No One Knows Who I Am
* * *
All standard disclaimers apply. I am not the owner of Digimon (because if I were, I would have kindly left the future open for any coupling...). I make no money from this fic. So, please don't sue. I like writing, and would be very upset if I couldn't write this. Anyway, as indicated in the last fic, this story contains shenoun-ai, namely, Daiken. React accordingly (which does NOT mean flaming me).
* * *
~Look at me,
And tell me who I am,
Why I am,
What I am...~
-Ken, I need to talk to you soon; can you meet me in the park in Odaiba around 4?- Ken just stared at the E-mail.
"What could be so important to Daisuke?" he asked himself.
"He's got a crush on you," Minomon said nonchalantly.
"What!?" Minomon grinned smugly at him.
"I think you're the only one of the Digidestined who didn't know." Ken sat back in his chair, rubbing his forehead.
"I'd always thought he might have, but...what's the use?" Minomon hopped over to Ken, and looked into his eyes.
"But I thought you liked Daisuke, Ken-chan!" Ken nodded, but let a tear roll down his cheeks.
"But that's it...he likes the person he thinks I am. I can't believe he'd actually like me. Minomon, *I* don't even know who I am." Minomon frowned.
"Ken-chan, I know who you are!"
"Then can you tell me?" Ken's voice was bitter. "When I was the Kaiser, at least I had an identity. Here, I was the boy genius. There, I was the feared dictator. Now..."
"You're a Chosen Child, Ken-chan, and you're Ken."
"But who *is* Ken? That's the problem, the dilemma I face."
~Call me a fool,
And it's true I am;
I don't know
Who I am...~
Minomon jumped into Ken's lap, and looked up at him adoringly.
"But Ken-chan, I can tell you that you're not the Kaiser." Ken sighed.
"There's plenty of people I can tell myself I'm *not*, Minomon. But it's not enough to say who *I* am, and I don't want to get involved with someone only to learn that the boy he like wasn't me, but a mask." He stared into the distance longingly. "I never wanted to be remembered as the Kaiser, because that's not me. But, little Ken-chan from so long ago isn't me either. I just want to know..." Minomon sighed (A/N: It's hard to work with in-training forms, okay? They have no hands!).
"Ken-chan, you just need to have faith in yourself, and you can find what you're looking for."
"You think?"
"Of course, Ken-chan. You're a good person; you deserve to have a purpose in life."
~It's such a shame.
I'm such a sham,
No one knows
Who I am...~
"I suppose, then, that I should go see him," Ken sighed. He reached for his D-3.
"No, Ken-chan. You're still confused. I think that you should tell him you have things to work out...he'll only get hurt if you talk to him now." Ken nodded, and wrote out a message.
-I'm sorry, Dai-chan, but I have a lot to work through right now. I'm afraid I wouldn't be much company. I will see you tomorrow, though. Ja ne.- He looked at the message another few moments, and then sent it.
"There." He dropped the item onto the rug in his room.
"Ken-chan...you're doing the right thing," Minomon said softly. Ken nodded.
"I know that. But...then why does it feel so bad?"
"Because you like Daisuke?"
"Hai."
* * *
~Am I the face of the future?
Am I the face of the past?
Am I the one who must finish last?~
Ken looked at his face in the bathroom mirror. His blue-black hair hung, framing his face, and his indigo eyes, well, they looked defeated.
'Is this really who I am? A ruined person, left with nothign worth trying for?' He shook his head.
"I can't just give up. Not now. Not ever. I'm not the Kaiser; he belongs in the past. I'm not little Ken-chan, who simply let others rule his life. I'm...Ken. I'm smart, I'm kind, I've got a very good friend, and a devoted partner...but is that all I am?" He smiled in the mirror, tentatively. "No; my characteristics don't define me. They only refer to me. Who am I? I am Ichijouji Ken." And the smile stayed with him. He walked back into his room, and noticed the D-3. There was a new message.
-Okay, Ken-san. I'll see you tomorrow.- There didn't have to be a signature. Ken looked at the message again, and winced at the use of the formal name. It was obvious from the shortness of the message and the fact that Daisuke had used the 'san' that he was upset. Upset with Ken because he had had something important to say, and Ken had ignored it.
"Ken-chan?" Minomon asked cautiously. Ken didn't respond. "Ken-chan?"
"Kindness? Ha! I'm anything but kind. For me, it takes so little effort to hurt others!" Ken pulled out his Digivice, and his crest, and hurled both across his room, where they bounced against the wall. "It looks like Ichijouji's screwed up again, this time alienating the one person who cares about him."
"Your parents care about you, Ken-chan," Minomon added. Ken whirled to face him, and curled himself up in a ball, sobbing.
~Look at me
And tell me who I am.
Why I am.
What I am.~
"How can I live like this? One minute I'm happy, confident, and the next-crying like a lovesick teenage girl! I-I'm just so confused, and...nothing seems to help. I'm anything but kind, and smart? I just learn books well. I can't deal with people. I only hurt others. Even you-Minomon, I hurt you." Ken continued to sob.
"Ken-chan...you *are* kind. Kindness isn't knowing how to avoid hurting others' feelings. It's knowing how to help them pull themselves together, and how to help them protect themselves. Just because you're kind...doesn't mean you're not allowed to make mistakes."
~Will I survive?
Who will give a damn,
If no one knows
Who I am?~
"Yeah, but it doesn't really matter anymore. Daisuke probably hates me now." Ken handed the message over to Minomon, who read it thoughtfully.
"Ken-chan, he's just mad. Hasn't he ever been mad at you?"
"No," Ken stated flatly. "He's always looked up to me, even-well, he's never been upset with me. He was disappointed, once, I know, but..." He sighed. "I'll write him an apology. I hope he'll still want to talk to me. I think...I think I've found myself again."
-Dai-chan, listen, I'm really sorry. I...had some important things I needed to think about, and they really had to come before anyone else's problems. Will we still be friends?-
~Nobody know-
Not even you-
No one knows who I am...~
-Ken-we'll see.-
* * *
I'm sorry. I never mean to write sad things...they just happen. If anything, blame my muses. They're evil, all of them. But there's still one more part, so don't lose hope. It could still work out...maybe. Ja.
* * *
All standard disclaimers apply. I am not the owner of Digimon (because if I were, I would have kindly left the future open for any coupling...). I make no money from this fic. So, please don't sue. I like writing, and would be very upset if I couldn't write this. Anyway, as indicated in the last fic, this story contains shenoun-ai, namely, Daiken. React accordingly (which does NOT mean flaming me).
* * *
~Look at me,
And tell me who I am,
Why I am,
What I am...~
-Ken, I need to talk to you soon; can you meet me in the park in Odaiba around 4?- Ken just stared at the E-mail.
"What could be so important to Daisuke?" he asked himself.
"He's got a crush on you," Minomon said nonchalantly.
"What!?" Minomon grinned smugly at him.
"I think you're the only one of the Digidestined who didn't know." Ken sat back in his chair, rubbing his forehead.
"I'd always thought he might have, but...what's the use?" Minomon hopped over to Ken, and looked into his eyes.
"But I thought you liked Daisuke, Ken-chan!" Ken nodded, but let a tear roll down his cheeks.
"But that's it...he likes the person he thinks I am. I can't believe he'd actually like me. Minomon, *I* don't even know who I am." Minomon frowned.
"Ken-chan, I know who you are!"
"Then can you tell me?" Ken's voice was bitter. "When I was the Kaiser, at least I had an identity. Here, I was the boy genius. There, I was the feared dictator. Now..."
"You're a Chosen Child, Ken-chan, and you're Ken."
"But who *is* Ken? That's the problem, the dilemma I face."
~Call me a fool,
And it's true I am;
I don't know
Who I am...~
Minomon jumped into Ken's lap, and looked up at him adoringly.
"But Ken-chan, I can tell you that you're not the Kaiser." Ken sighed.
"There's plenty of people I can tell myself I'm *not*, Minomon. But it's not enough to say who *I* am, and I don't want to get involved with someone only to learn that the boy he like wasn't me, but a mask." He stared into the distance longingly. "I never wanted to be remembered as the Kaiser, because that's not me. But, little Ken-chan from so long ago isn't me either. I just want to know..." Minomon sighed (A/N: It's hard to work with in-training forms, okay? They have no hands!).
"Ken-chan, you just need to have faith in yourself, and you can find what you're looking for."
"You think?"
"Of course, Ken-chan. You're a good person; you deserve to have a purpose in life."
~It's such a shame.
I'm such a sham,
No one knows
Who I am...~
"I suppose, then, that I should go see him," Ken sighed. He reached for his D-3.
"No, Ken-chan. You're still confused. I think that you should tell him you have things to work out...he'll only get hurt if you talk to him now." Ken nodded, and wrote out a message.
-I'm sorry, Dai-chan, but I have a lot to work through right now. I'm afraid I wouldn't be much company. I will see you tomorrow, though. Ja ne.- He looked at the message another few moments, and then sent it.
"There." He dropped the item onto the rug in his room.
"Ken-chan...you're doing the right thing," Minomon said softly. Ken nodded.
"I know that. But...then why does it feel so bad?"
"Because you like Daisuke?"
"Hai."
* * *
~Am I the face of the future?
Am I the face of the past?
Am I the one who must finish last?~
Ken looked at his face in the bathroom mirror. His blue-black hair hung, framing his face, and his indigo eyes, well, they looked defeated.
'Is this really who I am? A ruined person, left with nothign worth trying for?' He shook his head.
"I can't just give up. Not now. Not ever. I'm not the Kaiser; he belongs in the past. I'm not little Ken-chan, who simply let others rule his life. I'm...Ken. I'm smart, I'm kind, I've got a very good friend, and a devoted partner...but is that all I am?" He smiled in the mirror, tentatively. "No; my characteristics don't define me. They only refer to me. Who am I? I am Ichijouji Ken." And the smile stayed with him. He walked back into his room, and noticed the D-3. There was a new message.
-Okay, Ken-san. I'll see you tomorrow.- There didn't have to be a signature. Ken looked at the message again, and winced at the use of the formal name. It was obvious from the shortness of the message and the fact that Daisuke had used the 'san' that he was upset. Upset with Ken because he had had something important to say, and Ken had ignored it.
"Ken-chan?" Minomon asked cautiously. Ken didn't respond. "Ken-chan?"
"Kindness? Ha! I'm anything but kind. For me, it takes so little effort to hurt others!" Ken pulled out his Digivice, and his crest, and hurled both across his room, where they bounced against the wall. "It looks like Ichijouji's screwed up again, this time alienating the one person who cares about him."
"Your parents care about you, Ken-chan," Minomon added. Ken whirled to face him, and curled himself up in a ball, sobbing.
~Look at me
And tell me who I am.
Why I am.
What I am.~
"How can I live like this? One minute I'm happy, confident, and the next-crying like a lovesick teenage girl! I-I'm just so confused, and...nothing seems to help. I'm anything but kind, and smart? I just learn books well. I can't deal with people. I only hurt others. Even you-Minomon, I hurt you." Ken continued to sob.
"Ken-chan...you *are* kind. Kindness isn't knowing how to avoid hurting others' feelings. It's knowing how to help them pull themselves together, and how to help them protect themselves. Just because you're kind...doesn't mean you're not allowed to make mistakes."
~Will I survive?
Who will give a damn,
If no one knows
Who I am?~
"Yeah, but it doesn't really matter anymore. Daisuke probably hates me now." Ken handed the message over to Minomon, who read it thoughtfully.
"Ken-chan, he's just mad. Hasn't he ever been mad at you?"
"No," Ken stated flatly. "He's always looked up to me, even-well, he's never been upset with me. He was disappointed, once, I know, but..." He sighed. "I'll write him an apology. I hope he'll still want to talk to me. I think...I think I've found myself again."
-Dai-chan, listen, I'm really sorry. I...had some important things I needed to think about, and they really had to come before anyone else's problems. Will we still be friends?-
~Nobody know-
Not even you-
No one knows who I am...~
-Ken-we'll see.-
* * *
I'm sorry. I never mean to write sad things...they just happen. If anything, blame my muses. They're evil, all of them. But there's still one more part, so don't lose hope. It could still work out...maybe. Ja.