Infiltrating Hogwarts... The Hermione Granger Fan Club's Quest

Narrator: "Once upon a fanfic, there lived nine mad Harry Potter fans
who banded together in their ultimate desire... to get Hermione
Granger's autograph. they called themselves The Hermione Granger Fan
Club. They were-"

(SCENE CHANGES TO AN AVERAGE PRETEEN'S BEDROOM. NINE SLIGHTLY ECCENTRIC
GIRLS ARE IN THERE, READING FANFICS AND LAUGHING)

Writer Woman: "Can we PLEASE come to order, you lot?"

Narrator(shakes head sadly): "Writer Woman was their prim and proper
president-"

Say What? (turns angrily to Narrator): "Oi! CO-president, if you don't
mind!"

Narrator (laughs): "And Say What? was co-president. She was... dynamic.
Carmel Cutie was slightly ditsy."

Outlaw (to Carmel Cutie): "So, who's your favourite Harry Potter
character besides Hermione, Carmel?"

Carmel Cutie: "Parvati Patil!"

Narrator (to audience): "See? Well, Outlaw was the, um, outlaw of
the group."

Outlaw: "What? Parvati PATIL? THAT DITZ?"

Narrator: "Smart Alec was a girl of few words."

Smart Alec (smirks): "No duh."

Narrator: "Ronja was a real wiseacre. No questions about her favourite
male character, eh?"

Ronja (revoltedly): "Writer Woman, you're wearing MAROON!"

Writer Woman: "So?"

Ronja: "I hate maroon. Anyone with a brain in their head hates maroon."

Writer Woman: "Well, soreeee!"

Narrator: "Ginger Kitten was the club's official typist, and very
sarcastic."

Ginger Kitten (from seat in front of laptop computer): "Ooh, yeah, I
just LUUUURRRVE maroon. It rocks!"

Writer Woman (to Ginger Kitten): "Oh, be a jem and shut up."

Narrator: "Em was the giggly one."

Em (reading over Ginger Kitten's shoulder): "Hey, you lot, a new Gitney
Spearheads filk! Ooops, I did it again!"

Narrator: "Finally, there was Leela Jordan. Aside from Harry Potter,
she loved Futurama and Kenan and Kel. Leela was outspoken, one-sided
in her opinions, loudmouthed and obsessed with a certain male
character..."

Leela Jordan (looks over Em and Ginger's heads and cracks up): "By
Lee Jordan's dreadlocks, that's hilarious! Can I review, pleeeease?"

(Ginger Kitten, Leela Jordan and Em all start having a huge fight)

Narrator: "Well, that was them. Dead weird aren't they? But one day,
picking up rubbish as a punishment for starting a riot in the
playground over a single snide comment from the Barbie Doll Fan Club's
president about their new badges... long story... something happened
that would take them on the adventure of a lifetime."

Outlaw (holding up a plastic wrap caked with crumbs): "This rots!"

Writer Woman (crossly): "It was only thrown there half a hour ago,
Outlaw. Get a clue!"

Outlaw: "Not just this stupid lunch wrap! The general situation!"

Carmel Cutie (angrily to Ginger Kitten): "I can't believe you tipped
your leftover lasagne over her head!"

Ginger Kitten: "Well, excuuuuse me! I was just sticking up for us! She
started it!"

Em (grinning wickedly as she remembers the BDF Club leader picking meat
sauce out of her hair): "Yeah, and we finished it!"

Leela Jordan (sniggers): "Yeah, nothing beats us!"

Ronja: "Mmm-hmm!"

Smart Alec: (nods furiously)

Writer Woman (straightens up, mopping her brow): "Well, we missed
Spelling and Maths but if we report to the Head quick enough we can
get to Art."

Narrator: "The whole lot of them looked up and saw their lunchboxes
under the trees, just where they'd left them. They jogged over, picked
up their respective boxes and started to walk away..."

Say What? (yelling over her shoulder to Smart Alec): "Keep up,
Smart Alec!"

Smart Alec (holds up her lunchbox): "Feels heavy."

Outlaw (sighs heavily): "Wimp."

Smart Alec: "It does! Look!"

Narrator: "She gave it to Outlaw, who almost dropped it."

Outlaw: "Yikes! This feels !@#$ heavy, you lot."

Narrator: "She handed it back to Smart Alec. Not that it was much of a
relief. The others began to complain about their own lunchboxes."

Em (not giggling AT ALL): "This is so HEAVY! D'you think the BDF Club
put sand in them, or something?"

Narrator: "They should have seen magic at work, each having read the
Harry Potter books too many times to count. But suddenly- their hands
clamped down on the lunchbox lids, they felt the irresistable navel
jerk that Rowling had described so well and suddenly it became clear-
their lunchboxes had been turned into Portkeys!"

Whole club, even Smart Alec: "YAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!"

Narrator: "As soon as they landed, they got shakily to their feet.
Where were they? It soon became clear..."

(Leela Jordan is pulled to her feet. She suddenly gazes at the horizon
with a mixture of shock and awe.)

Whole club except Leela: "What?"

Leela Jordan (eyes shining): "Holy Lee Jordan. Guys- it's HOGWARTS!"

***

How did you like them? The Hermione Granger Fan Club and all of it's
members are entirely my own creation. If you people out there like
this story, then I'll write a continuation. Check ya!