Zell's Trippin' Parodies

by Zidell Retrix

Zell falls into a world where all his friends are whacked up on media's pop culture.

Zell	Ahhh!!! There's someone in my room and he's sleeping in my bed!
Ms. Dincht	It's alright. He's renting it out. I needed some extra chinyen and he needed a place to stay.
Zell	But the sacred...
Ms. Dincht	Oh, Zell, it'll be fine
Zell	Who is he?
Ms. Dincht	His name is Damien. He's the brother of Zanzibar. I'm sure you know him.
Zell	Holy Hell! Damien is the devil! Zanzibar is the black angel of death!
Ms. Dincht	Shhhh! You'll wake him. Besides, he has good references. Mrs. Aeriseth, from Trabia Garden, vouched for him.
Zell	But she went insane! After the Garden shattered she started talking to statues and she named her horse first consul!
Ms. Dincht	That doesn't mean anything.
Zell	She calls herself Nero Augustus Tiberius Caesar!
Ms. Dincht	Well, anyhoo, it'll be fine. Why don't you go play with your friends? Take your mind off things.
Zell	There's nobody but Squall and he doesn't say anything but '...'
Ms. Dincht	So he's kinda strange. Isn't he dating that Rinoa girl? She would've been great for you. What about Selphie?
Zell	...I'll just leave. I'm going to talk to Edea for a bit...be back for supper.
Ms. Dincht	Alirght, don't be too late.
AT EDEA'S
Zell	Hey Edea, waz up?
Edea	...Hello Zell, what is on your mind?
Zell	I'm bored and my mom gave my room to the devil.
Edea	...Right. Damien is but a small threat to the empire. If he gathers a rebellion, though, I will amass a large army of anti-Zedi knights to crush him. Zell, I leave you in charge of the Death Star.
Zell	Edea, you've GOT to lay off the magic stuff, it's warping your head.
Edea	No, Zell Vader, you must get Damien Skywalker. The force is strong with him.
Zell	Is Cid around?
Edea	Yes, the master will see you now. Don't underestimate his power. That's the will of the dark side.
Zell	Sure...whatever.
Cid	(walks in) Zell, I'll give you a choice. Take the blue pill and you will wake up and believe whatever you want to. Take the red pill and I'll show you how far the rabbit hole goes.
Zell	Huh?
Cid	Do you believe in fate?
Zell	Uh, no. I don't like to think that I'm not in control of my own destiny.
Cid	Then put on a black trench coat, sunglasses, and learn to bend and break the rules. The Retrix has you Zell.
Zell	Um...gimme the red pill.
Cid	Remember, I am but a messenger. The choice is yours.
Zell	(takes red pill) Nothing happened, Chief.
Cid	Go now. Seek the oracle. He goes by the name of General Caraway.
AT CARAWAY'S MANSION
Zell	Hey Rinoa's dad, long time no see.
Caraway	You do know that you're a replicant?
Zell	A wha...?
Caraway	You have a four year life span. Wouldn't obstruct replication but does give rise to an error in replication so that the newly formed DNA strand carries the mutation and you've got a virus again.
Zell	I want more life fu...
Caraway	The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And you have burned so very, very brightly Zell.
Zell	You're...Tyrell?
Caraway	I am your creator. That's J.F. Sebastian right over there.
JF	Hi there. I'm a biological engineer. There's some of me in you.
Zell	Some sort of freakish toy.
Rinoa	(enters) Run Simba, run and never return!
Zell	Rinoa?
Rinoa	You killed Mufasa!
Zell	I did who?!
Guard	(enters) You must be wet-wired to the mainframe! There's a virus and all of the low-techs need you, Zell Mnemonic!
Zell	...okay, hand over the crack.
Guard 2	(enters) Let me just shove this metal probe up your a-a-s...eye.
Caraway	All of you, stop it! We need to give him a voigt kamph test first.
Zell	Well, son of a...
Caraway	(calibrates VK machine) Where do you live?
Zell	Balamb District, fourth sector
Caraway	You open up a magazine and see a full nude photo of a...
Zell	Is this testing whether I'm a replicant or a lesbian Mr. Ceckard?
Caraway	Just answer the question, please.
Rinoa	(interrupts) Hyenas! In the Pridelands!
Zell	Shouldn't you be be with Squall or something?
Rinoa	*No, he's into calculus and stuff. Kind of a hacker now*
Zell	Ha, that's kinda funny.
Rinoa	I'm a big shot rock star! Play with Milli Vanilli, call 'em lip-syncers for short, make 'em do my tech support. It's all about the Pentiums. What! What!
Selphie	(enters)
Caraway	Child-like empress!
Selphie	Zell, you must wish or there will be no more Fantasia
Zell	What the hey?
Angelo	(enters) Yo Quiero Taco Zell!
Rinoa	Angelo Rush!
Zell	I'm going to tell you something you may not like. I'm going to tell them about a world without you, a world where anything is possible.
Rajin	I AM the pumpkin king!...ya know.
Fujin	Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games. We've got everything you want...
Zell	Woah, man! You people are majorly screwed out of the mind, insane in the membrane. Completely out!
Selphie	Save us Zell!
Zell	How?
Caraway	Spank us!
Rinoa	Oh, yes Zell. Do spank us!
All	Spank us!
Squall	(runs in) I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!
Zell	...
Fujin	...spank us...
Caraway	We are the knights who say "nee!"
All	Nee
Zell	Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam into the back of my Dragula!
All	Doin' it baby
All	Doin' it baby