Garou
"Hungry Wolf"
Author's Rant-a-ma-bob…
It is not fair to flame me simply because I support Ashitare. Just thought you should know. Some people don't.
I don't own Fushigi Yuugi, Scotland, Green Eggs and Ham, or a squirrel. I really don't own much of anything at all. Hmm. This needs to be remedied.
This is set to KoRn's Make Me Bad.
[I am watching your eyes
And follow my salvation]
Master's eyes are on me…I can tell. What did mother always say? It's…instinct. Yes, that's it, instinct.
The moon is nearly full…I always feel so funny when it gets this way. I can't control what I do sometimes. Sometimes I do things I never really wanted to do, hurt people just to get the scent of blood again. But I know that Master won't mind…not like when I was in the cage.
Master is kind to me, but I know he wants something from me. His eyes are cold today, cruel. His eyes are such a funny color, the same color as the sky. Not like mother's. Hers were the color of the sky when the sun goes away. I miss her.
Master's taken me somewhere strange, but I'm glad. It's more like when I lived with mother, outdoors. The place I was before was almost as bad as the cage, but there were no people laughing and pointing at me…no one to be angry at.
I'm still chained, just to be sure I won't run away, but I wouldn't run away even if I wasn't. Master would find me again, I know it. And then he might use the long weapon that stings my back. I don't like it when he does that.
His eyes are flashing with fear, not panicky fear like some people have when they see me, but an icy fear. Is he afraid of me? Afraid I'll hurt him? I'd never do that…would I? It's so hard to know what I feel when the moon is big.
[There's so much
Around me
Such a lack of compassion]
There's someone else with master…someone small, like the people who used to laugh at me in the cage. But she doesn't laugh.
Her fur is gold, like Master's, but she's very different from him. Just a little person, scared. She's hiding, like the little rabbits I used to chase and kill. They tasted good…like fear. Fear makes everything taste better. But she's not running away, just standing a little behind Master, holding onto his arm. Her eyes are big, a color I don't know.
I don't move, just stare back at them. If Master is protecting her, I shouldn't scare her. I know that.
"Nakago, this…monster…is a Seiryuu seishi?"
She uses the word I don't know, what the others call Master. I've tried to say it, but my tongue won't work that way. So Master is what he'll stay, to me.
"He doesn't seem very…ferocious." Her words are cold, spiteful. Like how the taller one with the fur the color of blood always sounds.
I miss mother even more when people talk about me like that. Mother was never mean. But no one ever treats me like she did.
It's so confusing. I don't know why they would dislike me. I never did anything to them.
I asked mother once why the people always ran away when they saw me. She said it was because they didn't understand me, that we were different from them. But I still didn't understand.
All the people here are very different, different sizes and shapes, different fur and eyes, different clothing. Like Master and this new girl. Like the tall one with red fur and the one with the colorful face and funny dark fur. Well, some of them are the same; two of them look very much alike. But they act differently. At least, they did. I only see one now. And the even smaller one with no fur at all is unlike any one of them. They are all very different from each other, so why am I so different from them?
All I want is someone that won't treat me like I'm different…
[I thought it would be fun and games
(it would be fun and games)
Instead it's all the same
(it's all the same)]
"Ashitare will be very useful in our beating the Suzaku seishi to the Shinzaho, Lady Yui."
Master's voice is very calm, as it always is.
I'm so hungry. I wonder if anyone will bring me meat soon? I haven't had fresh meat in a long time, it seems. I need the smell of blood. Usually, I'm all right without it, but when the moon is full like this…
Perhaps Master will unchain me so I can hunt. He hasn't yet, but I think he might. I haven't hunted in so long…ever since they took me to the cage.
I thought Master would let me be free at first, but he put me in that room. I was angry at him for a long time, but then he took me out here, away from the dark. I almost can't stand being chained here, now that I'm outdoors. I want to run free, to be my wolf-self.
I used to really be a wolf sometimes, when I was with mother, when the moon was full. It was better than anything, just to be able to be in that faster, furrier body; hunting, howling at the moon. Sometimes mother was a wolf with me, and we'd both go and hunt together.
But now I'm never a wolf. Maybe it was being in the cage that did it. I sometimes have the mind of a wolf, but never the body. Maybe Master will let me find my wolf-self again.
[I want something to do
Need to feel the sickness
In you]
It's getting dark now, and Master's not here any more. I'm alone again. I seem to be alone a lot now.
Do people avoid me because I'm different? Are they afraid of me? I wish I could say more, tell them I really don't want to hurt them. I wish I could tell them that I'm sometimes afraid of myself; that I can't control what I do.
Someone is coming. Maybe it's Master. Maybe he'll bring me meat, or let me hunt. Maybe. That's all my thoughts seem to be now, only maybes. All I have is hope.
It's not Master. It's only a smaller boy.
Something is flying around him, like those little buzzing insects that fly around bad meat. But he doesn't shoo them away, they seem to be connected to him somehow.
Konbanwa, you big ugly oaf.
The group of Seiryuu seishi's becoming a freakshow, what with Tomo and this monster…
It would be a good joke, to let this thing loose. Wonder what it'd do? Nakago'd never know I did it, and this thing'll probably thank me for it. Stupid bastard deserves a good scare, anyway. He doesn't care aniki's gone…he'll never give a damn about any of us but himself.
He's not afraid. He's not afraid of me! I can't smell any fear…
He's planning something. Will he unchain me? I won't hurt him…I hope he realizes that. If he's not afraid, he might.
But…what if I can't help it? It's happened before…no, I won't let myself.
Why not? It's obedient anyway, like a dog or something. I wonder if it ever talks?
Why am I referring to it as an it? He's Ashitare, a fellow Seiryuu seishi. Aniki wouldn't want me to be disrespectful to a fellow Seiryuu seishi, even if Ashitare is a wolfman.
I miss you, aniki.
"Ashitare?"
He's talking to me. Should I answer? I can answer, after all. Maybe that's what he's wondering, if I can talk.
"Yes?" My voice sounds so unnatural. His is different.
Master never really talks to me, or if he does, I never have to answer.
He can talk. But what a voice! It's so…inhuman. Like a snarl more than words.
He unchained me! Why did he do that? I don't care, I'm free! Perhaps I should thank him…I've never thanked anyone before. Maybe I should let him know I'll come back. No, I think he knows.
Poor guy. The least I can do is let him out for awhile. It's not like he'll go and kill anyone. He's probably hungry, I've never seen Nakago feed him. He'll come back.
[I feel the reason
As it's leaving me
No, not again]
What was that?
It's good to be free. I've had my fill of rabbits now. I'll go back.
Something's wrong. The clouds are moving…the moon is completely full now. I'm not myself anymore. What if I hurt someone? Maybe I can get back before I lose myself completely.
It's sure as hell not Ashitare. And I'm the only one awake now, I'll have to get rid of it myself. I can't wake Nakago, he'll kill me for letting Ashitare loose.
The moon's so bright, I can hardly see…
Damn, the thing must be five feet long! I've never seen a wolf that big…
[It's quite deceiving
As I'm feeling
The flesh make me bad]
Must…kill. Need…blood…
No, I can't. I shouldn't. I won't!
Kill…
Kuso! That was close…
Help me, aniki, give me courage…like you used to have…
It's so fast. I almost can't keep the ryuuseisui on target.
It is Ashitare. His symbol's glowing, I can see it. Maybe I can get him chained up again before he…I can't even think it. I can't join you yet, aniki. Not at the hands of another Seiryuu seishi.
What am I doing? I don't want to hurt him. I can't stop.
Kill…him…
No. I can't see the moon any longer, it's behind another cloud.
Thank Seiryuu. He's back to his normal self.
It's the first time I've ever been glad to be chained. I'm sorry. I hope he knows I didn't mean to. At least I didn't hurt him.
I'm safe from the moon now, as long as the chain holds. It broke, once, in the cage.
Why am I like this?
[All I do is look for you
And when I fix you
Needed to]
It's been awhile. How many days? I lost count.
I thought Master would punish me, for attacking the boy. But he didn't. I wonder why?
I haven't seen the boy at all. He's probably avoiding me. Is he afraid now? Did I make him afraid? I'm sorry if I did.
I talked to Master earlier. Just a few words. His face didn't change, but he was surprised. I could tell. It's easier to talk after the full moon.
Master is still planning. It's something about me. What does he want me to do? I'm a little confused.
Everyone is afraid of something. It's not me. They're fighting someone, but I don't know who it could be. No one seems to bother to tell me anything. Is that bad?
[Just to get some sort of attention
Attention]
I can't believe I did that.
Why did I even go back there? It's weird. I'm not scared of him like everyone else is. They all think he's some kind of monster, but I just- he's like a scared little kid, really. Kind of…lost…and alone.
Kind of like me.
I just- started talking. I told him everything, everything that's been making me angry, scared, worried. About you, aniki, about how she killed you, about what I did, about how Nakago doesn't trust me anymore, about Yui…well, sort of…
I guess I just needed someone who wouldn't judge me, who wouldn't laugh at how I miss you, aniki. Just someone who'd listen. I've always needed someone like that, and for a long time, you were that person, aniki. But just thinking isn't enough sometimes.
I wish I'd never been born a seishi. Wouldn't life have been easier, aniki?
I don't understand a lot of things that have been going on.
It's good to hear someone's voice. It's comforting to know someone isn't afraid of you. But I don't know if I did the right thing. What do the others do when someone is crying?
He told me about who they were fighting, the maiden of Suzaku that killed his brother. I want to help fight.
I'll kill her for making him so sad. I'll kill them all.
I wonder if Master wants me to fight?
[What does it mean to you
(What does it mean to you)
For me, it's something I just do
(I just do)]
There they are. The little one who's screaming must be the maiden of Suzaku. It's funny, I would have thought one who could kill someone so easily would be a little less scared. Yet she's conveying a fright- no, a terror- greater than anything else I've ever hunted.
This will be easy, like hunting a little rabbit. That's what she is, a little scared rabbit.
[I want something
I need to feel the sickness in you]
I've failed. Master was angry, he beat me. But I'll try again. They'll all pay.
This time, she won't be so lucky.
[I feel the reason, as it's leaving me
No, not again]
I can't believe I could actually hate Nakago more than before. Sending Ashitare alone against all of them is suicide.
It's not fair. I'm going after him. To hell with whatever Nakago says.
Stay with me, aniki.
[It's quite deceiving
As I'm feeling
The flesh make me bad]
The one I fought before is still protecting her. I'm so angry at both of them, for defeating me, for killing the boy's brother, for making Master angry at me. I won't fail you again, Master.
Gods, I'm too late. Ashitare's doing well, though. There's only one seishi protecting her. Fools.
[I feel the reason
As it's leaving me
No, not again]
Blood. There's so much of it. My own.
Have I failed you, Master? I killed one. I'm sorry I couldn't do more.
Everything's fading. Is this death?
Goodbye, Master.
[It's quite deceiving
As I'm feeling
The flesh make me bad]
Why, Seiryuu? Why do you insist on making my life a living hell? Do you want me to kill myself? Do you?
Gods, look at him, just lying there, broken. Why can't I do anything? What should I do? What can I do, now?
Why is everyone I care anything about killed?
[Does it make me bad?]
My reflection's exactly how I feel, just a crying, cowardly little boy.
The sad part is, I'm probably the only one that will cry for him. I'm the only one that will miss him.
They're probably all sniveling over Nuriko's death now, not giving a damn about the other guy who gave his life for his cause.
Well, I'm thinking about you, Ashitare, and I might as well put this symbol that's broken my life into a million pieces to good use avenging your death.
Rest in peace.