Can I do this? Can love kill love? I am doing this because I need to protect him. I always have, I always will, and I must now. But can my love for him kill my love for these people, people who have taken me in, made me their own, given me something I have only had from one other person? They are good people. They are kind, caring, wonderful people. Do I have the strength? Have a lost enough of my humanity yet to do something so abhorrent, even to protect the one I love most?
How long before I become what they think I am? How long before the name "Chiriko" is not a role I have taken on, but the person I believe myself to be? How long until the moment I cannot hurt them because I believe myself to be one of them? Not long, I think, because I love them already. And if that happens, what of Shun? I cannot let myself love them, for his sake, because I have to protect him. I love my brother...and yes, I would kill to protect him. Only him. But can I kill a young girl's happiness, a young man's love, the warmth and friendship and love exuded by these people? Unconditional love. Trust. Can I truly shatter all that? Can I pick up my flute when the moment comes, and split them with its shrill sounds? Can I?
It's late, I should be resting, getting ready for tomorrow. But here I am, standing in my room, the battle in my heart not half finished. Even if I reach some conclusion tonight, I know I will still be battling this demon all the way up until, and during, the ceremony. I wish I could ask Shun-chan about this, but that would put him in danger. Nakago watches him like a hawk, and if I wrote to him, to tell him I'm having trouble going through with my mission, I'm sure Nakago would somehow find out. No, I must grapple with this issue alone.
I'm no fool. I know Nakago doesn't give a damn whether I live or die. For that matter, I don't much, either, as long as Shun-chan's safe. He won't be if I fail. Nakago won't be able to kill him, because he'll need him. But torture isn't beyond that sadistic monster's capabilities. "We'll take good care of your brother," he said. Lies, or rather a simple phrase underpinning his unstated threat. My success determines my brother's safety. Which is why I have to go through with this. Which is why I have to kill seven living, breathing human beings. Kill them. Watch them die, screaming in agony as I shred their souls to pieces. I can't believe I'm thinking this. I can't believe I'd even consider doing this. I WON'T! I won't give up my soul to that monster Nakago. I won't let him compromise everything I believe and hold to be true! No, I have to, I have to, I have to, for Shun-chan. For Shun, for my brother. I won't think about it, about how I am going to have to kill Miaka, the girl who has given me the kindness that has been the warmth in my life while I have been away from my brother...no, shut up, shut up, stop thinking about it! This is for Shun. I may not want to do this, no, I don't want to do this, but I vowed always to protect my brother and I will not break that vow. So I will have to harden my heart, and try and stop thinking. Stop feeling. Gomennasai, Miaka, gomennasai. I love you. I don't want to hurt you. But I have to...for my brother.