. He wanted to freeze her image in his memory.
"I can't believe you'd just leave like this, just give up, just quit!" Chiyako's voice trembled slightly.
"I . . ." how could he explain. "It's all for the best."
"For who?" she glared at him.
"For everyone!" he said defensively, "I'm only hurting Rumi by staying and Youji certainly doesn't need my presence."
"What about me?"
She was shaking, and Jin had to fight himself not to go over and hold her. He'd never leave it he did, and he was convinced that leaving now was the only solution.
"What about me?" Chiyako repeated, "You said you loved me. And now you're abandoning me! Was it all a lie?"
"No, no," he pleaded, "It wasn't a lie." Jin looked into Chiyako's eyes, willing her to believe him. He couldn't break down in front of her. It would be the last time they met; he didn't want her to see him cry.
"Everything I said was true. I want nothing more than to be with you forever. I love you. But you're right, it can't be. My desire would hurt so many people, people I don't want to hurt."
"But you're hurting me!"
It was too much, and he blinked back tears.
"Chiyako, I'd do anything not to hurt you. Anything. That's why I'm leaving, so I don't hurt you. Don't bring yourself down with me. I'd hurt your image, your relationships, your standing. I couldn't stand to see you unhappy."
Chiyako put her hands to her face, trembling and making muffled sounds. He had hurt her and his heart tore within him. The overhead speakers gave warning of the incoming train, and he heard its approaching sound on the tracks. It pulled in behind him, its breaks squealing and doors hissing open.
"Chiyako?" he whispered.
He had a few minutes before the train departed. Enough time to apologize, if nothing else.
She was still shaking, head obscured. In a voice pitched low so only he could hear, she said:
"Then you can't go. You can't go Jin. Because if you leave, I'll be hurt. I don't care what others think of me. I don't care what they say about me. I just care about you, Jin. I love you."
She looked up, smiled, and made a sound that might be a giggle. Jin stared at her, but just for a second because now he had crossed the space between them and was encompassing her in his arms. Holding her tightly, Jin buried his face in her hair.
She loved him, she loved him, she loved him. At that moment, his whole world comprised of the words she had spoken aloud and what they meant. That she really cared and that he hadn't only been a diversion. All along, that was the fear he dared not express, because then all the pain and hurt he'd caused Rumi would been for nothing. But she'd said she loved him.
It still doesn't mean Rumi will be less hurt. He knew that, and Chiyako knew that as well. Like a bullet, the guilt tore through his happiness . Slowly he loosened his embrace and looked into Chiyako's now beaming expression.
"What about Rumi?"
Chiyako's face fell, and Jin regretted his words instantly. Would she take that as a rejection? But when she spoke it was with calm, determined tones.
"I don't know. I hate hurting her, but," her voice faltered but then resumed, strong in conviction, "Jin, I've never felt like this before, never cared about someone in this way, and I can't, not even for friendship, walk away from this. I thought I could. I thought I could bury what I felt for you deep within myself, and no one would know, would not even suspect. But I'm not so good an actor as that. Youji-kun knew."
"Matsuura-san?" Jin said, guilty that he had forgotten about Chiyako's current boyfriend and his friend.
"Yes. He saw right through my act. He didn't want me to live with regret. He told me to follow my heart. I think it would have hurt him more for me to be dishonest, in the long run that is. And in the long run it would hurt Rumi more for us to lie to her."
"She's still going to be hurt." Jin spoke softly.
"Yes," agreed Chiyako.
Jin looked into her eyes. There was no ingenious solution to fix the situation so that everyone could be happy. Everyone could suffer, or he and Chiyako could prosper at Rumi and Matsuura's expense.
Maybe life had always been this complicated, and he had just been oblivious to it. Perhaps these actions were not so cruel and despicable as he imagined. The justifications felt hollow and empty.
The station speakers announced final boarding call for the train. Earlier today he'd thought that he could leave Tokyo and return to the simple life, but he had been fooling himself even then. He couldn't blame this place or even its people for the uncertainties he felt in his soul.
Chiyako, too, must have uncertainties. By confessing her love for Jin, she was risking just as much as he. At a certain point, Jin realized, you have to choose who's most important to you.
Jin listened to the automatic doors close, heard the train give a whistle and then start its journey.
Gently, he cupped Chiyako's cheek in his hand. This one person, he promised, this one person, I will not hurt.
Slowly he bent down and kissed Chiyako.
copyright Kim Smuga-Otto 1999