Disclaimer: This is a
work of fan-fiction. The here fore used characters belong rightfully to Marvel
and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this is the
pure pleasure of the reader, so no copyright infringement intended. Please do
not sue me, I don't have money and won't be getting some from this story.
Author's notes: This fiction is a sequel to my
story Prisoner of your eyes and is based just like Needle in my heart
and Don't walk away on the movie "X-Men". I know, that's a lot of
sequels, but it started as an innocent single story and developed a turn and
twist of its own, so I hope you'll enjoy this one, too. The change in font
marks the change in the speaker this time as well and I hope it will be
displayed as different fonts this time J.
Please let me know what you think about it, I am grateful for all the reviews and feedback I get so send some at Sonja.Triebel@web.de for I know that you are reading this J Archive wherever you wish to, but drop me a line so I can go looking for good fics there, too.
I thought it's just the right time
to bring another player into this, one they might have forgotten about.
It had been quite a while since Logan had left the mansion and since then they hadn't heard a single word from him. Not a single proof of life from him that told them he was at some place out there and that he was alright. In the school silence had returned since then, life went its orderly fashioned way and it wasn't talked that often about the man named Logan as it had been in the beginning, shortly after he had gone.
Scott didn't complain about this, if
the talks about the scruffy mutant silenced, he had well felt the change in
Jean's behaviour after he had left and he had known exactly what might have
caused it. The loss of his bike didn't bother him that much as the turn in
Jean's feelings towards him and he knew, why they had changed that much, why
they were now so much colder than before. Scott hoped that everything would
turn again the longer Logan stayed away and he also hoped that this would
indeed be a long time even if he would have never admitted that openly in front
of the Professor or the others. He wanted to win Jean back for him and hoped
that for this it might not be too late, that he hadn't lost her already
~/~
Jean was in their room, the one she
shared with Scott and she was alone. Scott was in the control room where he had
something to do. The Professor had called for him. She sat on the bed, her
knees drawn to her chest and the glance of her green eyes was turned into
emptiness. Jean felt empty, emptier as she had been ever before and there was
nothing with what she could have filled this empty space in her heart. There
was nobody with whom she could have talked for nobody could possibly understand
her, especially not Scott and with him she could have talked the least to.
Jean still tried to get her feelings
under control and what she wanted the least was to hurt Scott. She knew that it
would be inevitable, she had to tell him some time, at the latest when Logan
would return one day, if he returned one day. Although she hadn't received any
message from him, she didn't really expect one but secretly she had wished for,
hoped for at least something, she wished for nothing more than for Logan to
come home again, to return to her. Jean had felt his emotions, the deep love he
had had for her, but she also knew that he had respected her decision, a
decision whose rightness she began to question more and more and thought the
wrongest thing she could have possible ever done. Would he be able to forgive
her and believe her, when she would confess her feelings for him? Would he
still want her, when she told him that she loved him, truly loved him and
forgive her her mistake, to have hurt him so much?
Jean wished so much to hold him in
her arms and to tell him, just how much she loved him. Would he still feel the
same for her as he had felt when he had left? Or would his feelings have
changed over the time and would he still be able to love her, could he still love
her, after all that she had done to him? Could he possibly still love her after
all?
Jean clutched her arms tighter
around her body and glared into nothing, the pain in her heart too much to
bear.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the
intercom. Scott told her, that he had been sent to a mission by the Professor
with the Blackbird and that he wouldn't be in the mansion for a while. Jean
wished him luck and deactivated the intercom, her thoughts were far away, with
another man and not with him.
Would Scott know, had he noticed the
change in her feelings towards him, her emotions? She didn't want to hurt him
but she hadn't wanted to hurt Logan too and allowed him to leave without that
she had had a chance of telling him her true feelings, her true emotions for
him.
But what about Scott, would he
understand it, that she still loved him but her feelings for Logan were simply
stronger than they could be for him now?
Jean stayed back alone, alone with her
feelings and thoughts. She didn't know what kind of mission it was, Scott had
to do for the Professor and she wished he would return back to her unharmed,
but if she were honest to herself, than she even more wished for Logan to
return, that he still felt for her the way he had felt when he had left. She
hoped so much that he still would love her and that she would have the courage
to confess her love to him.
~/~
The mansion is empty, I feel that everybody has either
gone out or left the social rooms to return to their own rooms. I have felt
Scott's emotions, he is bitter and I am the reason for it. His feelings for me
are unchanged, but it is I who have changed. I don't want to hurt you Scott, I
really never wanted that and I hope that one day you will be able to
understand, to understand that I still will love you too, but in a different
way now, not like I did before. Please understand that, I never meant to hurt
you, you were my first love, the first true love I have ever felt in my life.
But at the moment my heart beats not that strong
anymore for you than it does now for Logan. I hope you can forgive me and
understand it one day, I don't want to loose you as a friend, the best and only
friend I've ever had and will have. But I have made my decision and have to
deal with the consequences now, no matter how painful they might be for you or
for me. Please forgive me, when I have hurt you and hopefully you will be able
to forgive me that, for this I hope so much.
Oh, Logan, wherever you might be, come back to me. I love you and hope that you still will be able to feel anything for me. I don't know where you are, but let me know, let me know whether you still love me. I don't want to loose you too.
~/~
I know
exactly what is wrong, I have felt the change of her feelings even if she did
everything to keep it from me, to keep me from finding out. I know well that
she loves him, more than she loves me. I don't know what's going on in her, she
has shut me out but I so much want to understand it, understand her. What does
he have, that I have not or cannot give her? I would do anything for her, would
die for her and she shoots me right through the heart like this. Jean, what
have I done that you no longer love me, can no longer love me? What have I done to deserve this? I
would go right to the end of the world, the universe to make it undone and that
you would be able to love me again.
It is
him whom she loves now, whom she brings so strong feelings to.
Oh, I
have well noticed it for I am not so blind as people would think I am or she
might think. I have seen the glances he threw towards her and those she had
returned to him when she had believed I would not see, would not notice.
I
don't know exactly when she had begun to change, since when she had developed
feelings for him but she did and with that I am loosing the only woman that had
ever meant something to me in my whole life.
I am
now going to a mission, towards uncertainty but I am glad to get a bit
distance, to get away and be able to clear my mind for now, to be sure of my
own feelings again. She hadn't even asked what kind of mission it was.
It
pains me when I see, how she mourns after him, suffers because he had gone even
when it is I who is lying in bed next to her at night. It hurts so much when it
is him whom she thinks of even when it is me who's holding her in his arms and
no matter how much she wants to hide it, a bit slips through every time that
she wishes to be his hands she is holding even if in reality she holds mine.
But it
hurts me the most to know that it is his lips she is imagining to kiss when it
is I whom she has in front of her. This pain is unbearable for me, it is the
pain of love that is stronger than everything else I had to endure during my
whole life and what makes it even more painful than the bullet, that had gone
right through my heart is that I still love her. I cannot change it, but I
still do love her, for she is the only woman who means more to me than my own
life and I so hope for that she will be able to love me again just like she had
loved me once, I wished for nothing more than that. Love is painful if it is
not returned but it is even more painful when it had been retuned once and then
cooled off.
I feel
empty when I think of how she wants to be happy with him, just like we had
wanted to be happy together before. In a certain way she has shot me and the
shot gone right through my heart. What is left for me are nothing more than the
broken pieces of our relationship and the wish that he would never return. I
have never wished something worse to happen for anybody and I still don't but
the only chance I have if I want Jean back, and that's something I will never
wish more for to become reality again in my life, is that he will never come
back to us. Only then I will be able to earn her love for me again, something I
truly want more than everything else.
Until
that day will happen on which I will have the certainty that Jean will belong
to me and can love me again, I will have to bleed from the hole, the shot of
rejection she had put right through my heart.
All
that's left from us is the question, what I could have possibly done to deserve
that, to deserve this much pain caused by her, and my feelings I still have for
her after all, after all she has done to me.
I
wished for nothing more than to hold her again in my arms and see the love
shining in her eyes, that is only meant for me. And I hope that it won't be too
late for that, too late for us and a second chance, that she can still love me.
Would that be too much to ask for?
Somewhere
in your heart must be something left for me, that still beats for me with love,
Jean, 'cause I love you, more than you can imagine.
~fin~