The Cliché Show!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages .. it's time for
The Cliché Show!

Please welcome your host,

Cassandra Vilaine



CASSANDRA: Oh, hel-lo all, it must be a beautiful night out there in DOWNTOWN CHICAGO -- wish I knew, but I can't see a thing. I'm in Sussex, England. Tonight, for our guests, we have .. drumroll, please, Dylan ..

[ She points to the illustrious piano player, sporting a black wizard's hat with gold stripes in the theme of tonight. ]

CASSANDRA: No less a person than HARRY POTTER, our star wizard, but with a special addition provided by our illustrious fanfiction writer friends .. he is OUT OF CHARACTER!

[ Harry suavely enters -- wearing a black turtleneck, I might add! Oh, and did you notice that I used the word "illustrious" twice? ^_^ ]

HARRY: Thank you, thank you. [ winks and grins ] I am not like the quiet, self-conscious, noble-hearted boy you read about. I am outgoing, charismatic, and hilarious!

CASSANDRA: What a guy. [ Several fanfiction authors swoon. ] Say, Harry, that black turtleneck is quite amazing.

HARRY: Why thank you. I was going to go with my neon-green collection, but I decided black would better fit the feeling of tonight.

CASSANDRA: We're not at a funeral!

HARRY: Yes, we are. [ The crowd gasps. ] The funeral of my ablility to keep my hands off you! [ He advances towards Cassandra and kisses her madly as her eyes widen and she calls for offstage help. Thugs come onstage and drag Harry bodily away. Cassandra straightens and regains her dignity as the fanfiction authors throw tomatoes. ]

CASSANDRA: Stop, I tell you! .. [ One tomato smacks her left cheek, but the rest stop. ] Ahem. Thank you. Well, that was Harry as J.K. Rowling has *never* shown to us. You think he actually exists? [ Several fanfiction writers nod emphatically. ] Dylan .. play us a dramatic chord.

[ Dylan grins and strikes a fun little ditty. Cassandra glares. ]

CASSANDRA: Very .. ah, nice, Dylan. Ahem. Well, you actually think Harry *acts* like this? Is this even who he wants to *be*? [ The fanfiction authors scream their affirmatives. Cassandra has to shout over them to be heard. ] Look, guys! He's only *fourteen*! Cho Chang is the only crush he had, and let's face it, that was fairly minor. He's much more concerned with keeping his life safe from Voldemort, resisting the Dursleys, making sure Sirius stays safe and hidden, and being a good friend to Ron and Hermione; he barely has time to even wonder about his parents, let alone concentrate on being suave and sexy! [ She rolls her eyes. ] Not that his efforts were too valiant. For our next guest .. another one of J.K.R.'s creations ..

[ Dylan obligingly raps his knuckles on the piano for a drumroll as Sirius Black walks in, looking clean, well-fed, and dazzling. ]

CASSANDRA: Clichéd Sirius, welcome to the show!

SIRIUS: Glad to be here, Cass.

CASSANDRA: Would you tell us a little about yourself?

SIRIUS: Well, as you can see, my twelve years in the living hell of Azkaban haven't affected me at all. I apparently don't have to live off rats anymore, and can regularly wash myself. And that haunted, hidden look in my eyes? Gone, unless the author wants to use it for mystery. Truth be told .. [ his voice lowers ] .. I've been torn apart by these writers. I'm no longer a really interesting, deep character.

[ Cassandra shakes her head sadly. ]

CASSANDRA: Sucks to be you, Sirius, huh?

SIRIUS: You betcha.

CASSANDRA: So you still think you'd have Azkaban whiplash after all those years?

SIRIUS: Are you kidding? That place was a hellhole! .. as I think I've already noted. Dementors roaming everywhere, getting inside your thoughts, making you relive the worst moments of your memories until you hate your own life .. your powers draining, rabid Death Eaters all around you .. and that's only *inside*! Outside, the world didn't know that I'd really been innocent. They hailed -- [ his teeth and fists clench ] -- that *Pettigrew* as a hero and they detest me. Figured I deserved everything I'd gotten in that place. And furthermore, Harry, my godson, the only person left who I could love, hated me too. Nobody had told him the story, although he had a right to know, because nobody knew the true story. Just think .. if I hadn't escaped .. Harry would never have known about his parents .. [ suddenly whirls to face the fanfiction authors ] You just think what it would be like to spend your entire life in that place! [ holds up a hand ] Now I know, I know, I didn't spend my entire life there, but I *thought* I would. I thought I would wake up in the morning, eat that grub-infested slush they pushed at me, sit there for four hours, eat some more grub-infested slush, sit there for another four hours, and another four hours, and eat some more grub-infested slush, and then sit there, and then sleep, and then wake up, and then .. [ voice trails off ]

CASSANDRA: Wow, Siri. That's --

SIRIUS: That's another thing! Exactly! You giving me those stupid nicknames! Even if you don't, you make some stupid pun about my name in the fic. [ advances on the fanfiction authors, furious ] MY NAME IS NOT SIRI, DAMMIT! IT'S NOT SIR, IT'S NOT SIRYPIRY, IT'S NOT BLACKIE, IT'S *SIRIUS*! [ Our favorite thugs join us once again to escort dear Sirypir -- excuse me, Sirius -- off the stage. ]

CASSANDRA: Well. That is one mad clichéd man. [ grins ] Play us something mad and clichéd, willya, Dylan?

[ Dylan breaks into Beethoven's Ninth. ]

CASSANDRA: Erm -- not quite what I was thinking of, but .. [ The letters E, R, and M jump out from behind a curtain, bunched together, and begin to scream relentlessly at her. ]

E: You always forget about *us*, doncha!?

R: Where did this "ERM" thing come from?! They say "ER" in the Harry Potter books. J.K.'s smart enough there not to let *her* [ points at M ] butt in!

M: Heeeey! Who said anything about me "butting in?" I'm here, she said it, I'm in the word, *deal*, you selfish brat. [ R gasps in anger. ]

R: I USED TO BE THE *STAR*, YOU SCENE-STEALING CONSONANT! [ breaks into sobs, screaming and kicking and flailing, and then calms to give us this next line with quiet sniffles punctuated throughout ] I always used to bring that word to a lovely, fashonable ending. And then *you* [ voice gets shaky ] butted in. You weasled your way into this word! You wormed me out of my spotlight! THAT'S IT! I QUIT! [ mutters ] I'm going to go see if 'resurrection' needs extras. [ storms out ]

CASSANDRA: [ ahems ] Well. [ E and M look absolutely scandalized. ] Looks like you'll just have to say 'em' for now.

RANDOM MEMBER OF CROWD: But that's so -- *American*! I mean, they say 'um,' the barbarians! [ Cassandra shrieks and points wildly around, trying to find the audience member, who has a camera searching the crowd for him. Dylan instantly plays a mysterious James Bond tune, shakes his head, and starts the "Jeopardy" theme song. ]

CASSANDRA: GOTCHA, you United-States hater! I KNEW someone from the crowd would speak out tonight against my homeland! WELL GUESS WHAT?! I FOOLED YOU ALL, HAHA! I'M NOT IN SUSSEX, I'M IN PITTSBURGH! AND THE PIRATES BEAT THE HOUSTON ASTROS LAST WEDNESDAY! HA! HA! HAAAAAA! [ Cass is helped off the stage by the ever-present thugs. Say it with me, now, "I do not know why I read this fic, but I love it and I will read many more and I will suggest other Harry Potter clichés to Nina IN MY REVIEW, which I WILL write!" Thank you. You are now sworn in. And the thugs *hate* people who read only and don't review. Come to think of it, so do I .. ]

Author's Note: I really don't mind those nicknames y'all give Sirius, although I do think it would annoy him. *g* But that's the fun of it! *hollers* Yoo-hoo, Siri, ovah here! The rest of the stuff I *do* mind .. okay, Harry in a black turtleneck isn't *too* bad. ^_^

AND I WAS *SERIOUS* [ those, too, must annoy him ^_~ ] ABOUT YOU PEOPLE SUGGESTING OTHER HP CLICHÉS TO ME! OTHERWISE, I WILL FINISH THIS SERIES IN THE FANTASY SECTION, WHICH HAS BETTER REVIEW RESPONSE *ANYWAY*! *sticks out tongue*

No, I would never be a Jedi. Too much anger in me.

Oh, and I'm sorry about not finishing Chapter 3 of "Scars" .. but nobody has really expressed interest in it anyway. ^_^ I think I'll just write it for myself and not post it. [ Yes, that *is* a threat. Meh yourself. ] And if anyone is about to review in disgust, screaming at me for having the text too small [ hey, this has happened before! CYA! ], take a stroll up to the light purple on the top bar and adjust the font. Or do it directly from IE: View: Text Zoom: *whatever* or Netscape: View: Increase/Decrease Font Size. OR, as a last resort, copy it all, paste it into your word pro, and adjust the font size. Don't forget to leave THIS window open so you can review at the end. Thanks. It's that simple. ^_^