Another Hot Day In Tatooine
Once upon a time a man walked in the sand. More specifically, it was the vast sand of the Dune Sea of Tatooine. And what was this man's name, you might ask? Well, you can call him Ishmael if you'd like, but his name was Spaz Blacklighter. He was a normal man; a little man. He was a man about a head shorter that most men and he was a man who was very irritable.
Here he was, on Tatooine, abandoned by his former buddies because he cheated at space poker (a game of poker in space). He walked around, looking for shelter. He was hot. He was thirsty. He had sunburn. What he would have given for a tube of suntan lotion. SP 45, preferably. Just once applied would do. The sun was terrible. He thought a lot about the sun. About why it was called the sun. About why it was so hot. And why when you looked at it you would loose your sight for a little bit. All very good questions. He was thirsty. Very thirsty. He wondered how those people on Survivor: The Australian Outback survived.
He saw an oasis off to the left. Never-ending streams of water! Luscious, exotic fruits! Beautiful, naked mermaids! Well, maybe he was getting his folklore mixed up, but he didn't care. It was water! He ran to the small green patch as fast as humanly possible. But when he reached it, he realized it was only a mirage. He would have cried if his eyes weren't so dang dry.
He walked some more. After many hours of this, he saw a craft fly past him, high in the air. He waved to it and upon its next pass it stopped and picked him up. He was over-joyed. Two men lead him to what must have been their leader, because they bowed to him and feared him greatly.
The leader was fat, to say the least. One could even say that he was grotesque. He looked like an overstuffed slug, inching its way through life. He talked in some strange tongue that Spaz didn't understand.
Now, unknown to Spaz, but known to us, this overstuffed slug was the notorious Jabba the Hutt. Hutt spat and gloobled at Spaz, but Spaz had no idea what he was talking about. He spat some more to no avail and finally just gloobled something to his men. Three big, green aliens grabbed Spaz and tied him up. He stayed in that position for five minutes. At that time they picked him up and dragged him over to the balcony. He looked down and saw with fright that a gigantic hole was in the ground. This hole had spikes of some sort on all sides. They looked like teeth.
Once again, unknown to Spaz, but known to us, this "hole" was actually the Pit of Carkoon, the lair of the carnivorous Sarlaac. One thought circled through Spaz's head as they picked him up and threw him overboard: Crap!
He fell. Fear struck him harder that a ten-pound weight would his toe. He fell and fell and fell and just when he was getting ready for the big crash, he stopped falling. He opened his eyes and saw that he didn't fall into the pit; he merely fell twenty feet before landing on a land cruiser that just happened to fly by. Unfortunately, just then a proton torpedo hit the hull of the ship, exploding it before his very eyes.
Once again, Spaz Blacklighter fell. He hit the ground with a thud and blacked out.
When he came to, he was in a large ship that moved slowly across the sand. He could tell from the inside that it was the Jawas' Sandcrawler. The hull was filled with an assortment of parts, droids, and oil stains.
On his two hour trip to wherever it was they were taking him, Spaz met some pretty unusual characters. Besides from the walking trashcan bot and the banana-dispensing bot, a golden protocol droid and a white astromech droid were the most interesting. The gold one was named "Seethreepio" and the other one just beeped. He found out that they were stolen from the desert a little while ago and were looking for some Ben figure. Spaz thought it was a pretty boring story, but didn't want to be rude about it. He thought he could put it lightly some how.
"That story sucks." He said.
"Oh, well, if you'd like, I can say it in one of two-million different languages. Would you like that?" The gold bot said.
"Well, I'd prefer if you didn't."
"Oh, I insist."
"Ok, whatever."
"Alright. Hacke snoo ploup dorjinu uunt floopy-zork doop. Languesgh ruentupawashadalamakasa–"
"Wait a second! Is that really a word?"
"What? Ruentupawashadalamakasa?"
"Yes. That one."
"Oh, yes. It is very common in the Znorgulija language."
"Then what does it mean?"
"The."
"'The?' Really? That's it?"
"Yep."
"That must be the longest word ever."
"Not really. In Yupian, yohudigjesizuquespnizuomocaldakfdairuirljkmo-caldakfmocaquespnizuo is the longest word."
"Holy shit." Spaz replied.
The Sandcrawler then stopped with a jolt. The doors opened and two men came into view. One was blonde and kept whining about something or another. The other was taller and referred to the whinny one as "Luke."
"Uncle Owen," the whinny one said, "Aunt Beru said I could pick out any droid I want!"
"Shut up, you spoiled brat! One more word from you and I'll beat you so hard, Darth Vader will feel it!" The "Owen" guy said.
"Why would Darth Vader feel it, Uncle Owen?"
"Uh. Because, um. . . well, you see, there is a time in every foster parent's life when he mistakes his foster child's father for an evil Sith Lord. But that doesn't mean that it's true, understand?"
"Um, yeah, Uncle."
Owen picked out the Seethreepio guy and a R2 unit. They were almost gone before the R2 unit exploded and fell apart. Owen cursed at the Jawas and picked out another R2 unit, this time the beeping one that Spaz was talking to. They walked off and the doors closed. The Sandcrawler moved on.
Two and a half hours later, the doors opened and they were forced out. It was nighttime and they were in Mos Espa. They went into a small store in the Mos Espa Marketplace and were locked in a small room. They stayed there all night.
In the morning he awoke to a soccer-playing droid kicking him in the face. It was more cramped in there then he had thought. From the outside, the door was unlocked and opened. A big bug like alien appeared. He looked like an oversized fly with very small wings. He had a nose like an elephant and feet like a bird. He had the definite distinctions of a Toydarian.
In a hoarse voice he grunted, "Hello, and welcome to Wacko's Used Parts. You have been selected to be our half off droids. I have paid much for you so don't screw it up. By the way, I'm Wacko, son of Watto, grandson of Whippo, and great grandson of Wimpo. Please make yourselves not at home."
"Um, sir," Spaz said, "I'm not a droid."
Wacko looked him over briefly before saying, "Prove it."
Not knowing what else to do, Spaz said, "Well, I've got a butt crack. Droids don't have butt cracks, do they?"
"Well, no, I suppose they don't."
"Well, look at this then." Spaz said before mooning Wacko for all to see.
"Ok, Ok! Put that away please!"
"I've got something else droids don't have. . ."
"No! That will be fine, thank you. Please get the hell out of my store before you scare the customers."
"See ya." Spaz said, and then he left. He walked down the street for a while but found nowhere to turn. He was stranded. Then he thought about those nice folks at that farm that took the droids he had met. He thought that maybe they would let him live there for a while. It was worth a shot, so he started walking out of town. Once again he was in the desert, trek in the sand. He had found out from one of the natives that the "Lars Family Moisture Farm" was just West of Mos Espa. Now he just followed the light path that was made by people's footsteps and the air that pushed against the ground as landspeeders hovered.
Sure enough, about a mile and a third from Mos Espa was the homestead of the Lars family. He had gathered from the locals that the family consisted of Owen, Buru, and Luke. Luke was a foster child. Apparently, his father had been killed by Darth Vader, but his body was never found.
The Lars family seemed like nice people, anyway, because they had immediately ran over to greet him, probably thinking he was a potential customer. He introduced himself and made a Volcan V. They countered with a Shalom and a bow. Spaz, thinking this was some kind of challenge, countered that with an Ugnaught grunt and a Captain Kirk suck-in-your-gut-and-shake-their-hand-firmly hand shake.
"I'm. . . so glad. . . that we could. . . meet. . . for the first. . . time. . . in this. . . universe." Spaz captain-kirked.
"Oh, well, it was nice to meet you too. Come on in, will you?"
"Oh. . . I'd. . . love to."
They showed him in.
For some time they sat and talked. Spaz explained how he got there and such while Owen sat and nodded and Beru made tea. The conversation was dramatically changed over to Luke. "So how's your son?" Spaz had said.
"Oh, he's great." Beru said behind the teakettle.
"Yeah, well, actually, he's not our son. He's Anakin Skywalker's."
"Honey!"
"What? He is!"
"Who's Anakin?" Spaz asked.
"Oh, he's Dar–" Owen said before the phone interrupted him.
Beru picked it up; Spaz could see that it was one of those new video screen phones. In the three-by-three inch screen, he saw a black figure that could only have been Darth Vader.
"Yeah. . . . . Uh huh. . . Oh, just great. He is really strong with the force. . . . . No, the good side. Well, I'll try to get him to convert but. . . . . Don't worry, he has no idea. He went to play with some friend of his. . . Ben, I think. . . . . Hmm, yeah, it is a little suspicious that he has friends all of a sudden. . . . . Yeah, I'll get right on it. . . . . . Ok. . . . . . . . Ok. . . . . . .Oh, my. Well, bye." She hung up the phone. "That's interesting. DV wanted to know about Luke."
"And?"
"And he said to be careful because he just sent out a group of stormtroopers to burn the house just North of us. What a weird man."
"If you ask me, he's a monster." Owen said.
Spaz was in way over his head. He had no idea what was going on. "Um, who is this?"
"Oh, its just Darth Vader, sweetie. He wants us to take care of Luke, his son, for a while."
"Oh."
"By the way, how is that sack of shit going to pay us for this?" Owen asked.
"I don't know. Oh! Maybe we can get that sweet man–Oh, what's his name–Bossk to make us some more of those brownies. Those were so good."
"Shut up, woman! We are not being paid in brownies!"
"Oh, but they're so good!"
"For all you know, they could be poison! Besides, we can't feed Luke and ourselves with Trandoshan brownies!"
"Well, actually. . ."
"Oh, shut your pie hole!"
And then there came a knocking at the door.
"Now, who would be knocking at this hour?"
"It's the Stormtroopers. Can we come in?" Said the man behind the door.
"Well, if your looking for a place to burn, we have neighbors to the left of us who would be willing to. . ."
Outside were seven stormtroopers dressed in white plastic. They were pouring gasoline everywhere. The head guy barked commands and the other guys followed them. They light a match and set the house on fire. Flames creeped up the walls and in through the hole in the wall where a window should have been.
"Let's get out of here!" Owen yelled as he directed Spaz and Beru out the front door.
Unfortunately, waiting for them outside were two stormtroopers. The stormtroopers opened fire on them and soon both Beru and Owen were dead. Spaz Blacklighter ran as fast as he could. Once he was sure he had run far enough, he looked back and saw that the troopers were gone. He began to walk.
He walked for three hours. He was just about spent when a speeder drove up and asked if he'd like a ride. Of course, he accepted. In the speeder were Eeth Koth and Plo Koon. They introduced themselves as Jedi Masters and explained their unique gifts.
"I'm a Zabrak. I am known for my mental discipline and willpower." Eeth boasted.
"Really?" Spaz questioned.
"Yep."
"Hey, want a candy bar?"
"No, I'm fasting and chocolate is definitely a no-no."
"Oh, come on. Just a bite won't hurt. Everybody's doing it."
"Well, ok. Just a bite, though." Eeth said and then gobbled up the candy.
"My God!" Plo said from the driver's seat. "You were fasting, Eeth! What the hell were you thinking?"
"I don't know. My willpower was completely destroyed by the 'everybody's doing it' excuse. It must be the peer pressure."
"You do know that that fasting was for world peace, right?"
"Yeah, but world peace, who wants that anyway?"
Plo sighed and then said, "Well, anyway, I'm a Kel Dor and my ability is highly-developed extrasensory organs. That means I can smell, touch, taste, or–" He sniffed the air. "Did you just fart?"
"Uh, no." Spaz said.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive." Spaz said before farting really loudly.
"I knew it!" Plo said.
"How did you do that?"
"I told you, highly-developed extrasensory organs."
"That's sweet."
They drove five more minutes then stopped. They had reached Mos Eisley. They said there good-byes and Spaz walked off. He went into a nearby bar and looked around. Max Rebo's band was playing on stage. He saw a dark-haired man with a Wookiee sitting at a booth with a green alien. The alien must have said something that angered the man, because in the next instant, the alien had a blaster shot in his abdomen and the man was gone.
Once Spaz noticed that Rystáll, the exotic woman from the Max Rebo Band, was making advancements on him, he decided it was time to go. Once outside, he saw that Luke guy walk into the bar with an old guy and the droids. For some reason, the droids stayed outside. He walked over and talked to the droids a bit, and he found out that Luke and some guy named Ben were going to Coruscant. That was pretty much all he got from them. The R2 unit said something about beeping in the bleep bloop or something like that and then fell silent.
When Luke and Ben came out, they had the dark haired man and a Wookiee with them. Spaz met up with them and introduced himself. He asked if he could come along on their space ship and they reluctantly said yes. They got in their speeder and were about to set off when a couple of stormtroopers stopped them.
"What's the problem, Officer?" Ben asked.
"Can you step out of the speeder please? And don't try anything funny like speeding away or anything."
Ben waved his hand in front of the stormtrooper's face and said, "You don't need to do that. Were not who you're looking for. You like to wear women's underwear."
"Oh. We don't need to do that, Bob. They aren't the ones we are looking for. I like to wear women's underwear."
"What are you talking about, Carl? Of course they are the ones we are looking for. Vader gave us a picture." The other stormtrooper said.
"No, no. These aren't the guys."
"Yeah they are. Look." He showed him a picture of Luke, Ben and the droids.
"Oh, no. Those aren't them. We must have the wrong people. By the way, the Jedi rule! Viva la resistance!"
"Bye." Ben said as they drove off. He laughed; "What goons," he said.
As they drove off in their landspeeder, Spaz was formally introduced to everyone in the vehicle. They drove off into the sunset and towards their next adventure. This was certainly not the end of Spaz Blacklighter.
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