Chapter 5
"What?"
"I'm sorry, Angel, but we couldn't find anything."
Angel had returned to the library a few days later to check up on the research being done to find a humanity spell. It had been driving him insane every day that passed. Not only was he holding on to a dangling speck of hope, Celeste continued to visit him. She was adamant about receiving an answer, and he only replied back that he needed more time to think about it. In reality, he had already come to a decision, but he needed the others to confirm what his mind was already set on.
"You can't." Angel's voice was neutral. Buffy's friends were there to witness his reaction, and they kept quiet.
"We've looked through everything." Oz piped in.
"Ooh, unless you want to become a spunky dancing shrimp. I found a spell for that baby." Xander's discovery was flourished with pride.
"I'm sorry, Angel. I know you wanted to." Buffy was sympathetic as she ran a gentle hand down his arm.
Angel drew away, inevitably breaking Buffy's gesture of comfort. He wasn't in the mood for pity. "Thank you for trying." He nodded to the library doors. " I should be going."
And with that, he walked out.
****
"Hey."
Buffy didn't glance back from her view of Sunnydale from the cliff. She was at the mansion the next day. Nevertheless, she was surprised. It was still early in the evening, hours after school had ended for the day. The sun had barely set an hour before and Angel made an appearance outdoors, risking his physical existance. A trace of warmness from the sunlight lingered in the air, but it wouldn't harm him.
It had been a routine for the past few weeks ever since she had discovered him back on Earth. After school, she'd slip out of her house for a few hours, and most of the time, she'd just gaze out over the city of Sunnydale, at that very spot behind the mansion, thinking of anything and everything. And many times, she would leave with plenty of time to spare before Angel had the chance to awaken and wander outside for his daily dosage of danger against vampires, demons, and other unknown ghouls. Before he had the opportunity to find her and pound ageless questions into her.
For a brief slit in time, she knew, or at least had a small fraction of experience, of how Angel felt during his times of constant brooding. It was very saddening. And excrutiatingly lonely. She couldn't figure out why he'd choose to do such a thing. Hole up inside the mansion during all hours of the day and not meet with someone to talk about a day's events. Of course, the idea of Angel having a busy day of school and friends and a double life of slaying seemed silly as soon as the thought entered Buffy's head.
But she was caught tonight. She had entirely lost track of time and didn't realize it until she had heard Angel.
"You're up early." She remained calm, even though a part of her wondered why she should be so antsy.
Angel came up beside her, following her gaze out to the city. "Couldn't wait."
"For me?" Buffy felt a stab of guilt. "You shouldn't. You shouldn't come out so early. The sun-"
"Is still in the air, I know. But it's evening, the sun's rays are safely down." His voice held a tinge of sarcasm. "Are you making up my bedtime schedule, now?"
Turning to face him, Buffy felt her face flush as she glared. "I'm not. I'm just worried. It's not safe to come out so soon after sundown. You've never done that before."
"How would you know that?"
"Don't you believe it yourself?" Buffy threw back, her voice rising in anger.
A speck of hardness set in Angel's tone at her outburst. "Maybe it wasn't the wisest decision in the world, but I know what I'm doing. I've had enough experience. Why are you so mad at me?" His voice then softened in concern. His usual expression of compassion etched on to his face. "You're not yourself."
Buffy faced away from him, unwilling to stare into his dark eyes. A moment of strained calm passed. She answered softly, "I don't want you to put yourself out for me."
He didn't say anything and she knew it was his silent cue to explain. "It's all the time. You always risk your life for me. You do whatever it takes to get to me sometimes, and it bothers me."
Angel came around her, gripping her arms tightly. Lately, it seemed to be the method that forced her to look at him. "I'm sorry it bothers you. But I do things for you because I want to. And sometimes, I miss you so badly, of course I'd do anything to get to you." He brought his face closer. "It's my choice. And if I die because of whatever I choose to do, it's still my choice."
"That's exactly what I mean!" Buffy wrenched herself away from his grasp. "I don't want you killing yourself because of me. It'd be so horrible if you made a decision that would cost your life and it had to be made because of me."
A long, suffering look entered Angel's eyes as he stared at her in astonishment. "Why would it be such a problem if I died because of you?"
"Because I'm a Slayer!" Buffy was near tears. "I have to kill vampires. You are one! You're supposed to be dead! You're not suppose to be even a glimpse of a memory, but you are...But I can't kill you because you're different. And I know that I'll have to kill you again one of these days-"
"You don't know that-"
"You don't either. But what if it happens again, Angel? What if you change again? What if that thing happens to make you?"
"It won't. We've learned from that mistake." He reached for her in condolence.
Buffy jumped back, her hands up. "No. I don't know. It's easier said than done, Angel. It's hard to resist. If I were on the ground with my throat cut, what would you do? Would you leave me to die that way a Slayer is rightously suppose to? Or would you draw me of my blood because it would the sweetest to you?"
Angel 's face appeared as if he had been slapped. He was definitely not prepared for such a provoking topic. "I wouldn't leave you, but I wouldn't take your blood-"
"Answer the question, Angel. Would you drain me? Think about it. The blood is so close to you, that hunger that passes through you at the smell of it. Such a feeling of power if you could have just a small taste. And shutting your eyes wouldn't help much either, because whichever way you decide, you'll still see my blood when you open them." Buffy's lascivious words was spoken with a precarious edge.
Angel looked incredibly uncomfortable, and for one instant, Buffy felt almost sorry to bring up such a tense subject. But it was too late to take her words back, and now that she forced the question out into the open, she was curious to hear what he would answer. Angel turned away, most likely to escape her gaze and gain time to think, even if it were for only a few seconds. "I...I don't know."
"That's what I mean!" Buffy was the one now seizing his arms to force his eyes on her own. "This yearning that makes it so hard to decide, sometimes, you think it's better off if you were dead-" Buffy stopped at her choice of words and shook her head. "Uh- me being dead - because it's so hard whether to make a right decision or to get what you want."
Then Angel did something that was completely unexpected. He dropped onto his knees, staring into her face with the exact same dazed and pained look right before Buffy had thrust the sword through him. And just like before, the thin film of tears pooled in his dark eyes, and their expression told her that she had hit one of the most sensitive subjects that Angel was forced to talk through. She knew that she had sunk him into the sea of confusion even more, with her prodding and emphatic words. Now, the way he revealed his vulnerability with sorrow and a shaken appearance, a mist sprung across her eyes.
"It's hard, I realize that. But...I can't tell you. Not now." His words were quiet.
That clinched it for Buffy. "I have to go." Her voice had turned hoarse with emotion. If she burst into waterworks right now, it would be set that Angel definitely played with her emotions far too much. She brushed his cheek with her fingerstips, instantly repentant to bring him down so low. "I'm sorry I opened up a wound, but I had to know." She paused, adding with a sad smile, "Actually, I still don't know. But your answer...I can wait for it. I always do."
Angel had clutched her palm when she came in contact with his face, as if savoring her caress one last time before heading to his deathbed. He slowly released it to her veiled request to let her leave. He shakily rose, wiping the back of his hand across his eyes. "You have to go." It was a statement, but Buffy listened closer and she caught the underlying note of desperation to have her stay.
She made her choice clear as she said with conviction, "I need to."
As though some force nailed her feet to the spot, she didn't turn away right at that point. In her split moment of hesitation, she caught the quiver of Angel's right hand as if he was considering lifting it and touching her face. She wouldn't have mind, but she kept her expression void of any elated emotion.
When it was clear he wasn't going to reach for her, Buffy left.
***
"I don't want it."
"What?"
"You've hounded me to give you an answer, and I just gave you one. I don't want to go through with the spell."
Angel had went back to the mansion after his check-up at the library. More determined than ever to get that pesky Celeste off his back -possibly literally- he finally told her what his desire was.
"I thought you wanted to become pure human, my Angel. Wasn't it what you wanted since you turned into a vampire?" Celeste was whining much like a child would over a denied toy.
Clenching his fists with the imagery of her neck between them, Angel growled in exasperation. "I told you to stop calling me that."
"Call you what?" The teenage girl said innocently.
"Stop playing games. You know what I mean. I'm not yours, nor will I ever be. I'm with someone else, so don't bother trying to win me over. And I'm not a rag doll that you can love and touch and squeeze." As his words sunk in more deeply in Angel, he inwardly cringed, trying not to visualize how it would be if Celeste did those things.
"You can't back down from this offer!" Celeste nearly screamed at him. Her eyes were livid, her mouth set into a determined line.
Angel was incredulous. First off, she kept talking like none of his previous words were even uttered. And secondly, when was it written in stone that he couldn't back out? This witch was crazy, and it was definitely time to be rid of her. "Well I am. I'm sorry you won't be able to become human because of me, but it's what I want."
"You mean you want to stay this useless, mishappen way-of-a-vampire?"
Angel frowned deeply, the passing thought that Celeste's reply sounded similar to an answer a certain Cordelia Chase would say. "I told you my decision, so leave me alone. I don't want to be seeing you anymore."
Celeste smiled, a cat-like appraisal to it. "Oh, you won't be seeing me anymore because you'll be dead." Celeste lunged at him with a stake which Angel was not prepared for. He was so caught off guard, she managed to cut a deep slash across his left arm by the time he jumped away.
"You shouldn't of done that." Angel's face contorted to vampire form as his forehead creased, the skin above his eyes jutted outwards and his eyes blazed a feral yellow. He winced from a pulse of fire from the cut. He was amazed. He never knew how much a stake could hurt other than through the heart. Of course, that was something he didn't plan on finding out.
Celeste swung the stake again, and with lightening-quck reflexes, Angel turned away from it, kicking her to the ground. She went down, but didn't stay down as long as he hoped. She sprung back up with the exact agility of....himself.
Could it be possible? Angel didn't have time to dwell on his thought as Celeste charged at him again. He easily crouched low and dodged to the side, grabbing ahold of her shoulders from behind and heaved her over the back of the couch. He felt a self satisfaction pass through him.
She quickly rolled to her feet and kicked low, tripping Angel. He nearly escaped the pointy end of the stake as it was thrust down on his chest. He staggered to his feet, only to feel them leave the ground as he was the one being thrown across the room. Bone met concrete and his entire body jolted with the impact of his landing. He moaned, feeling an unexpected wave of weakness as he rose. All of his strength wasn't back yet, and he cursed silently.
Celeste was coming at him again, and with a wave of energy he didn't know where he summoned from, threw a punch in her face. Angel felt her nose crumble and saw bright red blood as a result. For a blind second, he felt sorry he had to ruin her face. It was quite pretty.
Hmm, a nice face or my life? Which would I go for more? The logical part of Angel's brain just had to insert its two cents in at that exact second.
Celeste aimed a kick at his head, which enabled Angel to duck under her leg and knock the piece of sharpened wood out of her hand. She cried out as her weapon skidded across the floor, completely out of her reach. By the time the comprehension of not reaching her stake struck her brain, Angel had already retrieved it.
"Damn it!" Celeste was now the one on defense.
Leaping to her side Angel punched her in the face, then backfisted her right after, stunning her. But she was strong, and she returned his attacks with the same power and agility. Punch after kick, Angel evaded with rapid-fire success, getting in a few well-timed attacks of his own.
She kicked him in the chest, allowing her to have a recovery period for a few seconds. The force of her kick was more than Angel gauged, and he hit the ground for the umpteenth time, feeling the back of his head whack against the hard floor. He couldn't give her the time to recover, and getting up seemed to take up too much time with the way his head was suddenly spinning. He pushed his luck and did the only thing he could think of. Rolling off of the rug they were both fighting on, Angel rose as far as his knees before he grabbed the edge of it and yanked with as much energy as he could muster. She hit down hard, and Angel prayed his muscles continued to work. As he tried to push his body up fully, he knew in the back of his mind that his body simply would not respond. The engine inside him had just run out of gas.
He had one desperate shot left. Celeste jumped to her feet, the look of rage distorting her pale face. Concentrating on his target, Angel tried to push the titanic of a headache aside as he flung the stake the short distance between them. It hit home and Celeste let out an enraged cry of alarm. Angel was more than surprised when, instead of collapsing on the floor like he had anticipated, she burst into dust. He let his tense body relax, his face shifting back to normal as he moaned in pain, his whole body now sinking to the floor.
"Angel!"
Angel didn't have the reserves to lift his head to the direction of the voice. But he knew who it was. He moaned again as he was turned over, but he kept his eyes closed.
"What happened? Did a war just happen?" Buffy stroked the side of his face, trying to keep her voice calm, but Angel knew the truth.
"Tired. No war." He answered her question in a hushed tone. "Well, maybe for me. For you, it'd be your average everyday battle. That girl....she's dust."
"'Dust?' I thought you said she was a witch."
Angel slowly opened his eyes, trying hard to focus on Buffy's face, trying hard to talk when he really felt like passing out for few minutes to escape from his fatigue and weakness. Wanted to sleep and sleep and wake up, only to be stronger than ever so he could help Buffy's waging war against evil. "Vampire. Big lie, I guess." He flinched when her hand brushed on the cut on his left arm.
She saw his pain and asked what had happened to get such a cut.
"Stakes can hurt in more ways than one." Angel succeeded in making a joke, but when he tried to accompany it with a smile, he found he couldn't. It just wasn't something to grin over. "I'm so tired. I feel like-"
"Sleeping and sleeping, I know. I've had those days. Come on, let's get the little vampire to beddy-bye." Buffy laughed.
After much effort, Angel found himself lying in his bed, although he wasn't sure how he had gotten there. Maybe he had flown. The wound on his arm was tended, and he felt better.
A small lapse of quiet passed before Buffy cleared her throat. "Well, I just got out of school, so it's still daytime. Afternoon. So afternoon for me equals bedtime for you. So I'll leave you be and come back later."
She started to rise from the edge of the bed, but Angel weakly grasped her arm. "Can you stay for awhile? I'd like it if you did."
Buffy gave him a small smile as she sat back down. "So do I."
A clinging fog was clouding Angel's mind, and he could feel sleep decending upon him and his eyelids drooped as proof. He desperately wanted to tell Buffy the reason why he had stayed a vampire instead of becoming human, like she assumed. "Buffy, I made the decision to stay the way I am now-"
"I know."
Angel struggled to keep his eyes open. "How?"
"I'm with you now, aren't I?"
"The real reason."
"What is it?"
"Being human would've been the best thing in the world for me. But you were right earlier on. I wouldn't fit into your regular life. And I don't think I'd be as strong if I turned human."
"Strong..."
"We have so many difference between us. It kills us, but we both grow from those differences. No matter what happens. I was foolish to jump into my hope. I'll never be human. I should've known that. Vampires just can't change from one to another."
Buffy quickly nodded, blinking back the burning of imminent tears, tucking him in as a mother would to a child. "Sleep."
But Angel didn't. He attempted to sit up, but with his head whirling and Buffy's insisting and his faltering eyelids, he lay back down. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I don't feel a speck of your strength in me. It was different before. You helped me become strong. And now...I have to start all over again. I'm such a burden to you. " He glanced away, believing his next words. "I understand if you don't feel like seeing me anymore. I take up a big part of your life. I don't want you to feel obligated to have to visit me."
Tears sprung across Buffy's eyes. "Go to sleep. We'll talk later."
"Promise?" Angel's eyes locked on to her face, feeling like a small child, longing for reassurance.
She leaned down and dropped a light kiss on his forehead. "I promise."
Angel finally relented, wishing to do more before he closed his eyes. Wanted to make her feel better, wanted to stop her from being so sad. But he had to let it go as he was slowly swallowed up by darkness and fell in a world of dreams and unknown winding paths. Tonight, perhaps a prophetic dream, or a blissful illusionary one, whichever his subconscious settled on.
And as he fell in deeper into the blackness, he clung to Buffy's hand as if it were possible he could take her along.
***
A soft gaze on his face, Buffy contemplated his words. I don't want to make you feel bad, Angel. Maybe I shouldn't be with you for awhile. Let you become strong on your own. And when you are strong enough, it won't feel so bad. The thought stayed with her, but it did little to comfort. She wouldn't be able to abandon him altogether, but yet couldn't get as caught up in her passion like before or else hell would rear its ugly head once more. Something she was not willing to go through again.
Although she was unable to lie next to Angel the way she reflected in her dreams, she now watched him with a closeness that would not mean the end of the world.