Wishing you were somehow here again.
I never told him what my dream was. I grew so close to him during that time. We could never be physically close, but he talked to me. I shared secrets with him. He protected me. I've started thinking about the time we shared a lot recently. There isn't much to busy me in the palace. I attend to my lessons and of course there are always a few minor duties a princess must attend to, but for the most part, I simply dream.
Dreams brought us together, so it is fitting that I spend them now thinking of him. I returned to the future for the last time six years ago with his image fresh in my mind. He had promised to see me again, sometime in the future. When I first arrived, it was a fresh hope, and I breathlessly awaited his arrival, sure he would present himself right away. When he didn't, I became despondent. I missed our long talks before bedtime, and even the constant attention of my parents, whose regard I craved, was not enough to console me.
Diana stayed near me, concerned for my well-being, as she always is. For three months I hid in the seclusion of my private chambers, waiting and hoping, but it soon became apparent that he was not going to see me anytime in the near future. I was devastated. I sat on the balcony, overlooking the rose garden, and wished for the friends and family that had welcomed me for three years. I missed Mizuno Ami, the girl genius, and Aino Minako, the bright star so full of light, and Kino Makoto, the strong yet very gentle, and Hino Rei, the dazzling flame. The names and faces kept tumbling through my head: Luna; Artemis; Tuxedo Kamen, the dashing and brave, my hero; Puu, my second mother, the guardian; Hotaru, silent, yet brimming with kindness; Momoko, my best friend; and Kuyuseke. I could never tell what he was thinking. I even missed baka Usagi. Perhaps I missed her the most . . . but for him . . . I missed him so.
I sat on the balcony, by the rose trellis and played with my locket. There was no need for me to transform in the future . . . no the present. I get confused sometimes. Puu once told me that we are never sure that it is the present until it has become our past. Of course Puu always speaks in riddles. Nevertheless, whether present, past, or future, there was no need for me to transform, not even to train, for we had just entered an epoch of peace. I kept my locket with me all the time, not for any need to transform, but because it reminded me of him.
Jupiter told me I was naïve and silly to wait for him. He was my first crush after all, and first loves rarely blossom into anything deeper than puppy love. I was ten at the time, she said, and it was silly to restrict my future by waiting faithfully for my first love. I would miss out on life's experiences, she said. Of course Jupiter forgets sometimes that I am a princess. I can't ever hope to have the sort of life I led in the 20th century. I can't be late for school, or pass notes in class, or go on dates. I can't really have a boyfriend either, not in the way a normal sixteen-year-old would, although my parents would most likely allow it, if I asked. There are also a number of young men who beg for dances at the balls, and they all adore me, or so they claim. In truth, none of them know who I am. They adore Small Lady Serenity, and it is true that I am the Small Lady (although I have physically out-grown the diminutive connotation, people still use the title). However many times I do not want to be known as the Small Lady, I want only to be Chibiusa, and none of them can know her, nor do any of them seem to want to know her.
I tried to explain all this to Jupiter, but she wouldn't listen. She insisted on lecturing me to not waste my "dewy youth" and "to gather my rosebuds while I may." I found it quite odd that she should take it upon himself to remonstrate me, as I have never been particularly close to her. I finally decided that she must have been going through a sort of midlife crisis where she yearned for her younger days. With this perspective, Jupiter's lecture took on a new mood, and I found her quite amusing. I know it was rude, but after one of her hackneyed phrases I giggled aloud. This made her quite indignant and she launched into another triad.
I was spared from whatever else she had to say about "hopeless love" (I thought that that term was a bit melodramatic. I do not think that what he and I share is in any way hopeless) by my mother, Neo-Queen Serenity.
The Queen has always been somewhat distant from me. I love her with all my heart, but she seems daunting sometimes, so strong and beautiful. She sits on a high crystal pedestal and rules over all. I know she loves me, but she seems so remote and at times it looks as if the weight of the world sits on her shoulders. I rarely dare to make her burden heavier by telling her of my own troubles and hopes, and at times I regret this and it saddens me.
Even though we don't talk, she still seems to know me better than I know myself sometimes. When she arrived I was worried she would side with Jupiter, but she didn't. She instead smiled a knowingly and herded Jupiter off to conduct an inspection of the palace guards. She winked at me, something I rarely see her do as the Neo Queen. Of all the people in the world, I think she best understands how I think of him. He is not a first crush and he is not a passing fancy. I know he is the one, and she understands and approves of my choice.
Our kinship works both ways. Now I think I know a little of the feeling she has whenever she looks at my father. Among the common people of Crystal Tokyo, their story is known as the "Miracle Romance" and serves as the inspiration for an untold number of poets, artists, and musicians. Sometimes I think about he and I in the same way. Our story is also a miracle romance.
I think of him, and I dream of him and I hope that he will fulfil his promise soon. I almost wish there was a war, so that he could come and protect me, even though I hate battle.
If only he would come . . .
. . . Elios, I will wait for you.