Chapter 2
Buffy's head spun as she returned home from the mansion. She hadn't revealed everything she was feeling. Just enough to delve into the lighter part of her heart and pick out what she thought Angel wanted to hear. She simply didn't have the heart or the readiness to fully explain her emotions. Didn't know if she could. She had done a fair job since Angel seemed satisfied enough with her answers.
"I so don't feel like doing this." Buffy's History textbook stared blankly back up at her. History was her least favorable subject, although at a few rare times, it proved to be a valuable asset with her Slayer duties. But there were so many dates and so many events and they all jumbled around in her head like mixed nuts in a can.
A few minutes passed with a long, unproductive pause as she monotonously tapped her pencil. It wasn't working out as well as she expected, albeit it wasn't much of a surprise when it came to schoolwork. Especially the History part of it. She was about to pound her frustration on her desk when the phone rang. She picked up the receiver, controlling the strong urge to yell at the person on the other end.
Luckily for her, it was a wise decision, as it was Willow, calling for a daily chat. After a few minutes of chatter, Buffy felt the impulse to relax, have a bit fun, so she made plans for a movie at her house. A short time later, Willow, accompanied with an unsolicited Xander, were on the doorstep. Xander's arms were loaded with snacks.
"Hey, I've got to keep my energy up if I'm going to live through any movie." he had explained when he saw the incredulous look pass on Buffy's face as she eyed the mountanous pile of food.
"Hmm, I vividly remember asking Willow to come for the movie. But you, Xander...I don't ever recall invitiing you." Buffy shook her head, feigning memory loss.
"Aw come on, Buff, I came all this way lugging this mound of goodies, only to be turned away from one of my best buds?" A small box of chocolates fell from the stash. Xander nodded emphatically. "See, everything's falling to the floor 'cause I have so much. So you gotta let me in."
"He just wanted an excuse to eat." Willow gave a quick grin.
Buffy picked up the dropped box and gestured them inside. Guiding them into the living room, she pointed at a couch while she herself seated herself in front of a pile a tapes beside the television. She tossed the chocolates on the living room table. "Because of my hospitality, I can have these, right?"
"Why not. For a friend." Xander's smile was lopsided.
"So with that mountain of snacks, which ones are for us?" She questioned him as she began mulling through the titles. Stopping briefly, she eyed him from her spot on the floor, an eyebrow raised. "You did bring some for us, didn't you?"
Suprise crossed Xander's face, but it was hastily replaced by a reassuring goofy grin. "Oh yeah. I uh, brought these Cheesy-Puffs for you two." He sheepishly rummaged through his conglomerate stash of snacks and held up two small chip bags.
"Right, Xander. Like you'd really give up your food for us." Willow playfully punched him on the shoulder.
"Hey, stop with the violence!" Xander demanded. He turned his attention to Buffy, who was rifling through the tapes with a frown that grew deeper with each tape she flipped through. "So what are we watchin'? Or should I not ask?"
"We're having a vote." Buffy went through each tape, both Xander and Willow yea-ing and nay-ing for each one, also including in her own choices. After a lengthy elimination process, Buffy eventually shoved in a tape that sufficiently pleased all of them. She rooted out something to eat from the kitchen for herself and Willow and settled in between her two guests.
At the movie's end, everyone stood and stretched, Xander being happy for his fortunate luck of not needing to part with any of his snacks. Buffy checked the clock and gave a small sigh. It was time for her nightly patrol. "Sorry, guys. I've gotta boot you back home. Patrolling."
"You sure you'll be fine without us helping? Do you need our help?" Willow asked as she put on her jacket at the front door.
Before Buffy could answer, Xander threw Willow a patronizing look. "Will, listen to yourself. You're volunteering to go out and risk killing yourself? Are you insane?"
Willow's face blanked as she considered his words. When the implication of her spoken words finally sunk in, her face fell. "Oh. I see your point." She raised her eyebrows at Buffy hopefully. "So you really don't need our help, then, right? You can do it yourself, right?"
Buffy pretended to give it some hard thought. "Uh...I can manage on my own. Thanks for the offer, though. I'll do fine without you guys tagging along. Like Xander here said, it's....good to stay alive."
"Okay, good. Being alive is good. Don't you think so, Xander?" Willow looked over at him for moral support.
Xander firmly gripped Willow's shoulders. "Yes, I find it great to be alive, and now we're leaving before any boogie-monsters come after us." He steered Willow out the door they said their good-byes.
Buffy dressed appropriately, grabbed her stake, and headed into the night. She made her way to one of the deathly silent graveyards in Sunnydale, a perfect place for evil to pop up. She cautiously walked along as her eyes darted back and forth, her body poised and ready. Two vampires jumped out from behind some foiliage, something Buffy wasn't expecting. She assumed they would be vampire enough to come at her from behind or head-on. Before she could raise her stake or taunt as she always did, she was struck across the face. Thrown off balance, she only gripped her stake tighter as she silently cursed, doing a sweeping kick which brought down the agressive vampire. She backhanded the second vampire in the face, then mercilessly kicked it to give her some breathing room.It retaliated by swinging a fist at her own face.
Buffy was successful at handling the two, with a long auspicious array of punches, kicks, and staking. Just when she predicted more vampires, as if her thought were right on cue, another three came her way. There seemed to be an endless number of them. Every time she drove her stake into one of them, more seemed to pop up. She got thrown onto her back and pinned, her stake lying a few feet away from her. Things were not looking good. Struggling to get one of the vampires off of her, she panicked as its fangs appeared, ready to go in for the kill.
"I never realized what an honor it is being the first to taste the Slayer," the vampire growled, its face inches within her own. A sudden vicious kick caught the vampire in the jaw, throwing him off and freeing Buffy. She didn't waste any time wondering who her savior was as she retrieved her stake and continued fighting.
She heard the sounds of successful hits as the groans of pain from vampires met her ears. She was so focused on fighting that she blocked out the other person's appearance, only taking in where her ally was stepping and dodging, so she wouldn't accidently stake him or her. As soon as the last vampire was dusted and quiet decended the graveyard, she took in a breath as she turned to the person and stopped when she recognized who it was.
"Angel," Buffy breathed, her surprise dissipating. Of course it had to be Angel. Who else in their right mind would choose to be out at night when it was the only time blood-sucking creatures and other nasties that bumped-in-the-night made themselves welcome? "Thanks. For a second there, I thought I was going to be vampire food."
"You all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." She put away her stake and gingerly touched the side of her face, flinching when she felt a sore spot. "Those vamps were harder to beat than the last time I was head-to-head with them. Must be on the killing mission more than ever. Or maybe I'm losing my touch."
"Are you sure you're okay? " Angel raised a hand to her face, but she impulsively stepped back. She was still edgy about his abrupt intense outbursts, whether it was a verbal response or a physical action.
"It's nothing I can't solve with a pack of ice, if it turns that bad." Buffy attempted to reassure him with a weak smile. Angel slowly lowered his hand. Buffy couldn't tell if the look in his eyes revealed hurt, but she brushed it off, thinking her assertiveness wasn't a crime.
"I'll walk you home?"
Buffy shook her head, indicating that she was heading to the library. "But I've got an idea." She suddenly felt her heartbeat go up a notch, consciously aware she was only making a request, and it wasn't ultimately life-threatening.
"What's that?"
Taking a deep breath, Buffy said, "Why don't you come with me? Then you can see the others. Finally tell them about yourself."
Angel's facial expression changed to uneasiness. "Why? What do mean?"
Buffy knew he was trying to tip-toe around the subject and she wasn't about to let him off the hook. "You know what I'm talking about."
The attempted puzzlement on Angel's face turned into sadness as his gaze fell. "I can't."
Buffy flared, her voice hard with anger. "I hate it! I can't take it not being able to talk about you to the others. To me, it's like you're some sacred god who can't be spoken about. To everyone else, it's just a subject matter. I'll bet anything they wonder how in the world I can manage so well 'without you'. I can't keep it inside me any longer-"
"Not now. I-I can't do it now. Not when it's been so soon. I still remember it all, how much I hurt everyone. A-and Giles....I don't- "
"All right, so you feel bad. How long do you expect me to keep you hidden? A few more months? A year? Forever? They're going to find out sooner or later. They're not idiots. " Buffy clutched his sleeve in frustration, and she felt like shoving him and hitting him, over and over over, but that wouldn't get any answers. "Please Angel, I feel so bad not being able to tell the others. They think you're dead. And I'm getting vibes that they're getting suspicious." She roughly let go of his sleeve and eyed him warily. "And it'll be hell if they find out the hard way about you. I'll make it." A sudden burst of resentment welled up inside her and before she could control it, she blurted angrily, "God, do know how hard it is, day after day? To be around my friends and act all normal and happy when I'm really not-"
"I know it's hard!" Angel cut her off, a tiny flare of anger in his tone. Instantly, his voice grew softer. "I need more time. Don't ask me how much," he added, cutting off any protest, "You have to hang on a little more."
"You're going to kill me!" A gust of wind blew by them, sending a chill through Buffy. Her words laced with malice, she spat out, "One day I'm- I'm going to tell them all about you. And I'm not going to care if you're there with me to witness it. I'll take their words and beatings for you, but at least I'll have a clear conscience. Or maybe I should stake you myself so I don't need to worry." For effect, -and possibly temporary insanity- Buffy pulled out her stake and leveled it at his chest, lightly pressing the tip of it against his shirt, right at his heart.
Angel didn't move. He simply glanced down at the stake and back to her face, no sign of fear in his eyes, no emotion that revealed any panic. Just a calm, accepting look. "Are you going to do it?"
His voice was so absolutely neutral, Buffy stared at him incredously, not knowing how to respond. Then she quickly realized why. She slowly lowered the stake and put it away, feeling foolish, her attempt at intimidating him shot down. If she had wanted him killed, she would have done it much earlier.
Angel spoke, his voice still quiet. "I know you're strong. And I know how much this is hurting you. It hurts me too."
Buffy didn't answer.
He caught the look of otherwise that flashed on Buffy's face and he added with a shake of his head, "Believe what you want. But.if you can't.don't want tohold on.you don't have to. All I want is time. I'm not asking for anything else."
Buffy had to turn away from his line of vision as an unexpected film of tears formed in her eyes. She couldn't remember a time Angel had wanted something so desperately from her. The pain in his eyes seemed sincere enough, but she thought he was acting a little irrationally, too dramatically. She depised how easily he had sucked her in with without much of a choice with his words. It was either feel the pricking guilt of her consciousness if she kept to herself, or the insane tide of panic if she clued the others in.
She didn't turn around, and her tone accompanied her coldness. "I'm going to the library. You coming or leaving? Or do you need some time to think about that?" Buffy couldn't keep the sarcasm out of her tone.
Hurt was evident as Angel carefully answered. "I'll leave."
"I'll see you." Buffy's answer was crisp as walked away without a glance back, leaving Angel to stare after her.
In the library, Buffy abruptly slipped into a mood of remoteness as she told her friends and Giles concise details of her patrol, all while trying to hurry up the meeting.
"Are you all right, Buffy?" Giles questioned after awhile when he noticed her somber state.
"Very tired." Buffy's answer was terse. She wasn't flat-out lying. She was tired. Only her fatigue wasn't primarily physical.
"Did you find anything else that would give a clue as to what these vampires are after?" Giles asked.
Buffy pretended to think about it before derisively answering, "Gee, Giles, maybe they're after the glory of being the first to kill me? You know, to get the trophy for 'Best Vampire?'"
"Buffy..."
She sat back and sighed apologetically at her caustic answer. "Sorry. I told you, I'm tired. It establishes that I'm cranky and not in the best of moods." She leaned her head against the back of the chair, staring up at the aging ceiling of the library.
"Then this'll be a short meeting, as I'm sure the rest of you aren't in the mood for discussion." Giles had leaned close to a snoozing Xander's ear, clearly emphasizing the word. Xander shot up, almost butting heads with the Watcher.
"Gee, is it morning already?" Xander asked in a perky voice, a smile brightening his face. Upon seeing the bored looks on everyone's faces plus the recognition of where he was, he let out a moan, his expression falling. "Guess not."
"See, there you go, Giles," Buffy gestured at Xander's sleepiness as she lifted her head up. "He's tired, and so am I. I've already told you what happened and alll the itty-bitty details I could remember and there's nothing really left to discuss."
"Me too! I'm feeling a need for a nap." Willow agreed, stretching out her arms in a yawning gesture.
"Me three. The sleep bug's getting to me." Oz added.
A silence passed as the teenagers stared at Cordelia expectantly. Cordelia finally got the clue. "Oh yeah, me too." Cordelia nodded emphatically. "I'm just so tired. I mean, I need my beauty rest in order to think properly."
Buffy smiled, satisfied. "See? Everyone's all cranky and sleepy like me, so would you please let us go?" Acting like a little kid made her feel better, although she couldn't figure why.
Giles sighed at the teenagers' attempts at weaseling out of the meeting and he gave a small smile. "Well, I've got to admit, I'm also very tired and a good night's sleep would do me well," HIs' eyebrows drew together, "although I probably should rephrase that since I'm on the Hellmouth."
"That means we can go?" Xander asked in an exaggerated happy voice of a child, clasping his hands together.
"Yes. You all may go. But rest assured, we'll have a regular meeting tomorrow night."
"Yay!" Xander continued his child charade by clapping his hands, evoking laughs.
As the group of friends made their way out of the library, Giles' voice called Buffy back. Buffy inwardly groaned, knowing exactly what he wanted. "I'll catch you guys later," she told her friends with a departing wave. Giles sat on the edge of the research table, patiently waiting for his Slayer.
"Yes?"
It took a moment before he said anything. He examined her face closely like a bird peering curiously at a worm. It instantly made Buffy skittish. When he spoke, his face was sympathetic, his voice genuinely concerned. "Buffy, you've been acting a little strange lately. A little distracted. Is there anything that's bothering you that you need to talk about?"
Angel obviously came into mind, but Buffy didn't voice it. "Nope. Nothing's wrong."
"Are you sure?" Giles put a hand on her shoulder. "If you need to talk, you know I'm here for you."
Buffy politely shook it off, immediately regretting doing so. t was an action that revealed the irritation she wasn't admitting. She found it difficult to meet his eyes. "Yes, I'm fine. I've...just been really busy. The slaying, the tons of homework I'm suddenly getting, my friends. I-I mean, I haven't been spending that much time with the gang, and....well, I feel kind of bad. "
Giles gaze was dubious, though not believing her words.
"I do!" Buffy protested half-emphatically, hoping she sounded convincing enough for her Watcher to approve and let her go. "You just don't know it. But now that I've told you, the news is out and now you know."
"Is it Angel?" Giles asked the question as though she hadn't said anything.
The cheerful demeanor on Buffy's face dropped. "Angel." she said evenly, wondering if Giles was capable of mind reading. For the second time of the day. Her heart beat faster, a tide of nervousness beginning to rise, but she forced it down.
"Yes. Is it still bothering you?"
"What is?" Buffy acted oblivous.
"You...having to kill him." Giles's face grew even more sympathetic as his eyes softened through his glasses. Buffy could feel herself on the brink of spilling and valiently resisted. How much she wanted to say what was on her mind! The thing that was such a burden for the past few weeks, let out in one breath. She wasn't even sure if saying it aloud would cause more pain than what it was worth.
"Well..." She scrambled to think of something to say which would pacify him other than the honest truth. After a quick moment of thought, she could answer honestly, "Yeah. It- It's hard. It'll...always be hard." As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Buffy listened, really heard them, and realized it was true. Her life would always be hard. Especially secretly dealing with Angel for the past few weeks, with her flares of exasperation and mixed emotions, whether she loved him the same before his misfortunate change. Of course, Giles didn't know any of that. Neither did Willow, who Buffy wished she could confide to about the reeling emotions bottled up inside.
Buffy shifted awkwardly from foot-to-foot. "Well, if that's it, I'm going. I'm suppose to meet Willow. She's..waiting for me." She held up a hand, indicating her need to leave. She had to get away from his presumptuous look before she broke like an egg shell and confessed about Angel.
A long and questionable stare followed and Buffy wondered if her heart was audible enough for him to hear. She wasn't sure if she was going to choke from her pumping heat or pass out completely from hyperventilation. Giles didn't comment, but relented with a nod, watching her with a closer interest, astutely picking up her onset of discomfort.
"Thanks." Buffy quickly turned and left, sensing his eyes still trained on her. She felt she was about to burst out in a fit of rage, or was it pitiful weeping? Each step she took was self-consciously done until she had passed completely through the swinging doors of the library, where the binds of the Watcher's gaze broke with their closing. Then she was no longer uncomfortable. She ran through the halls, wanting to run forever and forget everything for even a wishful minute.
God, Angel, how long are you playing this game for? When is it going to stop?
When she arrived home, she quickly settled on skipping her unfinished homework altogether and going straight to bed. As she lay under the covers and drifted off to sleep, she wondered whether she would ever obtain a sense of peace. If perhaps one day she would be able to lie beside Angel in times that could only imagine in her dreams.
*****
At the mansion, Angel paced back and forth impatiently, like a wild animal in the darkness, anxious for a kill. Anxious like waiting for a taste of fresh blood to pass his lips. A nervous, nagging uneasiness that couldn't be satisfied any other way than finding the right solution.
A small fire was lit in the fireplace, but the intenseness of the brooding that invaded his mind shut out its warmth. An icy chill from his dark reflections infused itself into his flesh, seeping down to his bones. He wanted so badly not to hurt Buffy, but at the same time, wanted just as much for himself to melt away undiscovered to her friends.
Angel's brain could not help but probe and envisage how his presence would be taken. Shocked and furious. Instinctively stake-welding and cross-bearing as soon as the recognition sunk into their heads, the entire truth dawning on them like twilight blotting out the light of the sun. Once they hooked on to the fact he was once again alive, very real, and potentially very dangerous, chaos would ensue. Angel shuddered at his grim insight.
Out of all them, Giles was the worst. Recalling the brutal actions of agony from his evil self, Angel winced as he knew not only did he torment Giles for hours on end, but he also killed Jenny Calender, Giles' first true love. If Giles had the chance, Angel sullenly presumed, he would gladly plunge a stake through his heart for all the misery he had inflicted.
But it wasn't me. It wasn't really me, it was Angelus. All this pain, a lifetime....It wasn't me... Angel wrapped his arms around himself, hoping the mechanical gesture would be of some comfort. His thoughts were partly true. His civilian self would've never done such an act. Perhaps it might have, but he was souless at the time of his killings, so he knew for certain it was his evil side. His thoughts weren't exactly helping him calm down. It only drowned him more into the binding sea of despair about his past, the stinging truth of it gnawing at him. His heart felt the ache of emptiness, the heaviness of his guilt.
His pacing brought him to the front doors, where his gaze lifted upwards, and through the etched glass, it allowed him the sight of the full moon, shining bright and lonesome. Peacefulness flowed through him, watching the cool brightness of it. At least one thing in the world had endured the amount of solitude he had and would continue still. Then again, the moon had the shining stars as friends.
He felt the urge to yank open the door and allow the biting air to envelop his body, convince himself that it would help atone for his sins in some way, but he stayed frozen in place, his mind's way of telling his body he wasn't going anywhere. He was aware that the frigid wind from the outside world would only numb the outer shell of his physical body and it wouldn't be enough to stop his reckless train of thought. It wasn't enough to make amends. He would never be able to, no matter how much he tried.
He simply stood there, staring through the glass, letting age-old memories claw at him with their haunted ways, twisting bitter and painful in his mind and soul.