Austin powers 3 (My first ever venture into fic)
Written by Clarrie aided and abetted by Chloe, in the night after we saw Austin Powers II.
Our script for the Austin Powers 3, written for the amusement of ourselves and our friends, before we knew of the shady world of fic. Mostly written in the early hours of the morning after a certain amount of *cough* liquid refreshment, therefore the grammar is not what it could be.
Disclaimer: We own nothing. Not the characters, Not the software it was written on, hell, even line 1099 was stolen from The Simpsons.
Dedicated to: Emma, the original She wolf, who did indeed puke like a fountain.
Austin Powers 3
Pre-titles sequence
Austin and basil face to face. Close up
Austin: (astonished) Exploding robots! Again?
Basil: (officiously) Yes it appears that Dr evil blamed Jerry Springer for his humiliation on national television, exploding robots seemed like the answer I suppose.
Cue shot of Scott /Frau 'I love you mom' bit at end of ap2 except as they hug some little lights blink and they explode.
Austin: (screwing up his face) nasty!
Basil: yes, (slightly puzzled face looking beyond camera) it's almost like some sort of running joke. (clears throat) and how's felicity?
Austin (sad face) I have lost her to a better man
Basil: (pats Austin on shoulder) bad luck old chap
Austin (close up on face) Yes, past Austin took felicity and they've gone to the Indian subcontinent. They said they wanted to find themselves,
Basil and Austin stand around for a few seconds, basil clears his throat and glances nervously at his watch.
Basil: and you Austin?
Austin (grin) I'm letting people find me baby!!
Cue mad credit sequence with Austin being chased by frenzied crowds a la Austin power 1 and 2.
SCENE 1
INTERIOR DR EVILS LIAR
(Scott, no2, and Frau are sitting at the big table Dr evil is sort of standing at the head of the table)
Dr Evil: I expect you are wondering why it is that I have gathered you all here?
Scott: (scornfully) Weather machine?
Dr Evil: pardon Scott?
Scott: You've finished your weather machine
Frau: Ja, ja, I thought weather machine.
(no 2 sort of nods like he would like to agree with the other 2 but fears the pain which will be the inevitable result)
Dr Evil: (sneering, and fiddling nervously with his throat) well, well that shows what you know doesn't it .I bought you here to discuss the, the (looks around, sees his feet) The fact that nobody wipes their fricking feet anymore. (gains momentum) I mean, what, just because I'm an evil doctor I'm not allowed to keep anything nice?
Scott: (scoffs) weak!
Frau: (shaking head like to say stop before you embarrass yourself further) we saw it being delivered
Scott: Ass (puts feet up on table)
Dr Evil: No 2 .The presentation.
(No2 gets up and walks around, clicks a remote control which he is holding. a video wall behind him begins to show images of typhoons, drought and similar extreme weather)
No2: 15 yrs in the making. The Evil-tron 1999…
Dr Evil: (quietly but proudly) ya I thought of that.
Scott: Ass
Dr Evil: (standing up and stopping no2) OK Scott. OK Mr clever man sitting there in your (finger quote marks) 'individual' clothing, (puts on a mocking squeaky voice) ' oh I'm so deep and interesting. Ooh look at my dark clothes I'm so tortured' OK then what exactly (draws out the word exactly and looks to Frau and no2 as if there's no question that he's right) is wrong with the Evil-tron 1999?
(Frau and no2 look at the floor in embarrassment)
Scott: You want me to tell you what's wrong with that name?
Dr Evil: Ya Scott tell me what's wrong
Scott: OK, first thing why 1999? Did you like fail the other 1998 times?
Dr Evil sneers scornfully, but we can see the fear behind his eyes and he struggles for words.
Scott: And what's with evil-tron? You trying to be like ironic or something?
Dr Evil (still struggling to appear in charge): well
Scott: just admit it, you were trying to be futuristic weren't you? So you named it after last year. Ass
Frau taps Scott on the arm and nods slightly like to say leave it eh?
Dr Evil (glares at Scott and his hand hovers over the 'Scott evil' button): No 2. The presentation?
No2: 15 yrs in the making. The Evil-tron 1999 is a completely synthetic weather generator. At the touch of a button we can isolate and control the weather at any point on the earth.
The opportunities are fantastic. We could create the perfect community.
(realising that no2 is going to suggest something sensible about profits both Frau and Scott begin to look slightly embarrassed)
No2 (cont.) If we purchased a small Caribbean island we could manage it so that the coast received only sunshine yet keep the interior at a temperate farming climate all year long. I project that we could regain the costs and be back in profit in less than six months (the video wall changes from images of weather destruction to bar graphs and pie charts, apparently showing the projected profits)
Dr Evil: ya, how about we don't. I don't pour money into evil science research grants so that I can run a fricking holiday camp! Ok, you got that? Planned community? Who do you think I am? Fricking Disney?
(no2 shakes his head subserviently)
Dr Evil grabs the control and switches the screen back to scenes of destruction
Dr Evil: Gentlemen! (Frau coughs) sorry, Associates! Today we are Gods!
(lightening flashes, little finger goes to mouth, evil laughter begins and carries on for an uncomfortable amount of time without cutting away)
Frau: Herr Docteurr? What are you going to use it for?
Dr Evil: oh death destruction, the usual sort of thing.
Scott: he hasn't got a clue. Dope
Scott: it's useless, what'll you do. You'll threaten the world by saying you'll flood Washington or something yeah?
Dr Evil: ya, that was kind of the plan ya.
Scott: Meanwhile by the time you start flooding they've set up protection. You can't announce weather terrorism it won't work. Ya dope.
Dr Evil: (angrily) OK, that's it. You're all dismissed get out .out of my main chamber you all have rooms. Scott you have homework or something.
(Frau has a little trouble getting up)
Frau: a little help? (Scott and no2 hold her by the arms and help her out of the futuristic egg chair. She stands up and this is the first time we see her bump).
PSYCHADELIC DANCE BREAK
SCENE 2
THE M.O.D
Austin and basil are walking along an M.O.D corridor
Basil: We know that Dr Evil is up to something we just don't know what yet, so as you'll be going into action again soon we thought that you'd better have the right tools for the job.
Austin: Oh yes, how is dear old 'W' these days?
Basil: get with it Austin, 'W's long gone. You're new partner is in charge now.
(Opens door and they enter huge aircraft hanger space full of people training and testing stuff, a la James bond)
Basil: You might be interested to know that on your left are the M.o.D.'s very own version of the fembots.
(Basil points to where a group of women/robots dressed fairly demurely in smart skirt suits are sitting with their legs crossed fluttering their eyelashes)
Austin: Smashing. On a point of interest Basil why aren't there any Man bots?
Basil: because women aren't that stupid Austin?
Austin: Yeah (does wistful puppy face that he does after a bad joke all the way through AP2)
Austin and Basil draw up to a more secluded area
Basil: electronics are your new partner's speciality
(They enter a room where a short dark haired youth wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt is darting around a punchbag)
Basil: As you can see they've been hankering after a more active posting for some time now (he clears his throat loudly)
The youth turns around to reveal that underneath the black t-shirt are an impressive pair of lady bumps.
She approaches Austin Powers and shakes him firmly by the hand.
: Austin Powers I presume? Agent 69, Basil has been telling me all about you.
Agent 69 pushes her hair out of her eyes with her hand
Austin Powers (does roger moore eyebrow): 69 eh? My favourite number. (laughs then does bad joke puppy face)
Agent 69: Yes, Basil said you'd say that.
(Basil coughs then grins sheepishly)
Basil: Agent 69 has prepared a variety of new items for use on this mission.
He leads them over to a table with a variety of objects laid out on it. Austin picks one of them up.
Austin: Right so this is the bomb, which we can set to go off at the exact second we leave Dr evil's hide out yeah?
Basil: No Austin, that's my mobile phone
Agent 69 picks up a tin
Agent69: This can holds ordinary hairspray. You can use it to detect infra red beams and as a flame thrower. However, twist the lid and it will spray out magnetic particles which will wipe the memory of any computer which it touches.
She picks up a smaller object
Agent69: This is a hat pin
Austin: which doubles as a micro transmitter. Groovy.
Agent 69: No, it's just a hat pin, keep it about your person at all times. It's amazing how often your life can be saved by simply having access to something sharp.
Basil and Austin nod and murmur in agreement
Agent 69: This is a stealth belt, when turned on you will appear on radar or heat sensors as an animal of some sort.
Austin: I'm always an animal when I'm turned on baby. Yeah!
Agent 69 just looks at him slightly dissmissively, before speaking as though nothing had happened
Agent 69: And of course the two most important pieces of kit - ronnie and reggie. These two computers are the most sophisticated pieces of handheld computing power available to man.
(Agent 69 looks at Austin who clearly hasn't a clue) You probably shouldn't touch yours.
Austin: I've never had to touch mine.
Basil: Oh give it a rest Austin.
Agent 69 picks up two suitcases and hands one to Austin
Agent 69: We've got word that Dr Evil is back in Nevada so we're getting your plane out there
now Austin. Do you want a lift to the airport?
Austin: I've got my own wheels baby.
Basil coughs: Don't you think Austin, that Swinger 1 is perhaps a little too distinctive?
Austin: What do you mean Basil?
Basil: Oh come off it Austin. It might as well have ' here comes Austin Powers' written on it
Austin: I think it does somewhere, all right then we'll take your car then agent 69.
Agent 69: Oh I haven't got a car
CUT TO SHOT OF AUSTIN CLINGNG TO BACK OF MOTORBIKE ARMS ROUND 69'S WAIST SHOUTING 'YEAH BABY!'
PSYCHADELIC DANCE BREAK
SCENE 3
INTERIOR DR EVILS LAIR. MAIN CHAMBER
Frau and Scott are seated at the table, Dr evil is standing camera concentrate on Dr evils face,
Dr Evil: Now it is time for me to make my demands, observe, for soon we will all be very rich men
He turns to switch on the video phone he raises his finger to his mouth but lowers it as no2 enters shouting
No2: Dr Evil! It's Jerry Springer! He's sent his lawyer!
Enter a small dark haired man swaggering to a background of porn guitar (you know like the shaft music)
Lionel Drescher: Lionel Drescher, attorney to Mr Jerry Springer who I believe is suing you. Now what was that I heard about very rich men?
SCENE 4
EXTERIOR AUSTINS PLANE FLYING THROUGH THE CLOUDS
Austin's voice: Hey if the shaguar was distinctive what's my jumbo jet baby?
Agent 69's voice: the only one the M.O.D don't pay insurance on Austin.
SCENE 5
INTERIOR DR EVILS LIAR. MAIN CHAMBER
Scott, Frau, no2 and Lionel Drescher are seated at the table in the futuristic egg chairs, camera concentrate on Dr evils face.
Dr Evil: Now it is time to make my demands, (raises finger hesitantly but can't take his eyes off LD) look does he have to be here?
Frau looks at Drescher who nods
Frau: I think so, ja.
Scott: Jeez I can't believe we're getting sued by Jerry Springer, you couldn't even do that properly numb nuts.
Dr Evil: Scott, shhh.
Scott: But
Dr Evil: Shh
Scott: But
Dr Evil: Oh look Scott your dinner's ready, what is it? Oh it's Shh kebab
Scott: I don't believe you you're like a child
Dr Evil: Shh
Scott scowls and puts his feet up on the table
Dr Evil: Now it is time for me to make my demands, observe, for soon … what is she doing?
(he looks at Frau who is laying out a glass of milk some vitamin pills and a sandwich)
Frau: Scott could you remove your feet?
Scott puts his feet on the floor
Frau: vielen dank.
Dr Evil: Frau? An explanation?
Frau: it is my snack. My vitamin pills, a glass of milk for calcium, the bread has folic acid in it and herring because I really like herring.
Dr Evil: And it can't wait no?
Frau: Ja, but I get cranky if my blood sugar gets low
Dr Evil: I'll take that as a no then shall I?
They stand around whilst Frau takes her pills and eats her sandwich
Dr Evil: You're finished?
Frau nods
Dr Evil: you enjoyed your sandwich? We didn't rush you?
Frau: nien (she brushes crumbs off herself)
Dr Evil: Now it is time for me to make my demands, observe, for soon we will all be very rich men
He raises his finger to his mouth
Dr Evil: Frau Farbissinna would you do the honours?
Frau: TURN ON THE VIDEO PHONE!!!!!!!!!!! THIS SIGNIFYS BIG FRAU SHOUT
Everyone flinches slightly, Frau burps delicately and puts her hand to her mouth and giggles, a huge screen lights up with a picture of all the worlds leaders gathered together in one room.
Dr Evil (gesturing towards the screen) leaders of the civilised world?
No2 nods
Dr Evil: ya, just like to check.
One of the world leaders clears his throat and Dr evil turns back towards the screen
Dr Evil: Greetings leaders of the civilised world
World leaders: bonjour, hello, guten tag etc
Dr Evil: you will have noticed a slight 'unpredictability' in your 'climate' recently.
Middle European world leader: El Nino?
Dr Evil: No
English world leader: We thought El Nino
French world leader: we thought El Nino too
All other world leaders echo viewpoint
Dr Evil: Look it wasn't fricking El Nino ok? It was me and my fricking 'weather machine'. Why don't you show some fricking imagination for chrissake?
He glares at Scott who is sniggering
Dr Evil: With the Evil-tron 1999 I will cause chaos, scenes of unimaginable destruction in your agricultural centres, unless, that is, you give me…(finger goes to mouth) 100 billion dollars
American world leader: You got a weather machine?
Dr Evil: that's what I've just been saying. Honestly, throw me a fricking bone here.
American leader: I'll give you 200 billion for the blue prints.
Dr Evil: You heard my demands Mr president
American leader: 500 billion
Dr Evil: You just don't get it do you? You don't spend thirty fricking years building up an evil empire and then sell your weather machine. (raises finger to lips) 100 billion or we destroy you. That is all.
He shuts down the video screen, evil laughter ensues
SCENE 6
EXTERIOR, NIGHT TIME, A ROAD SIDE IN NEVADA
A battered armoured car pulls up alongside a young girl, the car carries the logo of Dr evil's private army and the girl is wearing similar surf/punk type clothes to Scott's.
Scott climbs out, head and shoulders outside of the armoured car.
Scott: Kirstyn?
Kirstyn: Cool!
Scott helps Kirstyn into the car
Kirstyn: This car rocks Scott! My dad would never let me have a car like this
Scott: That is so cool, most girls would like so not get this car.
INTERIOR CAR
Scott: do you want some music on? I got the Blaster set up on the dash
Kirstyn: Yeah cool
Scott reaches down to find a tape
Scott: there's a six pack in the back if you want some
Kirsten: that is like so cool, my brother won't buy me beer no matter what
Scott: Oh one of dad's henchmen got it for me.
Scott puts a tape in the ghetto Blaster and the shot moves to the exterior view and the car drives off to the backing of song 2 by Blur.
SCENE7
EXTERIOR MOTORWAY SHOT FROM ABOVE
Agent 69's motorbike speeding along the motorway, taking the dark and their diplomatic immunity as an excuse to speed dangerously. Agent 69 driving, Austin riding pillion.
Agent 69: WAHOOOOOOO!!
SCENE 8
EXTERIOR OUTSIDE DR EVIL'S LAIR.
Scott and Kirstyn lie on the top (bonnet? Would it be a bonnet? Hood for you Americans) looking up at the stars and the patrolling helicopters, music is coming from the car.
Scott: My dad sucks
Kirstyn: Mine too dude.
Scott: (Casually) kirst?
Scott makes like to put arm round Kirstyn but she turns round and he turns it into a scratch.
Kirstyn (referring to music): Shh I like this one
Kirstyn sits back listening to the music. Scott puts his arm out, she doesn't move, he puts his arm round her, she doesn't move, he smiles and puts his finger to his mouth realises that hereditary is showing pulls a disgusted teenager face.
THE CAMERA MOVES INTO THE CORRIDOR OF DR EVILS LAIR, ALONG THE CORRIDOR LEFT INTO FRAU'S ROOM
Frau is walking around her room setting up some sort of speaker thing. She lies on her bed puts her hand on the bump, mutters something comforting in German (if that's not a contradiction in terms).
Frau picks up a remote control presses a button and speakers rise at the side of the bed in the viscinity of her bump.
Frau: Genius awaits mien kliener kurbis (there should be an umlaut above the u in kurbis which is German for pumpkin (mien kliener kurbis = my little pumpkin in bad German)
Frau presses another button on the remote control and Wagner comes out of the speakers at huge volume. She pats the bump and sits back closing her eyes and smiling (this is largely a visual joke which depends on you being able to hear the Wagner and knowing a that people sometimes try to make there children clever by playing relaxing classical music. The joke being that Wagner is mad nazi opera, classical but anything but relaxing, unless of course you're an evil genius)
CAMERA PANS BACK AND OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR AGAIN, WE GO ALONG AND THEN RIGHT INTO THE PRIVATE ARMY'S DORM. WE LOOK LEFT AND RIGHT AS IF THE CAMERA IS LOST AND THEN BACK OUT AND FOLLOW THE CORRIDOR, EVENTUALLY TURNING LEFT INTO NO2'S ROOM.
No2's room is dark except for the greeny blue glow of a computer screen. No2 sits at his desk goggle eyed, grinning stupidly with one hand supporting his chin. The camera positions itself behind his shoulder he types and we see on the screen the words, 'why don't you take it off' we realise that poor, sad, 52 year old virgin no2 has a cyber girlfriend.
THE CAMERA BACKS OUT OF HIS ROOM, ALONG THE CORRIDOR AGAIN, INTO THE MAIN CHAMBER TO THE BIG TABLE.
The main chamber is in darkness, apart from a small reading lamp on the table and a few coloured LEDs on the various machines. Dr Evil sits at the big table, Mr Bigglesworth sits on the big table. Dr Evil is looking at photographs.
Dr Evil (looking at a black and white photograph of a line up of a line up of scary intense looking young men one of whom has his finger at the side of his mouth) You see that Mr Bigglesworth? The cream of our generation, the wunderkind. You see him Dr Doom? (Points to one of the young men)
Mr Bigglesworth: Mrawp
Dr Evil: he's an evil plastic surgeon now. He did Nancy Reagan, ya and him (points to another young man) Dr Decay? He's one of the foremost evil gynaecologists in the America.
Mr Bigglesworth: Meow
Dr Evil: Maybe I shouldn't have diversified into the Megalomania field? My mother always told me to stick to the debasement of nature's laws. (Looks at photo of him and scary looking woman standing next to something odd in a jar, he is holding a tiny bald kitten (yes I know he wasn't always bald but it's funnier this way) See there you are Mr Bigglesworth.
Mr Bigglesworth: Kaaaark (coughs up furball and walks off)
Dr Evil watches as his cat desserts him, he picks up a photo of himself and mini-me in like a party pose with paper hats on and their fingers to their mouths, he looks at it mournfully.
Dr Evil: Oh mini -me where are you when daddy needs you? I am (pauses) incomplete.
CUT TO,
A LAB OF SOME SORT, YOUNG MEN INCLUDING MINI-ME ARE SEWING UP CORPSES (LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER) WHILST AN OLDER MAN INSTRUCTS THEM.
Mini-me is just applying the electrodes when his head shoots up and he sniffs the air as if he can here something. He throws off his surgical apron, does a double flip off the stool on which he was standing to reach the corpse and runs out of the room whilst in the background his monster runs amok.
PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK
SCENE 9
INTERIOR, A MOTEL ROOM.
Agent 69 is unpacking surveillance equipment and a bar of soap and that; Austin is larking about on the bed
Austin: Do I make you horny baby? Do you think I'm sexy?
Agent 69 (sarcastically, without emotion) Oh yes I'm positively frothing.
Agent 69 walks into the bathroom Austin sits there puzzled by someone who is neither excited nor offended by him.
Austin: So what's the deal with Dr Evil, baby? What's he up to this time?
Agent 69 (from the bathroom): He's set up a weather machine, threatening the world, you know the drill.
She enters the room. The leather jacket, black t- shirt and jeans she wore before have been replaced by, well a leather jacket, black t-shirt and skirt but it looks good.
Agent 69: We'll travel onwards into the area that our boys have estimated as the site of Dr Evil's lair tomorrow so…
Austin: Yeah, yeah get some sleep. (makes fake yawn motion with hand)
Agent 69 ( flicking away her cigarette) Hell no I'm going out. Meet me in the lobby if you want a lift.
Austin watches her walk out to the tune of 'Purple haze' by jimi Hendrix faded in so that the 'That girl's put a spell on me' bit, is more obvious than the first druggy bit.
SCENE 10
EXTERIOR, UNDERNEATH OF A BOEING 747
Mini-me clings frozen to the underside of a Boeing 747, as it goes in to land he jumps and lands in the ocean. The last thing we see before the camera cuts away is a fin, a large black triangular fin.
SCENE 11
INTERIOR DR EVILS LAIR, A LARGE HANGER TYPE ROOM, NOT THE MAIN CHAMBER.
Scott, Dr Evil, the Lawyer, no2 and mustapha are standing around a large object covered by a tarpaulin. no2 has just lit a cigar, he sees Frau enter the door and looks around for somewhere to put his cigar, he turns to Mustapha.
No2: Here Mustapha, you want this?
Mustapha: Many thanks sir that is most kind. (Takes cigar and starts to smoke it with evident enjoyment)
Frau reaches group, takes out gun points to no smoking sign with gun.
Frau: NO SMOKING!!
Frau shoots Mustapha with big gun, Mustapha falls to ground with an aargh. No2 checks his pulse.
No2: He's dead.
Dr Evil: (surprised) really?
Scott: Dude! Check again.
No2 checks again
No2: dead.
Dr Evil: Didn't see that one coming
Scott: Go Mom
Frau, no2 and Scott murmur their agreement.
Lionel Drescher (the lawyer): What is wrong with you people? She just shot him in the eye. Even if he wasn't dead he'd be very badly injured.
They look at each other, and then at Frau who is putting away her gun and apparently not paying attention.
Dr Evil (clears his throat) Frau?
Frau: Ja? (straightens up without putting her gun away, therefore pointing the gun at Dr Evil.)
Dr Evil (backing off) Nothing, no, you go girl! Smoking kills!
She finishes putting gun away, group turn away from her and towards Dr Evil apart from the lawyer.
Dr Evil: No2, the unveiling!
No2: Introducing the newest addition to the evil collection. A way to transport the higher echelons of evil corp without resorting to the standard evil army vehicles.
No2 takes hold of the tarpaulin.
No2: Gentlemen, the Evil bus!
The tarpaulin is pulled off to reveal a huge silver bus, a huge silver London routemaster bus (for those of you unfamiliar with London busses, they would really look crappy painted silver)
Scott: Oh that sucks.
Dr Evil: No2, rarely as I agree with my son I do have to say that, ya, that sucks through a hose.
They turn and leave the room, Frau and the lawyer bringing up the rear.
Lionel Drescher: (turning to Frau) So you're Mrs Evil?
Frau: (looking irritated) nien
Lionel Drescher: (interested) But I bet you've got a good alimony deal going, (gestures around) I mean with all this, he can't be short of money.
Frau: alimony?
Lionel Drescher: (leading Frau away) I think we should have a little talk.
PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK
SCENE 12
EXTERIOR, A BEACH
Mini-me climbs over a sand dune, his quasi-futuristic suit is tattered but he is holding a shark's fin with a bite taken out of it. He walks to the road and looks to a sign, it says NEVADA 400 miles.
Looking resigned mini-me sticks out his thumb, hitch hiker style.
SCENE 13
INTERIOR, MOTEL
Austin and Agent 69 lie in bed, Austin looks 'spent', Agent 69 sits up, slips on her jeans under her t-shirt/nightie and walks to the window, cleaning her teeth with her finger.
Austin: Grrr baby.
Agent 69: Whatever
Austin: Hey baby, you're treating me like meat on a stick here!
Agent 69: And?
Austin; Hey fine with me baby, if you want to stay casual around the Powers phenomena that's your bag. I've just got one question for you. (grins) Do I make you horny? Do I?
Agent 69: (sarcastically, as if not really listening) Uncontrollably. (She turns to Austin.) If I were you I'd put some clothes on, We've got an appointment at the doctors.
Austin: Yeah (bad joke puppy face)
SCENE 14
INTERIOR, DR EVIL'S LAIR, THE MAIN CHAMBER.
Dr Evil, Scott, Frau and the lawyer are seated around the table. The lawyer has papers out on his desk
Dr Evil is looking at the papers as if he understands them.
Lionel Drescher: Whilst my client, due to loyalty to evil corp and the complications set in place by the existence of a time machine vis a vis the probability that she cannot sue for loss of earnings having never suffered said loss of earnings, is prepared to forego suing for any money on her own behalf.
Dr Evil: Cool
Lionel Drescher: However. It is important that we address the matter of both the children's status, vis a vis their position in your will and the fact that whilst Scott is the oldest child, the second child currently known as…
Looks at Frau
Frau: Kurbis
Lionel Drescher: We'll call it baby Evil in the paper work hey?
Turns back to the paper work
Lionel Drescher: The second baby was conceived in 1969 and is therefore technically 11years older than the aforementioned, test tube baby, Scott Evil. Assuming that the elder child will get the bulk of your estate which will it be?
Scott: Bogus
Lionel Drescher (reading from piece of paper): She is also prepared to (pauses and looks up) are you sure about this?
Frau: Ja
Lionel Drescher (returning to paper) prepared to overlook the matter of any provision for herself being made on the condition that you …spend some time together as a family?
SCENE 15
EXTERIOR, DR EVILS LAIR
Austin and Agent 69 stand outside watching the single inept guard patrolling.
Austin: Ok, you stay here I'll take on the single inept guard.
Agent 69: Fair enough
Austin runs up to the guard and cracks him across the shoulder with the side of his hand.
Austin: Judo chop!
The guard falls to the floor. Austin stands about looking pleased for himself, Agent 69 slips past him into the building.
Agent 69: Come on.
THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO INTERIOR SHOT, THE CORRIDOR IS DARK DUE TO THE FACT THAT IT'S EARLY MORNING
Austin strides in confidently
Austin: Come in 69, there's no one around
Agent 69 grabs him by the throat from behind. She sprays the hairspray into the air and Austin watches as the air in front of his face fills with infra red beams.
Austin: Aah.
SCENE 16
INTERIOR, SCOTT'S ROOM, SPLIT SCREEN SCOTT AND KIRSTYN ON THE PHONE.
Kirstyn: So I said well, I'm not a child any more and you can't treat me like one so if I have to dad I'll go and live on my own. So can I sleep in your car?
Scott: That sucks man. If you want we've got a whole women's quarters for my dad's private army that's like completely unused.
Kirstyn: Cool. I didn't know you had women soldiers in the private army?
Scott: Well we've only got one.
THE SPLIT SCREENS SEPARATE TO BOTH SIDES OF THE SCREEN, IN THE MIDDLE IS
UNIBRAU DOING ARMY TRAINING STUFF.
Kirstyn: Wow
Scott: You remember that Woman golfer who disappeared?
Kirstyn: yeah, kinda.
Scott: well it's her, don't tell her that she's a golfer though. We kinda had to hypnotise her, there was an incident.
Kirstyn: Dude!
Scott: Yeah, but if you wolf whistle she barks like a dog.
Kirstyn: Massive abuse of hypnotism as a brainwashing technique man
Frau (in the distance) SCOTT!!!!!!
Scott: Hey Kirst, I've got to go now.
Kirst: Oh
Scott: Yeah my mom's all like we've got to have a family breakfast and stuff.
Kirstyn: That blows dude
Scott: Yeah
Frau (in the distance) SCOTT!!!!!!
Dr Evil (also in the distance) You'd better come Scott she gets cranky when her blood sugar gets low. What? What? You said you did. Scott come and help your father Scott! Scott I believe my life to be in danger Scott!
Scott: Sorry Kirst gotta go.
Scott puts down the phone and walks away down the corridor,
THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO THE MAIN CHAMBER, FACING A LIFT.
The lift doors opened and Scott steps out, he walks to the table where Dr Evil and Frau are already seated.
Frau: Wie geht es ihnen Scott?
Dr Evil: Son
Scott sits down in a lumpy teenage way.
Silence, Dr Evil takes the top off of his boiled egg with a spoon delicately and over politely. It flies off and hits one off the guards in the face.
Dr Evil (looking back towards the guard) Sorry, I don't usually do eggs. (turning back towards table and smiling falsely)
Dr Evil: (holding out coffeepot) Coffee?
Scott: (in a surly teenage manner) no
Dr Evil offers the coffee pot to Frau
Frau: (gesturing to the bump and smiling apologetically) makes me a little sick
Scott: She puked like a fountain
Dr Evil: no coffee. Ok (puts coffeepot down and taps nervously on the tabletop)
Dr Evil: So, what's everyone doing today?
Frau: I have a scan
Dr Evil looks puzzled
Scott: numb nuts
Frau: To check (makes a general gesture towards herself) to see if iss ien mermaid. Or Siamese twins.
Dr Evil: (distantly) Ya, that would be cool.
Scott: ass
Frau glares at Dr Evil
Dr Evil (snaps back to earth): no, right, uncool
SCENE 17
EXTIERIOR, A TRUCK STOP STATION
The door to a huge articulated lorry opens, mini-me jumps out.
Voice of unseen truck driver: You be careful little buddy. I'd take you further but this is my last stop.
Mini-me salutes as the truck drives off. He turns and walks towards the stop station.
CUT TO, INTERIOR TRUCK STOP STATION.
The camera pans around the interior of the truck stop station, we see that it's populated almost entirely by huge scary red neck truckers and dusty arsed bikers. The camera focuses on the door which opens, everyone one turns to face the door. In walks mini-me.
SCENE 18
INTIERIOR, DR EVIL'S LAIR, CORRIDOR.
Austin and Agent 69 creep along the corridors, occasionally Agent 69 sprays the hairspray and the creep under an infra red beam or Austin judo chops a stray guard.
Agent 69: You've worked with Dr Evil before, where do you think he'd keep a weather machine?
Austin: Weather machine room?
Agent 69 (Shrugging): It's a possibility.
PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK