In a galaxy very, very, very, very, very,
very, very far away, there lived a ruthless
race of beings known as... Spaceball Zs.
Chapter Twelve 1/2:
The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball Z, having
squandered their precious atmosphere, have
devised a secret plan to take every breath
of air away fromtheir peace-loving neighbor,
Planet Esperidia.
Today is Prince George's wedding day.
Unbeknownst to him, but known to
us, evil lurks in the stars above.........
* * * *
Space.
The Final Frontier.
..Well, for us saps on Earth, anyways. In a galaxy very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY far away from here, in the inky blackness of space, there was a very, very, very, very... (OK, you get the picture now) long ship and capatious ship lumbering through the stars, the words "We Brake For ChuChus" proudly stamped on a 60-story-tall bumper sticker.
This was the warship/mobile mall/zoo/circus/amusement park (Ok, it's capatious! We get the idea.)......... Spaceball Z-1.
On the bridge, the many orange-suited soldiers and techintions (who had orange domes on their heads, each with a certain number of red stars on the front) stood ready at their posts, and their Vice-leader, General Specific, watched over their progress carefully.
Why did I say "Vice-leader"? Because there was someone with more power than the diminuitive, constantly grinning, large-nosed general...
Someone more evil...
Someone more ruthless...
Someone who wanted sheep more than he would ever want in a lifetime...
That someone opened the sliding doors to the bridge, and all the soliders jumped from their seats and saluted.
"All hail Lady Black Dome!!" General Specific commanded as a looming, 6-foot, black-leather clad figure paraded into the room. On the figure's chest was a CD/Cassette player/recorder, making gender almost impossible to guess. and on the figure's head was a huge dome, two mouse-like ears jutting out, and an intimidating face mask that covered everything on the figure's face, making the breathing sound like something from a horror movie or something. The towering being stopped in front of the screen, and started to breathe harder and louder.
"*hoo-hah*....*hoo-hah*.... *hoo-* HAAAAAAAAAAIIIIEEE!!!" The figure hastily lifted up the visor, revealing the face of.....
A purple-haired girl.
"I CAN'T BREATHE IN THIS THING!!" she screamed, taking frantic breaths of air before proceeding to the bridge.
"General Specific," she started, looking down on her diminuitive right-hand-man. "I want you to put me on the line with President Kefka Pelazzo immediately- we are almost to Planet Esperidia and I want to personally tell him the good news."
"Uh.. he already knows." General Specific stated grimly. Black Dome fumed and turned to the crew with an enraged glare. As if to answer her unspoken question, one crew member, a peculiar-looking little pale-green, pointy-eared man rose his hand shakily.
"YOU WENT OVER MY DOME!!!" she screamed at the cadet (though I won't disclose Cadet Garlic Junior's name here. :p), who was shaking with fear.
"No, madam!! It was just a little to the side!! It won't happen again, honest!!"
"There won't be a next time...." she said grimly as she pulled a ring out of her pocket and slipped it on her finger.
"NO!! NOT THAT!!!!" the cadet screamed in horror. Black Dome pulled her visor back over her face as she held up her fist.
"Yes... THAT." she said, the visor making her voice MUCH deeper than her normal shrill voice as the ring shot out a deadly-looking beam of green energy The cadet shreiked as he held his hands over where his heart was...
But it hit in the WORST place a man can get hit- the forbidden zone.
The cadet took a loud, pained gasp and doubled over, clutching his smacked crotch. Two guards came over and took the stunned cadet away as Black Dome walked over to what looked like a radar. She wasn't sure what she what she was seeing with her obscured vision was correct, so he lift up her visor again.
"What kind of radar is THIS?!?!? What's all the churning and bubbling???"
"That, madam- is 'Coffee-san'!" General Specific said as he pointed to letters spelling out "Coffee-san" on the top panel. Black Dome facevaulted.
"O..o..of course!! I ALWAYS have my overly-sugared coffee before looking at the radar- right men??"
All the crewmen stood up and did the Planet Spaceball Z salute- what seemed to be a Kamehame Ha-esque pose, but instead, waving the fingers in their cupped palms.
"YO-HO!!" they all shouted proudly before sitting down again. Black Dome took a short stride before reaching the machine right next to the Coffee-san machine, with "Radar-san" inprinted on the top panel. She grinned wickedly as she peered at the planet on the screen.... Planet Esperidia.
"There it is, General Specific... 10,000 years of fresh air..." Black Dome said as she looked at the planet, her eyes set on all the air contained inside. "As soon as we kidnap the prince and make him our prisoner, we can blackmail Queen Brahne into giving us the combonation to the airlock..."
"Thus destroying Planet Esperidia and saving Planet Spaceball Z, right madam?" General Specific asked as he peered up and looked at the screen.
"Exactly. Let's hope he has a long marriage ceremony... because it's going to be a short honeymoon...." she chuckled, taking a sip of her coffee...
...Before spitting it out, but her visor slammed shut on her face mid-spit.
"
* * * *
The beautiful, peaceful Planet Esperidia was in full bloom today, because it was a joyous occasion (is there any doubt about it with all the peaceful-refs in here?): the son of Queen Brahne, Prince George was to be married to the beautiful (but constantly tired and yawning) Princess Duplica. Everyone was happy and waiting impatiently for the wedding....
Everyone except Prince George himself. The LAST thing he wanted to do was get married to someone he didn't love, let alone to a sleepy shape-shifter. But he knew his mother almost TOO well...
"Don't worry, Georgie! I'm sure you and Princess Duplica will have many happy years together!" the tubby blue queen stated joyfully, patting her (amazingly human) son on the back. "After all, I'm not about to let you follow the same fate as your sister Garnet- to THINK I have a Space-Pirate as a son-in-law!"
"But mother..." Prince George sighed as he looked at his mother. "I don't love her! Just because she has lots of land and the marriage will link our two kingdoms together doesn't mean that I HAVE to marry her..."
"But it'll make ME happy- you know as well as everyone else that my happiness is of most importance..." Queen Brahne whined as she hugged her son. "The wedding will begin soon- where is your droid of honor??" She scuttled off out of the gazebo, shouting, "Vandebot?? VANDEBOT 0801!!!!!" With a happy sound outside, she dragged in a 7-foot robot, looking like a certain vampire we know from Digimon Adventure.... "Where have you been? You're supposed to not only be the prince's bodyguard, but also hold his cape as he walks down the aisle!!"
"Terribly sorry, my Queen," the rich-voiced Digi-robot said as he bowed. "But I had to stop and get a bite to eat- do you know how hard it is to find O+ -type Robots on this planet?"
"Whatever. Just hold my son's cape, and follow him." the queen said as she took her son's hand and walked him down the aisle, Prince George seeing his blue-haired bride-to-be waiting for him, yawning.
"Dearly beloved," the Bishop said as he read the Holy Book of Espers in his hand, Prince George standing next to Princess Duplica. "We are gathered here to witness the state of holy matrimony between Princess Duplica Ikuzeto and Prince George Til Alexandros the 15th..who is stepping away from Princess Duplica..." And the Prince took to his heels, with Vandebot 0801 still clinging to his cape. "...Who is running out the door, away from the wedding."
"Stop that prince!! He still has to get married!!!" Queen Brahne shouted as she started to run, but started to pant heavily and sweat- running no farther than 2 feet before collapsing like she had just run a marathon.
As the group watched in shock, Prince George climbed into his 2400 Mercadez-DeLorian Spaceship, shutting the doors behind him, and the ship took off out of the atmosphere, passing through the airlock and certainly away from his wedding.
* * * *
Meanwhile, in the depths of space, a Winnebago shot through the inky, starry void, the turbines on its wings leaving a trail of blue and white exaust in its wake. The silence of space was broken by "Bad Medicine" blaring from inside. But even inside the SV, the so-called "noise" was amazingly slienced by something as quiet as...
*ring, ring ring! ring ring ring! phone call! phone call!*
The videophone's high-pitched voice stirred the space pirate Laura Digistar from her snooze, also hearing the blaring of loud rock music coming from the back. She sighed as she put her 'Neo Tokyo Sailorsoldiers' space-ball cap on the floor, calling for the source of the noise.
"Kai."
No response. She called louder.
"Kai!"
She grumbled, knowing that her pudgy blue sidekick was probably scarfing down most of the rice dumplings in the refrigerator. Which of course, he was doing, using his chopsticks like they had always been a part of his hands.
"KAI!!"
His antennae flickered a bit, sighing as he placed his chopsticks down and turning off the music.
"KAI!! GET IN HERE!!!" he took to his heels when he heard Digistar shout.
"You don't have to yell- I'm in here! What'dya want?" Kai said as he plopped down in the co-pilot's seat.
"Get the videophone. And put it on 'Audio Only'- the last thing I want is to see who's calling us." Digistar said as she pointed to the control panel, sitting up in her seat. Alas, Kai forgot which way the switch for no video went, so he took a guess...
...And on the screen appeared a metallic pretty-boy with long, silver hair, wearing what appeared to be a black trenchcoat with a LOT of belts, and a Masume sword hanging on his waist.
"Hello, Digistar."
"Sephitron. Long time, no see. What do you want this time?" Digistar replied, obviously unimpressed.
"Oh no, Digistar- it's not what *I* want," Sephitron said cooly, starting to motion his hand off-screen. "It's what Mama wants." With that, he motioned the camera to a fish-esque freak-lady, tentacles sticking out of various places on her circular body, who let out a high-pitched (and quite irritating) giggle that made the two space pirates cover their ears and cringe.
"Hello, boys and girls."
"JENOVA THE SLUTT!!!!" Digistar and Kai shouted at the same time, visuably startled by their grotesque boss.
"Yes, it's Jenova the Slutt. And if it isn't Laura Digistar and her sidekick Koi."
"...It's Kai, Ms. Jenova..." Kai replied meekly.
"Kai... Koi... whatever!" she replied, having at least 5 tentacles making it seem like she put her "hands" to her waist. (Or what looked like it, anyways.) "Where's my money?" her shrill tone suddenly became dead serious as she glared at the two.
"Listen Jenova- we were held up by some Pokémon a while back, and we're trying to get your 500,000 Space Yen--" Digistar explained, but was cut off by the Crime-Lady.
"500,000?? Keheheheheheee!!!!! You call that money, after the STUPID excuse you gave me??" She cackled, straightening her gaze at Digistar. "You forgot to count in Late Charges.... 1 MILLION Space Yen is more I like it. By tomorrow."
"ONE MILLION SPACE YEN?!?!?!?!?" Digistar and Kai gasped, their eyes widened in shock. "That's unfair..." Digistar replied, rolling her eyes back in disgust.
"Unfair to the payer," Jenova started as she leaned forward some more and cast a leer at the two. "Fair to the payee..."
"There's NO way we can get that much money for you by tomorrow!!!" Kai whined as he sunk back in his seat.
"You heard me, you lazy bums. By tomorrow. I want my money then... or else."
"Yeah," Sephitron added as he stood next to his mother. "Or else." The two started cackling like loons, with Sephibot sticking a doll of what looked like a blonde, spiky-haired SOLDIER with a huge sword in his pocket.
"Bye." Jenova said plainly as she turned off her side of the screen, leaving the two space pirates in shock.
"Great... I KNEW I shouldn'tve used the Pokémon excuse..." Digistar bemoaned, holding her face in her hands. "Now how are we going to get 1 million Space Yen by tomorrow??"
* * * *
Meanwhile in deep space, less traumatic trouble (but trouble nonetheless) was going on in Prince George's spacecar....
"Can we talk, George?" Vandebot said as he turned his head to the prince, who had what looked like a browner version of Sailor Moon's odango-atama hairstyle to his ears. "Look, I know you don't love Princess Duplica. But you have to get married! Then you'll only have a headache for the next 25 years!"
The prince seemed to not be listening at all.
"HEY! Take those off!"
Prince George turned his head to his robotic companion, then took off the odango, and the music coming from them tripled in volume. "What??"
"...Never mind..."
"And I don't want you calling me 'Prince George', either!!" he shouted, albeit loudly since he couldn't hear himself talk through his unusual headphones. "It's 'KENJI', OK? Why can't you say that?"
Vandebot facevaulted in his seat.
* * * *
MEANWHILE, on the atmosphere-less Planet Spaceball Z, on the capital dome...
"Uwe-heh-heh... I can ASSURE you and your viewers that as the President of Planet Spaceball Z, there is NO Air shortage here..." President Kefka Pelazzo chuckled nervously into his office phone, tapping a red-nailed finger onto his desk. "Yes, and I'm sure that the charges will be dropped. Good day!" He hung up the phone glanced around the room nervously. "...shithead..." he muttered under his breath.
Finding that there was no one looking, he pulled out a sliding drawer from his desk and pulled out an aluminum can, labled "Derrie-Air", which was one of the most pure and famous cans of fresh air in the galaxy- canned on Planet Esperidia, no less. He put the can to his pointed nose and took deep, intense sniffs of the pure, fresh air inside.
"President Kefka! Come in, President Kefka!!!"
The voice from the wallscreen took President Kefka by surprise, he threw the can backwards and stood up.
"This is Chief Commanderette Minako Aino reportning- do you read me, President Kefka?"
"Uh.. loud and clear, commanderette," President Kefka replied as he saluted Commanderette Minako. "Have you located the prince yet?"
"Yes, your excellency-" Commanderette Minako replied. "Spaceball Z-1 is heading in his direction- I can put you up to the Tele-view if you wish."
"Yes.. of course, Commanderette."
"Do you wish Scott-Oh-Ki to beam you up?"
President Kefka stopped for a moment and looked at the screen with apprehension. "...I don't know.. is it safe?"
"Oh, yes, your excellency; Scott-Oh-Ki beamed me up twice last night," Commanderette Minako replied in a slightly lustful voice. "It was wonderful."
"Very well- why the hell not... It DOES work in Tenchi Muyo..." With that, President Kefa stood up to the star-shaped pad.
"Scott-Oh-Ki," Commanderette Minako ordered to the said person off-screen. "Beam him up." With a say of approval, the President dissolved from the pad and reappeared in the Control Room where Commanderette Minako, Scott-Oh-Ki and a dozen or so Bridgemates sat at the control panel.
But something was wrong. VERY wrong.
President Kefka looked down and saw his entire backside, and finally came to the realization that his head was on backwards.
"Wha.... WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?"
"It's his head... it's on backwards!!" Commanderette Minako stated. "Scott-Oh-Ki, what's the meaning of this?"
"I'm sorry, sir," Scott-Oh-Ki replied in his thick Scottish accent, his huge, fuzzy brown rabbit-like ears twitching. "There must've been a mul-function or somethin."
President Kefka looked in horror at himself. "Why didn't anyone TELL me my ass was so big?!?!?" A few bridgemates snickered at his comment. "Beam me back- NOW!"
"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" Scott-Oh-Ki pressed a few buttons, and (with a quick scratch to his now-frontside rear-end) President Kefka was transported back to his office, his head back in the frontside where it belonged.
"So sorry about that, Mr. President," Commanderette Minako apologized over the viewscreen. "Shall we try that again?"
"NO!!!" President Kefka shreiked in horror. "Forget it!! No more beaming!! I'll just use the 1st to 24-and-a-half Century ability- to WALK!!" With that, President Kefka stormed off the pad and opened a sliding door...
Which contained the Control Center inside.
"MR. PRESIDENT SIR!!!" All the bridgemates stood up and did the salute. President Kefka did the same, only he flipped them off first while his hands were cupped before waving. With his hands behind his back, he strode into the room, greeting the bridgemates, stopping for a moment for two ladies.
"Hello, Mr. President." the two girls said at the same time.
"Why hello, ladies... Hello, Nabiki." He said to one of them.
"I'm Kasumi!" the girl exclaimed.
"Oh- Hello, Kasumi." He said to the other girl.
"I'm Nabiki!" the other girl exclaimed. President Kefka's head spun.
"....Go bother Ranma!" With that, Kasumi and Nabiki walked off. Commanderette Minako motioned the President over to the said Tele-view screen.
"Sir, Spaceball Z-1 has already begun to decend on Prince George's ship," she said as she motioned to the tiny dot on the screen being chased by a MUCH larger dot- a dot that nearly filled the entire screen. "Soon they will have him in captivity."
"Wonderful!" President Kefka replied as he clamped his hands togehter. "And soon, 10,000 years of fresh air will be OURS! UWHEEEHEHEHEE....!"
The entire crew sweatdropped.
* * * *
Alas, trouble always seems to follow royalty... For on their tail, was Spaceball Z-1!!! On the bridge, Lady Black Dome and General Specific stood, awaiting to capture their prize.
"There's the prince!! Fire some shots across his nose!!!" Back Dome shouted, pointing at the Mercades. In an instant of her orders, the gunner started shooting at the spacecar.
Needless to say, right ONTO the car.
"HEY!! What's going on?!?!?!" Prince Kenji shouted as the car started to shake violently.
"Either it's the Chinese New Year or we're under attack by Spaceball Zs!!" Vandebot replied as he took ahold of the car handle and held on tight.
"Spaceball Zs?!?!?" Kenji shouted angrily. "I don't have to put up with this!! I'm rich!!! I'm calling mama!!" he picked up the car phone and dailed aloud, "1-800-E-S-P-E-R-I-D-I-A". The phone rang a bit before he started speaking. "Hello? Mama, help!! Spaceball Zs are shooting at me and I'm scared!!"
* * * *
Back on Spaceball Z-1...
"HEY!!!! I told you to shoot ACROSS his nose- not UP it!!!" Lady Black Dome screamed at the gunner.
"Sorry, madam- I'm doing my best!" the gunner said, who appeared to be cross-eyed. Black Dome facevaulted.
"Specific... WHO MADE THAT GUY A GUNNER?!?!?!?!"
"I did, madam!" another crewman said, who was ALSO crosseyed. "He's my cousin."
"Who IS that guy, Specific?!?!" Black Dome demanded to the general.
"He's an Asshole, madam!" General Specific replied.
"I know that!! But what's his name?!?"
"That is his name, madam! Asshole! Major Asshole!"
"And that man?" she asked as she pointed to the gunner.
"He's an Asshole, too! Second-Class gunner Philip Asshole."
Black Dome looked disgusted. "How many Assholes do we have on this ship, anyways?!?!?"
In an instant, half the crewmen on the bridge stood up and saluted the Spaceball Z salute. "YO-HO!!"
"I KNEW IT!! I'M SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES!!!!" Black Dome shouted to no one before putting the visor over her face again. "Keep firing, Assholes!!"
* * * *
*ring, ring ring! ring ring ring! phone call! phone call!*
"God... that had BETTER not be Jenova again, or I'm rasing Hell, Snake Way and everything with it." Digistar muttered as she turned on the videophone (not noticing Kai's slightly shocked expression at her statement).
"Calling Laura Digistar!! Calling Laura Digistar!! Can you hear me??"
"That's not Jenova, that's for sure," Kai stated as a slightly tubbier figure appeared onscreen. "That's Queen Brahne of Esperidia!!"
"Quiet!!" Digistar snapped at Kai before turning her head to the screen. "All right, queenie, you have my attention- what is it?"
"Digistar, Esperidia needs your help!! My son Prince George has escaped!!"
".....and?"
"And he's being pursued by Spaceball Zs!!! We need you to save him!!"
"OH, NO!!!" Kai shreiked in horror. "We're talking about Spaceball Zs here!!!"
"Yeah, and we're pretty high on Black Dome's hit list," Digistar added, although not as freaked out as her partner.
"Please!! You must!! We'll do anything!!" Brahne whined as she clasped her hands together.
Digistar's eyebrow rose in intrest. "....Anything?"
"YES!! Anything!!!"
"How about.... a Million Space Yen!" Kai interrupted.
"A MILLION?!?! Well... umm... All right. One million."
"You've got a deal." Digistar said, smiling.
"Oh, thank you, THANK YOU!! Just be able to try to save the car- It's a Mercades-DeLorian 2400, painted white with the plate "ROYAL 1" on the back- I got it from my sister Mary- she owns a car dealership. It has leather seats- I got it for a really good price--"
"Ok, OK! We get it. We get the prince, we get the money. Thank you for your time."
* * * *
Meanwhile, abord Prince Geo-- err.. I mean Kenji's ship....
"Huh? What the--" Kenji glanced around as he noticed that the lasers suddenly stopped firing at the ship. "The lasers stopped!! Let's get out of here!!" He stepped on the gas pedal, expecting to get the hell outta there at high speed....
...But nothing happened.
"H...HEY!!! We're not going anywhere!!" he shouted as he still tried to step on the gas.
"Oh, we're going somewhere, all right..." Vandebot said shakily as he glanced out the window, seeing the same stars that they were passing going the other way. "...BACKWARDS!!!!"
But what they didn't know (unlike you in the audience), is that the Space-Winnebago was coming to their rescue! Of course, apprihension was in the air, as usual...
"Oh! It looks like they're doomed- let's get out of here!" Kai said quickly as he grabbed the steering wheel, petrified of even THINKING about Spaceball Zs... but Digistar grabbed Kai's hand and slapped it.
"You coward! Don't you have a sense of duty?!?"
"Ohhhhh... how are we going to save him??" he whined. "Those Spaceball Zs will catch us on Radar-san, then we're space-dust!!!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yah-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yah-huh!"
"Not if we jam it!"
Kai's funk suddenly disappeared with a sly grin. "Oh, yeah...." He pulled down the periscope and put his pudgy thumb on one of the buttons on the handles.
"Consider it.....JAMMED!" he said triumphantly as he pressed the button.
Almost immediately, a HUGE jar of Jam smashed its sweet, sticky contents onto the radar dish of Spaceball Z-1.
* * * *
Another cadet at the bridge, a short, stocky catet in a huge trenchcoat and a red pilot's scarf with mussy hair over his face (mostly his huge nose showing) was looking at the radar, when it suddenly went out. He picked up the intercom and called for Black Dome and General Specific.
"Madam? Lady Black Dome? Can I talk to you for a moment, madam?" He said, his voice muffled by the intercom. Black Dome caught notice of the cadet's call and she and General Specific walked over.
"All right- what is it?"
"Well--" the cadet was still talking into the intercom...
"It's OK, Cadet Klunk- we're here."
"You see--" his voice was STILL muffled, but Black Dome grabbed the radio transmitter and shook it violently.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!"
"Madam, it's the radar- I lost the beeps, the sweeps and the creeps." Cadet Klunk explained as he pointed to the fuzzed radar screen.
"..The what, the what and the WHAT?" Black Dome and General Specific said at the same time, completely dumbfounded.
"You know! The beeps," Cadet Klunk started making weird beeping noises. "The sweeps," then he started making a sound like a cross between a computer fan running and phone static. "And the creeps." Finally, he started making those "bling, burr-ing!" noises he's famous for.
Black Dome facevaulted and then grunted in disgust before turning to General Specific.
"That's not the ONLY thing he's lost..."
"H-hey!! The radar..." Cadet Klunk shouted as he pointed at the screen, which was now oozing a thick, red-violet-ish-colored liquid from the top. "We.. we've been JAMMED!!"
Black Dome leaned over and saw the jam leaking down the screen, then ran her black gloved-finger across one of the trails, licking it off of her finger and tasting it.
"...RASPBERRY!!!!" she screamed, the familiar tart sinking into her taste buds. "Only one person... one WOMAN... would DARE to give me the raspberry...." She closed her visor as the camera moved in for a dramatic close-up.
".......
The camera crashed into her face as she yelped and took a tumble to the floor.
* * * *
With her cover blown, will the brave Space Pirate Laura Digistar be able to save the Prince and his robot ward? Will Lady Black Dome ever clean the Raspberry Jam off of the radar screen? And will President Kefka EVER stop laughing? Tune in for the next exciting act of "SPACEBALL Zs"!!!!