By the time she got home, she managed to set off her mother, who let out a stream of irate words which Buffy responded by locking herself in her room. As soon as she shut the door, a strangled scream came out, the remorse of the incident with her mother, Angel, her entire life, flowing through her veins as she restrained from breaking something.
Buffy collapsed onto her bed and fell asleep, only to be roused what felt like minutes later by a light tapping. She didn't distinguish it at first, but as the sound grew repetitious, she convinced herself it wasn't part of some dream she was having and she slowly opened her eyes in a fog of confusion, wondering where the rapping was coming from. She sat up, her bleary eyes roaming around the room until they settled out the window. A pulse of anger rushed through her when she spotted Angel.
Crossing the room, she unlatched the window and inched it open, enough to hear him speak, but not to allow him entry. "What are you doing here?" As soon as the words were out of Buffy's mouth, she felt foolish for asking. Of course she knew the reason why.
"I need to talk to you about earlier." Angel's eyes held the look of understanding from before, even through the few hours that passed. "Please."
Buffy was resolute to let him suffer, but the curious, patient side of her heart got the best and she grudgingly pushed the window open fully. Sometimes, she really hated the negotiable side of her persona.
"I want to apologize from before-" Angel started to say as he climbed in, but she cut him off.
"I don't care about an apology right now. All I want is an explanation." Buffy's eyes were molten steel and she noticed the visible apprehension in Angel's body language at her determined attitude. "So talk."
Angel's rigid shoulders lifted, then dropped as he collected himself. "How much did you see?"
"How much do you think?" Buffy was not backing down. Her arms crossed as she waited.
"That girl you saw me with....I know what you're thinking and it's nothing like that. It-" Angel shut his eyes in pain as he tried again. "I don't know who she is. I was sleeping and when I woke, she was there." He began to pace as he spoke. "I don't know how she got in the mansion, but she said she was a witch. She told me she didn't want to fight and all she had was an offer."
"An offer." Buffy's voice was precarious, if not partly suspicious. "What kind of offer?"
"Let me finish."
She complied, her animosity declining as she sat on her bed, watching him with a vigilance that mingled with curiousity.
"So she told me her offer, and I asked some questions. Next thing I know, she's suddenly all so friendly and that's when you saw me." Angel looked over at her for...forgiveness? Clarification?
Buffy nodded at the latter. "So what was this fantastic offer?"
Angel's eye contact flitted from her own as he turned away from her, his hands twisting nervously.
"Angel? What is it?"
"I'm not sure if you want to hear it."
Her eagerness was mixed with trepidation, a deadly mixture. She felt as though she were about to explode. "I do. Just tell me."
A long silence was Angel's response before he verbally said anything. Facing her, he asked quietly, "Would you love me any different if I were human?"
The words didn't sink in right away. Buffy could simply not comprehend what he just said. "Human? She- She made you an offer to be human?" She rose from the bed and stood in front of him, staring intensely in his dark eyes for the truth, still trying to absorb the notion fully. "Is that it?"
"Would you?"
Buffy couldn't reply to his loaded question. "I really don't know."
Intent on finishing his story, Angel let the subject go and continued. "But there's something else."
As Buffy looked at him expectantly, he closed his eyes as if summoning courage. It was this additional gesture that struck her brain, expecting to hear bad news. And it came.
"I have...to be with her if I turn human. I...I don't think I have a choice if I do take the offer."
Buffy didn't think she could handle any more. First the news of him becoming possibly human and now the conceivable image of him being tied down to some other girl if he changed? "Well...I don't know what to say." she finally managed to reply once she found her voice.
"I don't want to be with her. I want to be with you. It's what I've wanted for such a long time. To become human and be with you." Angel closed in the gap between them and crushed her fiercely against his body. "I- I don't know what to do." His voice turned strangely desperate.
Buffy wanted to pull away, to continue being acrimonious toward him, but she couldn't do neither. She was still in utter shock, and it prevented her from lashing. "I'm glad you told me." Her words came out whispered.
"Do you still hate me?" Angel pulled away and peered down earnestly into her eyes. His left hand trembled as he tucked some loose hair behind her ear.
He's so scared...so lost...why do I take it in so easily?Buffy just stared into his eyes, deeper and deeper, into the pure dark depths. Farther and farther, enough to touch his soul, enough to fall- Her knees gave a small unexpected buckle and she felt Angel's arm, relaxed around her waist, automatically tighten. She regained her composure, assuring him she was fine, but he guided her to the bed, despite her words. She sat down beside it, leaning against the mattress. Angel followed suit, fixing her with an attentive look.
"I don't hate you." Buffy could answer honestly. "I got...carried away, I guess."
"It's all right. You didn't know."
She shrugged.
"Do....you forgive me?"
Buffy pretended to examine her nails, remaining straight-faced. She really didn't want to stay mad at him. She had enough hassle in her life. "Maybe I won't. I might need to think about it. You know, mull it over for a few years. I can give you answer then."
"Buffy!" Angel's face still registered his anxiety, even as a small smile passed his lips.
"Yes." Buffy met his eyes. The patient side of her had now completely took over. "I forgive you. I really wanted to grovel about it. But a part of me won't let me. "
His strained expression lowered as he smiled, relieved to of pass one of the hurdles. Again, stillness filled the room as neither one of them spoke.
"You being human...." Buffy broke the silence, resolved to know his decision. "What are you deciding?"
"I don't know." Angel's voice was subdued, a trace of hopelessness in his response. "I wish..." He paused, the dim brooding in his eyes quickly brightening into shining optimism. "Would...you be able to help me research for the spell?"
"Me?" The hope in his voice was painful. Buffy went back to staring at her nails. She wasn't very fond of the idea. "I can't do it all myself."
The silence that followed emphasized Buffy's subtle, but distinct point. Angel's expression fell, regret seeping its way into his broad features. "Then you'd need help from Giles."
"Yeah." Buffy pinned him with a meaningful stare. "And you know how thorough he is when researching for something big. Needs to know all the details, anything he can fix his mind on." Buffy's own mind was still on the aspect of how her life would be if Angel were human. She wasn't ecstatic about the possibility, but she wasn't sulking about it, either. She wished her heart would rule in one direction and stay on the trail. It would be so much more simpler to decide her next course of action, helping or not.
Lying beside him...unable to do in a world other than my own... Buffy's thought from nights before drifted back into her mind. Did he have that in mind when he was offered the chance at humanity? It couldn't be. Humanity over vampire because of her? Waves of guilt churned through Buffy. She didn't want him to change because of her.
Angel saw her hesitation and he took her hand and gently squeezed it. "What is it?"
Buffy shut her eyes. "What's your dream, Angel? What do you want from this?"
He paused, but only momentarily. "I want to be with you."
She was right. "Change it."
"What?"
Opening her eyes, she stared down at the carpet sadly. "Don't make me the reason."
"For being human?" Angel slowly said.
"Yes."
"So you don't care for the idea."
Pressing the palm of his hand against her chest, Buffy let him feel her pulsing heart. It was beating oddly and she half-hoped he could reveal her truth. Alliviate some of her guilt. "You tell me."
Angel tipped his head slightly in wonderment as his focused settled on her spread fingers which were on top of his. He appeared self-conscious after a short while, with Buffy's eyes glued expectantly on him, her attention on his awaited reply. There appeared to be something else, something more pointed and personal, but he didn't voice it. He hastily took his hand away, unnerved. "I don't know."
Buffy's mouth opened and shut. "I can't decide," she said finally, avoiding her actual reason. "I'd like it if you were human-"
"But you don't love it."
"No- It's just that...I love the way you are now, too. I mean, that's how I started caring about you. I didn't care then than you were a vampire." Trying to make sense of her thoughts, Buffy took in a breath. "Do you want to become a human? Truly?"
Longing filled wistfully in Angel's dark eyes, but there was also a tinge of uneasiness that mingled with it. A small, but dark fear that overruled any of his desire to become human. Something that seemed to frighten him enough to back down from the given opportunity. "I honestly don't know. I want to. I want it so badly, it hurts me to say a definite no. But I'm afraid, too. It's a tough choice."
"I know. I mean, I'd love to see you...in the sunlight...during day...but-"
"What?" he asked softly.
"A part of me wants to hold on to what we have now. My life would change a lot if you were mortal. You'd be different. I would be too. And...I don't know if we would still love each other if that happened." She held up to her hand to stop any protests. "I know. It's sounds weird. It sounds selfish. I know what you're going to say. 'No, I'll never stop loving you,' but it's not the amount of love that I mean. You probably don't understand it, but if you really want to become a human...." Buffy's gaze darted away from his own. "Then I can't hold you back."
"Oh Buffy." Angel enveloped her in his arms, and she could feel his rising bewilderment in his tightening body.
For some reason, Buffy wanted to just cry, but something inside held her firm, determined. She was also very scared. For something she wasn't sure she could handle, but she simply could not bear to crush a dream of her lover.
"What do you mean? Please tell me." Angel detached himself enough for Buffy to breathe. He must of guessed how tightly he was holding her, for he would of never released her if she continued to remain wordless.
"What do you mean?"
"About the "amount of love" part if I become human."
"Oh." Buffy eased herself out of his embrace. She didn't feel like explaining her speculation, but she knew full well that he wouldn't let up. Sighing, she said evasively, "It's just...if you become mortal, you can love anyone you want. Nothing's going to hold you back. You won't always have to come to me for help or for advice. You'd be human, therefore, you wouldn't have the secret that you're a vampire." She switched tracks, not allowing him any time to reply. It was her subtle way of indicating the topic was finished. "If you truly want to become a human, then you'll have to get over your fear of seeing Giles and the others because you're going to be the one telling them all about it."
That's when it came. The uneasy look in Angel's eyes. The twitch of his mouth, the unconscious small frown forming in his eyebrows. A very short internal war waged across his face, and he seemed to come to a final decision. "I'll do it."
"You'll what?" Buffy wasn't sure if she was disappointed.
"I said I'll do it."
"So you'll come with me after patrol tomorrow, then. That's the deal?"
Angel confirmed it with a nod. "Tomorrow. You can stop by the mansion after patrol."
"Angel-" She bit her lower lip as she cut herself off. She couldn't bear telling him the whole truth.
He looked at her, curious.
"You should go," she said instead. "Be sure of your decision, okay?"
Angel's gaze didn't waver. "I will."
Buffy still didn't know how she felt about the whole scenario, but she'd think it out later. She was on edge even more than what she usually was, so much more, that not only was she expressed concern from Giles, but practically the whole gang. And she kept repeating it over and over, she was stressed out from schoolwork and that she was tired from patrolling the night before and that she was going to be fine, fine, fine after a good night's sleep. Buffy only wished that was all she needed to relax. She knew the only thing that would lower her unusually high stress level was to get the whole Angel reintroduction over with.
After the day's patrol, Buffy went to go fetch Angel and wondered if he was as anxious about revealing himself as she was.
*****
Angel moaned in exasperation as he paced in front of the fireplace, waiting for Buffy's arrival. He was dreading it. He couldn't put off the inevitable any longer. Taking a break from his nervous habit, he stared into the dancing flames, hoping it would calm him. It didn't have the desired effect it usually had. They seemed to prance and taunt, their words of it's time Angel, it's come down to this, you won't make it glaring into his face.
I can't do this, Angel thought in a rush, burying his face in his hands. I don't understand why it has to be so hard. Maybe Buffy could just tell them. But that would be so unfair-
"Angel."
Startled, he spun around, the panic on his face slowly dissolving to relief when he caught sight of Buffy standing in the doorway. "Hi. I didn't hear you." Angel felt the need to explain the reason for his anxiety. Or was it a whimsically clever way for an excuse to float in to cover up the truth of how helpless he really felt?
Buffy seemed to have chosen the second as she enveloped him in a consoling hug when he reached her, quietly saying, "I feel nervous too, but it'll be fine."
Angel nodded, distracted. Having Buffy by my side, it'll be fine, he reassured himself as both of them headed to the library, where the others would be waiting, completely unsuspecting.
*****
Both of them worked out a small plan. Buffy would pass through the doors first, slowly let the others in on the bomb, and most likely, since they wouldn't expect him, she would gesture him in, fully detonating the bomb. And that would be truly the test whether Angel's earlier prediction would come alive. Buffy had lightly kissed him before stepping into the library, almost like a prepared goodbye in case anything actually happened.
Angel listened carefully to Buffy's words as she spoke.
"Hey, Buff, how's it going? The usual fun-fest with vampires tonight?" Xander's voice was muffled through the door.
"Yeah. Big fun. The stabbing and the dusting...nothing like it." Buffy's answer rang out loud and clear. And nerve-wracked.
"Are you all right, Buffy? You seem a bit...jittery tonight." Giles' inquiring voice sent a rage of remorse flooding through Angel's blood. He bit his lip.
"Not just tonight, but for the past couple weeks," Giles continued. "Is there anything you'd like to tell us?"
A pause. "Well, actually...I've got something to show you guys."
Another pause. This time longer. Willow broke it. "So...what's the thing? Not a big hairy demon, I hope."
"But if it's some extraordinarily cute puppy that just won't stop following you around, bring 'er in." Xander interjected.
"Um, nice guesses, but uh, not quite. It's neither. I mean, it's cute....to me-"
Angel smiled.
Buffy continued, "And um....well, forget the cute thing and let's say it's not a dog or a hairy demon, like I said before."
"And what is it? You're kind of leaving us hanging, here." Oz said.
"Oh God, don't tell us it's some zit or something. 'Cause if it is, I'm not interested!" Cordelia's ego-driven personality spoke aloud.
"No, totally not a zit. Not like I'd like to be flaunting something like that anyway." Buffy sounded a bit appalled. "But with what I have to show you, all of you have to promise not to go bezerk on me or the surprise until some explanations are done, okay?"
Silence. Angel assumed they were giving each other curious looks.
"Please do show, Buffy." Giles consented.
"You guys promise?" She was firm.
"Yes." Buffy's friends answered obediently.
Angel's palms were damp, his hands shaking. His temperature was incredibly warm.
"Okay, then." A short delay, most likely for her own mental preparation, then, directed at the door, Buffy called out, "Come on in."
Swallowing, Angel pushed open the door, even though everything in his mind screamed at him to run.
And he saw the faces shift. Everyone backing away. No words. It was like a scene taken straight from his vision. Only this time, it was reality.
Giles dove into his office.
"Giles, you promised!" Buffy cried out, leaping in front of Angel.
The librarian came out of the office, crossbow in hand. Upon seeing Buffy defending Ms. Calendar's killer, he slowly lowered the weapon.
"Gee, not a dog or a demon!" Xander loudly remarked, glaring at Angel. "So what is he, a fish?"
"Guys, he's on our side. You have to believe me!" Buffy pleaded.
Angel unsteadily stepped up behind Buffy at the same time her left hand moved back, most likely resisting the urge to grab him and bolt.
"She's right. She's not lying." Oz, in his own quiet manner, confirmed Buffy's statement.
"How can you be so gullible, Oz? You're talking about a psycho killer!" Cordelia snapped, fear already rising in her tone.
"Look at the way she's like. She's defending him, like she always had before he turned to the bad side." Oz indicated his observation with a quick jerk of his head.
"Yeah, and he could be acting!" Xander threw back.
"Oz is right! I wouldn't be defending Angel if he were still Angelus!" Buffy took in a deep breath. "I would be asking for your help to kill him right this exact moment if he were evil. But since I'm not, it goes to show he's back on our side."
Giles still had the crossbow in his hand, and both Angel and Buffy were eyeing it with a twitch. He finally set it down. He didn't look at Angel. "How long have you been back on Earth?"
Angel turned his gaze upward from the floor, to the Watcher. Guiltily, he answered, "A month. Maybe more."
"A month. And why didn't you tell us at the very beginning?" Giles directed his question to his Slayer.
Buffy's eyes were drawn. "I didn't know how you would react. With everything that happened. Ms. Calender, Willow- Everything."
"Why did you come back?" Willow asked. There was no malice in her tone, just a small inkling of caution.
Angel thought she was handling the situation well. Since she was Buffy's closest friend, she trusted Buffy enough when it came to her judgement. "I don't know."
"So you're absolutely sure Dead Boy is back on our side?" Xander said to Buffy, raising an eyebrow at the tall vampire.
As Buffy nodded, Angel shot Xander with a disdainful look that he was fairly accustomed to. Upon seeing Angel's contempt, Xander gave an affirming nod. "It's him. Dead Boy always loves my jokes."
Everyone ignored his comment. "So is that it? No more surprises?" Cordelia inquired slowly.
"Yes. Hopefully. That's it." Buffy relaxed. Then it rushed to her. The real reason why she made this night the night she showed him to the others. She pressed a hand against her forehead. "No wait, there is another thing." She sat on the research table and waved an arm toward Angel. "Take it away."
Angel cleared his throat nervously and told them about the offer of humanity, including the details about having to stay with Celeste if he wanted the humanity spell.
"Why are you telling us this?" Giles said.
"I don't want to be a human if I'm tied down to Celeste. She's forcing me to if I take up the offer. I was hoping some research could be done to find the spell. Any clues, anything about it."
The group was sileht upon hearing his request, but after a few begrudging looks and a whine from Xander, they eventually agreed to look up any information having to do with humanity spells. After everything was confirmed, Buffy announced, "Well, I'm gonna jet. Is that okay, Giles?"
"Are you going with Angel?" Giles' eyes still held a wariness that Buffy wouldn't of caught if she hadn't been watching him so closely.
"Yes."
"Be careful."
Buffy's friends said their good-byes to her, barely giving Angel much more than a look before the two of them departed.
"That went pretty well, don't 'cha think?" Buffy asked Angel as they headed to the mansion.
Angel nodded. They walked for awhile without any words before he said, "So....are you all right?"
Buffy shrugged indifferently. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Everything. Me possibly being human, the whole thing just now with the gang."
"I'm getting better. I'm not such a stress case anymore."
At the mansion, Angel entered, but Buffy lingered at the doors.
"Aren't you coming inside?" he asked.
"Going home. Need to get some sleep. School tomorrow." Buffy hastily replied.
She quickly turned to leave, almost in desperation, perhaps fear, but Angel grasped her arm. "Wait."
Shaking her arm free, Buffy said insistently, "I need to go."
"I want to thank you for today."
Buffy stopped. "It wasn't that big of a deal."
"You lie." Angel smiled teasingly, somewhat sadly.
Despite herself, she smiled back. "I'll see you soon."
Angel watched after her vacating figure with plaintive eyes.