TITLE: Another Heart Through the Windshield
BY Annabel Lee
DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and its characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, and FOX. No copyright infringement is intended; I'm just doing this for fun!
Also, Edie Carey is the talented songstress that wrote the lyrics to Come Close. I hope she doesn't mind that her wonderful music is being borrowed for something so silly as my little fanfic...
FEEDBACK: Yes, please!
DISTRIBUTION: Please just let me know where it will be, and keep my name attached.
SUMMARY: Scully has to take the risk of revealing her true feelings for Mulder. Anytime before All Things, I suppose...PG13 for some language...
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I thought I'd never write something like this, but then I just had this unexplainable URGE. I just had to get it out of my system...
This is a re-post, but it hasn't been re-edited...
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we could stand here til' i say let's go, you say wait, but i don't wanna put my heart through the windshield just to watch it break
we try to stop as if we can we know we gotta know we gotta cool this warming trend i guess our little hands had other plans we make the rules and then they just bend them
-Edie Carey, Come Close
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Another Heart Through the Windshield
So what do I do now? We're out by my car, Mulder and I, freezing to death in the parking lot after work. We have been discussing the case that Skinner is determined to put us on. he had said that morning in his office. Images of Mulder and my getup as Rob and Laura Petri flashed through my mind. I blinked. Oh no, not again, I thought to myself. I'm pretty sure the both of them had noticed me shift in my chair uncomfortably. That case had been hard on me; there was that one night that took all of my energy to keep me from fully playing out my part as wife, if you catch my drift...I couldn't help but do a double take every time I heard Mulder crack an innuendo-laden joke my way. What if he's serious? a voice in my head would ask. I was constantly busy pushing that troublesome voice away, reminding my rational, scientific, FBI agent-self that Mulder was just playing around, as usual. How did this ever happen to me? How did I ever manage to fall in love with this man? How come the only thing I want to do every day of my life is against protocol? Damn protocol...
And so here we are. We're out by my car, Mulder and I, freezing to death in the parking lot after work. We have been discussing the case that Skinner is determined to put us on. No, not discussing. We have been arguing. It seems as if we have been arguing about it for hours, standing stubbornly in the wintery wind. I won't drive him home until he understands fully that I will not be joining him tomorrow morning on the plane to Michigan. I had spent the last few minutes tossing out excuses for my refusal to join him, and each one was shot down. They were all such stupid, trivial reasons, and Mulder could see that. As if anyone who knew me would buy the story about me not wanting to leave home on a new case until I got my favorite pantsuit back from the cleaners...and so it was revealed that I didn't like going undercover.
he had said, incredulous.
I just don't like going undercover, I mumbled pathetically.
Oh come on, Scully! You know that I'm not a big fan of it either, but it's never stopped us before. It's a hassle, but it's usually over after a couple days or so. That can't be it.
But that is it, Mulder.
No, then there's got to be more to it than that.
It's just...it's stressful. What a bad explanation.
he almost shouted, holding in a laugh. Scully, this whole fucking job is stressful! Pardon the language there, but now really! You can't be serious...it's stressful'...for the love of Pete... He didn't buy that one, either, obviously. Not like I had expected him to or anything, but it was worth a shot. I had tried again.
I know, I know, but...well, you remember the last time we went undercover, don't you? We were Rob and Laura Petri, of all--
Oh jeez, this isn't about the names, is it Scully? he interrupted. You can pick them this time, okay? There, problem solved! He almost turned to get into the passenger seat of the car.
Dammit, Mulder! It's not the stupid names! Don't you see? I'm sick of being put into these situations, these awkward positions! Playing these roles that...well, who are we supposed to be this time? Did Skinner say newlyweds again? Yes, he did. Newlyweds. Of course, it's all supposed to be just a meaningless little operation, put on so that information can be gathered, suspects can be observed, and, if we're lucky, a case can be solved. Well I'm sorry if it has a little bit more of an effect on me than that, Mulder! I'm sorry if I have feelings in me that need to be suppressed constantly, I'm sorry if I have stuff on my mind that cause everything to seem more intense than it should, and I'm sorry that this all keeps me from going undercover as your wife, of all things. There. I had blown up at him. Not quite screaming, but just loud and firm enough that it startled him. At least, I thought that was what happened. When Mulder still didn't speak, and I felt as though I needed to wrap up my little tirade with a gentle explanation: I'm just not mentally equipped to go through this kind of thing again... And he still wasn't saying anything, just looking at me as if he had had a brilliant idea, but couldn't quite figure it out. Then, I saw it; I had just managed to screw myself over royally.
Although I hadn't come right out and said it, I'm sure that I had just about spelled it all out for him. To anyone who knows me as well as Mulder does, my little outburst could easily be translated into: I can't go undercover with you, Mulder, because I just might go crazy from love and I don't want that love to become apparent and risk my being rejected. It would just ruin the amazing friendship we already have. I don't want that. And even if you did feel the same way about me that I feel about you (which I believe that you do), it would pose an immense risk to our jobs.
So what do I do now? We're out by my car, Mulder and I, freezing to death in the parking lot after work. He's looking at me with a mixture of surprise and...glee? Could that be glee? I don't think that I was expecting glee...In fact, I'm sure that I look as if I'm ready to be reprimanded, told that I'm not allowed to feel the way I do and given a lecture on how dare I even think about going against protocol like that. Damn protocol...
Then, just as soon as I think that Mulder's emotion could look like (what a strange word, I realize), he turns into I knew it. The bastard wants me to actually say it. Still, it seems as though I have the two choices I have always had. I can confront this nasty little situation or leave it do be dealt with another time, perhaps after he gets back from Michigan. While I'm weighing these two options in my mind, I can tell from the look of slight nervousness playing across Mulder's face that he knows I have found a way out. Now to see if I'm going to take it.
Two options, Dana: Face the beast, take it by its wretched horns, and hope that it doesn't throw you down and trample you to death. Or turn and run from it again like the coward you really are when it comes to love. Choose option number two and the beast will never stop chasing you, but you can at least put off death until another, more convenient time. Sounds good to me. I will deal with this when I'm more prepared.
Let's go, I say, turning. He hasn't spoken for so long that I'm startled when I finally hear his voice.
I definitely wasn't counting on this happening, so my curiousity and dread rise within me. I turn to look at his blank face staring back at me over the shiny roof of the car. His eyes are laughing. How irritating. How loveable. Argh. I must insist that you explain yourself, Agent Scully, he says, enjoying every moment of this. No, I cannot. I'm not prepared for this right now, why can't we just avoid it for a little while longer? I refuse to take such a foolish risk. I've never been one to take risks when it comes to my heart. Falling in love with this man was bad enough; letting him know would be like putting my heart through the windshield only to see it break into a thousand tiny pieces. It would be such a waste...wouldn't it? But he's still standing there, looking at me with those godamned beautiful eyes. He's making it so hard to think straight, I'm almost ready to just give up and take the plunge. Get it over with.
Explain myself, Mulder? Okay, fine. I love you. How about that? Satisfied? I can tell that he is, in fact, quite satisfied; this is proven further by his reply.
Oh, very. And you know what, Scully? I love you, too. He grins, and so I smile in return. It feels extremely good to throw your heart through a windshield and see it land softly onto a plush cushion, unscathed. What was I afraid of again? Ah yes, the aftermath. The damn protocol. My heart may have landed safely on the other side of the jagged windshield, but it still risks being run over by a speeding car. Damn protocol...
Mulder must have noticed the worry playing across my face, because his eyes suddenly decided to become more serious. What's wrong, Scully? he asks.
Oh, to hell with protocol. I say at last. Absolutely nothing. The whole issue with that damn protocol can be worked out later. I'm not about to let something like that ruin my happy mood. I mean, it's not every day that a heart is safely put through a windshield. Come on, Mulder. It's getting dark and we have a plane to catch in the morning. We both exchange smiles, climb into the car, and sit for a moment in silence.
So I guess that means you're coming with me to Michigan after all, he says once buckled in and comfortable. I laugh.
Yes, you win. I'm coming. He looks extremely pleased. Suddenly, I can't take it any more. I have to kiss him. So I do. And it's amazing, just as I have always imagined. He's so warm, and his bottom lip fits perfectly to mine. We must have been made for each other, I think to myself.
After dropping Mulder at his apartment, I find myself watching the streetlights glint off of the rain on my windshield. The reds, yellows, and whites flash and dance across the glass, and I sigh, thinking about how wonderful it all seems. For once, I can't wait to go undercover.
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another AUTHOR'S NOTE: please write a review! thanks!