Chapter 3
Time passed quickly for Buffy and she didn't pay much thought with her plight with Angel. With school, slaying and social life, she didn't have much time to dwell on it. She was kept busy enough without the hassle of dealing with Angel. It was somewhat of a relief because she needed a break from him. Buffy figured he'd live without her for a few days. She was in the library during one of the nightly meetings about patrol and had glanced at the calendar hanging nearby and was surprised; two weeks had flown by since her last visit. She shrugged it off inwardly, reminding herself that she had more important things to think about than Angel.
Giles's subtle prodding hadn't stopped entirely, but it had kept a steady pace with each day. Buffy managed to squirm her way out of talking to him about any of her personal problems, making needless excuses ranging from "helping Xander with homework" to "having to head to the bathroom." And every time she eluded away from his questions and explicit looks, the pangs of penitence she felt each time grew heavier and heavier, like pennies being added in a jar. She knew she was going to die if she didn't say something soon.
As for Angel, she had gotten into a habit of avoiding the mansion, no matter how strong the urges to see him were. She didn't know how she managed to stay away, but she did. Giles made her train an intensive training program, sharpening her slaying skills and reflexes. Outwardly, she complained to her Watcher about the tedious and dull sessions and how she would rather be doing anything else, but secretly, she was glad for the distraction. Not only did it relieve her from some of the vast stress mounted on her from keeping Angel secret, it also gave her something to concentrate on. It focused her mind on the only one true purpose in life. Being a Slayer.
Though Buffy tried her best at the skills Giles requested her to demonstrate for evaluation, she still had the nagging feeling that he knew her mind was occupied by something. He just didn't know what. Buffy planned to keep it that way for a good long while.
At the end of a long week, Buffy was at Willow's house where she had immediately dropped onto the bed as soon as she had walked into her friend's room, heaving a huge sigh as she tried to take a break from the strain from the past week. "Man, I'm so tired, Will." Buffy complained, calling Willow by her nickname. "I want to sleep!"
Willow opened a bag of chips she had brought in, dumping them into a bowl and offered it to Buffy. "Why don't you take a nap?"
Grabbing a handful, Buffy munched on them. "I could, but I really feel like doing something else other than snoozing."
Willow frowned in confusion, "But you just said you wanted to sleep."
"I do, but I'd rather use my time doing other stuff."
"Oh."
Quiet descended the room, and Buffy didn't notice anything peculiar until Willow's nervous fiddling grew obvious enough to catch her attention. "All right, Will, what are you hiding?"
Willow's eyes widened as she was taken in by surprise. Self-consciously, she shook her head. "Oh, it's nothing."
"Come on, Will, you can tell me."
Willow didn't answer right away, but she finally blurted all at once, "So how are you feeling?"
Buffy gave her a strange look. "FineWhy do you ask?"
"Well, this whole thing with Angel and all.I mean, with him gone, I was just wondering. I-if you're doing good. I know how much he meant to you."
Touched by her friend's concern, Buffy answered with a growing pang of guilt, "I.didn't't knowHow long have you been wondering for?"
Willow looked down at her hands. "Just this past week or so. You just seemedkind of preoccupied with something. If it's Angel you want to talk about-"
"No!" Buffy interrupted, wide-eyed. "I'm fine. Really. This whole Angel thingit's fine, really. I'm over it. Or..I'm slowly getting over it, I mean." She stammered, a jolt shooting through her as she remembered Angel's plea, then a sudden rush of anger because of it.
"Are you sure?" Willow's concerned green eyes gazed into Buffy's own blue. "You're acting kind of funny."
"Really?" Buffy rolled off the bed and began pacing the room, picking up various objects, pretending to inspect them.
Willow motioned a hand to her. "Like now. You're doing that walking thing. And you're looking at my stuff like you've never seen them before."
"Is it a bad thing to have some extra energy?" Wringing her hands, Buffy let out a lame laugh which sounded too high in her ears.
"I thought you just said you didn't have any," Willow's raised eyebrow confirmed her observation.
"Oh yeah, I did, didn't I?" Buffy wasn't sure if now would be a good time to wish for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. It'd be a lot simpler than explaining her dilemma to her best friend. At the foot of Willow's bed, she snatched a stuffed bunny off the covers and tried to look nonchalant as she batted its big ears.
"Are you sure nothing's wrong?" Willow questioned once more.
"Yes, I'm positive. It's just...balancing everything. That's my main problem right now. What's more important, slaying or brooding over a dead boyfriend?" Buffy's voice had unconsciously risen a notch as she felt a stab of annoyance at the hidden truth behind her comment, immediately followed by more guilt. Damn, this penance was going to be the death of her. Angel didn't deserve a verbal beating, even though he wasn't bodily in the room. She knew her friend was only worrying.
She wished like hell that she could say something about how tormented she felt with her secret. How lonely it was not being able to tell her best friend how her lover had suddenly come back from Hell and how scared she was about explaining to Giles her situation.
Buffy dropped onto the comforter again, putting down Willow's stuffed rabbit. "Look, let's talk about something else. I don't want to bog you down. I wanted to come here to relax a bit, not to be handed more guilt for being quiet about my problems." At least what she said had truth in it. Just that Willow didn't know the other half of the puzzle.
Hesitatingly shrugging, the red-haired teen eventually complied with a nod. "So what do you want to talk about?"
Buffy relaxed. A mischievous smile crossed her face. "How bout you and Oz?"
*****
Angel was dreaming of bliss. It was nearing sunrise, and he was walking on a dirt path through a thick area of damp forest, thousands of hues of green surrounding him. He never thought how many shades there actually were. Buffy was walking alongside him, her hand in his, smiling her happiness, but not uttering a word. He was feeling joyous too. His time had finally come to see the rays of sunlight with the one person who he truly cared for. And he was not afraid.
Angel looked around, then upwards, his mouth slowly opening in awe as the stars in the black midnight sky disappeared, leaving a brightening sky through the leaves of the trees which seemed to reach up and touch the clouds. He wasn't sure how he managed see past the millions of leaves at the top, but he dismissed it, his mind merely grasped the question in its palm, letting it go in the next beat. So transfixed by the sight of the illuminating show, he kept his eyes upward, the slow onset of the sun's bright rays transforming the sky a cotton-candy pink with each step.
A small clearing lay ahead and a childish excitement bubbled inside Angel. He knew that he would see the morning sky clearer when the trees thinned out just a few feet ahead. Anticipation with knowing he could finally see the sun with the person most significant to him.
He smiled at Buffy as he stepped into the clearing and once again turned his eyes upward. Sunrise didn't show itself. Angel swore the sky was remaining as night, not brilliant day like he expected. But it's sunrise. Where's the sun? Isn't it coming? Puzzled, a growing dread spreading through his body, he looked over at Buffy for an answer and almost fell over when he didn't see her. What had happened? Did he let go of her hand because he was so entranced by the coming of dawn? Or did she simply disappear like smoke?
Turning in all directions, his eyes searched, silently pleading for her presence. He called her name desperately, but she didn't appear nor answer. He was so close, seeing the approaching sun, but it wasn't worth it if Buffy wasn't with him, to see his joy. But the sun wasn't showing and he didn't know why and he wasn't exhilarated anymore and the questions whirled in his brain and he wasn't sure if he were about to scream.
Was it because of her? Was it her bodily presence that allowed the light of day to appear? And now that she's gone, the sun is too? Am I mad at her because she stole away my opportunity? Angel was going crazy. That couldn't be the reason. But he had no other explanation.
Am I blaming Buffy because the sun won't shine? That can't be right! Even as Angel protested against himself, a rising ache of anger grew. It was her fault he couldn't see the sun rise and his fault for letting her go and where was she? The panic that had already risen peaked to a new level as he wildly searched for her. Now he could've cared less about seeing daylight. He needed to find Buffy and needed to get answers.
And he called out her name over and over, like an inscrutable omen, but she still did not appear.
Angel's eyes shot open, his hands clutching the blanket covering him. Confusion flowed through him. Was the dream a sign? Was something going to happen to Buffy? He sat up, burying his face into his hands. At that moment, he wished Buffy were there beside him, comforting and listening. But the sun was still up and she was in her normal life. He would need to sort it out later.
"Hello there, Angelus."
Angel's head jerked to the side as his entire body tensed, catching sight of a young woman with long chestnut colored hair and green eyes, standing a few feet away, wearing a simple blue dress that ended just above her knees.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?" He threw back the blankets and rolled off the bed, away from the girl, his body automatically prepped in a battle stance. HIs body still was sluggish from the lingering effects of sleep.
"I'm not here to hurt you, Angelus. I'm just here to make you quite an enticing offer." She started to near him, and he instinctively backed away. "Stop running, Angelus. I told you, I'm not here for any battle, so relax." She stopped just in front of him.
Eyeing her warily, Angel figured she knew the story of his past history and didn't bother explaining it as he said with intense conviction, "I'm not Angelus anymore. My name's Angel."
The girl cocked an eyebrow. "Angel, huh? As long as we're on the subjects of names, mine is Celeste. I'm a witch, and I'm not talking about annoying people. And you are a vampire. With a soul, hum?" She stated it as if it weren't obvious.
Angel was definitely not in the mood to play games. And now he was wide awake. "What do you want?" His tone wasn't kind.
Celeste scoffed, pretending to be hurt. "If you're going to be mean, maybe I shouldn't bother telling you my little secret. It's a good one, I'll assure you."
The look Angel was glaring at her was on the borderline between the mortal part of himself wanting to physically rip her apart or his vampire self yearning to completely drain her of her blood.
"Hmm." Celeste ignored his contemptuous steely gaze and walked around him, pacing. "What would you do if you were human?"
The question made anger and a slow, cold foreboding seize him as his eyes followed her, his guard still up. "I don't know."
Celeste turned around. "I have a spell that can replace all that vampire inside you into, oh say, human?"
Angel felt as though a two ton freight train hit him. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. The foreboding turned into a tingle of hope. Was it, really?
Celeste's lips twisted into a cat-like smile. "You could give up your crummy life as a vampire and walk on the other side to humanity."
"How can there be a spell to change demons and vampires into humans? It's impossible!" Angel was still trying to grip the newly stated concept.
"Magic changes. New spells are formed all the time. This spell is simple, really. But I don't want to bore you with the details." Celeste eyed him suggestively. "Interested?"
Angel couldn't stand how she was leering at him. His eyes narrowed slightly.
"Come on, Angel, I know you are. I could feel it when I said the words." Celeste stood before him and ran a slow hand down the side of his face.
He jerked away as though her touch would burn him to death. He couldn't believe he didn't rip her apart earlier. But the thought of humanity postponed his violent actions and got his thought process going like a running car engine, blotting out his disdain momentarily. "This spell is permanent?"
Celeste pouted at his
The whirling impact of the information was still being infused into Angel's cerebellum, and he had to confirm it to convince himself he still wasn't dreaming. "Are you lying? Is this some kind of joke?"
"Not at all, my Angel."
Angel gritted his teeth. Here this girl was, going on and on about transforming him into a human and suddenly calling him her own. He didn't belong to anyone else but Buffy. "I'm not yours." He didn't think he could phrase his words any clearer.
"Oh, that's the other part of this "humanitarian" deal."
"What do you mean?"
"If you do decide to be a human, I have to. See, this spell only works on twosomes who are cursed with humanitarian qualities."
Angel felt even more lightheaded. "You're cursed with humanity?"
Celeste nodded sadly, like a disobedient dog, and Angel wondered if she was going to throw in a whimper for effect.
"I am. I really have a desire to be a real human. Then I can feel and do things without the hassle of being a witch. Someone's always after you if you're someone special. And it's the same for you. You can be human without the vampire disguise. Don't need to worry about torching yourself because of sunlight." She paused, giving him a cocky smile. "Sounds strange, I know, me wanting to give up my spell casting days and agony-inflicting nights, but that's how badly I want to become a human. I'm tired to being hunted."
"I don't understand. So what does that have to do about this 'us' bit?"
"I'm yours until the day I die. When I'm human, of course. And vice versa. " Celeste beamed a loving grin at him as the sickening sensation in Angel's stomach grew so large, he wasn't sure if he was going to pass out or vomit. "What...what if I don't want you to be mine?" The words were impatient and pained him to say. He was loyal to Buffy and he wasn't about to change anytime soon.
"Then the curse won't work." Celeste's answer was blunt. "Besides, once two individuals like us turn human for the first time, we're like small children being able to swim for the first time without the help of someone holding on. It's our first time. We'll be scared and we'll need comfort; I'll know we can help ourselves through those tough moments together."
Angel found her speech excessively melodramatic and tried not to moan aloud his opinion, let alone throw something at her. "So basically, if I take your offer, you stay with me?"
"Wouldn't it be wonderful?" Celeste edged even closer, and he involuntarily backed up, only to have his heel meet the side of his bed. Wild thoughts flashed through his mind, and all of them concluded badly. He attempted to pry himself away from her clutches and not to tip backward onto the bed at the same time, but she was so close, so aggressive, he couldn't go anywhere else but the bed. This was definitely not good.
*****
Buffy sighed with resignation. She had to see Angel. It had been too long and she knew well that he understood why her visits had become more infrequent during the past couple weeks. As much as she hated to admit, she missed Angel, despite the brooding cloud of thoughts he often had in store when she saw him. She had stayed at Willow's place for another hour before the pangs of guilt gave way to an insistent, annoying push that forced her to head to the mansion.
It was still bright outside when Buffy headed to Angel's. She assumed he would still be asleep, but with Angel, when had her assumptions been actually right? She knew it was earlier than usual for her impromptu visit, but she couldn't stave off her desire any longer. Even if he weren't awake, she could merely watch him sleep. It would be comfort enough. Somehow, it always managed to comfort. Maybe it was the fact she could watch him, unnoticed, his innocence exposed, by the tranquility on his face. It was the one time Buffy could say that his guard was let down. Or perhaps it was an illusion. Perhaps inside, there was an internal clock that kept up his guard while he physically relaxed, only sounding its chime when danger neared.
Inside the main hall of the mansion, Buffy looked at the surroundings, taking in the spaciousness and airy breeze that always greeted her whenever she entered. She heard some faint noises and she held her breath, trying to distinguish where the source was. Locating it to Angel's bedroom, she headed its direction, surprised at his wakefulness. At the doorway, she froze dead in her tracks.
She felt the deep stab of hurt pierce her stomach so hard, she wasn't sure if she would pass out or inflict some serious damage. A girl, appearing about Buffy's age, and quite the belligerent type, was slowly advancing toward Angel. He was about to tip back onto the bed, and it didn't need any stating that what the girl was trying would be something that would cost him dearly. His face was evident of his discomfort, but Buffy couldn't help but secretly wonder if he had the tiniest inkling of enjoyment, even though his face wasn't showing it. He was quite the expert when it came to hiding his true feelings.
And it'll cost her even more once I get my hands around her scrawny neck! Buffy's savage mind couldn't help but jump to conclusions as her eyes took in the scene. The girl was attempting to unbutton his shirt, but Angel was firm, clamping on to her wrists so she couldn't. She didn't seem to mind his action, for she reacted instead by leaning in for a kiss.
Buffy wasn't even sure how low her jaw could fall open, but if it wasn't reaching its limit, it was doing it now. Her brain was sending frantic signals to her mouth, trying to make her form words and speak them, but regretfully, all that came out was a small squeak. She wasn't sure if it was the sound or her physical presence, but Angel caught sight of her. Buffy yanked her eyes away from the heart-wrenching scene and spun on her heels, running back for the entrance. She's had enough. She had to get out. Had to make a feasible plan and hurt inside and kill, kill, kill. Ending whose life, -perhaps both of them if she got angry enough- she hadn't made the decision. Buffy heard the faint call of her name, begging her to stop, maybe also begging for instant forgiveness, but she was far past comprehending to make out what Angel was saying.
The sound of her running feet gave her an idea. Not as drastic as death, but more excrutiatingly painful. Her whim would linger for however long she wanted, a vile poision that would slowly draw out the life of a being. Wanting Angel to feel a fraction of the pain that was churning inside her, she stopped at the entrance and slowly pulled open one of the double glass doors and calmly faced him, stepping backwards outside into the warm sunlight, letting it wash over her.
Angel halted to a stop at the open door, just inches before entering into the scorching rays of sun. He flinched hard against the burning sunlight. Buffy knew that moment he recognized what she was planning as his eyes widened in shock and desperation, his hands knotting into fists.
Buffy's tone was absolutely impassive, her face an etch in stone. "I stopped. I did what you wanted me to."
"Please." Angel's face showed pure anguish, his voice imploring and shaking. "Don't do this to me. You know I can't."
"That's too bad." Buffy twirled around in a circle, her arms outstretched as she hugged the sunbeams. "I like the sun. It's nice, it's really bright." She stopped and stared at him coldly. "And it'd light you on fire as soon as you step out here. It's too bad you're not human, Angel. Then you might of had a chance to stop me."
Her remark seemed to strike a nerve, as the plea for her understanding pooled in Angel's dark eyes more intensely. The tension in his body grew taut as he took a labored step closer, shrinking against the other door, his body trembling in pain. "I know what it seems like. I can explain it, just- Please come inside. I can't- It hurts-"
"Good." Tears streamed down Buffy's face and her voice continued to be dauntless. "You feel how much it hurts. Because you'll be feeling it for a long time!"
"Please don't leave. I can explain it all!" Angel's face was so tormented with harsh emotions, Buffy could almost swear tears were springing into his eyes, but just presumed it as a trick of light.
"With what? Some lame excuse? Is she some long lost lover of your distant past? No wait, was Drucilla, what am I saying?" Buffy choked out sarcastically, referring to a love of Angel's mortal life before he became a vampire.
"That's not it at all-"
"Forget it. I don't want to hear it anymore." The last of Buffy's resolve finally crumbled as she broke down, stifling a sob as she turned and ran.
"Buffy!" Angel gripped the door, completely powerless to do anything else but watch after her disappearing figure, a deep sense of regret, immediately taken over by a raging hostility. As soon as she was gone, he slammed the door behind him with such a hurl, that he almost shattered the glass, tearing back to where Celeste stood watching. He didn't even give her time to open her mouth. "What do you think you're doing? What were you trying to do?"
Celeste ignored his questions. "That's the price to pay for not being human, huh?"
Angel deflated, letting his shoulders drop in dismay as he turned away from her, his anger dying out like a burnt candle. Celeste was right. If he had been human, he would've been able to chase after Buffy, talk to her. But he was a vampire, and the truth of that fact was one of the invisible barricades between bliss and oblivion. And even if he could have chased after Buffy, just an arm's length away, Celeste would be tagging behind him just like a puppy. His stomach lurched at the thought. Was was he going to do?