It was a relatively nice, sunny day at Hogwarts. Everybody was happy,
cheerful, and all around politically correct. All the nice little Purebloods
were very happy playing with the nice little Muggleborns, and all was loving,
and peaceful.
Harry Potter, and his three best friends, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger,
and Draco Malfoy –
"OW, Potter, get that shit out away from my face!"
"Draco, dear, you don't like Harry's pudding?"
"I'm sorry, honey… I didn't mean to be rude!"
"Now apologize, Drakey!"
"All right, all right… SORRY, HARRY… Are you happy, Ron? I'm
doing this all for YOU!"
Wait a second! No, no, no… Harry, why are you making pudding? Draco,
watch your language. Ron, you're not dating Draco. That's inappropriate for
children under thirteen, and we must keep this all G-rated!
"But – but… I love him!"
"You DO? Ron! I had no idea you were this serious about me!"
"Of course I am! Draco, will you marry me?"
"Yes, YES! I thought you'd never ask!"
Sigh. Harry, you never answered my question.
"Mwhahahawha?"
Pardon me?
"I said - *gulp* - I love pudding."
Surely you don't mean that!
"I do. Pudding is the love of my life."
What about Hermione?
"What about her?"
Aren't you two dating?
"Hell, no! She's with Dean!"
Dean? But that's inter-racial relationships, and children aren't
ready for that until the age of-
"Mwhahamm?"
What?
"I SAID, do you want some pudding? It's CHO-CO-LATE…"
Uh… No, thanks.
Alrighty then. Let's go visit Hermione then, shall we?
"…and remember Dean, next time YOU buy the condoms."
Oh, my.
"Sure thing, Hermione. And tell Severus that I ain't his bitch no
more."
God. No, wait, I didn't use the lord's name in vain. Wait. Oh. Crap.
No, scratch that!
Dean… Hermione…
"Yes?"
"Yes?"
You two aren't… *gulp* …sleeping with each other, are you? Please
don't tell me you two are engaging in underage sex…
"Okay, we won't tell you."
URGH.
What's this about Professor Snape, Dean? *concerned* Has he been
mistreating you Gryffindors?
"Er…"
"Uh…"
"Not quite 'mistreating'…"
"Yeah, he's very gentle in a rough way, *giggle*"
"Hermione, has that mothafucka been…"
"Deaaaaan… Don't be so protective. Yeah, he's a regular client,
sure, but he's good! He even paid for that last abortion…"
Hermione's been pregnant? Clients?
"Well, what do you think I do all day? Sit there and read?"
Uh, yeah.
"That doesn't pay, unlike that corner on Hogsmeade."
Corner? Uh-oh…
"Yeah, and she be mah best gal!"
Dean's her pimp?
Crazy Gryffindors. Let's check on someone nice and safe… Like the
Ravenclaws. What does Cho Chang do in her spare time?
"Oh Satan! Take me as your loyal slave, I offer my body and soul to
your cause, oh-"
Cho…
"Hullo."
What was that?
"Nothing…"
Why do you have '666' tattooed on your forehead?
"Uh…"
Why is there a sacrificial cat on an altar? Wait… Is that Mrs. Norris?
Does Argus Filch know?
"Erm…"
*deep breath* Hufflepuff. Nice, normal house. Let's go visit Hannah,
Justin, and Ernie.
"Where's my whip?"
"Dunno, Hannah… Have you seen my whipped cream?"
"Justin, did you take my leather thong again?"
"Noooooo…"
"ERNIE! Did you take my leather thong?"
"Nope."
"WHO HAS MY LEATHER THONG?!?"
"Flitwick stopped by earlier, maybe he has it."
"No, he bought his own last Friday."
*clears throat loudly*
"Oh, hi! Have you seen my leather thong?"
No. Er, nice dominatrix suit you got there, Hannah.
"Thank you."
Remind me why you have a dominatrix suit, again…
"Why wouldn't I?"
God, I'm getting a migraine…
"What does this have to do with Hannah's leather thong?"
NOTHING! Ernie, shut up! Ernie… why are you wearing a tutu?
"It makes me feel pretty."
Ah, I see.
Justin, I… er… like your bra?
"That's sweet, it's really Hannah's. I'm just borrowing it for
my date with Vincent."
Crabbe?
"Yes. Oh, he's such a sweetie!"
Right… I'll just be going now…
"But don't you want to stay and play?"
What?
"Don't you want to see my new game?"
Hannah… why are you looking at me like that? Why are you slapping that
whip against your thigh like that? No, wait – don't – OW!
"So ya wanna play rough?"
RUN!!!!
*several minutes later*
Well. That could've been worse.
Maybe the Slytherins…
"Millicent, pass the coke."
"Pansy, you pig, you wouldn't even share that joint with me
yesterday! Fuck you, I'm not giving you my shit!"
Caaaatfight!
"Ladies, ladies…"
*simultaneously* "Shut up, Blaise!"
"Blaise, you are the suckiest dealer in Hogwarts."
"Yeah, but I get you the goods. Where would you be without me?"
"In Mexico, that's where."
"No need to get nasty, Pansy. Just because Millie won't share…"
"Oh, so it's Millie now? Is she sleeping with you, now?"
"Nooo…"
"Yes, she is! I can tell!"
"Noo…"
"Wait… why is she twitching like that?"
"Dunno, is that supposed to happen?"
"You stupid idiot, you're the drug expert here!"
"Hey, I get all the stuff from Greg! How should I know?"
Gregory Goyle is a drug dealer/druggie? Well, that's… predictable.
"Shit, I think she's dead…"
"We'll have to bury her, you know."
"And tell Dumbledore."
"Hah? You kidding me? The old man's about to croak!"
"What now? Are his AIDS acting up?"
*snickers* "Yeah. Bet he's regretting that night with Karkaroff. But
who knew he was an HIV carrier, anyway?"
My God. No comment.
*checks list* Who's left to interview?
*runs finger down list* Tom Marvolo Riddle.
Voldemort?
"Cup of tea?"
Thank you.
"Oh, you're quite welcome."
Yes. So… What? No drugs? No leather fetish? No gay relationships? No
Satan worshipping?
*laughs* "Of course not. I'm just your average Dark Lord, trying to
get by in this crazy world."
Amen to that.
"Would you be interested in joining my organization?"
Can you promise that I'll never have to go back… there… *points to
Hogwarts*
"Of course not. *shudders* Azkaban is the preferred choice of most
ex-Death Eaters."
Azkaban? YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!
*laughs hysterically*
I gets to go to Azkaban! Dementors are my bestest friends! YAY!!!!
*sigh* "Yes, security… Another muggle… Throw it in the loony bin
with the others, yes."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
"Oh, do you like my leather thong?"
#$@%!!!!!!!!!