Sandoval sat, staring out the
window into the pitch black night. He sighed silently, laying down on the bed,
but knew he would not be able to sleep. Everything was just so hopeless… His
conversation with Da'an had shown him that.
What had happened? There had
been so much he wanted to say, to make Da'an understand just how much his life
had been ruined. But for the first time in his life the words would not come.
Every time he looked at the Taelon memories flooded his mind. Though no longer
enhanced by a CVI, the emotions associated with them were free to haunt him.
There was such pain…unbearable pain which threatened to consume him like an
uncontrolled flame.
Sandoval shuddered as
thoughts of Deedee floated through his mind. Deedee… He'd destroyed the very
thing he had lived for. Willingly destroyed her for nothing-for a group of
aliens who planned to enslave the human race. And he had been helping them… As
if hurting Deedee wasn't enough… How could he live knowing all that he had
done? The pain…the memories-they would be with him forever. Sandoval sat up,
glancing to the knife that had been left on the table with the fruit. There was
only one way to stop them…
Somewhere in the dark of the
night Sandoval heard a bird scream…
***
"Thank you for coming,
Sunlark," Vanyel said as the kestra'chern came into view. He sighed
to himself-he was lucky Sunlark had shown up.
"I must say I was
surprised when I received your message. It is not often I would expect to hear
from you." Sunlark paused for a moment. "But then I realized you had
an Outlander in your care. I would have come sooner, but…"
"I know you are
busy," Vanyel said. "I am just glad you agreed to come."
Sunlark eyed him closely. "You
need not have questioned such a thing. I would not hesitate to respond to a
friend's request." He nodded towards the door to the building. "Shall
we…?"
Vanyel nodded in response,
shuddering slightly at the thought. He'd spent as little time as possible with
Sandoval. While he wanted to comfort him, this brought back memories he didn't
want to face. Especially around Sandoval. He couldn't help but feel guilty
loving someone after…
"Van?" Sunlark
asked softly. "Are you well?"
Vanyel started, broken from
his thoughts. "Yeah. I'm fine," he replied shakily, still trying to
push unwanted memories from his mind.
Sunlark seemed unconvinced,
placing a hand lightly on Vanyel's shoulder. "There is no need for you to
accompany me if you feel you cannot do so. I do not wish this to cause either
of you pain…"
Vanyel smiled slightly,
relaxing at Sunlark's touch. It was cool and comforting; calmness radiated from
it and spread through his body. He closed his eyes, relishing in the peace it
brought.
"Better now?"
Sunlark asked several moments later, breaking their touch.
"Yes, I am." Vanyel
nodded, this time sincere. He opened his eyes, meeting Sunlark's. "Thank
you."
"There is no need to
thank me. As I said, I do not hesitate to respond to a friend's request-or
need." He motioned to the door yet again. "Once more, shall we proceed?"
Vanyel followed Sunlark into
the semi-darkened room. Sandoval sat on the bed, staring blankly into
space-focusing on nothing. He looked surprisingly well, considering. They had
been lucky-too lucky. If Serous hadn't come to him panicked, they would not
have known until it was too late for Moondance to do anything for him. Vanyel
started to get Sandoval's attention, but Sunlark silenced him with little more
than a look.
He watched silently as
Sunlark sat down facing Sandoval, taking one of his hands and examining the
fresh scar on his wrist. It was amazing how quickly people could be changed.
For appearing so strong, in truth they were so fragile. The slightest incident
could shatter them into a thousand pieces. He suspected this had been building for
Sandoval-he was only here to see the fall…
"This is becoming all
too familiar a mark," Sunlark said, breaking Sandoval from his trance. He
traced the jagged line with his fingers. "It pains me each time I see
another, for it signifies more hopelessness and loneliness than any person
should be forced to endure."
"How can you know what
I'm feeling?" Sandoval asked halfheartedly.
Sunlark smiled. "I
believe you are the answer to your own question. How is it that you know I am
sincere in wishing to help you?" Sandoval was silent. "It is my job
to know, Sandoval, and to relieve that pain-in much the same way Moondance does
for physical wounds."
"I don't need you,"
Sandoval insisted.
"Others disagree,"
Sunlark glanced at Vanyel, "as do I. I can only imagine how difficult it
is for you. You have been taken from the world you know, and forced into this
one. Then to endure the pain of having node energy sent through you and dealing
with the channels it opened. Mindspeech and Empathy are difficult Gifts to deal
with, even for one experienced in such things-especially at your strength and
together in combination. Though you have been shown the very basics in
shielding, you are not yet versed enough to protect yourself completely. Things
must seem terribly bleak to you-living like this for the rest of your
life."
Sandoval bowed his head,
refusing to acknowledge Sunlark's words. Sunlark studied him closely, and
Vanyel wondered what else the kestra'chern had planned. He had never
seen a kestra'chern fail to achieve the results they wanted…
"Or perhaps I have not
yet hit on the reason," Sunlark continued. "Perhaps it goes deeper
than what has happened here. The Compulsions you suffered under…the loss of
your wife…the things you did for the Companions…-all are difficult to
bear."
Sandoval looked up,
surprised. The fear and pain in his eyes tore at Vanyel. Sandoval had lost a
loved one? He hadn't known…
"Do not question how I
have learned such things," Sunlark warned him. "Realize only that I
know-it is no longer a secret of yours to keep. Secrets such as that will
destroy you, Sandoval. If kept inside, they grow and become more poisonous with
time. You keep many secrets…"
"Then what am I supposed
to do?"
"You must have the
courage to face your past and all that has happened in it. But at the same
time, you must let go of the guilt and the pain. Never forget what you have
experienced, but do not let it consume you either." Sunlark rose, letting
go of Sandoval's arm. "You have been given a second chance on this world.
Do not bind yourself to your past life, but learn to live here. Find enjoyment
in life once again." Sunlark turned quickly, leaving the room.
Vanyel hurried after him,
finding Sunlark waiting just outside the door. "He does not need me,"
Sunlark said, taking Vanyel's hand as he had Sandoval's. Vanyel tried not to
flinch as Sunlark turned it over, revealing his own scars. "He needs
you." With that, Sunlark disappeared down the path.
Vanyel sighed, realizing
Sunlark was right-Sandoval should know… Unfortunately, that did not make the
story any easier to tell. It would require telling Sandoval things he'd prefer
the man not know-least he reject him for what he was. Vanyel shook his head
slightly-that he would not be able to handle. He loved Sandoval too much to
keep from being hurt if he was rejected by him. Taking a deep breath, Vanyel
stepped back into the room. There was no other choice…
Sandoval was once again
staring off into space. This time, however, he appeared to be less trying to
escape all that had happened, than contemplate it. Vanyel laughed softly,
taking the seat Sunlark had used. "It seems Sunlark has given my raven
much to consider."
Sandoval turned from his
thoughts, focusing his attention on Vanyel. "Why do you call me that?
Raven?"
Vanyel studied him for a
moment. He'd asked as if there was another meaning for the word, which Sandoval
was surprised to hear applied. Or perhaps surprised that Vanyel knew.
"Black hair is uncommon in the Vale. The energies which flow through here tend
to bleach it to a silver. Yours will turn eventually, but for now it is
black-like a raven's feathers." Vanyel switched topics. "If you do
not mind having more to think about, I have a story I would like to share with
you. Some of it you have already heard, but…" Sandoval nodded.
"I have told you before
that I was fostered at the Haven court with my aunt, Savil," Vanyel
started. "I met someone there-someone who was to mean a lot to me…"
Vanyel stopped, hesitating.
There was no easy way to say what needed to be said… "I…I do not know what
your kind would call it-or how they view such a thing. Here I would be called shay'a'chern,
or shaych. Basically, it refers to the fact that I prefer lovers of my
own gender… Here, little is though of it-while not productive to the survival
of a race, it is an accepted occurrence in nature. And so the Tayledras see it
as nothing unusual. Starwind and Moondance are not an exception…
"But at Haven, shay'a'chern
are not as accepted, nor as plentiful. If it had not been for Tylendel, I would
not have known what I am. He showed me much about myself, including the fact
that we were shay'kreth'ashke, or lifebonded. That bond connected us so
closely…" Vanyel shook his head, moving on.
"Tylendel had a twin,
Staven. He was killed--murdered, actually--in a blood feud. Tylendel vowed
revenge, and I helped him get it. He used me to help him build a Gate and
attack his enemy using magic. Tylendel's Companion did not approve and tried to
stop him-getting killed in the process. Without his Companion, and mad with
grief and magic, Tylendel killed himself. It is a long explanation and I do not
understand it all myself, but the Gate energy was grounded through me-and my
channels were blasted open.
"I blamed myself for
what happened to Tylendel. I should have been able to stop it. And I could not
face living another moment without him. His death had left a void in me that
could never be filled. So I tried to kill myself." Vanyel turned his
wrists so that Sandoval could see the scars. "To punish myself for letting
Tylendel die… To escape the pain…
"It was not easy,
learning to live once again. Even today, I miss Tylendel. To tell you this
brings back painful memories and questions of how I could have prevented his
death."
Vanyel closed his eyes and
bowed his head-not wanting to see Sandoval's reaction. "I will leave you
now..." He stood to go.
He hesitated. This was his
only chance to tell Sandoval what he had wanted to from the first day he had
seen him. After this… And he had told him so much already… Vanyel looked to
Sandoval, not trying to stop the stream of tears which ran down his cheeks.
"I have not loved anyone since 'Lendel. I had feared I would never do so
again. He gave me so much, I felt to love another as deeply as I had him would
be to betray him. But I see now I was wrong, for I love you, my raven. And I
understand why you can most likely not return my love…" Vanyel turned and
fled from the room.
***
"You appear to be doing
well."
Sandoval glanced behind him
to see Lili approaching. He eyed the clothing she wore--scouts clothing, he'd
learned that much. Lili as a scout? Made sense. Without answering, he turned
back to the stream.
Lili sat down next to him.
"Heard they removed your CVI." Lili once again didn't get an answer,
she paused. "Did I interrupt something?" she asked, tentatively.
"No. I was just thinking
about Deedee." He scoffed to himself. It was easy for Sunlark to talk--but
it was harder to come to terms with her death and leave the pain behind.
Lili studied him for a few
moments, deciding. "There's something I've wanted to tell you for quite a
while," Lili said. "Sandoval, Deedee's not dead."
Sandoval jumped at her words.
Not dead?!
Lili hesitated. "Boone
and I worked for the Resistance. He knew you needed to think she was dead, so
that's what he told you. But actually, we gave her a new identity and a new
place to live…."
"She's not dead?"
he asked.
Lili shook her head.
"I'm going to go, Sandoval. Let me know if you need anything…"
Sandoval hardly heard her go.
Miraculously, some of the pain that had burned so inside of him had been
extinguished. He would never hold Deedee in his arms again, but somehow knowing
she was alive was enough. He had not completely destroyed her life, she had
been given a second chance to live… And he hoped she had taken it--she deserved
it, deserved a chance to be happy.
Boone… God. Even if Boone was
alive, he would never return to his world to thank him. It was too late...
Sighing softly, Sandoval looked to the sky, turning his face to the sun.
"Thank you," he whispered, hoping his words would be carried to
whatever place Boone now resided in. For some reason he felt they would.
:Dark One no longer hurt?:
He opened his eyes at the
voice in his mind. Serous sat on a rock that jutted out of the stream, his head
tilted and his eyes fixed on Sandoval. "Go away," he said sharply,
then stopped, seeing an unmistakable look of hurt in the bird's eyes.
"Some," he answered, laughing at the idea of speaking to a bird--or
of the bird speaking back!
:Heart hurt,: Serous replied. Sandoval looked at him questioningly,
wondering to which of them Serous was referring. He didn't answer, and Sandoval
let his mind wander yet again.
So much had happened in these
past few days. He was only just now beginning to understand. It would take a
lifetime to comprehend it completely. But he had a lifetime…. Sunlark made so
much sense--he had a second chance. A chance to begin his life over, without
the burdens of his previous one. This world was so different….
Things had already changed.
In his last life, Deedee had been the only person to really care for him--and
he had taken that for granted. Here… Moondance, Sunlark, Vanyel—they all seemed
to care what happened to him, cared enough to help him.
Sandoval sighed. Vanyel… He
hadn't expected such a revelation from the man--but he should have guessed. Had
he been so blind as to miss Starwind and Moondance? He picked up a stone from
the bank, turning it over in his hand and examining it. It had been so long
since anyone had loved him--cared for him that deeply… And Vanyel had been
telling the truth, he knew that much--even without the added benefits he seemed
to be cursed with. Why would Vanyel lie about such a thing?
Sandoval stopped suddenly, realizing
what he was considering. Vanyel?! No…he couldn't. But… No. It was wrong.
He tossed the stone into the
stream and closed his eyes. Wrong by whose standards? His world's? Those were
no longer valid--not here, not in this place. This was a whole new world. Why
should he have to answer to the morals of his previous life? And Vanyel had
said it was accepted here…
Sandoval shuddered. He was so
alone--and afraid. He didn't want to face the rest of his life without someone
at his side. And Vanyel…. He shook his head, trying to rid it of the thought.
No…he couldn't.
:Vanyel nice,: Serous said, trying to help him.
Sandoval opened his eyes.
Since he was talking to a bird, nothing else should surprise him. He surveyed
the clearing. Vanyel had done so much for him, it was only fair that he give
the relationship a chance. Sandoval sighed again, he needed to give several
things a chance….
"Serous?" he asked
quietly. The bird chirped in response, cocking its head the other way.
"Can you forgive me for what I said the other day?"
:Dark One sick. Not know
what he say. Like Serous?:
Sandoval smiled--he'd never
been forgive quite that easily. "Yes, I like Serous."
:Good. Good match.:
"I don't really know
what to do with you…." Sandoval warned.
:Dark One learn. Serous
teach. Not hard….: Serous replied,
seeming to smile.
***
"Sandoval? What are you
doing here?" Vanyel asked as Sandoval entered the room. He glanced out at
the rapidly darkening twilight. He was surprised Sandoval had found the place.
Since Sandoval had been using the ground room where he usually stayed, he had
moved into one of the other unused ones on the outskirts of the Vale. Actually,
he was surprised Sandoval had come at all….
"I've been thinking
quite a bit the past few days. You said before that you'd train me…."
Sandoval answered.
Serous flew in through the
door and Vanyel watched as Sandoval almost instinctively held out his arm, now
covered with a leather gauntlet, for the bird to perch on. Obviously he had
been thinking, he hadn't been doing that a couple of days ago…. Vanyel glanced
at the pair; Serous was right-they were a good match. But when did he decide to
go ahead and take up a bondbird? And how had he learned to handle him so well
in such a short time?
:Good teacher,: Serous said, meeting Vanyel's eyes. Vanyel laughed
softly, he'd forgotten the bird's preference of listening to everyone's
thoughts, and not just his bonded's. Hopefully that would soon change…. The
bird stayed on Sandoval's arm for a moment longer then moved to a perch that
had been built into the wall for such a purpose.
"As much as I can,"
Vanyel explained. "My talents do not lie in Empathy or Healing. But I can
teach you the basics and Mindspeech. The rest…there are others I can find to
help you in those."
Sandoval nodded, turning away
slightly. Vanyel watched him closely; something about this was difficult for
him. "Are you okay?" Vanyel asked, placing a hand on Sandoval's
shoulder and steering him to a chair. "I could get Moondance or Sunlark…."
"No," Sandoval said
several moments later, but continued to avoid Vanyel's gaze.
When he finally did look up,
Vanyel's breath caught in his throat. There was an incredible longing in
Sandoval's eyes that mirrored the one in his own. Vanyel hardly breathed; he
dared not hope the gaze was for him. He wanted this too much…. "Perhaps
you should go."
Sandoval flinched at the
words. "I'll never be able to thank you for all that you've done…,"
he started.
"And you don't need
to," Vanyel interrupted. He backed up a few steps. No. Never, never
like this… "Go."
:Stop, ke'chara,: Yfandes' voice rang sharply in his
head.
:'Fandes, he's…,: Vanyel protested.
:No, he's not,: she insisted, her 'voice' softer and quieter. :He
didn't come here to ask you to train him, you know that. But he didn't come
here to 'repay' you either.: She paused. :This is not unknown to his
people, but it is not accepted. He never thought he could have feelings like
this towards another of his own sex. Van, he made the decision to give this a
chance several days ago, and ever since then it's been torturing him. He's had
ideas instilled in him that no longer apply here, and he realizes that. But he
can't help listening to them. Every time he decides to back out, his thoughts
turn to you again.:
Yfandes stopped for a moment,
but started again before Vanyel had a chance to speak. :Whether he's finally
given into 'fate' or not, I don't know. But he is trying to learn about
this world. You've been avoiding him, so you don't know that he's been talking
to all manner of people--Sunlark, Moondance, Starwind, Sundance, Brightwind,
Wintersong… The rest of the time he spends by himself, thinking… I believe your
raven has learned more about himself in these past few days than he has his
entire life….:
:How do you know?: Vanyel asked, terribly skeptical.
:Who do you think told him
where to find you?: she asked.
Yfandes took on a commanding tone once again. :This is hard for him, and it
has taken much for him to come to you. You will hear him out.: And
she was gone--her link to him completely severed.
Vanyel stood, dumbstruck. As
if what she had told him wasn't enough, he couldn't remember the last time he'd
gotten a reprimand from Yfandes. Sandoval willingly…? Why? "I'm
sorry," he said softly, sitting down in a nearby chair.
Sandoval didn't respond to
his words, and Vanyel let the awkward silence drag on. Sandoval needed to be
the one to break it.
"Vanyel, I didn't start
with this in mind. But…it's been so long since anyone has cared whether I live
or die…," he said finally.
"Which I will give you
freely in any case," Vanyel explained, still panicky.
Sandoval nodded his head.
"When I realized what I was thinking…. My society doesn't work that way--I'd
developed a low tolerance towards homosexuals. But I realized I couldn't judge
this world by my standards. I was just going to give it a chance--merely talk
to you and see what happened. I didn't think anything would come of it. I mean,
hell, I'd just told a bird I'd 'bond' with it." Sandoval hesitated.
"You'd done so much for me… That was meant to be a repayment…"
Vanyel's eyes widened in
surprise. Had he been…? Vanyel quickly thickened his shields. He couldn't
really hold it against Sandoval if he'd been prying--untrained as he was he
couldn't really help doing so.
"The more I thought
about it, the more I realized I did care for you--almost as deeply as you care
for me. And that scared me. It is easy to say you won't judge by particular
standards, but it's harder to do. But every time I decided not to go through
with it, my thoughts turned back to you. It was going to tear me apart."
Sandoval sighed, wiping a
tear from the corner of his eye. Vanyel longed to hold him in his arms and
comfort him; allow him to cry on his shoulder and tell him all would be well.
But he couldn't. Not until he knew exactly what was driving this--and assured
himself that it was what Sandoval wanted, not what he felt he had to do.
"I love you,
Vanyel," Sandoval said quietly. Vanyel tried not to flinch--the words had
obviously cost Sandoval so much that they could be nothing but sincere. Vanyel
studied Sandoval closely, he was battling so much to do this--his personality,
his ideas…. There was nothing left of the arrogant, by-the-book man who had
walked into this Vale. Nor was this a good indicator, Vanyel reminded himself.
One had to look past the layers which were still crumbling to find the true
essence. Kind and gentle, yet brilliant and introverted--Sandoval would be
strong beyond all his other traits. It would take time though; healing does not
occur over night.
"When I think of facing
the future alone, it scares me. And the only one I want at my side is you. The
thought of losing you cuts me as deeply as the thought of Deedee being dead.
But to never have you, that hurts just as worse," Sandoval continued.
"And Deedee?"
Vanyel asked.
Sandoval closed his eyes and
smiled slightly--as if, for once, the thought of his wife had brought forth
pleasant memories. "Do you think it's possible to love two people at the
same time?"
Vanyel joined Sandoval in his
smile as he remembered Tylendel. "Yes, I do." He stood up, taking a
step towards Sandoval. "From the moment I saw you, I knew I loved you. I
don't know whether one can have two lifebonds in a lifetime, but I feel with
you the same thing I did with 'Lendel." He took Sandoval's hand in his,
pulling him from the chair. "If it is what you want, I shall never leave
your side, my shaya," he whispered, putting out the magelights with
a mere thought.
"And I will never leave yours…"