Wishing You Were Here With Me
By Janet Jongebloed
Before I was an Ashley, I was a Spinelli. But that life is gone now. The sight of the playground seems foreign and strange as I pause as I pass by. The swing sets are now being used by other children, and there are new diggers. The world has moved on, as I have.
The gate bars my view of my lost innocence. There was a time, it seems like ages ago, when everything was right and I was strong. So much stronger than I am today. I didn't hide behind this makeup and fancy clothes to fit in. I already did. I was accepted by my friends and whoever didn't accept me got a punch to the eye.
But that was a long time ago.
I have grown up since.
I am older.
I have a job, and SATs, cheerleading practice, and a boyfriend.
I grew up to be an Ashley after all.
It's not fair, I scream as I pound on the iron gate. Where is everything I was? Where did I hide it away? Why can't I find it anymore? Who am I?
And where are my friends?
TJ, Gretchen, Mikey, Gus and Vince. We all went our separate ways, they say it happens sometimes when you get older. But it wasn't supposed to happen to us. We were a team. It's a week till the senior prom, and then two days later it will be graduation. And our chance will be gone. There won't be anymore time to make amends, or hang out anymore. What we had once is lost today.
I heard Gus was going into the military. And Gretchen got accepted into Yale. I don't know about the others, we don't keep tabs on each other anymore. We're not part of each other's lives.
It's not fair! I pound on the gate once more. The children look at me like I have two heads, but I don't care. I just want to be where they are, I want to be that young again, when there were so many possibilities and so many roads to take. When you could stay up all night inside your best friend's clubhouse. Or trade baseball cards. Or go on field trips to god knows where.
They don't understand, I realize. Those third and fourth graders on the playground, how much their lives are going to change in the coming years. People will die, move away, get divorced; and that's life. Sure, there are some great things that can only come with age.
Like your first kiss… I remember mine, TJ and I behind the jungle gym in fifth grade.
Or getting to drive a car. Mine's a BMW my boyfriend Bobby bought me.
But in the end, all you really want is all you really need. True friends. True friends who care about you. And a choice of roads to choose in life. That's all you need. And you really don't get that when you're older. Your path becomes narrower, and genuine friendship becomes harder to find.
Especially when you're popular like me.
I don't know when the change happened, it seems like overnight. But one day in high school I realized I was popular. I even out-Ashley-ed the four other Ashley's. I was head cheerleader, was dating the football captain, and getting asked to practically every party.
But there was so much missing.
I remember one day, while I sat on the marble steps of one of my classmate's mansion. There was a huge party going on inside. I had gotten all dolled up, with my long silky black hair twisted up in a perfect up-do, sparkly makeup glittering my face, and the tiniest trendiest blue dress, and tears falling down ruining the whole effect.
I didn't understand it. Here I was, in a huge crowd, everyone hanging on my every word, and not one of them was listening to me. So I ran out to the front porch to be alone and get some air.
The sounds of the party filled my ears, deafening music, and the marble stairs were freezing in the chill of the late autumn air.
At that moment I looked up to see TJ walking up the steps. He looked amazingly handsome, even though he only wore jeans, a black shirt, and a bomber jacket.
"Spinelli?"
"That's not my name anymore," I said between tears.
"What? Of course it is." He sat down next to me, and put his coat across my shoulders. "Are you okay?"
"TJ?"
"Yes."
"Life sucks."
Then Bobby came out into the night air to try to find me. "Ashley? Oh, there you are." He said as he found me talking to TJ.
Brittani, the hostess of the party was right behind him, she followed Bobby around like a little puppy dog. If I didn't know better I'd say they had something going on between the two of them.
"Hey, like, who are you?!" Brittani turned on TJ. "I don't remember giving you an invite!"
Bobby scooped me up into his muscular arms. TJ's coat fell to the marble staircase.
"I wasn't exactly invited… I um.. well, I saw my friend and she looked upset and I thought…"
"Ashley, do you know this kid?" Bobby asked me.
With my whole reputation riding on my answer my voice answered, "No." I rejoined the party, as I wiped tears from my eyes. I saw TJ being escorted of the premises by some guards.
"Get off me! I'll leave myself." TJ said in a huff, as he shook free from the guard's grasp.
That was the first time I had actually talked to him in years, and the last time. God, I'm so stupid. He was my friend and I turned my back on him. And for what? To be popular.
I sit down on the sidewalk, besides the playground I used to call my second home. I don't understand why we do these things. Why did I turn my back on my friends?
A shadow falls over my huddled body.
I look up, and see him standing by the gate, right above me. "TJ I'm so sorry! I'm so stupid, can you ever forgive me," I want to shout at the top of my lungs for the entire world to know. But I say nothing, afraid he won't listen to me.
"The world has changed a lot, hasn't it." He says with a brief glance to the playground. He sits next to me and expects an answer.
"TJ?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"Spinelli," He looks at me. Oh, how I've long to hear my true name, "You're my friend. You will always be my friend. And nothing can change that."
I cry on his shoulder, clinging to probably the only friend I have in the world at the moment. "I love you."
THE END