NOW, THAT IS SCARY!
SCENE: Heath spa, somewhere in the western US. Psychiatrist's office,
nicely furnished by female doctor, with a desk, sofa, several wing chairs, flower vases around.
[DOCTOR is sitting behind the desk. DAPHNE is led in by a woman
in a lab coat, the spa's dietitian. DAPHNE is about 40 pounds heavier
than normal. DOCTOR rises and crosses around the desk to greet them]
DIETITIAN: Doctor, this is our new patient, Miss Moon.
DOCTOR: [Hand outstretched] Nice to meet you, Miss Moon.
DAPHNE: [A bit nervous, shaking her hand] Please, it's Daphne,
thank you. Nice to meet you, too. Although I can't say I'm overjoyed
at being here . . .
DOCTOR: Of course, no one likes needing our help. But we have a very high success rate, and we try to make this experience as pleasant as possible. Please, have a seat.
[DAPHNE sits on the couch, and the two clinicians each sit in chairs
to the side of her, next to each other]
DOCTOR: Why don't you tell us a little about yourself.
DAPHNE: Well, I'm from the UK, as you can likely tell, and I've been
living in Seattle for eight years now. I'm a physical therapist,
and I live and work for my patient and his son.
And I'm dating his other son. Both of them are psychiatrists,
as a matter of fact.
DIETITIAN: They have practices in Seattle?
DAPHNE: Niles does - that's my boyfriend, my boss's brother -
but the other Dr. Crane has a call-in radio show.
DOCTOR: Frasier Crane?
DAPHNE: That's right. Have you heard it?
DOCTOR: I . . . have tuned in to it a few times, when I've been
in the city. Quite amusing. [Clears her throat] Anyway.
This is your entrance interview. In the future you will meet
with other patients in group, but the purpose of this meeting
is for us to get to know you. Hopefully we can find out a bit about
the history of your weight problems and design a strategy
that will best help you achieve your ideal weight and remain there.
We aim for no repeat visitors.
DAPHNE: Actually, I really don't have any history with weight problems.
Until this happened I never gave a thought to my weight,
I have always been quite thin. In fact, my boss's father had a girlfriend
once who said I was too skinny and should put some meat on me.
So, since I've never had to diet, I've never learned the first thing
about how to go about it. That's why I'm here.
[DOCTOR and DIETITIAN look at each other]
DOCTOR: Stress trigger.
DAPHNE: Excuse me?
DOCTOR: Dear, this tells us that there has been a stressor
in your life lately which has caused you to overeat.
Have you been through any major change in your life lately,
or are you under some sort of pressure?
DAPHNE: Pressure? My, no, my life is quite relaxed, actually.
I enjoy my job, I really like the people around me, and I'm [smiling]
very much in love with my boyfriend.
DOCTOR: How long have you been seeing him?
DAPHNE: Well, that has kind of a two-part answer. I've known him
the whole time I've been with my job. He drops by his brother's a lot.
He's always been a good friend. But we only started seeing each other . . . romantically . . . about 6 months ago.
DOCTOR: Ahh. What brought about the change in your relationship?
DAPHNE: Well, actually, I was engaged to another man when I found out
that Niles had been in love with me for years, and when I learned that,
well, over time, I started to feel the same way about him.
It's incredible how you can suddenly see a man you've known for so long
as attractive and . . . handsome, and . . . sexy . . .
[Trails off, then composes herself] Anyway, we didn't discuss
how we felt about each other until [deep breath]
the night before I was to be married. I broke that off,
and we've been seeing each other ever since.
DOCTOR: [To DIETITIAN] Major stress trigger. [To DAPHNE] This may sound personal, but it's important. Have you two been. . . intimate?
DAPHNE: Intimate?
DIETITIAN: Did you start sleeping together?
DAPHNE: [Flustered] Oh, God, no, it was too soon!
We felt it best to take things slowly.
DOCTOR: Was that your idea or his?
DAPHNE: Well, Niles suggested it, but, boy, was I relieved!
I mean, even just thinking about that . . .well, I just couldn't.
And then I gained all this weight and, well . . .
DOCTOR: [To DIETITIAN] Bingo!
DAPHNE: [A bit annoyed] Would you mind telling me why we're talking
about all this? I came here to diet and exercise.
DIETITIAN: Forgive us, Daphne. You see, that's only part of the solution.
DOCTOR: You can't just lose the weight and go back without resolving
the underlying issues. We need to identify the cause of your problem
and work on it, so that you don't leave here and repeat the same pattern.
DAPHNE: So . . . now you know what caused it?
DOCTOR: Well, it seems pretty clear. You appear to be afraid of sex.
DAPHNE: Afraid of sex? That's crazy! I've never been afraid of it before,
not even my first time. In fact, I've always had a bit of a randy streak.
DIETITIAN: But you just said that you couldn't even think about it . . .
with Niles.
DAPHNE: Oh . . . I did, didn't I? Oh, my. I think you're right.
[Babbling] Oh, dear. I mean, he's been in love with me for so long,
and . . . I'm only human, not some dream girl, and . .
I'm not sure I can live up to what he might expect . . .
DOCTOR: Daphne. I believe that you gained this weight as a kind of shield. Protection from the intimacy that scares you. But I'm sure that
you can work on this in group and get past it. You won't need that shield
when you leave here. And hopefully, by then, you'll be ready to
get on with your relationship.
DAPHNE: Oh, I hope so. Come to think of it, I have been avoiding
being alone with him. But I really do want us to . . . move on.
DOCTOR: Good. [To DIETITIAN] We have our motivator. [Rising, to DAPHNE]
I'd say we're looking at an approximate three month stay,
as long as you work hard on both the physical and emotional
aspects of your situation.
DAPHNE: [She and DIETITIAN rise] Thank you. I will.
[To herself, walking toward the door]
Who would have ever thought I could be afraid of sex?
[laughing] Oh, wow, will Roz ever bust a gut when she hears this one!
[Exits]
[DOCTOR and DIETITIAN look at each other, confused]
The usual disclaimers . . .
Moxierick@aol.com
COBWEBS
PART 2
By Moxie
AT LONG LAST - WE HOPE
SCENE: Niles' apartment. The living room. NILES is dressed in a dark blue shirt and white tie, with suspenders and darker blue pants. He is fussing around, placing candles on the sideboard, lighting them. Straightens pillows on the fainting couch, lines up knickknacks, etc. FRASIER, wearing jeans and a brown sweatshirt, is tending to a champagne setup.
[MARTIN enters from the kitchen with a can of beer]
MARTIN: Say, Fras, Roz has been gone a long time. What time did you say Daphne's plane got in? [Crosses to a chair and sits]
FRASIER: Four-thirty, Dad, but you know the airlines.
NILES: It was so good of Roz to offer to pick her up. I would have, but I didn't want our first greeting to be in public. [Sighs] I do so want this to be special.
FRASIER: Oh, I know how much you've missed her, Niles. The fact that I've been bumping into you every time I've turned around for months now somehow gave it away.
NILES: I know I've been a pest, Frasier . . .
FRASIER: No, not a pest. More like a shawl draped around my shoulders.
NILES: It's just been so lonely these past few months. It seemed like Daphne and I had just gotten together when she fled off to that spa.
MARTIN: Face it, Niles, it's known as a "fat farm". She just wanted to get rid of all that weight she gained, to make herself more attractive for you.
NILES: Well, I don't know why, I didn't see any difference in her. However. . thinking back, the last few times I hugged her I could have sworn that my arms were growing shorter!
FRASIER: Well, I know love is blind, Niles, but the rest of us saw it. Eventually, so did she. Then there was that evening when she had that drenching cry on my shoulder.
NILES: It was good of you to fund her stay at the spa, Frasier.
FRASIER: Well, I knew she could never ask you. I just told her to think of it as a sort for bonus, for years of loyal service, massaging Dad's ass and all.
[NILES looks alarmed, MARTIN laughs. The doorbell rings]
NILES: [Panicky] Oh, my God! They're here!
FRASIER: [Grabbing NILES by the shoulders] Now, calm down, Niles. You don't want her to see you all sweaty and hyperventilating.
NILES: I'm OK. I'm fine. Um, would you get that?
FRASIER: [Smiling at NILES] Sure. [Gives his brother's shoulder a pat and goes to the door. MARTIN and NILES follow]
[As FRASIER opens the door, ROZ enters, carrying a suitcase, followed by the now slim DAPHNE who is wearing a tight fitting top and her standard Capri slacks. She carries another bag. Both are laughing]
ROZ: Man, Daphne, I still can't believe it! Of all things, to be afraid of THAT! [They put the luggage down]
[DAPHNE sees FRASIER first, and they hug. NILES hangs back]
FRASIER: Well, welcome home, Daph. [Stepping back] Wow, you look great!
MARTIN: Yeah, looks like we have our old Daphne back.
DAPHNE: Hello, Dr. Crane, Mr. Crane. Thank you. [Then seeing NILES, who is entranced] Hey, Niles!
[NILES rushes to her and envelops her in a bear hug. The others smile]
NILES: [After a beat, pulling back to look at her] I couldn't wait for you to get here! God, you look . . .beautiful. I . . .I really missed you.
DAPHNE: I missed you, too.
[Awkward pause, then a flurry of all ushering her into the room, saying "come in and sit down", "how was your flight", etc. FRASIER pops the cork on the champagne, pours glasses for everyone. They all sit]
DAPHNE: [Having been ushered to the fainting couch, where NILES sits beside her, looking lovesick] Goodness, I feel so out of touch, being gone so long. Have you been keeping up with your exercises, Mr. Crane?
MARTIN: Well, more or less. You know . . .
DAPHNE: Well, I hope more than less.
FRASIER: [Handing around glasses] Well, now. Might I propose a toast? To the beloved and now smaller Miss Moon and her return to the Crane fold!
[All raise glasses, a mixture of "right", "here, here", etc.]
FRASIER: Well, Daphne, how was it at the spa? It obviously did the trick.
DAPHNE: Well, first, let me thank you for it, Dr. Crane. It was no picnic, but I did get rid of my girth. As for the rest of my problem, well, [with a look toward ROZ, who is snickering] I think it helped. I'll have to see.
NILES: [Taking her hand] The rest of your problem?
DAPHNE: I'll explain later.
ROZ: Don't worry, she will.
FRASIER: [Getting up, as do the others] Well, now, we'd best be off and let these two get reacquainted. Niles has prepared a lovely dinner for you, Daphne, even light on the calories. We'll see you at home . . .whenever you decide to return.
DAPHNE: Thank you so much, Dr. Crane. Goodnight, all of you.
[DAPHNE and NILES see them to the door]
FRASIER: Goodnight.
NILES: Goodnight, Frasier, and thank you for all your help. [They exit and he closes the door. He turns to DAPHNE. They just look at each other for a beat]
NILES: I can't believe you're finally here! It seemed like an eternity. Here, sit down. [Leads her back to the couch, they sit, he puts his arm around her. She leans her head on his shoulder]
DAPHNE: It seemed that way to me, too. But it was a great experience, in a way. I didn't just slim back down, I learned a lot about myself. And . . .about us.
NILES: [Looking at her] Oh, no. You didn't decide that we were not meant to be, after all, or . . . or . . .
DAPHNE: Oh, hush up, Niles, of course not! Would I be here if that were true?
NILES: Well, yeah, I guess . . .By the way, what were you and Roz laughing about when you came in?
DAPHNE: My . . .problem. I knew she'd get a kick out of it. But I . . .
NILES: Daphne, could you please tell me what we are talking about?
DAPHNE: I'm sorry. Of course. It's just that it's a bit sensitive, and
NILES: Oh, God, you have decided that we're a mistake . . .
DAPHNE: [Sitting forward] Niles, what is this paranoia of yours? For the last time, I love you. I always will. We're not a mistake. OK? Let me finish!
NILES: OK. OK.
DAPHNE: There was a really good psychiatrist there, a woman, and we hit it off. She determined why I gained the weight, and . . .I came to understand it.
NILES: And?
DAPHNE: I found out that I was, um, . . . afraid of . . . sex. Rather, sex with . . making love with . . .with you.
NILES: Excuse me?
DAPHNE: Niles, . . .haven't you noticed during our whole time together, I've been acting, well, fond of you, but . . . kind of aloof? I would dismiss you, or change the subject when you tried to kiss me or get close to me.
NILES: [Looking back] Well . . .come to think of it, I did. I guess that's why I thought you might be having second thoughts about me . . .about . . .us.
DAPHNE: Reason enough, I guess. I'm so sorry.
NILES: Daphne, I don't get it. I'm hardly the threatening type. How could you be afraid of me?
DAPHNE: Well, it became clear to me during my sessions there. You must realize that, in the months before we got together, I had started thinking about you more and more as . . .a possible lover, I guess, but . . . I had been with . . . Donny. And he's not exactly . . well, I mean, you're so . . and he was . . .[Suddenly nervous, getting up and pacing] I know I'm not explaining this very well, but . . .[Turning to face him] well, the idea of making love with you scared the crap out of me!
NILES: [Laughing softly, gets up and crosses to her] You can't be serious!
DAPHNE: It's not funny!
NILES: [Putting his arms around her] No, honey, I'm sorry, it's not. But we love each other so much, what could be scary about showing it?
DAPHNE: [Putting her head on his shoulder] Oh, God, Niles, think about it. You've had years to consider me that way, and . . . I only got on board recently. I was concerned that . . .that . . I might not . . .[Now looking him in the eye] live up to your . . expectations.
NILES: [Stroking her hair] Oh, Daphne, my love. I have no expectations, only that I long for you, and for us to be together and express our love for each other. However that goes, it will be perfect, I assure you. We're magic together! [She smiles] Now. Do you think that they . . cured you?
DAPHNE: I can't be positive, but . . . [looking intently into his eyes] I think so. Why don't you try me and see?
[NILES leans in and kisses her, tentatively at first. She wraps her arms around his neck and deepens it, letting herself go. After a long moment, he pulls gently away]
NILES: Ahhh! They do great work at that place. {She initiates another long, deep kiss, then breaks it and smiles at him sexily] Does this mean I'm not driving you home tonight?
DAPHNE: Not if you don't want to?
NILES: [Forehead against hers] You know the answer to that.
DAPHNE: Niles?
NILES: [Breathless] Yes?
DAPHNE: I'm starved.
NILES: [Dreamily] Me, too.
DAPHNE: No, I mean, I am, for that, too, but . . .might we have some dinner first?
NILES: [Coming out of his daze] Oh . . .oh, yes, of course! It's all ready, I've kept it warm. I guess you still eat, don't you?
DAPHNE: Only enough for fuel. For energy. For . . .later.
NILES: [Arm around her waist, leading her toward the kitchen] Ahhh. You know, I believe that I . . ., no, we . . .owe a lot to that psychiatrist of yours. [DAPHNE laughs as they exit through the kitchen door]
END SCENE
[Credits. The spa psychiatrist's office. She is at her desk. A secretary enters, staggering under the weight of a huge flower arrangement, hoists it on the desk, and exits, exhausted. The doctor looks at the card. Over her shoulder, we can see that it says "With most heartfelt thanks, Niles Crane" She looks confused for a moment, then smiles and shakes her head, laughing]