I'm Always By Your Side
Summary: Someone has to let go and realize she's not supposed to stay with the one she loves.
Disclaimer: Nobody's mine, but the poem is.
A/N: A tear rolled down my cheek, when I wrote this, I am not ashamed to admit it. I hope it touches your heart, as it was meant to.
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I remember you
Like a sweet summer's day
I'll always remember you
And the way that we were
Everything's changed now
I can see it in your eyes
They don't see me anymore
It's time to say goodbye.
I took his hand in mine, telling him to get better. Benton was too busy to answer my questions and maybe he didn't want to. I leaned close to him and whispered in his ear.
"I love you," I said. He stirred and woke much to my pleasure. He looked at me and smiled, but he shook his head, a tear in his eye. Dr. Benton was telling him what happened and about the injuries he'd suffered.
"How's Lucy?" He asked. Benton ignored his question just as he ignore mine. I decided to leave them alone. I didn't want to hear about my injuries, I already knew. So I left. I should have stayed. Maybe then, I would have realized I was not supposed to be here. I walked around. Something was different. People weren't as happy as they were earlier. They were sad. Benton had been sad. Some people were silently crying. Now I know why. I didn't know then. I saw Peter Benton leave Carter's room. I decided I should talk to Carter. I knew he felt responsible for what happened, I did too. Carter wasn't supposed to be there. I talked to him about it.
"Lucy..." he sighed when I came in. He didn't scream out in shock, he didn't cower in fear. He treated me as if nothing had happened. He knew I didn't know.
"John..." I whispered back. He didn't have the heart to tell me. All he said was,
"I'm glad you're OK... And happy."
"I'm happy you're alive. I blame myself. You didn't have to come in. But it's sweet for you to think of me. It was my fault," I knew he'd deny it. It was my plan. He would say it was his fault. I would then tell him I didn't blame him. It would go like that. And it worked.
"No, Lucy it wasn't you... I should have done something about Sobriki..."
"John, don't. You didn't know what was going to happen and neither did I. No one knew. I don't really blame myself. I know you do blame yourself, though. Please, John, the important thing is we survived," To my surprise, he laughed.
"Yeah... We survived," he said. He then paused before asking another question, "But... What if I didn't make it and you survived? What would you do?"
"Don't say things like that, Carter!" I said.
"Please, answer the question."
"Well... I'd probably be devastated. I wouldn't be able to live without you. A brush with death, though makes you realize how little time you have, though, and so, I guess I should say... You're my whole world. My idol. I love you, John Carter," I smiled, but a sad look came on his face.
"Now you tell me..." He breathed, "I... I love you too, Luce," he said. We stayed there like that, looking into each other's eyes. It was a good twenty minutes before Benton came in. Carter gave me a signal that indicated I should leave. I agreed. Again, I should have stayed.
"Romano's sewing her up," Benton told him.
"She was so young..." Carter sighed.
"Yeah..."
I stayed by his side for a whole year. I quit my job at the hospital and didn't even bother getting a new one. He said he'd support me, but I was never really hungry and didn't eat much. I was his companion. But he wouldn't kiss me. I never understood until now. I stayed by his side through the addiction, I kept telling him to stop. I didn't know why he kept doing it. I do now. I went with him to Atlanta. He bought me a seat on the plane, at least that's what he told me. He told me once that he thought he was crazy. I told him he wasn't. I didn't know why then, but I do know. There were so many things I didn't know then that I know now. He thought he was crazy because I was there. He thought he was hallucinating. He wasn't. He didn't want to kiss me because he thought I was a hallucination telling him what he wanted to hear, giving him a false sense of security. That's one reason he took the drugs. It was me. Had I realized it then, I would have left. One day, he was talking to Benton.
"I know you miss Lucy, Carter, but-"
"Carter, what is he talking about?" but he ignored me. He always ignored me when he was around other people.
"Benton... Please... Not now."
"Carter, you just have to accept it! She's gone. You almost died with her last year!"
"Benton stop!" Carter begged. He knew I wouldn't leave until I found out what he was talking about.
"Carter, listen to me!" Benton grabbed his shoulders, "She's dead. She died last February, remember?" then, I understood. I had been blind for the past year. Blind, deaf and stupid. I didn't see how sad people were. I didn't hear them talk about my death. I didn't hear Carter talk about me with my mom. I didn't see how people never noticed me. All that had mattered to me was Carter. He was the only one who I cared about. He was the only one who listened to me. It all clicked into place like a jigsaw puzzle. The pieces had been missing for a whole year but I had finally found the last one. I had died last February. I died on Valentines Day. And Carter never had the heart to tell me. He saw the realization on my face.
"I... I need a drink..." He looked at me and beckoned me to follow with his eyes. I nodded, tears running down my cheeks.
"Lucy... I couldn't tell you-"
"I understand," I sniffed when we were alone, "But... Where do I go? Do I stay here with you, or... Or do I do something else?" I asked.
"You're welcome to stay with me for as long as you like," he said. I smiled and he finally did it. He kissed me. It was warm and passionate and it was enough to tell him that I was real and not a hallucination. As he held me in his strong embrace and I leaned my head on his shoulder, I knew I didn't belong here any more. I knew what I had to do. I needed to let go. As if on cue, Carter disappeared and all around me was a bright light. I was going home.
Summary: Someone has to let go and realize she's not supposed to stay with the one she loves.
Disclaimer: Nobody's mine, but the poem is.
A/N: A tear rolled down my cheek, when I wrote this, I am not ashamed to admit it. I hope it touches your heart, as it was meant to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember you
Like a sweet summer's day
I'll always remember you
And the way that we were
Everything's changed now
I can see it in your eyes
They don't see me anymore
It's time to say goodbye.
I took his hand in mine, telling him to get better. Benton was too busy to answer my questions and maybe he didn't want to. I leaned close to him and whispered in his ear.
"I love you," I said. He stirred and woke much to my pleasure. He looked at me and smiled, but he shook his head, a tear in his eye. Dr. Benton was telling him what happened and about the injuries he'd suffered.
"How's Lucy?" He asked. Benton ignored his question just as he ignore mine. I decided to leave them alone. I didn't want to hear about my injuries, I already knew. So I left. I should have stayed. Maybe then, I would have realized I was not supposed to be here. I walked around. Something was different. People weren't as happy as they were earlier. They were sad. Benton had been sad. Some people were silently crying. Now I know why. I didn't know then. I saw Peter Benton leave Carter's room. I decided I should talk to Carter. I knew he felt responsible for what happened, I did too. Carter wasn't supposed to be there. I talked to him about it.
"Lucy..." he sighed when I came in. He didn't scream out in shock, he didn't cower in fear. He treated me as if nothing had happened. He knew I didn't know.
"John..." I whispered back. He didn't have the heart to tell me. All he said was,
"I'm glad you're OK... And happy."
"I'm happy you're alive. I blame myself. You didn't have to come in. But it's sweet for you to think of me. It was my fault," I knew he'd deny it. It was my plan. He would say it was his fault. I would then tell him I didn't blame him. It would go like that. And it worked.
"No, Lucy it wasn't you... I should have done something about Sobriki..."
"John, don't. You didn't know what was going to happen and neither did I. No one knew. I don't really blame myself. I know you do blame yourself, though. Please, John, the important thing is we survived," To my surprise, he laughed.
"Yeah... We survived," he said. He then paused before asking another question, "But... What if I didn't make it and you survived? What would you do?"
"Don't say things like that, Carter!" I said.
"Please, answer the question."
"Well... I'd probably be devastated. I wouldn't be able to live without you. A brush with death, though makes you realize how little time you have, though, and so, I guess I should say... You're my whole world. My idol. I love you, John Carter," I smiled, but a sad look came on his face.
"Now you tell me..." He breathed, "I... I love you too, Luce," he said. We stayed there like that, looking into each other's eyes. It was a good twenty minutes before Benton came in. Carter gave me a signal that indicated I should leave. I agreed. Again, I should have stayed.
"Romano's sewing her up," Benton told him.
"She was so young..." Carter sighed.
"Yeah..."
I stayed by his side for a whole year. I quit my job at the hospital and didn't even bother getting a new one. He said he'd support me, but I was never really hungry and didn't eat much. I was his companion. But he wouldn't kiss me. I never understood until now. I stayed by his side through the addiction, I kept telling him to stop. I didn't know why he kept doing it. I do now. I went with him to Atlanta. He bought me a seat on the plane, at least that's what he told me. He told me once that he thought he was crazy. I told him he wasn't. I didn't know why then, but I do know. There were so many things I didn't know then that I know now. He thought he was crazy because I was there. He thought he was hallucinating. He wasn't. He didn't want to kiss me because he thought I was a hallucination telling him what he wanted to hear, giving him a false sense of security. That's one reason he took the drugs. It was me. Had I realized it then, I would have left. One day, he was talking to Benton.
"I know you miss Lucy, Carter, but-"
"Carter, what is he talking about?" but he ignored me. He always ignored me when he was around other people.
"Benton... Please... Not now."
"Carter, you just have to accept it! She's gone. You almost died with her last year!"
"Benton stop!" Carter begged. He knew I wouldn't leave until I found out what he was talking about.
"Carter, listen to me!" Benton grabbed his shoulders, "She's dead. She died last February, remember?" then, I understood. I had been blind for the past year. Blind, deaf and stupid. I didn't see how sad people were. I didn't hear them talk about my death. I didn't hear Carter talk about me with my mom. I didn't see how people never noticed me. All that had mattered to me was Carter. He was the only one who I cared about. He was the only one who listened to me. It all clicked into place like a jigsaw puzzle. The pieces had been missing for a whole year but I had finally found the last one. I had died last February. I died on Valentines Day. And Carter never had the heart to tell me. He saw the realization on my face.
"I... I need a drink..." He looked at me and beckoned me to follow with his eyes. I nodded, tears running down my cheeks.
"Lucy... I couldn't tell you-"
"I understand," I sniffed when we were alone, "But... Where do I go? Do I stay here with you, or... Or do I do something else?" I asked.
"You're welcome to stay with me for as long as you like," he said. I smiled and he finally did it. He kissed me. It was warm and passionate and it was enough to tell him that I was real and not a hallucination. As he held me in his strong embrace and I leaned my head on his shoulder, I knew I didn't belong here any more. I knew what I had to do. I needed to let go. As if on cue, Carter disappeared and all around me was a bright light. I was going home.