Unresolved
(part II)
by Quelirain
Something was ringing, loudly, driving railroad spikes into Duo's already-throbbing brain. He moaned and pulled the pillow over his head and found himself face to face with a picture of Relena Peacecraft and Heero Yuy, arms around each other, both smiling at the camera. That picture had been taken at Quatre's Christmas party three years ago—Relena had sent it to him, along with a long letter that he had never been able to bring himself to destroy. Duo moaned again, but this time not from the headache. It wasn't an alcohol-induced dream. Hilde was really gone.
Sitting up, Duo swung his legs over the side of the bed, then promptly covered his mouth with his hand and ran for the bathroom, where he emptied the contents of his stomach into the porcelain bowl. //This is not going to be a good day... ah, Shinigami, thou art weak.//
That persistent ringing started again, and Duo finally recognized it as the doorbell. He flushed the toilet and splashed some water on his face, then glanced at his reflection in the mirror. //You look awful,// he told himself. //Definitely not fit for public viewing.// But it wasn't going to get any better, and if he answered the door, at least that blasted ringing would stop. Pausing in his room to pull on a pair jeans and a white T-shirt, Duo stumbled to the door and looked through the peephole before that annoying bell could rip through his head another time.
His ever-present smile froze on his face once he saw who was standing on the other side of the door.
One blond Arabian, about 5'8" now, with a much taller brown-haired boy with one emerald eye towering over him. A shorter Chinese man with a black ponytail. And a cold-eyed brunette with unruly hair who stood at eye level with Duo.
//Shit. I knew this was going to be a bad day.//
Silently, he slid down to sit on the other side of the door. Maybe if he waited long enough, they would go away.
***
They all heard the thud of Duo falling against the door.
"C'mon Duo, we know you're in there," Quatre called, tapping the door insistently. "Open up."
Heero let Quatre tap for a few minutes before tapping him on the shoulder. Quatre stepped aside. After thinking for a moment, Heero rammed his fist through the wood, then calmly reached through the hole to unlock the door.
"All right, all right aleady! You don't have to break down the door," Duo called.
Heero shrugged. "If you'd let us in, I wouldn't have."
"Just a sec." They heard a shuffle behind the door, then Duo appeared. The four pilots slipped silently in. As Quatre passed by Duo, he noted the bloodshot violet eyes with dark circles underneath, the smell of alcohol and vomit combining with the smell of sweat, and greasy locks of dull brown hair floating around his head.
Duo looked at him wanly. "I was up late last night. You woke me up." He gestured to a cozy living room, done in dark brown and cerulean blue, with a loveseat facing the window at the front of the house. The sofa sat at a right angle to the loveseat and in front of a window. A low rectangular table of dark wood with rich blue inlays was placed in the space in front of the sofa. "Would you like something to drink? I think I have some tea, juice, something stronger?"
"I'd like some tea, if it wouldn't be too much trouble," Quatre said.
"Come on back." Quatre followed Duo into the back of the little house, leaving the others in the living room.
***
The kitchen was sparsely furnished, with just a table and a two chairs on a plain hardwood floor, placed as if someone had had a conversation there just a few minutes earlier. Duo shuffled through cabinets, eventually extracting tea and a brightly colored teapot. He filled it with water, turned on a burner underneath it, then sat down. So did Quatre.
Duo was silent.
"No one's seen you in a long time, Duo," Quatre began.
"You make it sound like I dropped off the face of the colony. I didn't. I just wrote more, that's all," Duo replied defensively. "Hardly merits a trip out here."
Quatre met and held Duo's eyes until Duo looked away.
"This is about Hilde, isn't it."
"I heard she moved back to Earth," Quatre said.
Duo wished frevently that something, anything would happen to give him a graceful way out of this discussion, but Quatre continued to watch him with that damned gaze, the look that made you want to spread your soul out on the table and dissect it with his help. And *Heero* , of all people, had appeared at his front door with his cold eyes, which Duo was certain had taken in the obvious aftereffects of his alcoholic haze of the past two days. The whole situation was extremely unsettling, and Duo wished he had Hilde here to help him get his head together. But she was on Earth, and he doubted she was coming back.
But for now, he shrugged. "There's nothing to worry about, Quatre, really. I've just had a rough couple of days, that's all."
The teakettle whistled.
Quickly, Duo got up and handed Quatre a mug before he could ask more questions. "Quatre, I'm going to take a shower. Tell the guys to help themselves to whatever's in the fridge. I'll be out in a bit." He slipped through an almost invisible door to his room.
***
"Heero?" Wufei's eyes were filled with concern. "Are you all right?"
Heero blinked. He must have tuned out for a while.
He'd expected some sort of reaction to seeing Duo again, but not this. His stomach had clenched, his heart ached, and a strange wave of sadness, anger, guilt, and fear washed over him. He didn't know if he'd wanted to hold the braided American or hit him. He'd relieved some of his tension when he punched through the door, but as soon as he'd actually seen Duo, he'd both wanted to run away and pull him close. Or maybe just shake some sense into him. //Stupid baka. We're his friends. Why wouldn't he want to see us?//
//Or maybe he didn't want to see me.// He blinked again, feeling something stinging in his eyes. //Get a grip, Yuy.// As he'd been taught so long ago, Heero ignored the conflicting emotions within to get to the point. "Duo would never let his hair get that dirty unless he was sick or injured."
"We did just drop in on him. He's in the shower now," Quatre said, sitting down next to Trowa with a mug in hand.
Flatly, Heero pressed on. "Duo's showing signs of sleep deprivation. He likes to party, but he's not a heavy drinker—yet he smells like he threw up," Heero added, carefully avoiding eye contact with Wufei.
Wufei sighed. "I should have mentioned this before we came, Heero, but Hilde left Duo a few days ago. It's understandable that he'd be upset."
"I know about Hilde," Heero snapped. "But that doesn't explain his odd behavior at the door."
"Duo's entitled to his privacy. Quatre's right—we did just drop in on him. He wasn't expecting company." Heero felt Wufei's eyes studying him. "You really should fix the door."
Heero's emotions roiled, but he didn't fight to control them. //I promised Fei I wouldn't shut down... but why don't they see what's happening to Duo? Can't they see it? Or don't they care?//
"Heero, have you factored your perspective into the situation?" Trowa asked calmly.
"How so?" //How can they be so calm? I should be calm... but I promised... didn't suspect it would still be this strong...//
"You haven't contacted Duo in over three years," Trowa explained. "Look how much you've changed in that time. Duo has changed as well, and additionally, he's under duress right now. What you see as signs of a problem may just be a combination of those two factors."
//Why can't I find my logic?// "No," Heero insisted tightly. "Duo had faced worse than this head on. He wouldn't hide behind a door."
Wufei took a deep breath, then gazed at his lover tenderly. "Are you sure about that?"
Heero took a deep breath. //Facts.// "Duo has dark circles under his eyes. He usually sleeps well. He appears to have been drinking heavily, to the point of vomiting. Duo has *never* gotten that drunk. He did not want to see—" Heero paused. //Logic.// "—at least one of us, and chose to avoid the problem. These are empirical facts that are not tainted by my reaction to the circumstances. They also contradict basic elements of Duo's personality. People cannot change that much in just a few years."
The boys were silent, then Wufei said softly, "Can't they, Heero?"
Heero closed his eyes as his emotions reached a tumultous peak. Memories pushed at his weakened barriers. //I can't lose it. Not here.// So there was really only one choice. Heero took it. //I'm sorry, Fei...//
//Mission failed.//
Chilling prussian eyes with black holes for centers looked up at the other three pilots. "I wasn't objective," Heero calmly admitted. "Although the available data suggest that there may be something wrong with Duo, I don't have enough information to make that judgement. We'll have to wait and see."
"That's reasonable enough," Quatre agreed.
A little corner of Heero's mind whimpered. He steadfastly ignored it.
***
Hot water pounded relentlessly against Duo's skull, easing the ache inside as hot water washed away the accumlated oils and stench of the past few days. //If I stay in here too long, I'm sure they'll get Heero to break down this door too,// he thought sarcastically.
//Why are you here, Heero? What more do you want from me?// Several memories stirred, but only one floated to the surface. Closing his eyes, Duo let water run over his face.
//"This...this isn't right."
Heero sat straight in the chair while Duo lay on the bed, watching Heero impassively. "What's not right?"
"Duo...you...you love me."
Duo wanted to laugh. Heero sounded so surprised... as if he didn't already know Duo's feelings. But the look on Heero's face warned that whatever he was trying to say, it was important. "Yes?"
"Duo, I don't know much about what love is."
Duo closed his eyes. What was the baka thinking? Heero had made some major steps to join the human race since the war; did he really believe that Duo wouldn't be patient with him in trying to explain an emotion that those with normal childhoods had difficulty understanding? "I'm willing to teach you, Heero. I'm willing to be patient."
Heero raised his head to watch his friend. "I know. But Duo...based on what little I know...I don't love you."
Duo fought to remain calm, reminding himself not to jump to so many conclusions. He opened his eyes, meeting Heero's lifeless stare.
When Heero turned away, Duo knew it was over. Still, Heero's next words punched through him like bullets. "And based on what little I know...I think I love Relena."
Duo stared at his lover. Relena? Relena Peacecraft? That annoying blonde who'd followed him everywhere she could throughout the war?
Duo stood and left. He would not cry. Not for Heero. But he didn't want to see those prussian eyes ever again.//
Emotions from the past mingled with emotions from the present as the hot water washed away the salty tears from Duo's cheeks. //Damn you, Yuy, making everything so complicated.//
He'd gone off to L-2, working numbly to build an orphanage—until Relena started calling him, over and over again, until Duo had finally listened. And something had thawed him. Something about her.
Switching off the shower, Duo dried off briskly. There was something to be said for taking showers. He did feel more together, although the throbbing in his head hadn't eased. He put on black pants and a black shirt, and as an afterthought, he added the scarlet vest. //A little color to keep them from deciding I'm depressed to boot.//
After brushing and braiding his hair, Duo approached the living room quietly, knowing that they would be talking about him.
"That's reasonable enough," he heard Quatre say.
When the conversation didn't continue, Duo decided to reveal himself. "What's reasonable enough?" he asked.
"Pasta for dinner," Quatre replied. "Easy to get, easy to make, and very filling—it might be able to satisfy Shinigami's legendary bottomless stomach."
Duo's stomach rumbled, reminding him just how little he'd eaten in the past few days. He laughed. "Nothing shall satisfy Shinigami!" he declared. "But you foolish mortals may attempt this task."
***
Dinner felt like a flashback to the days spent in safehouses during the war, although now they ate in much more luxurious surroundings of Quatre's apartment on L-2. Duo juggled his meatballs before eating them, Quatre snuck glances at Trowa, Trowa pretended not to notice, and Heero spent his time coolly evaluating Duo. It felt good to be together as a unit again, but the warmth that had once been in Heero's glances toward Wufei was gone. Wufei doubted that Heero even aware of anyone else's presence aside from Duo's. //Just like the old days,// Wufei thought. By the time they'd finished talking, it was late enough that even Duo was ready for bed, so they decided to camp out at Quatre's for the night.
Wufei prepared for bed in silence. Heero was busily tapping keys on his laptop. He waited for Heero to come to bed, needing reassurance that the others didn't view him as an outcast. But Heero just kept typing away.
After an hour of lackluster medidation, he finally asked, "Heero? What are you working on?"
"Just some stuff for the office," Heero absentmindedly replied.
"Going to take a break soon?"
"Hn."
Wufei watched Heero carefully while cursing himself for being so weak. A direct question would have been much more effective. But Heero didn't even look up.
Lying in the bed, Wufei rolled over onto his side, his fears confirmed. The perfect soldier had returned. Heero was so shut off, he couldn't read Wufei the way he normally did. His Heero would have turned off his laptop and rushed to his side upon hearing the weak, roundabout way he'd asked for what he wanted.
But this wasn't his Heero, Wufei reminded himself. This was Heero as he'd been during the war—cold, calm, emotionless, logical to a fault.
This was Duo's Heero.
Suddenly Wufei wondered if coming here had been a mistake. He'd thought that Heero had resolved whatever problems he had with Duo. Wufei hadn't expected to deal with a full regression when the two met again. He felt a rage building in the furnace of his belly. This was not justice. Heero had worked too hard to regain his emotions; he shouldn't have to fight to keep them.
Wufei had seen Heero go cold and silent before, but only during the most intense and personal moments between them. Even then, Wufei watched while Heero fought to stay and feel. And Heero, with his iron will, always came back to the moment, and to Wufei. There had never been a need for Wufei to pull Heero back into himself.
//I still have trouble with my own feelings; how can I help Heero find his?//
Of course, that was assuming that Heero wanted help.
Wufei lay awake until Heero clicked off his laptop, changed clothes, and slipped into bed. A cool hand traced its way down his spine—the signal that Heero wanted to talk. Without turning around, Wufei knew his lover was propped up on an elbow, waiting for him to turn around.
Wufei rolled over and found himself facing Heero's back.
He swallowed hard.
Then he got up, dressed, and slipped out into the night.
***
An hour of katas hadn't helped Wufei's mood any, so he found himself knocking on Duo's door.
"Come in."
Wufei turned the knob and pushed open the door. Duo sat on top of his covers, wearing only black boxers and a pair of glasses perched on the end of his nose while he read. Scars marred his skin. "Wufei, what a surprise."
Wufei slouched into one of the chairs at the foot of the bed.
"It's Heero, isn't it."
Wufei mumbled, "Yes."
"Want to tell me about it?"
Wufei looked at his friend uncertainly. Duo met his eyes with nothing but pure concern. Duo had always been willing to listen to Wufei complain about Heero, and he was always willing to jump in with advice. It had been that way ever since Duo found out that Wufei had an interest in Heero. Wufei still didn't understand why Duo would want to see his ex-boyfriend matched up with one of his friends.
"The soldier's back, isn't he?" Duo said.
Cursing his weakness, Wufei nodded, feeling tears he refused to shed burn behind his eyes.
"I thought as much." Duo set down his book and his glasses on the nightstand, then scooted around so he was lying on his stomach, facing Wufei. "And he basically ignored you when you wanted to be with him."
Scowling, Wufei asked, "Did you ever figure out what he was he did on that computer all the time?"
"Nope. I don't think anyone will ever truly understand it." Duo grinned. "I always wanted to throw the damn thing out."
Wufei considered the merits of that plan, and concluded that the punishment couldn't be worse than how he was feeling now. "I'm tempted."
"I wouldn't recommend it. I hid it once, and Heero nearly killed me."
Wufei raised his eyebrows, waiting for the punchline. It never came. "I don't remember him hitting you."
" 'Course not," Duo said, glancing down at an invisible spot on the floor. "It only happened once. Heero blamed it on a mission. I let him." When he looked up, the grin was firmly back in place. "Don't worry about it, Wufei. As he is now, Heero would sooner shut down emotionally than hurt anyone else. Just remember, it's never a good idea to irritate the perfect soldier. Especially when he's working." Duo rolled his eyes. "He'll thaw when I'm out of the picture."
Slowly, Wufei nodded. That made sense. Heero and Duo wouldn't have avoided each other for so long without good reason. However uncomfortable Wufei felt, it had to be much worse for Duo and Heero. He would have to be stronger in the future.
"Don't mention it." Duo smiled, then responded to Wufei's thoughts. "And no, you're not weak for letting Heero get to you. Although Heero's a pretty good human now, he *will* drive you crazy if you let him," Duo added.
"You warned me about that," Wufei mused, "but I didn't quite believe it until now."
Duo sighed wistfully. "It's hard to believe, looking at him now." Wufei watched as Duo's violet eyes clouded over. "He's everything now that I wanted back then."
Wufei let his gaze drop to the floor, unsure how to interpret Duo's comment.
"Aw, Wu, don't look like that," Duo said. "I'm not interested in Heero anymore. I'm happy for you two, believe it or not."
"Why?" Wufei asked.
Duo shrugged. "Because you're my friend. Because Heero loves you. Because you would do the same thing, if you were me."
"He's worried about you."
Duo snickered. "What for? I haven't talked to him in a long, long time. He wouldn't know if there was anything to worry about."
"Is something wrong, Duo?" Wufei asked.
Duo shook his head. "If I am a little edgy, it's more because Hilde and I called it quits recently. It's taking some getting used to."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Well, things come and go."
Wufei left Duo's bedroom, gently latching the door behind him, but when he returned, Heero wasn't in their room. He settled down to wait.
***
Duo hoped that Wufei felt better. Duo certainly didn't. He hated it when Wufei doubted himself, and hated it more that Heero was what had caused that doubt. Heero never seemed to realize just how much power he wielded over those who loved him. Just because he was the perfect soldier didn't give him the right to strip away Wufei's self-esteem.
Heero would figure it out eventually, just as he'd had eventually figured out the difference between what Duo said and what Duo meant.
//Duo sat on the bed, reading, when Heero came in. "When you ask me those strange questions, you really want me to pay attention to you," Heero stated stiffly.
Duo smiled and rolled his eyes. The man was *too* much. "So that's what you were working on all that time."
Heero looked confused for a moment, then leaned over and kissed him. He waited silently to see Duo's reaction, which was a widening of dark violet eyes. "What was that for?"
Heero frowned. "You asked a silly question. I thought when you did that, you wanted attention."
Duo shook his head and laughed.
"What is it?"
"You. Everything about you. Everything you are." Duo wrapped his arms around his lover and kissed him passionately.//
Duo had loved Heero, but it hadn't been enough.
//Why did I fall in love with Heero? Quatre, or even Wufei, would have been a better fit. Why did it have to be Heero?//
After Duo was certain that Wufei was out of hearing range, Duo opened his bedroom door and quietly said, "Heero, you can come out now." He left the door open and returned to his bed. Heero followed him inside, closing the door quietly behind him.
***end part 2***
AN: Okay, part three. I am about to enter the season of holiday bliss, so it may not be up right away, but I'll get it done ASAP. Thanks for reading—R&R please please please!!!