Change of Heart (Part 5-Disclosure)
Author: Brenda, ScribLL@houston.rr.com
Part: 5/5
Rating: G
Summary: Aeryn realizes her mistake. This is set about a month after 'A Bug's Life', Aeryn got better all on her own and Crais is still captain of his command carrier. The first draft was written in the long hiatus after ABL. Any resemblance to later episodes was a frelling surprise to me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything about Farscape. All characters, except the few I created, belong to Henson studios and the SciFi Channel.
With many, many thanks to Kat for her encouragement, advice, and for reeling me back in when I get over my head. And for the 'sting' at the end.
Disclosure
Paulto found Aeryn in one of the staff cabins. A console was activated, with text across the vidscreen, but Aeryn stood at the window engrossed in the starfield.
"You should be in the medic bay."
"No. I'm fine," she said without turning around.
"You're all right?"
Aeryn glanced back at him over her shoulder. "I made my choice."
"Good," Paulto said, a satisfied smile returning to his face. It had been with him since Crichton and the Leviathan had left. He had been relieved when Aeryn did not choose to leave with the Human, but he also chose to believe that the outcome was never in any doubt. He could think of no reason that Aeryn would wish to remain in exile, dismissing the Human's claim. Only her sense of loyalty to a shipmate had demanded that she help him.
After the escape pod had ejected, they had gone back to the main communications room. He had been surprised when Aeryn knew just what to do disable the communications array. She just shrugged and said that she had learned a few new skills in her exile on Moya.
The ordeal had taken a visible toll on Aeryn and he had sent her back to the medic bay. He had joined the repair crews to help as he could. At his first rest period, he had searched for her there, then found her here instead. She was staring at the stars.
"The repairs are going smoothly. The drive may be operational in another six arns. I'll be glad to be out of the uncharteds," he sighed. "We've been here too long."
"Practically a lifetime," Aeryn murmured.
He stood beside her and looked out at the stars, too, content somehow just to be at her side. "Just think, Aeryn, in a few days we'll be at First Command and a few days after that, back in regiment. With any luck, we'll get sent to the front right away. I've heard rumors that the Batari have been steadily advancing, but not for much longer, eh? Not with Sun and Jetaal back in business."
"Is that why you did all this?" she asked quietly.
He turned to look at her profile. "Of course."
"Or is there something more?" she asked turning to face him.
Paulto swallowed and turned back to the stars, silent.
"Paulto, you're like a brother to me—"
He cut her off. "I never asked for anything else."
"No, you never did."
They stood in awkward silence, until Paulto tried to change the subject. "What have you been studying?" he asked nodding towards the console.
"I've been reading about the Batari revolt. Do you know why they are fighting?"
"Does it matter?"
She ignored his comment. "Peacekeepers have been exploiting the borinium mines on Batar for the past twenty cycles. The Batari have always worked the mines; they are the planet's most valuable resource."
"So now they work in them for us."
"The environmental conditions in the mines are such that only the native Batari can tolerate them for more than an arn or two. This made supervision of the miners by non-Batari a problem. The Peacekeeper solution was to remove some of the Batari young to a training facility on another planet. They were treated well, trained in mining operations, and taught that they were superior to the general population, made fiercely loyal to the Peacekeepers, then sent back to supervise the mining operations. They were so oppressive to their own people, that the miners rose up and murdered them, in some cases, parents killing their own offspring or siblings, their own brothers. That was the beginning of the revolt."
"They are barbarians."
"No," she shook her head sadly, "Peacekeepers—we—did this to them."
"That's not our concern. We are Peacekeeper soldiers. It is our duty to fight where ever we're sent."
"They never did like us to think for ourselves, did they?
Paulto gripped her by her arms. "What are you talking about? Why are you reading all this anyway, and what does it matter?" As he talked he kept squeezing her arms harder until she grimaced from the pain in her shoulder and he let go. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I just don't understand."
"I'm a warrior; it's what I was bred and trained for. I'm just not a Peacekeeper anymore."
"No, you don't know what you're saying."
"Crais was right—I have been irreversibly contaminated and for the first time, I'm glad."
Paulto glanced nervously at the door. "Shhhh! Keep your voice down. You'll ruin everything."
"This was a mistake, Paulto. I don't belong here now."
"No, you'll be all right as soon as we're back in combat..."
"I could still leave in an escape pod..."
"...these ideas will all go away..."
"...you could send a message to Moya, telling them where they can pick me up..."
"...you're hurt and you're still not thinking clearly.."
"...if I left as soon as the drive is repaired, this ship would be out sensor range before Moya returned..."
"...when you're feeling better, you'll see..."
"..I should have seen it sooner..."
"..this is for the best," they ended simultaneously.
There was a long pause, their eyes locked, pleading with one another.
"Help me."
"No."
"What can I tell you to convince you?"
"Nothing."
Another long pause, then she began again. "The drive did not malfunction. I set a pulse rifle on overload near the shielding conduits to stop the ship, so it couldn't get away from Moya. That's how I got hurt. I was trying to get away before it went off."
Paulto closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Then he opened them again. "I wasn't sure."
Another pause. She started, hesitated, then began again, a determined resolve in her eyes. "I...I had sex with the Human."
His rage ignited his muscles to action. He pinned her to the wall before she finished. This time he ignored her grimace at the pain in her shoulder.
"So the Human was not lying."
"He told you?"
"I didn't believe him." He reached for some other explanation. "Then he forced you."
"Not likely. I was not injured...then."
She stared at him defiantly without the decency to even act ashamed. "I should kill you."
"It would only be a matter of time, anyway, before I am discovered. I'll fail to follow an order, be caught associating with some inferior species, or hesitate to slaughter some defenseless Batari whose only crime is defending his homeland. Only then I would be a traitor, doomed to the Living Death. Killing me would be a mercy."
His hand tightened around her throat. She didn't fight him, but began to strain to breathe and he felt her chest heave against him. He squeezed harder, but his rage demanded the kind of satisfaction that only combat could give, his muscles tensed for action—why didn't she fight him? She would just let him kill her—let him kill his...heart.
Like a damn bursting, his rage drained away. His hand eased from around her throat. He closed his eyes and leaned against her until their foreheads touched. "I can't," he said choking.
Aeryn remained perfectly still. "Then let me go."
Paulto raised his head to look at her. He raised his hand to lightly caress her face, letting it memorize its contours as his eyes had long ago. He nodded slowly. He released her and stepped back, composing himself in the time it took to do so.
"I'll see how long before the drive is ready. The repairs to the communications array will have to be finished by then, too," he said, and then added more softly "You'll have to send a broadcast message. How can you notify the leviathan without attracting the attention of Crais's carrier?"
"I have a way. You'll have to create a diversion, though."
"I'm in charge of that work crew; I don't think that will be a problem. Get your message ready."
Aeryn's brow furrowed.
"Worried?"
"I just hope they'll come back for me."
"Don't worry, he'll come back."
"How do you know?"
"Because I would."
***
John stood in Command watching the leisurely movement of the stars. He had volunteered to take the watch while his crewmates got some well-deserved sleep. John, too, was tired from his ordeal, but restless. He doubted that sleep would come easily for some time to come. How long ago was it that he had lain content with Aeryn in his arms? Two...three days? Without the rising and setting of the sun, it was hard to tell. But it hadn't been very long. Now everything had changed again. He realized he should be used to that by now. Change was the only constant in this particular corner of the universe. He couldn't afford to get too comfortable, as if it were even possible.
Moya was still gathering her strength for starburst, so they were traveling along at a leisurely hetch 7. With the rest of Moya's crew sleeping, there was plenty of time for thinking. Too much time. He had tried not to think about Aeryn, but had soon given up. She would occupy his thoughts for a long time to come. In the last few days, she had taken him on the emotional roller coaster ride of his life. From love to hate to...what? He wasn't sure. The ride had left him numb and for the time being, he was grateful for that. He didn't want to think about what would happen when the numbness wore off. Right now, he simply missed her.
John heard the distinctive sound of a single set of footsteps behind him. He could recognize them all—the telltale swish of Zhaan's robes, the direct stamp of Aeryn and D'Argo's military boots distinguished by D'Argo's much heavier step, Chiana's much lighter and irregular step although she could be disturbingly silent when she chose, and the whine of Rygel's chair since he rarely waddled his little hiney anywhere if he could help it. .
"D'Argo, I thought you were supposed to be getting some rest," John said without looking.
"I'm not a tired as I thought."
"Well, I could use the company." He turned to D'Argo and smiled gratefully.
D'Argo nodded.
"How did you persuade your friends to settle down? Chiana said they weren't too happy about giving up the Peacekeeper ship."
"I threatened to send Keegan out the airlock. And it would have given me great pleasure to do so. I cannot trust a man who measures ethics only by the size of its purse."
"Without him and his fighters, I doubt that I could have escaped," John reminded him.
D'Argo grunted. "If not for him, you would not have been captured in the first place. I consider his debt repaid."
Of course, thought John, it made perfect Luxan logic.
The silence stretched between them. D'Argo occupied himself checking some of the sensor readings, but John had the feeling that he was stalling, that there was something he wanted to say. He waited.
"It felt good," D'Argo began slowly, "to finally be able to confront my enemies, attack, instead of this incessant running. It warmed my warrior's blood."
Then he seemed to switch subjects. "Aeryn is my friend. I do not wish to see her dead although, I admit, it conflicts with my desire to see the Peacekeepers destroyed."
John smiled inwardly. This was as close to an apology as the Luxan could probably come. "I understand, D'Argo. I'm sure Aeryn would, too."
"I hope I'm not interupting, Commander," said Pilot.
"No. What is it?" John asked.
"We received a broadband broadcast message, but it may be encoded—it doesn't seem to make any sense."
"What does it say?"
"It's to a vessel presumably named 'James Bond'. It says that Mata Hari is waiting to rendezvous at her last known location."
John smiled broadly as Pilot read the message. "It's Aeryn. We have to go back."
"Are you certain?" asked Pilot.
"Absolutely. Turn Moya around."
***
When they arrived back at the original coordinates, the Peacekeeper ship was gone, only some residual particle fluctuations evidence that it had been there at all. There was no immediate sign of anything else. John had no idea how long an escape pod could maintain life support, but given its size, he knew that its power had to be fairly limited. In the half arn it took to locate the faint energy signal from Aeryn's escape pod, John had gone from excited anticipation to nearly frantic with worry as he unsuccessfully fought his fears that they were too late. Zhaan had finally sent him down to the transport bay to wait. He had no sooner arrived than Zhaan announced to him that the escape pod had been located and that the docking web was bringing it in.
John watched anxiously as the transport pod floated toward him and the maintenance bay held by the invisible strings of Moya's docking web. When he saw Aeryn move her head through the pod's window, the flood of relief drained him of all energy. Their eyes locked and for a long moment he stood rooted to deck after the pod came to a stop.
At last she knocked on the glass. The dull thump reminded him that she needed assistance to open the pod. He felt as if he had to command each muscle to move as he kneeled down to release each latch and lifted the hatch.
"I was afraid for a moment that you weren't going to let me out," she said as she sat up.
"I considered it. It would probably be safer...for me."
"Probably," she agreed.
John raised his hand to her face, his fingers wrapped around the curve of her neck, his thumb caressing her cheek. She closed her eyes as he tenderly kissed her along her eyebrow.
"We have a lot to talk about," she said.
He pulled back to look at her. "Yes. But not now," and he kissed her on her mouth.
Aeryn kissed back.
"John, Aeryn...prepare for immediate starburst."
***
Starburst placed them only an arn away from the commerce planet, where they bid a less than reluctant farewell to the trader Keegan and his mercenaries. Paulto had given Aeryn the last known coordinates of Crais's command cruiser and Pilot set a course in exactly 180 degrees in the opposite direction
John announced that a celebration was in order. They broke out their meager food supplies and collected in the central chamber. From somewhere, Aeryn produced a small keg of an alcoholic drink that she called 'quanjon'. John asked her if it could be used for stripping paint as well as killing brain cells, but she assured that it would grow on him.
D'Argo told them about confronting Keegan about his part in the Peacekeeper plot and then his surprising offer to join Moya with his mercenaries. Aeryn told them, about pretending to go along with Paulto and overloading the pulse rifle to disable the drive, injuring herself and nearly killing John in the process.
As it got later, one by one the party excused themselves, until only Aeryn and John were left.
John sat down next to her straddling the bench and poured them each another quanjon. "I guess it's just us."
"Actually, I think Zhaan arranged it."
"Yeah," John agreed. She could feel his eyes watching her expectantly, but she fixed her eyes on her glass, her hands nervously playing with it. John asked neutrally, "How's your shoulder?"
"After four of these," she said as she lifted her glass, finally looking at him, "I don't even think I have a shoulder."
He smiled briefly, but held onto her eyes. "I'm sorry."
Not at all what she expected. "Whatever for?"
"For doubting you, for believing that you would use me to get back into the Peacekeepers."
She shook her head. "What else could you believe?"
"I should have trusted you."
"I'm not so sure. I didn't know that the whole thing with Keegan and the map fibers was a trap, but I should have. It was so obvious."
"Well," John shrugged, "Hindsight's always twenty-twenty."
"Twenty-twenty?" Another of John's Earth expressions.
"Things are often obvious after the fact," he translated.
"No, you don't understand. I met with Paulto two days before," she confessed.
"Before?" Was he surprised or angry—maybe both, she couldn't say for sure, but she could feel the tension build. She hadn't intended to hurt him anymore than he already had been, but she meant to tell him everything.
"I should have told you—I should have told all of you. He laid out his plan, telling me that if I turned you over to the Peacekeepers, that they would take me back. Paulto offered me the one thing I thought I wanted most. I'm sorry to say, it was a more difficult choice for me than I would have liked to believe.
"I was angry with you for being in the way and angry with myself for even considering it."
She could see the recognition in his eyes; he knew her all too well. "Hurricane Aeryn hit your quarters."
"Yes. The next day I came to my senses. I realized I could never trade your future for mine."
John sat for a long moment, thoughtfully rubbing his lower lip with his thumb. "So, you felt guilty for considering his offer."
"Among other things," she admitted.
"Guilty enough to want to make it up to me?"
She was suddenly unsure of where this was going. "What are you getting at?"
He looked her straight in the eye. "Is that why you slept with me, Aeryn?"
"No!"
"Then why, Aeryn?"
"Because—because I also realized how deeply I care about you."
"But not enough to come with me in the escape pod."
How could she explain this so he would understand? "I thought it was for the best. You would be safe on Moya and I was going...'home'." She swallowed hard, her mouth dry.
"Then why did you come back?"
"After you left, Paulto and I spent some time covering our tracks—damaging the communication array, arranging it to look like you escaped on your own. Because of my injury, I was excused from the repair crews. I needed to occupy myself, so I began to find out something about the Batari. The Batari rebellion would very likely have been my first assignment. I found a report describing a brutal Peacekeeper experiment for controlling the miners on Batar.
"As I read that report, I found myself more and more sympathetic towards my supposed enemies. It was really no different than Peacekeeper operations on a hundred other planets, but somehow it seemed different. I had the sudden realization that it wasn't the Peacekeepers that were different. 'I' was different. Before, I had never questioned my superiors, or considered the rights of an inferior race, but I find that now it matters to me.
"I know I was thrown out of the Peacekeepers when Crais pronounced me irreversibly contaminated, but I still felt like a Peacekeeper inside. But somewhere along the way, I stopped being a Peacekeeper. I became...something else, I don't know what, but I knew I had made a mistake."
John had listened intently to her explanation, but she could tell he still wasn't satisfied. "Is that the only reason you came back?"
"Well," she said changing tactics, "It is all your fault. I was very happy being a Peacekeeper before you came along."
He tilted his head; she had surprised him. "You think I had something to do with your change of heart?"
"Of that I am very certain. And I think it's only fitting that you should have to suffer the consequences."
"Suffer...consequences?" He blinked twice, then a smile began to play at the corners of his mouth. "Will it...hurt much?"
She leaned towards him, threatening. "Only if you resist."
She was very pleased. When she kissed him, he didn't resist at all.
***
At this velocity the nearest stars went by so fast, they looked like streaks of light. Only the farthest stars stood familiarly at rest. It was an illusion, he knew, this fullness of space. In reality space was overwhelmingly empty, as empty as he felt inside. Paulto found himself spending too much time watching the stars since he helped Aeryn into the escape pod, leaving her to the fate she had chosen.
Aeryn had told him that it was just an accident that Crichton had come through the wormhole at just precisely that moment in time, killing Tauvo, helping the Leviathan to escape, taking Aeryn with them. Just a random incident that set into motion the sequence of events that took Aeryn away from him. Some species might call it 'chance', but Paulto was a Peacekeeper and for them there was no such thing. Peacekeepers were the champions of order in a universe on the verge of chaos, a high and noble purpose, which unfortunately, sometimes required less noble actions on the part of its protectors.
Paulto looked down at the receiver in his hand, the indicator blinking steadily admiring its innovational design. It tied into the ship's communication array as it could tie into any large local receiver. The signal from the tiny transmitter in Aeryn's shoulder was designed in such a way that any faint magnetic field in its vicinity boosted its power exponentially giving the detection device an unheard of range. It was an ingenious device that the inventive Debrian had not wanted to part with, and Paulto hoped to ensure that someday his death would not be wasted.
For the time being duty called. Once they were finished with the Batari rebellion, the Peacekeepers would return to the uncharted territories in force. Crichton had gotten a reprieve for now, but the Human's days were already numbered. And when that time came, Aeryn would need her old comrade again.
He would be ready.
***
FIN