Title: Amen
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Zach thinks about faith and everything that comes with it.
Disclaimer: Theirs, not mine. I know, I just like to play with them.
A/N: I wrote this at like 2:30 in the morning so I am sorry if it's completely weird or doesn't make sense.
~~
"Our father who art in heaven..."
He sat in the back of the church, watching the people on around him, their hands clasped as their mouths uttered the words that were as familiar as their own names. He never understood their faith, their belief in something that they had never seen. They prayed and wished and hoped, they actually thought that there was someone who would love them and forgive them for anything as long as they truly regretted it. If they truly regretted it they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Being sorry for something didn't change the fact that it happened, it was completely irrelevant. Forgive me Father for I have sinned...
"Hallowed be thy name..."
A woman in front of him relaxed her shoulders, her could see the tension leaving her body. How could she find peace in something so worthless? Their sins would be forgiven, a couple Hail Mary's and everything would go away. It was mass delusion, actions have consequences and there was no such thing as unconditional love and never ending mercy. He watched them with their eyes closed, heads bent as their words filled the room. These people didn't have sins. Their lives were hard but what true sins had they committed. Lust. Greed. Jealousy. A small look at a pretty girl. Stealing. Those were nothing. Nothing. Lust wasn't a sin, it was a mix of chemicals in the brain triggering hormones in the body. It wasn't something you could control. What did it matter if you thought of better things, be a little greedy. It won't send you to hell, hell doesn't exist, not as they know it anyway.
"Thy kingdom come..."
Fire and brimstone, the devil tormenting you for screwing your neighbor's wife. The devil didn't have a forked tail and horns, he had blond hair and a raspy voice. Hell wasn't full of boiling pools of lava and flaming pits. It was cold dark pools with chains at the bottom and doctors with sharp knives and frozen eyes. You didn't go to hell because you sinned, you were born into it because your mother decided money was more important than her child. You couldn't be saved from Hell you had to escape it, Hell wasn't something that came with death it came with a life that was worse than death. None of these people would ever go to hell, not because their prayers would save them but because there was nothing the devil would want in them. The devil wanted him and prayers would never save him from that.
Thy will be done...
They believed God would save them from Hell and raise their souls up to Heaven where they would have everlasting life. They didn't realize that they were already in Heaven. Heaven wasn't angels and harps and happiness, Heaven was simply the absence of hell and hell was also known as Manticore so logically he was already in Heaven. It wasn't the wonderful Heaven people dreamed of, but there were no knives, and their were no dissections. You didn't lie in your bed waiting for someone to come and get you and hurt you, while the devil stood over you and ordered you not to scream. Screaming only makes it hurt more. A lesson learned early in Hell and never forgotten. The devil chased him still though and they didn't know he could get into Heaven.
On earth as it is in Heaven...
Faith. He believed in what he saw and what he saw was death, and hatred. Pain and suffering and everything that was evil. That's what he believed in. He saw his family running, looking over their shoulder for the devil, waiting in the shadows to tear their fragile lives from them. Freedom they could never fully enjoy because all they could do was run to keep it, fight to keep peace. That was his faith, his belief. The only belief he had was that he would run, and he would fight and bleed and scream in silence for his freedom that never allowed him to be free.
Give us this day our daily bread...
The incense burned his nose and he could hear the wicks of the candles behind him burning, prayers in each small flame. They whispered hopes as they lit the matches, believing that their God would somehow see those prayers born with the flame lighting the candle. There was no such thing as luck and prayer was just as absurd. Things happened because you made them happen not because of some intervention by a higher power. Belief in yourself was what kept you alive, you couldn't wait for someone else to take care of you, to take you in their arms and carry you to safety. There was no such thing as safety and no loving arms would come from empty words no matter the hope you put into them.
And forgive us our trespasses
He scorned them for their hope, knowing it was a fruitless thought. To hope was to be let down because nothing ever came to be as you wanted. Hope was nothing more than a vague and weak word for planning except that with hope you did nothing to achieve it but wish. Kneel down before an empty wish and believe that your whispered dreams would yield fulfillment, hope that there were ears somewhere listening and caring about your quiet prayers. Hope was empty. Hope was nothing but time that could be used better elsewhere.
As we forgive those who trespass against us...
Michael. Fight Satan and lead the celestial armies to righteousness. Take our souls to Heaven or send them to Hell that doesn't exist. Protect me warrior angel but always fail me for you are nothing more than a thought. Give me your strength Gabriel, protector of children for you never protected me. You would have sent the soul I don't have to earth to be born into Hell had you existed but you don't and I have only myself. Heal me Raphael though my wounds will always bleed. Teach me beauty Jophiel for I have seen only ugliness. Have mercy on me Zadkiel, and show me to my path Sariel. He scoffed at his thoughts and damned them for their lies for angels were nothing more than ghosts and no more real. No one would protect him from the devil but himself and beauty was nothing more than a fleeting thought that was quickly aged and destroyed.
And lead us not into temptation...
Their words grew stronger, though they were not said any louder. They spoke to someone who didn't exist, their God. For what God would let be done what had been done to him and his family? What God that was supposed to be filled with endless love let children be tortured, their crying souls screaming for someone to set them free though they had no concept of to whom they called for. What God would let their innocence be crushed for them right from birth, let their blood flow from tiny limbs and not heal their broken bones, snapped for no better reason than because it could be done. No God existed. And if he did he was the ultimate failure to those who believed because he did not save the innocent, or love endlessly. There had been no love for the dying souls, caged in Hell and never knowing the word salvation. No love for them, no safety, no hope. There was no God. For no one had ever come to save him.
But deliver us from evil...
His lips whispered the words though he didn't make them move. His eyes fixed on the cross, hoping though he did not believe in hope. He prayed for forgiveness though he did not believe in prayer. The candle he had lit burned behind him, smoke lifting his words up to an entity he did not believe in. Pray for us sinners now...
Amen.